[08/03/2019, 16:52:10] Avi: Don't blame yourself if I feel things which are not there
What is it? Someone messaging you? No. Someone not messaging you? No response. Straight away, my mum could tell that it was Avi. Have we been in contact? No. Get over it. It was 2 years ago. It is over. I cannot "get over it". Stop acting self indulgent. Now you are victim blaming. No you are not. This is why I cannot talk to my family about this stuff. If I cannot deal with it, get a counsellor.
What brought all of this on? I had another dream. About the 3rd or 4th dream that I have had so far this year. I have not mentioned these dreams in here. I tried to "let them go". I suppose that this is natural. If I am not permitted to talk about this stuff to anyone in the waking world, it is bound to haunt me at night.
In the dream, I was crying in a mental health ward. The doctor wanted to discharge me because he had enough on his hands and thought that I was not "ill" enough to be admitted into St Thomas Hospital. I missed the 1st 3 lectures of my world music course. The dream also involved me reflecting on a Facebook post that Avi wrote on 31st March 2019, where he had encouraged me not to cry. I stuck a tear on it. 😢
I woke up, the grief feeling as fresh as ever. Maybe the expression is etched into my face so much that my mum can tell simply by looking at it. Most days, it is a shadow / a memory. But occasional days (like today), I am right back where I was in April 2019, 2 years ago. Like it only happened yesterday. The rest of the world has moved on. And I am left far behind still trying to process my feelings of grief.
People say that "love always wins over eventually". If I am able to love someone to feel this much pain, why am I still losing?
This morning, we were supposed to have eggs for breakfast. But there was a change of plan. I have never been able to cope well with changes of plan. I am likely to take what someone says or does and run to the horizon (and beyond) with it. Pull them up on it. Hold them to account. I must remember that grief is like the yolk of a fried egg. The yolk never goes away but the whiteness becomes bigger and stronger. The only way in which I can "get over" something is by not avoiding it. Why should I "get over" my love for someone, anyway? Surely it is a sign of strength to believe in love? If I feel this much pain for someone, how am I ever going to get past that and move forwards with someone else?
[12/01/2020, 12:26:07] Avi: I meant every word I said or wrote, i was expressing what I was feeling at the moment back then. Maybe I did it too strongly, and maybe this would be my lesson, not to express everything that occurs to you, but I do back everything I said and wrote because I know that I meant it.
Rory spent the first few years of his life in an ice cave, carving out his palace of wonder. He's a bit of a love doll, but he who melts the ice shall have his reward.
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I have been recommended to acknowledge and process all that I have been though, where it all started from how it has affected me.