When is his birthday? 14th November. So he is a Scorpio.
Why do I seem to have a thing for Scorpio? 26/03/21
My birthday is the 27th May. Gemini. This is a cheesy conversation. My fault entirely.
This was my projection talking. 26/03/21
It is not. It is good to know the star signs. It is something that I am always curious about. I say that I do not believe in it but I am always following it.
What do I know about Scorpio? I do not know too much about Scorpio. They live protected lives. They do not like to compromise. It is all or nothing.
RV says that I am sweet. No I am not. But thanks anyway.
Reading this conversation, I noticed that I was lacking in confidence. I automatically put myself down 4x.
You sent April 2, 2012
RV wants to ask me something. Do I have any girlfriend? Or do I have anyone? He apologises if it is a personal question. He feels that we are close. So he is asking. 🙂
I was wondering the same thing. But I am not so sure. I have never been with anyone.
What am I not sure of? What I was wondering about?
I am not sure if it would work with us. That is what I was wondering. Work with us? Us being close. I hardly know him. Right now, I do not think that I am ready to let anyone in. I do not feel comfortable.
RV understands what I feel. He understands. RV would like to tell me something true. He is bisexual. He had a girlfriend. And now he is single. When he was with me, he felt like kissing me. He apologises and says that I was "very good and sweet". He does not expect anything. We might not become close. But we are good mates. RV says that he is not flirting with me. Please do not feel that.
No, it is OK. I do not. Well, I did think that he was flirting with me, but not in a bad way. I would not want to disappoint him. Worse still, hurt my feelings.
This was classic manifestation. In the act of saying this, I was disappointing him and hurting his feelings.
But it is the way in which I am right now. Sorry. An honest answer to an honest question.
Why was I apologising? I had nothing to apologise for. I did not have the confidence in myself to move forwards with him because I lacked the confidence in myself. I was worried about hurting him. This was classic self subjugation. Putting his feelings above my own. My fear for moving forwards with him and not being able to live up to his expectations (not wishing to "lead him on") overrode my desire to try. 26/03/21
Do I have any feelings for guys? Of course I do.
RV says that he does not want to have sex with me. But he wants to kiss me. He apologises for "talking nonsense". He asks me not to mistake him. He said what he feels.
I tell him that it is OK. I do want to see him again. I am not sure when.
RV says that we should go out for a drink.
RV & I are talking on Facebook about WhatsApp. He says that he was taking his body pictures at the gym and asks if he can send them to me. 😛
Come on, tell him.
I answer honestly.
I am afraid that this would be a bit too much for me.
It is positive that I was able to maintain my boundaries with him by answering a question directly. 26/03/21
RV apologises again. Sorry 🙁
He wanted to know what I feel. It is nothing. Just pictures. 🙂
I tell him not to apologise. I appreciate him having asked first before sending.
I am saying it like it is. I am a functional guy. I feel uncomfortable about things that are not to do with work or money. Right now. Not for ever.
This might have been self subjugation or driven by a low confidence issue. Deep down, I wanted to be in love and have relationships but my experience of being a Love Fool (i.e., shamed or behaving erratically when I am in love) put me off.
Compare and contrast this situation against how I responded to Neil. This situation was slightly different because I was actually attracted to RV (I was not attracted to Neil). But they were similar situations in the sense that I perceived love as a "sickness" or "illness" because of the effect that it had on me. I did not understand that this was the treatment that I was giving to myself for allowing myself to feel a certain way about someone. The shame aspects (Wrenching, Victim Blaming and Sympathy Fatigue) fed into my belief that love was "toxic". They drove me to suppress my thoughts and feelings over a long period of time (several years) and shun guys who try to bring me out of my shell.
I wanted relationships. But not all of the emotional / psycho-baggage that came along with it. My experiences up until this point had been uncomfortable and unhappy. Added to this, I was brought up to be "career-minded" and shy away from that stuff. Although that was probably a more minor (20%) effect in comparison to the shaming effect of love (80%). 26/03/21
RV highlights that I have a social life. Does this make sense? We are not robots.
I tell him that he is not. I am.
Automatic / reflexive self subjugation happening again. Placing him above myself when I hardly even know him. 26/03/21
RV laughs. Come on dear...
I am tied up into trying to get things going and making things work.
At the time, I was applying / interviewing for jobs. This was my main focus. Not on serving my own deeper needs. 26/03/21
You sent April 2, 2012
RV highlights that I should enjoy my life.
I am afraid of taking my eye off the ball. I forget about these things.
My concerns were with jobs, money and security. Not with my emotional needs. 26/03/21
I am not saying that I do not want to change. It is just where my head is at the moment. I need to stay in control. Losing control is my greatest fear. I am afraid to let go of things.
I perceived "being in love" as being "out of control". Why was I made to think that? Due to the shaming aspects mentioned above. Classic example - Andy trip to France. I was made to feel ashamed for what I was feeling (due to Sympathy Fatigue). Or maybe I was making myself feel ashamed for what I was feeling by self subjugating (in this case, the other friends on the French trip). I was beating myself up for feeling in love and "out of control", at least of my own emotions. This led to the belief that I need to stay in control, which was like hiding away from all of that emotional / psycho stuff that I associated with love and relationships. I had built a shell and I was adamant not to let myself slip again because I saw how that reduced me to a fraction of the man who I once was. 23/03/21
Regarding the photos, I tell him to stick them up on Facebook. I will check it in the morning.
RV sent April 2, 2012
Rory spent the first few years of his life in an ice cave, carving out his palace of wonder. He's a bit of a love doll, but he who melts the ice shall have their reward.
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I have been recommended to acknowledge and process all that I have been though, where it all started from how it has affected me.