2 issues here:
While I do have an issue with the way in which Nathan messaged me, my ultimate issue is with Facebook Dating allowing Nathan to block me and subsequently deleting Nathan's messages (presumably for data protection purposes). The upshot? Leaving me feeling disarmed and disempowered.
Facebook has deleted Nathan's messages, thereby preventing me from seeing them ever again. Let alone responding to them. However, it is somewhat possible to tell the content of Nathan's messages through my previous responses to them. Which is, after all, the more important aspect. How I responded to the messages rather than the messages themselves.
What happened? Nathan asked me if I use WhatsApp. I said that I do use WhatsApp but I prefer getting to know people in person, through meeting and doing activities together. I gave him my Facebook username so that he could add me on there. My intention was to connect on different levels in order to more closely emulate real life (the online connections that I have with friends and family).
Nathan responded saying that he preferred to use WhatsApp for getting to know someone. He did not add me on Facebook. I showed empathy by expressing how Facebook can feel consuming sometimes. I wanted to show that I was aware of his feelings despite not feeling ready to share my number. However, he insisted on me giving him my WhatsApp number. Previous experience has taught me that this is an attribute of value and that I should be careful about who I share my number with in order to dodge a potential blocking scenario, because I know how unhealthy a breakdown of communication can feel for both parties.
Since he was acting insistently about exchanging numbers, I spoke my truth, quietly and clearly. I expressed that I feel a little uncomfortable about giving out my number to anyone. I asked if he would mind if we corresponded on here for a little while? And then maybe exchange numbers when we meet? I hoped that he was having a nice day 😀
Nathan responded in an aggressive by implicating that I was a "rude boy" who might "ditch" him. I asked him what happened. It sounded like something had happened in his past in order to make him think that way. Having experienced rejection myself, I understood how important can feel for someone to seek validation through external sources.
Nathan did not explain what happened. He only stressed that this is the way in which he is (preferring to get to know someone via WhatsApp) and no-one can change him. I said no problem at all, I was not trying to change him and I expressed respect for his position. 😌
Nathan responded something along the lines of "you respect my position? Then you will WhatsApp me now on [number]".
There appeared to be an issue of control. While I respected that this is the way in which he is, I did not appreciate the way in which Nathan was trying to control me by coaxing me into giving him my number when I had already expressed my discomfort at exchanging numbers. By expressing that no-one could control him, he was effectively trying to control me (if we apply the rule of Reverse Psychology). He appeared to be caught up in an unhealthy projection / control cycle. Or maybe that was simply the way in which I perceived it. Because ultimately, I might be saying the same about myself by judging someone else for acting controlling.
Regardless, the energy did not feel right. The atmosphere felt negative. By this point, I recognised that Nathan was not willing to compromise and that there was not much point in continuing the conversation. I wished to step back not from him but from the situation. I felt that the aggression was about to turn nasty.
Therefore, I decided to thank him for his number but not engage any further with what he was asking me to do. Send the Last Message.
Nathan responded saying that he was waiting for me to text him on WhatsApp.
I said that I may do at some point. 😌
For the immediate future, I was not intending to. At least until he cooled down. But, by the same token, I did not wish to rule it out. I wanted to keep my options open. Keep myself in a position of power.
2 hours later, Facebook Dating deactivated the conversation saying "This person's dating profile is no longer available". Whether he blocked me or simply deactivated his account is something that I might never know. Facebook Dating has prevented me from accessing his number or having the option to contact him ever again, despite my best efforts to show positivity, empathy and understanding. This is a classic example of how dating apps create the unhealthy illusion of control by controling what users can and cannot see. Preventing the facilitation of a digital reconciliation.
This is something that I wish that I could change. Dating apps are dehumanising as in they treat human beings as disposable avatars. Allowing users to block, delete and cut out other users like digital imprints.
In future, I must be careful to screen shot evidence. So that I can understand what was going wrong. Facebook Dating is effectively controling and disempowering me by preventing me from seeing Nathan's messages ever again. Let alone being able to respond to them.
I feel disappointed in Facebook Dating. Mainly because I perceived Facebook to be a more transparent digital platform in the sense that it permitted freedom of movement in all directions. I am surprised that it has resorted to the same swiping model as other dating apps. It could do so much better than that. I am surprised that it is not possible to search for anyone on Facebook Dating.
Read my post regarding Dream Dating App.
Nevertheless, I have managed to find Nathan via conventional Facebook. I have sent him a friend request to show that I am sincere about remaining connected. It might be interesting to see if a) he responds positively and b) he is able to restore our conversation on Facebook Dating. If not, I might have lost his number forever. But at least I know his full name.
This message is no longer available because the account it was sent from has been disabled.
Facebook Dating provided the option to report the conversation. There were limited options and no text field entry point in which to say "I am concerned that this person has sent me their number and I am no longer able to contact him".
However, there were 2 options under "I want to help"
Equating "Self-injury" with Self Harm, I went with that option. Because I felt concerned that this guy might be hurting himself through his messages and actions towards me.
Since drafting this post, I am delighted to find that the match and full conversation have been restored. Whether this has happened because I submitted a report to Facebook or because Nathan received my friend request and decided to re-match, I might never know. Again, due to a lack of control and empowerment.
Facebook Dating is an interesting animal, no? What happened? A guy was sending me aggressive messages (or messages that might have been interpreted by me as aggressive), trying to coax me into giving him my number. I acted polite yet firm, showed empathy, understanding and compassion while maintaining my boundaries (politely declining to send him my number). I sent him the Last Message saying that I may text him at some point. Facebook Dating deactivated the conversation preventing me from seeing his messages and number ever again. Whether the guy blocked me or simply deactivated his Facebook Dating account, I would never know. So I tracked him down via conventional Facebook and sent him a friend request. Although he has not yet accepted the friend request, miraculously, Facebook Dating has restored our match including the full conversation. 🤩
Wow. That is interesting. However, the guy seems forward. It might be wise to avoid him. I never knew that could happen.
Come on, you know me. Avoidance Mentality is not my style 😏
The interesting part of this process is that I resigned myself to the fate that I would never be able to see those messages again let alone respond to them. Yet I still drafted the journal entry. In the act of compiling my journal, I have not deprived myself of fuel to address similar accounts in future. There was a process whereby I experienced disempowerment over something that was out of my control (Facebook Dating erasing the conversation). Yet by commissioning myself to write about my experience, I engaged in a process of turning a negative experience into a positive experience. Presumably, this process of non-relent was what might have triggered the Universe to rearrange Facebook Dating into re-matching and revealing the full conversation. The Universe had nothing else left to lose. I had taken a part of it back.
For this reason, I have decided to censor his full name and number. As my way of sending my Karma back to the Universe.
How are you feeling? I have been feeling anti-climax too after an exciting weekend.
You feel down. You do not understand it. Why it happens. You have had a great weekend. But now everything is dull. And you miss your B kissing you. You feel sad. Who is B? Your friend who you are not in a relationship with but you hang out and are quite open with each other. You had an awesome night, he made you breakfast in the morning and you left to go home now. You miss him. You are meeting Wednesday.
Did you meet him on Friday?
No, not on Friday. You have met B once, a few weeks back. You clicked. You officially met. He is a bit older. He is 37! But you get on so well. You have a connection. You are calling it a "friendship with benefit" scenario.
Sounds nice. I do not think that you mentioned him? I guess that you wanted to keep it private, for now 😌
Bless you 🙏
I am happy for you.
You think that it did not cross your mind because you were not sure where you stood. Your first meeting was strange. Yesterday, you met again. You spent the whole day with him. You went home. Last night, he invited you to stay. You did. It was the best night. And morning. You are meeting on Wednesday.
Ah, that sounds so nice ☺️
Have you ever heard of a "Love Hangover"?
No, you think that you have had it before. Maybe this is that.
It is a term that I invented. When I first got together with Rob, I felt like that, too.
Sometime, he is going to come with you to a LL event. At some point, maybe you will introduce him to me. Bear in mind that you only met twice. So much has happened. You get on like you have known each other for months. It is weird. That connection. And chemistry. He is 12 years older than you. But you do not think that the age gap is too bad. When he is 50, you will be 38. Thinking why that is messing with you, you do not know.
That can happen. You suddenly feel a connection with someone after having only met them once or twice. That is what falling in love is 😍
Enjoy it. There will be ups and downs. It would not be love otherwise. Remember you are special, individual and unique in this universe. You have something that no-one else can give. You can only control yourself. The rest is just life, and you have to live it.
You know that you feel like this could become a thing. But you will take it slowly. Although you are meeting again on Wednesday. But for dinner and chill. No alcohol. Without giving too much away, you could not stop kissing!!! You are in shock. This weekend has been the best in ages. Your mind is in hundreds of directions.
Taking it slow is smart. It is OK to be in shock, especially if you are not used to it. That is why it is healthy to have these periods of solitude afterwards so that you can reflect. It is part of you processing it. It is important to allow that to happen. And maybe the depression / loneliness that you might be feeling now is part of that process that you need to accept the rough with the smooth. But feel assured that you are in a positive place right now 🤗
You can smile. You feel happy. Too happy.
You feel emotions deeply. That is a nice quality to have, painful as it can be, sometimes. If there are any situations that you want to talk through and/or messages that you need to run by me, happy to help out 🤗
It is important to check in regularly!
Talk through them.
I read signs from the Universe. Right now, I read that I need to:
Overall, I must take my own advice. Both your experience and the experience with Mohak brings back this topic of labels. Time and time again, I keep noticing how quickly myself and others judge situations and ascribe labels to situations before letting them have a chance to develop naturally on their own accord. This, in itself, is a form of protection. Because it enables us to regulate ourselves and our boundaries by measuring situations up against social ideas and constructs. But if we are not careful, labels can be a limitation as much as a liberation.
Take the situation with Mohak. He has acted honestly by telling me that he has a boyfriend. A previous version of me might have taken that as a cue to walk away from him. But I have not. I have not responded negatively or played out the Eternal Victim by interpreting that negatively as a rejection. Instead, I have interpreted it in the best spirit possible. I have allowed Mohak's honesty to strengthen and empower me in a positive way. Put me in a stronger position. Instead of "writing him off", I have taken it in my stride. I have defined the situation in how I have chosen to respond to it. That is the key. Positive Manifestation.
It was wise to ask him what he is looking for. That way, I am protecting myself both in the act of asking him and answering that same question honestly when it was put to me. Using it as an opportunity to open up a positive dialogue. Yes, he might be "taken" or "in a relationship" but it does not stop us meeting for a coffee or a drink and a chat. That is the whole point of having a conversation. Who knows? Although the answer that he provided was vague and non-committal, there might be other reasons why he has contacted me. Why prevent myself from finding out what those reasons might be? Why not take him at his word, meet up with him and find out what he is about?
The "taken" / "I am in a relationship" is a little test from the Universe. A red herring. A diversion. To test how I might respond. And guess what, I passed the test!
Today's lesson: tap into my inner strength (bring on the messages!). 💪
And always, always remember to screen shot whatever happens in a dating app. 🙌 📸 🔐
Rory spent the first few years of his life in an ice cave, carving out his palace of wonder. He's a bit of a love doll, but he who melts the ice shall have his reward.
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I have been recommended to acknowledge and process all that I have been though, where it all started from how it has affected me.