In my opinion, you should only KISS or SLEEP WITH someone if you LOVE them.
Otherwise, you're leading them on.
I've been recommended: to acknowledge and process all that I've been though, where it all started from how it’s affected me.
Write out a timeline of all the things in life that have bashed me.
I must recognise when people hide behind a façade of anger and hostility to conceal their fears and insecurities.
I have realised something. Avi simply wasn't ready for a relationship - with anyone. He played with my feelings, sure. But since dating was all so new to him, he was playing with things that he didn't understand. Because he thought that this is what one has to do when dating. He didn't realise that he was planting seeds of expectation in the other person's mind and that the other person might actually reciprocate and feel the same way. Due to his possible low perception of himself, he wasn't prepared for the possibility that I might love him too and it caught him off guard. It was simply a lack of foresight. He did all the things he felt he had to do during dating, but he underestimated that those things (if they were reciprocated) might lead onto something beyond dating. Something real.
The paradoxical thing he said to me is that "we rushed things", almost as if the rushing was my doing. Yet he was the one to move us from base to base: the innocent compliments, the careful flattery, the holding of my hand, the intimate nighttime embraces, the kissing. Those gestures were all instigated by him, not me. I thought he invited me round to his house to watch a movie. So perhaps it was just a matter of him diving in and finding himself in water too deep. Having to face up to the consequences that these gestures actually meant something to me?
In that case, then, he cannot be completely at fault. One could almost give him credit for giving it a go - and for giving it so much. The mistake was in the disparity between what he said and what he did - namely in the Future Faking (what he said) and the Ghosting (what he did). It was just an innocent mistake. A lesson, nonetheless: that human beings and their thoughts and feelings aren't toys to be played with, and dating is not a game.
[12/01/2020, 12:26:07] Avi: I meant every word I said or wrote, i was expressing what I was feeling at the moment back then. Maybe I did it too strongly, and maybe this would be my lesson, not to express everything that occurs to you, but I do back everything I said and wrote because I know that I meant it.
I have a theory that those sweet words and gestures did after all come from him but that they were only intended for the current moment, not for anything beyond that. Hungry children grow when fed. I took them to mean so much more than the current moment. And when he realised it actually led to something real, set a precedent in my mind, it was almost like he took us to a point in a conversation he could no longer carry on - like having writer's block. And so, like a writer's latest draft novel, I became a discarded project. He simply seized up, abandoned his book and decided to start over with a fresh book.
At this point, I could start blaming myself again for the truths I delivered to him on 28th March 2019. I could start kicking myself for changing the dynamic in that way. But had I not been honest with him about the way he was making me feel through how he was around me, then we would have carried on, living a lie, going from one experience to the next with one other and not really considering the longevity and the meaning of those experiences. Which would only serve to build a bigger precipice from which to fall.
A lesson for both of us.
One more thing, CB showed me a letter a lady had written to her about 'people being placed there in your life for a specific reason' and talking about irony and circumstances made to look like they were deliberately calculated to control people and make them perceive things in a certain way. It resonated with me and the experiences I've had too but I can't remember how she phrased it.
In this case, perhaps it was a lesson I needed to learn? To never again read too deeply into what people say?
At this point, I yet again recall this critical point in our conversation.
[08/03/2019, 16:46:32] Avi: I find you a little distant today
I WISH I'd spoken my mind at this point. That the real reason I was feeling hesitant was that deep down, I sensed everything was not all as it seemed but I didn't understand what I was feeling and I wasn't able to express it. In response to "Did I say something that put you off?" I WISH I'd said "No. Quite the opposite. What you say sounds too good to be true!"
But then there are always things we look back on and wish we had done differently. And actually, the above is what I effectively did do when I was honest with him on 28th March 2019 (albeit a little less articulately). The intensity was getting too much for me. Had I expressed my hesitancy at this point in the conversation, do I believe he would have broken things off at that earlier point or simply iced over it and pretended that the things he was saying were real? I might never know. Love is a tricky minefield and he didn't make it easy for me.
The Epidemic of Gay Loneliness
Sometimes we are our own worst critic.
Someone says he's not good at writing lots of stuff. Well, sometimes what you write is all you need to say. Keeping it simple. Saying what needs to be said, and nothing more. I see it as a gift. Some people write 100 things and are actually saying nothing. They're just re-phrasing endless nuances. While others say exactly what needs to be said and nail it on the head with just 1 sentence. It's a very good thing. Because you're not cluttering up the ether with meaningless words and chitchat.
Some people say loads of things but then never follow any of them through, people seduce others with clever words and ways of wisdom in order to propagate a certain belief about themselves. I think it's better to stick with the words you actually mean, even if it results in less words. That applies to loads of things not just assignments. My English teachers at school used to say I "went round the houses". My sentences and paragraphs were long and rambling and needed breaking down. I've always been very verbose, in writing and in speech. That's why I have this journal!
I tend to re-phrase things over and over again to extract different meanings from them, and talk repetitively about the same things but in various ways, like obsessing over the same things and approaching them from different angles and perspectives.
Even in that sentence,
I said effectively the same thing 3x!!! 🙄
It can get tiring for some people.
It must be an anxiety thing. Constantly imposing and super-imposing new words to cover my back, almost as "disclaimers" in case people find fault with the original words. I keep questioning everything I write, and then re-phrasing it.
The idea is turning traditional meet-up arrangements on their head: focusing on the WHAT before the WHO: WHAT you will be doing before WHO you will be meeting.
It's free and available to join for anyone living in London.
Please sign up if you like the look of it and also invite people; could be anyone - your landlord/landlady, someone you studied with who's now in London, your friendly supermarket attendant or any acquaintances you've met through friends who you haven't had the chance to spend much time with yet on a personal level.
The group is for post-Lockdown London and aimed at anyone who might be feeling a little lonely or out-of-touch with people and wanting to reach out, re-connect and enjoy activities together.
The goal is to quickly fix people up with spontaneous get-togethers and promote social inclusivity.
Social distancing is still recommended for the intermittent future so stay safe, guys!
Lonely!! But apart from that having a very peaceful and creative time. I've learned being creative and perfecting an art or skill is a very healing process - a calling to one's self and sense of being (see 07/12/2019). I've had some difficult days too, where I've been lonely, like today. And having the anxiety of knowing how to spend the time productively and creatively has been hard also when I've found myself in a window between projects.
I think that the anxiety stems from the fact that I feel very comfortable in furlough - almost too furlough - and I'm mindful and conscious of the fact that things can't possibly go on forever being this way. So I start thinking "I don't want to look back on this time I've had and see it as a waste. I want to live it to the fullest."
I've set up a Facebook group to tackle post-Lockdown Loneliness so I've been formulating all my ideas and inviting members to that. I'm just a little nervous about how to word it and how people would react, but it's something I feel very strongly about.
I think it’s important work. Just speak from the heart. If I'm worried, maybe pit a few questions to those who want to join? Yeah, I guess as long as I 1) speak from the heart (honesty) and 2) am positive then I can't go wrong!
Loneliness is a thing, it’s real, there’s no denying it. It's important to recognise it for what it is - as something that isn't inherently part OF us, but happens TO us, in certain circumstances we find ourselves in. In these times especially it is likely to affect many, if not all, of us - regardless of who we are and how we might perceive ourselves. It’s magnified. There’s no shame in feeling it.
And the sooner we can acknowledge and accept the presence of Loneliness, talk honestly and openly about how it affects us and break down the taboos and barriers in discussing Loneliness and social isolation; the sooner we can transform it into something functional and positive. We might become more accepting of it, perhaps even embrace it as something healthy; a window, an opportunity… For CHANGE.
People who have not acknowledged Loneliness might try to dismiss it. It’s also still a taboo subject and doesn’t mean the same thing to every one. It's relative to the person. It's not clear cut. Anyone might have their own unique notion of Loneliness that could be shaped by their individual experiences.
It manifests itself in multiple ways, - through boredom, tiredness, grief at losing a loved one, relationship breakup or the sense of feeling geographically/socially cut off due to any number of factors such as living location and social anxiety... Every story is bespoke. Loneliness comes in so many distinct shades and forms it can be something difficult to identify or define.
So why not tap into it? Exploit its myriad aspects? Turn it into a machination for positive change? And become more adept at rewiring its synapses into something new and special, every time it occurs?
I find it fascinating. I’m rarely lonely when I’m alone, but I occasionally find myself in situations and encounters where I feel excluded or I don’t fit in. Then I feel lonely. It's complicated. It becomes illuminated when lit up by those lights. It manifests itself differently according to the context I find myself in.
I believe it's healthy to seek peace and solitude - the positive aspects of enjoying your own company. Loneliness might then be perceived as a negative aspect in this light, but I guess I want to get across that this can be turned into something positive, if we know how to acknowledge and recognise it, and become adept at extracting its positive, opportunistic aspects.
That’s why I find it puzzling that I love my own company. It's a paradox, isn't it! But we are blessed. There are not many who can say that.
Something that I learned multiple times last year - both through my friends' experiences and my own - of friendships and relationships is this. If someone so readily disowns/denies you on the basis of one thing you said = then that person was never a true friend, no matter how much they made themselves out to be so. 👻
That the issues they have with YOU are nothing more than their own insecurities about THEMSELVES, projected back onto you.
This truth is also a double-edged sword. If someone blocks or ghosts you then they are actually doing YOU a favour. While I hate the thought of becoming a stranger to anyone and no matter how much it hurts - the perpetrators, these ephemeral phantoms (to borrow a Platonic Idea: faint, derivative imitations of life that are not really living) are closing doors on themselves, building prisons for themselves, barricading themselves into corners and preventing the energy flow in both directions.
Effectively, they are making some sort of assessment, decision or judgement about YOU on YOUR behalf.
The anxiety of creating these so-called rules manifests itself in the person's knowledge that their paths COULD cross with you, by chance, one day. It manifests itself in fear. That fear is created by THEM forcing themselves to abide by THEIR own assessments and rules; that they must cease all contact.
By projection, these phantoms know that the things you have discovered are about THEM. So the phantoms cut off any means by which that sense of low Self Esteem that they cultivate about themselves can be reflected back at THEM. However, the phantoms are doing themselves no favours; they are only further hiding from themselves, burying their heads in the sand. The acts of Blocking and Ghosting are nothing more than avoidance tactics because they are too weak to confront their own reality. So they choose to run away from it instead.
Mirror Maze Analogy
I think I've come up with this one myself!
The phantom is in a mirror maze. The phantom is displeased by their own reflection in one of the mirrors. That mirror is YOU. Because you saw into the phantom's soul.
The phantom could conceal this mirror with a blanket or drape. This would be comparable to Benching, Blocking, Breadcrumbing, Ghosting or any act of avoidance; the ultimate purpose of which to remove visibility of YOU to the phantom.
While this is effective in removing visibility, the phantom knows, deep down, that the reflection is still there underneath the blanket or drape. But they are in denial. This would be comparable to the fact that they can pretend you no longer exist but they know that this is not true.
Although they have concealed their own reflection through one mirror, they still have all of their other reflections to conceal at all of the other mirrors along their journey through the mirror maze. So these phantoms carry on through their lives benching, blocking, breadcrumbing and ghosting others, cutting out people left, right and centre - concealing more mirrors with drapes and blankets - to further impair their own displeasing perceptions of themselves by reflection. They are running away from their own reflection.
It's a short-term coping mechanism - for sure - but it isn't a sustainable coping mechanism in the long-term. Ultimately, their own sense of low Self Esteem will catch up with them!
I can understand this because it's a tactic I used myself at school when I wanted to get away from the bullies who undermined my Self Esteem. I'd pretend that they didn't exist. I used this tactic when I was working in a hotel, when I stopped communicating with the chefs who were also bullies, and my colleagues advised me to "face my demons". Believe me, I've been there myself, I've done it. And I can see that no good ever came of pretending. It is a sign of weakness and immaturity. In fact, it gradually compounded and compounded itself the more I engaged in such avoidant behaviour during my mis-spent youth. But it caught up with me in adulthood. And I've had to break down this glass "shell" over the years in order to become stronger and more confident in myself.
It's a reverse psychology trick. The phantom acknowledges and is aware of their own sense of low Self Esteem. So they project it back on to you.
It's a two-way psychology of Reflection and Projection. The phantom is deflecting the issue back onto the other person (the mirror) to detract from their own insecurities that they have about themselves. If that doesn't work, then they choose to conceal the mirror completely, through avoidant behaviour.
It all ties back to the old cliché "it's not YOU, it's THEM".
Let he without sin cast the first stone.
It relates to what my friend said to me the other day (14/06/2020): that the victims of Narcissism sadly often become the Narcissists themselves. Now there's a frightening thought. How will I manage to prevent myself from becoming one of the Narcissists if I have experienced this first hand?
The best advice I can give to myself or anyone on the receiving end of such behaviour is to cultivate patience, understanding and compassion, whilst still remaining honest and true to oneself. And sit 50/50 on the possibility of whether the phantom will eventually come back from the dead, or be forever running away from themselves.
For Joiners, Goers & Doers.
And those that CAN! 💪
Use this form to post what you're doing whenever you find yourself left in the lurch and unexpectedly needing some company, but not knowing who to call.
If you answered YES to any of these questions then this group is for YOU.
This group alleviates SOCIAL ANXIETY by turning traditional meet-up arrangements on their head.
Focusing on the WHAT before the WHO:
WHAT you will be doing before WHO you will be meeting.
Guess what. You CAN! You are not alone 😊
Often, the plan itself is faultless; you just need to find people who are game.
For people who have:
AIMS & OBJECTIVES
Think of it like a 'gig' market, but on a personal level!
HOW TO BENEFIT
He did this. Not me. He destroyed this relationship, like he destroys all of his relationships. How would I know? Because I listened very closely to what he said. It's all about projection. I was honest enough to tell him how I felt. I told him I loved him. How did he respond? He ghosted me. I wasn't looking for any further reciprocation. I was simply reciprocating (in equal measure) the love he was showing me. He lacked the emotional depth or breadth to process what I said - the reflection of his love. He didn't need to change anything. He did - and he has done again - what he does best: Run and Hide. But all he hides from is himself. And he continues to do so with every encounter, regardless of me. I did absolutely nothing wrong. I'm still here. I'm still waiting. I don't live in fear anymore. My door is always open.
"I don't know why, when I feel so happy at the moment, I feel these bursts of anger."
"I feel so happy but I feel like I'm about to destroy everything."
You can find yourself in other people as much as you can find yourself in yourself.
I came up with this one today. It means it's healthy to surround myself with different people, open myself up to different experiences and feed those experiences into who I am. Different people react with me in different ways, and their interests and attitudes can resonate with points inside me and enhance certain things. They can trigger and bring out those things from within me.
My cousin's friend made this video and although it's talking exclusively about sexual identity, it struck me how everyone's identity can be made up of certain parts and that often those parts may not be conventionally aligned together and the person must make sense of them and reconcile them in themselves.
Particularly the scatter diagram (6:00 onwards), how you have the person in the middle surrounded by all of those composite parts that make the person unique.
I've been feeling a bit anxious recently and struggling with negative thoughts, I hope it passes soon.
terry 10:34 PM
Well, only one person came to my picnic and he stayed just for one hour. So i was left in the park all alone. I'm going to start clamping down on no-shows followed by no follow-up messages because it feels like I'm being professionally stood up.
How did I organise it? Through Meetup. How was the one person that turned up? Were they nice? He was fine. He's someone I know. He's one of my regulars. There have been at least 5x occasions where he's been the only one to turn up. But he's not the best company to be truth. He's quite severely autistic and conversation feels a bit one-sided. And today he nicked 2 of my beers. But I have to be thankful he came at all.
It was nice of me to organise it. It’s nothing personal. I have to remember these people don’t even know me. And it is a bit of a risk I think, going to meet strangers in a park. I shouldn't forget these are funny times. Maybe I'm just ahead of the game. They're easing restrictions even further next week. People aren’t behaving like normal. That's all true. I don't mind people being on the group and not signing up to events, or even cancelling at the last minute and messaging me - that I don't have a problem with. It's just the people who sign up and then don't communicate and I'm left in the park thinking "should I wait for them or should I go?" It's so easy to communicate nowadays; I send out my number and my email well in advance. I don't understand it.
Maybe next time make it really clear. That I need to know if people aren’t coming as a few times there have been no shows.
I wrote on the event description:
Please only RSVP if you're 100% sure of attending, as this is open to only the 1st 4 RSVPs... Don't forget to message me or change your RSVP to not attending, if you are not coming along, in order for those who can attend to be added to the list (I'll provide my phone number). Failure to do so on this occasion could result in temporary removal from the group. Advance thanks for your understanding!
Ok. Well. People are rubbish. All they need to do is message me, it's not hard.
I'm going to put up a message on the board to that effect and make it group policy that if I don't receive a follow-up message to a no-show within 24 hours then they will be removed from the group. My cousin personally wouldn't police a social group like that. It sounds very military and that it might not be much fun. She totally understands my side.
Maybe I just won't say that but run that as a policy. And not state it explicitly in public. But I think I can only ask people to please let me know, otherwise I am left own wondering if people will turn up. And just say I really don’t mind people cancelling last minute if they need to, I just need to be let know so I'm not left waiting.
I see what she means now. It's all about putting them in my shoes. And explaining how it is for me. But without setting obvious rules. I’d try it like that. Otherwise with a threat people might be scared to get in touch. And also I know, it is a loose social group. People are going to drop out, it’s a risk. I have to accept that risk when I organise them.
I think my honesty is a bit too much for people sometimes 😅 it's not intended as a threat, but it comes across like that. My cousin thinks it’s brilliant that I do. Just a slight tweak in tone could help.
It's just really strange... Sunny day, Saturday afternoon, park, cheap food and drink, hours of blissful freedom... what's not to love? Simple concept really. I planned it a week in advance. Checked the weather forecast and everything. I'm surprised people aren't stir crazy and not wanting to join in. It was beautiful, so many people out.
Well. I enjoyed a beautiful afternoon outdoors. Free. In an amazing city. Their loss.
What about Rob? I've been pestering him all afternoon. He wasn't feeling like going out? Well, to be truth he got in touch first. Anyways, he's busy 💁♂️. He’s studying, I see. I posted those photos on the group...so they could see what they're missing 😅. Good idea. Did I say ‘where were you guys’?
Haha pitch my tent 😂. Dad came up with that one. Well, it looks like I did everything. I think next time it’s up to them to organise. Do they ever take the initiative? Well, I'm the group organiser. So it is really up to me. I have made Rob a co-organiser, as he's the founder of the group. And my other regular, Alex, I've made him an event organiser since he's been really rock solid and nice... But he said he's not doing any meet-ups now until mid-July at the earliest. I think he's a lot more conscientious about social distancing than I am. Rob too. Alex expressed an interest in organising a bar crawl but doesn't have the confidence to do it so I said I'd help him. Rob doesn't do anything normally except attend, but since he's the founder...he gets honorary treatment!
Here's my draft anyway.
I wouldn’t put the bit about only to x number of people. Because that’s not true is it? Anyone can go to a picnic. Yes, but I've had to cap them to comply with social distance regulations. Also I would just tone it down a little. Tone it down? Just one "please". I see. Just don’t want it to look to pleading. I've updated it accordingly. But otherwise I think it makes a good point 💪🏼.. People should let me know. It’s not fair otherwise. I think when people are less cautious of the guidelines, I will have a better attendance. It's not fair on me or others who would have been able to come but couldn't because they were waitlisted.
Looks good. I think I'll up it to 6 for the next one... As we're allowed up to 6 people now (I just wanted to be seen as being cautious). But then that way with 6 there is less chance of me ending up on my own. It’s a numbers game, isn’t it?
It was effective to point out that this is a communication issue, not a no-shows issue, at the end. And to have that as the title. Because sometimes people just don't get it... They think that the problem is with people not wanting to come. And it's not. The problem is with the communication and about people knowing where they stand with others. It's more courteous.
I find myself in situations where I am chasing someone to resolve a query. Like asking them to do something or be somewhere at a certain time. All I need is a "yes" or "no" or "maybe" or some sort of answer. And then the other person's view of it is that you 'desperately want them to XYZ'. Not that I need some sort of answer. I often find myself coming up against that wall of misunderstanding. Where the issue isn't in whether or not they will, but whether or not they will communicate whether or not they will. Where the other person just says "oh, so and so's bugging me to do this and I don't want to do it". But it's not that. I just need to resolve a query. I just need to be put out of my misery.
Classic example: Victoria Wills' Halloween Party. I was told to "take it on the chin" - but those people were focusing on my disappointment that the planned party wasn't going ahead, when my issue was actually with the ham-fisted, cloak and dagger way in which the expectations weren't managed and the information wasn't communicated transparently - she simply disappeared off the group, just like that. To them, I was merely seen as sour about the party not going ahead when actually I was trying to make a point about communication.
My cousin tries not to bug people too much. She finds you can't really pressure people into doing something they don’t voluntarily do, otherwise they get pissed off and take it the wrong way.
Herein lies the misunderstanding. I'm not trying to pressure people into doing something they don't voluntarily do. I'm simply asking a question. That’s the thing I find frustrating. People view it as me trying to pressure them into something. Whereas I view it as neutrally asking a question, even if the answer is “no”.
However, if people don’t answer her she tries to find another way round it. This I see as a positive. It’s good to find another way around it, even if it means rephrasing the question to frame it in a slightly different way..
Please only RSVP for meet-ups if you're 100% sure of attending, as some meet-ups are only open to the 1st X number of RSVPs... Don't forget to message me or change your RSVP to not attending, if you are not coming along, in order for those who can attend to be added to the list (I'll provide my contact details and you can message me through the meet-up platform also).
I organised a meet-up today, I got a social distancing blanket by Celine Zara Design
Check it out:-
Unfortunately it didn't arrive in time for the picnic but I'm going to try and do these regularly through the summer months as it's a great way to enjoy the summer weather and each other's company whilst still respecting social distancing.
They're relaxing it to 1m next week; I don't really understand the logic of this because I don't see how people would comply. I mean, it works, in theory, but I'm not convinced how much scientific evidence backs up the concept that 1m and 2m are that much different in terms of infection rate...Maybe I'm mistaken. There were also a lot of groups out in the park this afternoon, like more than 8 people. There were birthday parties and such. It's crazy! And seeing all of the protests that have been happening recently, or hearing about what's happening on the tube, it seems like things are almost back to normal.
So maybe the picnic blanket wasn't so necessary! Good though in case people don't have their own blanket and want to not feel excluded!
Regarding therapy. It's good for therapy to help you with the people that haven't had therapy, but I often find that it also works the other way. I've struggled with people who've had therapy before as well...possibly because they've had a different type of therapy, or a therapy where their outcomes have been different from mine.
Like my friend Victoria Wills, for instance. She had therapy. But then last year she randomly went psycho on me, called me about 10x names and blocked me after 11 years of friendship. All because she'd compromised me in some small way and I'd been honest enough to call her out on it. I think her way of dealing with life has been very different from mine, and she prefers to just block people and run and hide and bury her head in the sand, which I don't see as a positive way of dealing with life. So the fact I politely expressed how I felt about her letting me down like that didn't go down at all well and she got aggressive. That was last November 2019. She called me 'poison' and said I suck everything good out, almost as if me talking to her had a detrimental effect on her mental health. So it is what it is, I guess. I can't argue with some people. I've just got to stay silent and respect their way - even if I don't necessarily agree with it. It's something I don't understand - why is she having therapy? What sort of things has she struggled with, and what sort of conclusions has she drawn from it?
Thanks ! 😌 was having a moment!
It's very important to turn negative experiences into positives.
Rob is doing well. It's a shame I haven't got to see him as much as I'd have liked.
We're in therapy for dealing with people who weren't in therapy, but also who were in therapy. Within our family circles and our friends circles and our working environments and sometimes within our relationships.
This lady Victoria Wills. Emotional intelligence is about having compassion to others and being respectful to other people's emotions, not just of their own. She used my depression as a weapon against me. She made me feel ashamed of my mental health. It's made me realise that a lot of people who claim to be the victim of narcissistic abuse turn into the narcissists themselves. Her mental health, her physical health, that all had to be considered and mine or that of whoever else she felt crossed her didn't. Because she cut me off. So to be honest, I'm glad to have her out of my life because she's unstable. Whatever she feels I did to her, I never said I was going to take revenge on her if she contacted me again. She's unhinged. I was lucky that she was out of my life before Rob came around because I wouldn't want Rob to meet somebody like that. I showed and told Rob about what happened and he thought the same.
These people who block us are doing us a favour. Because who needs that treatment? At the time, it hurts. Because Victoria Wills had been a friend for 11 years. I does hurt. Don't get me wrong. But reflect upon it. My life is calmer without her in it. And everything that she said to me are self-projections. Victoria Wills calling me "poison". That's how she sees herself.
The thing that I've learned from therapy is that you don't get the answers straight away. So probably what's happening is: the therapy for her is is re-triggering her anger. That's why she took it out on me, out of the blue and didn't communicate properly. I know I find it hard to argue with some people. I'm very sensitive.
I can get there. It just takes time and patience and self-love and self-care. And not internalising the abuse. So I feel somehow responsible for how Victoria Wills acted. If she can do that to a friend of 11 years, I'm better off without her. However good the relationship was prior to that, I would never do that to someone who I'd been friends with for 11 years, call them "poison", call them about 10 names and then just block them coldly like that.
She cut off communication with me. I haven't blocked her. I'm not in touch with her until she takes responsibility for her actions and she apologises to those who she hurt with her actions. And for that, she needs time. She needs self-awareness to develop. Giving her a month won't be enough completely, but it might be enough to give her some responsibility once she's calmed down. Victoria Wills was obviously angry when she was doing all of this stuff. The therapy that Victoria's having; who knows what it was for. It could be abuse. It could be something like that. And it's re-triggered all of her anger. Sadly, we tend to take out our anger on the ones we love the most. Sometimes because we know that we can get away with it. I'm pretty sure, if Victoria hadn't blocked me, I would have forgiven her and made peace with her. Because I'm that type of guy, I'm a forgiving person. And sadly we live in a narcissistic culture. I am an empath. I have the ability to care about others to a point that we feel each other's pain. I'm a very empathetic, sensitive, loving man. And there are going to be people that just look at me and say "door mat". As "weak". And I know that I'm not weak for having these skills because these skills are gifts.
My advice to myself: Remember that being an empath is a gift. Don't turn it into a trap. Because I was a magnet for people, for years. I didn't realise it until I was learning about the stuff and talking to people online about it. Learning the terminology and addressing it in therapy.
The thing is: if she's not going to tell me why she's having therapy and what she's struggled with and what conclusions she's drawn with it, there's nothing that I can do for her. She's not ready to apologise to me firstly for what she did or communicate with me what was going on in her headspace. I don't owe her anything. She's the one who closed the door on me. I don't owe her anything. And I know that these things take time to get over. At that time, I had overdosed 3x and been admitted 5x and by the time she did this, I wasn't in a good place either. It takes time for us to process because after 11 years, it would take time for me to process all of this and to make sense of this and what makes me sad about reading the text above the "keep calm" image is that I still care about her as a friend. But if she's not going to give that back to me, I don't owe it to her. I doesn't mean that I should do the same things to her as she's done to me. I know that I won't. But open communication is key and if I can't have that with friends or partners or family then there's nowhere for the relationship to go.
[10:58, 02/11/2019] Victoria: You that stupid
So remember this guy, 'Jordan'? My friend blocked him months ago (this is starting to sound like the serial blocking LGBT soap opera). My friend blocked him months ago, and now Jordan's messaging my friend again on a different profile. That's strange behaviour, huh? Interesting. My friend could certainly use it to his advantage. To me it means 1 of 3 possible things:
My friend is going to go with options 1 and 3 there. Well, that's good. How does he feel? What does he want? Going from their previous encounter, Jordan definitely doesn't sound like the kind of guy my friend would want to entertain. Regardless of how long it's been since he's... "wrestled".
Put it this way:
If my friend could erase history, would he be willing to give it a chance, if he could, say, take certain precautions?
How much history are we talking about? Everything up until the point that he's matched with him via a different app. So Including the fact that he stood him up? If so, no chance. I mean cutting out the standing up. Excluding that, Jordan generally doesn't have the conversational skills to go the distance either. Jordan looks nice (if his pics are accurate) but my friend doesn't think that's going to cut it for him anymore. Yes, he probably does look nice and all that. And not having the conversational skills is holding him back. True but its Grindr. When does a hot guy ever struggle to find people to connect with on Grindr? Who needs grammar when you have abs? 🤷🏽♂️
Does my friend want to know what I'd do? What would it be?
"May I ask what are you looking for on here?"
If my friend likes Jordan's response,
Ask Jordan if he'd like to meet up for a coffee or a drink - straight away, rather than endless idle chat.
If Jordan says yes, arrange a meeting, but at a time and place that suits MY FRIEND; i.e., so it's not out of my friend's way if Jordan stood him up again - could be the nearest place to his house even, at a time as soon as he finishes work, for example?
That's like a little test... If he's willing to be the one travelling then that indicates he's more likely to be interested...
If Jordan's not, then my friend could perhaps say something like "thanks, but I've been stood up before and want to ensure that the journey was worthwhile".
I wouldn't pass too much judgement at this stage -- Jordan probably genuinely struggles like this with all guys. So see what he says.
If it doesn't progress that far, my friend could just gently say:
"with respect, I'm looking for more meaningful connections, so if it's alright with you, I'd rather not meet on this occasion but thank you for your interest and maybe see you at one of the meet-ups" or something along those lines.
That shows my friend's honest yet respectful, setting his stall, in a positive, upbeat way (and who knows, that might attract the same back!).
This could, of course, apply to anyone - not just this guy. Copy and paste. Copy and paste, etc.
I always think it's best to be honest and on-the-table with people, no matter how they might try to push you around. Being firm and polite, and setting boundaries, so you're not letting yourself be compromised in any way.
I wouldn't be too quick to pass judgement at this stage. Give the situation a chance, I mean.. But in a way in which you're not compromised.
I was thinking about the term "Manifestation" and how important it is. What I say is as important as what I do. The weight of words can determine Destiny. By nature, I am timid, apologetic and lacking in confidence. The things my care coordinator has helped me with are in boosting that confidence. Still, yet, I notice occurrences where I betray myself through my words and I must be careful. Careful? Careful to look after myself. Which means being mindful of what I want and making sure I get what I want.
On Wednesday, my landlady, Gwen, commissioned me to take photos and videos of the room so she could advertise it. I ended up producing 1.2 GB worth of material and handing it to her, saying "Ok great, I hope it's not too much ! I got a bit carried away 😝". That alone was an apologetic statement. The way I've carried myself out in this task has been very docile and compliant - which is great - but I must be wary. I have seen so many occurrences in the past where I have acted in a similar way and been taken advantage by people, e.g., Tom L. When he shouted at me that time about cleaning, I almost automatically went into apologise mode, not realising that actually I wasn't the problem; he was having problems in his own life and simply taking them out on me because he knew me enough to know that I'm like a sounding board, or a sponge - I absorb things well.
"Sorry" has become an almost reflex action. The number of times Avi said "don't be sorry", which he then conflated into something about me only being able to make others happy if I am happy in myself. My lack of confidence was construed as being a "lack of happiness".
I look back on my family history. My parents are driven by fear and worry. My mum, particularly, lacks confidence because people have trodden on her throughout life. History is repeating itself in me. If I play the "eternal victim" then I will be the "eternal victim". My previous landlady, Patricia, used to do the same in similar ways although she was also someone who played the "eternal victim" card.
But it doesn't have to be that way. If I can catch myself in those seemingly small, insignificant statements and read those subliminal signs that other people pick up on and might use to their advantage, I can change things for the better. YES, it's now too late to retract that message I sent to Gwen. But at least I've recognised it as a sign of confidence-lack. Next time someone asks me for raw material and I go overboard, I could consider that the person hasn't stipulated the amount of material in their query and that actually the way I've handled things is very thorough and comprehensive.
It's simply a different way of looking at the same thing. Looking at the glass half-full, rather than half-empty. If I can think of what I say before I say it, catch myself if I'm thinking too negatively about things and then flip it in a way that what I'm about to say is not only POSITIVE but exudes confidence, then I'm onto a winner. Confidence is not just about posture and body language and speaking impressionably. Those things might not come naturally to me, which is fine. But it's also about WHAT I say not necessarily HOW I say it.
Sure, it's trickier to regulate these things on the phone and in face-to-face communication. But at least I can still regulate my words via written communication methods - WhatsApp and email. Now I've identified that the confidence thing is something that tends to hold me back, I'm on the right lines in terms of finding ways to assert myself without alienating other people -- something that I've learned to do on a professional level which I can apply on a personal level.
It's funny because Gwen's colleague Emily is here now showing the person around that room as I'm writing, and she was going to take photos/videos but I mentioned that I already sent 1.2 GB worth of material.
Manifest Destiny is all about having the confidence in myself to manifest those changes I want to see in the outer world. Last year, I believed I was being controlled by spirits. This is something that resulted from my pique in a lack of confidence which was triggered by those mentioned experiences. Rea said to me on 31/03/2019 that I need to manifest what I want. While this is true, the damage was already done by what I said on 28/03/2019. The wheels were already in motion. I even said to Avi on 31/03/2019 that I needed him to be the one to make contact because I lack confidence. He used that (not intentionally) to my disadvantage - by taking it as a cue to not contact me.
The trouble was, although I'd decided what/who I wanted, I lacked the confidence to manifest it. These are the "tools" I referred to in those April/May entries - those words around me from people such as Victoria who appropriated a "best interest" onto me, encouraging me to "let it go" when this wasn't actually in my best interest. I knew I wanted a positive outcome, for sure. But I wasn't able to manifest it because I didn't have the right tools at my disposal - i.e., my drive to ask and answer questions, which makes me different from a lot of people who prefer to "let sleeping dogs lie".
For the remainder of the year, those Psychosis moments were triggered PRECISELY by my lack of confidence. Those things which manifested themselves in fear were driven by my lack of confidence. From henceforth: I create my own reality.
Rory spent the first few years of his life in an ice cave, carving out his palace of wonder. He's a bit of a love doll, but he who melts the ice shall have their reward.
In my opinion, you should only KISS or SLEEP WITH someone if you LOVE them.
Otherwise, you're leading them on.
I've been recommended: to: acknowledge and process all that I've been though, where it all started from how it’s affected me.
Write out a timeline of all the things in life that have bashed me.
To lay some ghosts. It means to put stuff in your past so it doesn't bother you anymore.
This journal is a written record of the journey I've been on through my depression and social anxiety. It's a tool I'm using to help pinpoint those triggers and identify any recurring patterns so I can better understand - and hopefully appreciate - myself.
The underpinning in all of this is relationships and low self-esteem. The reason this journal is public is because I feel like I'm speaking to someone rather than just myself. And that hopefully someone will listen.
Total conversations have been disclosed in instances where there has been a breakdown in communication.
Partial conversations have been disclosed in situations where misunderstandings have triggered emotional and/or psychological responses.
Regular quotes occurred on the date of the post. Italicised quotes are recalled quotes from previous dates that have impacted on today's date.
I strive to keep all recollections of encounters as objective as possible.
This link is hidden and only shared privately with my community mental health team care coordinator and selected friends/family.
British Mindfulness Academy
Tel +44 (0) 203 582 6529
CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably)
5pm–midnight, 365 days a year
0203 906 7676
Lambeth Living Well Network Alliance
0300 304 7000 (4.30pm–10.30pm every day)
020 7924 9657
South London & Maudsley (SLAM) NHS Foundation Trust
24 hour mental health line 08007312864
Springfield Medical Centre
020 3049 4600
0300 330 0630
Open 10:00-22:00 every day
Emails are typically replied to within 72 hours
Living Well Network
St Luke's Therapy Centre
Avi Voice Message
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