[01:02, 04/08/2021] Lily: Rory seriously, what are you doing man?.. We have asked you so many times, can you please stop using our name and images?
[01:17, 04/08/2021] Seyi 🏳️🌈: Hi Rory are you ok? What happened?
[21:10, 03/08/2021] CW: Hey, I can see there's a bit of tension. I hope you aren't getting overwhelmed with it and I'm here if you need help
[21:49, 03/08/2021] Cyrece: Hey
I nearly added "Why, were people saying that I am malicious?" But I realised that this question might sound defensive. Or cause awkwardness / tension. So I decided not to.
[21:28, 03/08/2021] Jaron: Hey Rory, I want to apologize for jumping the gun there, and asking if you directly copied the group name and logo. I don’t know if you actually own that new group in the new place or have an arrangement with the new folks. I hope you folks all do have a new arrangement and that it isn’t some silly sabotage. I’ve met you in person a few times, I think you’re lovely and kind — so this’d be totally out of character for you!
[08:04, 04/08/2021] Rory Duffy: I think that's you in this photo 😊
I nearly replied to say that none of the other admins had contacted me since Saturday and that I had messaged Lily first thing this morning. But I decided against it.
Anything involving (trying to) control others. Bound to end in disaster. Have I not learned my lesson? I cannot control others. I can only control myself. This is why I was holding back for so long when the messages were coming thick and fast last night. The others might have interpreted my delay as me "not defending myself". Or judging me for allowing people to make such accusations at me.
My plan was (as always) to sleep on it and respond in the morning. I had even drafted a message. It might have been a mistake taking my phone to bed. To check that Lily had not tampered with the Meetup page. Of course, she did precisely that, late at night, when I least expected it. When I noticed, I responded on impulse. Obviously, this is what caught me out. The thought that I had put into this drafted message to send first thing the following morning overrode my ability to think rationally. I had not prepared myself for the possibility that Lily would beat me to it. I simply did not believe that she was capable. I was proved wrong.
[09:42, 04/08/2021] Rob: You ok? I saw they were talking about you In the group
I do not know why I am asking Rob to see messages about me. It is probably my OCD. I am trying to gather as much information as I possibly can. In case I can use it against someone? Maybe. People should be using a WhatsApp group to say atrocities about someone to others behind their back. It is not nice. It seems that this is what the WhatsApp group is for. They talk about Jenny. Originally, it was her group that she set up. This is why I have become involved. I know how Jenny feels. It is triggering for me to have seen her treated in this way. Having known her for 2 years. Not many people in that group know her. If they did, they would not be making such hurtful accusations about her. This is what has fuelled my interfering. Defending Jenny. Taking matters into my own hands. I have chosen to do this in a somewhat unconventional way. And it has backfired.
It takes time to process and learn. I have been up for most of the night. I am shattered. I received my due karma for what I did on Saturday evening.
First thing this morning, when I replied to Lily, I was mindful that anything that I said to her would effectively be screen shot and broadcast to a WhatsApp group of 217 people. Therefore, I needed to choose my words extra carefully. I think that I did OK. Given the circumstances.
The attempted takeover might have been a way for me to re-address the balance. Hosting it in my Meetup page would counter-balance any resentment that I might feel towards the others for the lack of respect that they showed towards Jenny. And a way for me to remain involved. But to have it in my terms. So that I was not feeling alienated.
I found myself caught in a "political" hail storm. When the split occurred, I felt torn between the 2 sides. I naturally gravitated towards supporting Jenny and the original group. I went with my gut instinct. However, I did not want to be alienated from the rebels. They forced me to choose a side. Now I realise (painful as it is), I chose the correct side, because it was not fair of the rebels to make me choose! This is why I tried to take over. Because it was the only way in which I could see myself staying involved in both groups amicably. My loyalty is with Jenny and I wanted to represent her as much as possible. I felt that I could not do that if I sided completely with the rebels. There was no compromise. It was either / or. And this is what I have been struggling with.
My initial thought to send to Lily was:
Hey Lily, I didn't mean to confuse anyone! I don't understand why we cannot work together.
But that might have triggered Lily asking awkward questions about the Instagram raid. Which I might not have been prepared to answer. Apart from possibly damaging my reputation and undermining the trust of others in myself, I might have risked outing Jenny (despite her telling me not to). Which I was not prepared to do. Since Jenny asked me not to tell anyone about her part in the Instagram raid, I might have been forced to take false responsibility for what Jenny did. This would affect my reputation. Something that I am not prepared to risk.
Perhaps the Instagram raid was a little impulsive of me? It was too early to tell what would happen with the group. My understanding was that the Instagram account was Jenny's property and that the rebels had hijacked it. This is why my immediate objective was to change the login details and give it back to Jenny. I had no idea that the account was linked to Claire's email address. Or that Jenny would simply delete everything on it. The impulse was partly Jenny. The reality is we share responsibility 50/50.
At the time, I saw this as karma for Anna kicking Jenny off the WhatsApp buckets. Unfortunately, I did not foresee that this might create a subsequent trust breach. And a reluctancy for the rebel admins to work with me (under the assumption that I was working with Jenny). Everything was moving too quickly for me to properly understand what was happening. And my immediate priority was to support Jenny as much as possible.
Despite the trauma of last night's incident, I feel that I have come out of it relatively unscathed.
Yes, it is disappointing and frustrating that the possibility of becoming self-appointed organiser of their park Meetup slipped through my grasp. The Instagram raid and subsequent breach of trust will have certainly played a massive part in the admins reluctance to work with me (as pointed out by Sam L). However, at least I tried to take the opportunity. I owe myself that. I did what I had to do. It did not work. It was a clever and controversial manoeuvre. Although it came off successfully, it backfired, despite my best efforts. Things happen for a reason. And at least I took others' advice when they told me that I am too nice and needed to grow a backbone. Which I hear so often!
I have reverted the group back to London Gay Socials (LGS). I can keep it on the side (as I have done so far) for something better for which I could use it in future. If GaySocial accost me of taking their name, I can at least say that the group was that name before I took over LGS and before GaySocial changed their name from London Lads. And that I did try to rebrand it but was overruled.
Interestingly, I did! And this is precisely what happened! Another prediction. 01/10/21
How am I feeling generally?
I do not know where I am going in my life. My music is not happening. THT are not booking me. I am lacking the motivation. Last night's experience has put a massive dent in my confidence. Not only with Meetup (since I feel unable to continue attending the Saturday park events). But also with dating and relationships in general.
I am experiencing flashbacks of incidents like at school where I feverishly tried to set up clubs and control other people. Or at university, college and music career where I tried to form bands. Throughout my life, I have consistently proven to myself unable to work in teams. Whenever I try to step up and take authority, I end up alienating people. Yet when I play Mr Nice Guy (like I have been doing with these Diáspora recordings), I let people walk all over me. Maybe there is something within me (a trigger?) that is preventing me from having a positive relationship with myself enough to have a positive relationship with others? Or maybe it is simply that my personal standards are too high and that I constantly project my internal standards on the external world (in vain)? This would include both groups (personal and professional) and one-to-one relationships. Maybe I expect too much of others and find myself easily disappointed?
I am feeling like I am giving up on my life. Many unfinished projects and unresolved accounts. I look around my room. I see items such as my colour-coded music folders / band costume collections that have not been touched in months or years. Clothes that I have not worn. Not feeling able to pick up the phone even to my parents because I feel alienated from them. Recordings scattered around my computers that have not been completed. Unfinished conversations on dating apps and WhatsApp that I am lacking the energy and motivation to continue. Everything around me feels transient and ephemeral like it will never reach a stage of completion.
As it currently stands: I still plan to put myself to eternal rest on my 40th birthday. I have been planning to do that for 2 years. I set myself a 2-step life exit plan.
I will do step 2 on my 40th birthday. Late at night. I have 6 years remaining. I want to ensure that these last 6 years of my life I am having fun. Buying clothes. Partying. Even if I never end up in a perfect relationship, at least I will be enjoying those remaining 6 years. I cannot see myself living beyond 40. And that is perfectly OK. Materially, I am lucky. I can still maintain a good quality of life until then. I still have 6 summers in which to drink, dance, prance and socialise (even if it does not lead to anything). And I can still go out on a high note. There is nothing wrong with that. I think that it is better to leave this world in the way in which I desire to live, that is the main thing. To not harbour any regrets.
There is a taboo about suicide. People are ill-equipped to talk about it. But for me, this is a social construct. And nothing more. There is a certain comfort in knowing that I cannot possibly descend to any lower depths. And that I will soon be free of my discomfort. It feels better to sit at the bottom of that well that the sickly sensation of falling into it. If my life has no purpose or reason, why continue with it? When the resources of the world should be put to better uses? Each time and energy pocket to its respective allocation as I like to say.
[11:58, 02/11/2019] Victoria: You are such a horrible person
2 years ago, I joined Meetup as part of my recovery plan for my depression. 2 years later, things have changed. Meetup has become a trigger for my depression.
Is my depression because of the people (Anna, Lily etc.) who have invaded that environment and made it hostile for me? Add Hafyz and HZ to the mix. Sooner or later, Avi Taler will enter that environment. And it will all come together beautifully and ironically. Actors in masks who once sought me, who now seek other spirits that I do not recognise. Creating the perfect conditions for my sadness.
Is my depression because of me? Is it because I seep everything good out? Maybe Victoria Wills was right about me all along. After all, she knew me for 12 years. Longer than most of my friends (who come and go). She witnessed the cycles of thought and action that I manifested and repeated over and over again during those years. We met at university. Our first bonding experience was over a guy (Steve) who I had an infatuation for who did not reciprocate my feelings for him. Did I hold too high expectations of him? Or were my expectations in myself too high not to destroy my relationship with him? This was in 2007. 12 years later, in 2019, I called her out because she cancelled a Halloween party (for no transparent reason other than that I was the only one who confirmed) and exited a WhatsApp group. Throughout my life, people have been telling me that I need to have more confidence and stand up for myself. I have tried to do that. I have tried to stand up for my friends (Jenny being the current example). But whenever I do that, I fail. Is this the poisonous effect that Victoria Wills sees within me? The idea that whatever I touch (whether it be a relationship or a group venture), breaks? Is that what happened with Avi Taler?
Last night, I had a fantasy that I will message Avi Taler on my 40th birthday. Just before taking the drugs, I will say to him:
Dear Avi. Tonight, I am leaving this world. I am saying goodnight. And although I have missed you during these intervening years, I want you to know that I don't blame you. This is why it is important for me that our history is part of my story. Because it meant so much to me. And I never wanted to see you go. But you did go. Despite however much I tried to prevent that. This is why you have become a part of me and who I am. Forever.
Now that my reputation among Meetup is potentially weakened, is this the reflection that I will now see in other people when I force myself to return to those park events?
Screw it. Life is too much effort. I spend too much time thinking, worrying and ruminating. The easiest way in which to escape is to accept that my life is not sustainable. I need to escape. Nothing that I have tried is working for me anymore. Dating. Meetup. Music. Gym. Relationships. Friendships. Family. Job.
I am back to thinking this:
It will happen. On my 40th birthday. I have the money in my account to buy the drugs. Several hundred pounds. It will not go to waste. This journal? It will remain online. It will be made prominent on the night of my death. An elaborated suicide note. I will have nothing to hide anymore. If I left unexpectedly, at least people might be able to read and understand the narrative leading up to it. And I will not be leaving anyone guessing, questioning or speculating. Because it is as important for others to find answers as it is for me to seek solace and comfort in death. 🙏
Thinking and planning this has helped to clear my mind. After all of these months, planning my death again is exciting and liberating. Like starting a new project. I feel an openness. A white space. A serene tranquility. I do not need to try as hard as I have been trying throughout my life. Yes, I still have some years to go. 6 years to be precise. I do not know what I am going to do with those years. Everything else, I have tried and failed. Maybe there is nothing left for me to try.
I keep telling myself that the most important relationship in life is with myself. I keep telling myself that. Maybe it is not enough.
With suicide, I must be in a lucid mindset to go through with it. If I tell someone that I am feeling suicidal, that is like raising a cry for help. At a microcosmic level, it is me telling myself that there is something to live for and something worth fighting for. If I purify that relationship with self in a way in which I am at peace with my imminent suicide, it will be easier to carry out. This is why it is important to carry it out when I am feeling well. Not when I am feeling depressed. This is the key. I must be feeling sufficiently fulfilled enough in myself to know that I have lived my life to the fullest. And that there is no reason for me to continue beyond a certain point. In this way, I will embed the notion of suicide into my everyday rational (rather than irrational) state. I will normalise and trivialise it so that it feels less drastic, extreme or threatening. It will feel natural, like putting myself to sleep at the end of a long day. I will feel satisfied, quenched and tired. But not sad. I can instil it in myself that my life has no meaning. And feel OK with that. Gracefully surrendering those pillars in life that give me something to hold onto or fight for to the welcoming darkness. Embrace suicide as a routine or a procedure. Nothing to be afraid of.
My planned exit: overdose on barbiturates. 👌
How am I doing? ❤️
What is going on? Lara says that there is more drama. Lily is having a go at me?
I think so. It is over. 😪
Jenny advises me to screenshot what I sent to them.
I cannot. I am banned.
Lily is in touch again, I can understand her frustration but I think that it’s important to investigate the root of where all of this started, which I think Jenny & I both agree on.
[16:11, 04/08/2021] Lily: Rory I hope you can understand where this frustration is coming from when you've completely ghosted everyone, and simply took the imagery and made it your own thing
I will reply later. I am going to the gym. I need some headspace to think.
With regards to the drama that Lara mentioned to Jenny, I apologised to Jenny for not flagging sooner. I was still shell shocked from the night before and not wanting to stress her out when she has already had enough on her plate.
Rob forwarded me these from the group chat.
Jenny thinks that they are dreadful.
More from Lily. It seems reasonable, but I would only go if Jenny is there.
[16:58, 04/08/2021] Lily: It's not that we "don't need you as an admin", is that after the donations and Instagram fiasco, we don't know who to trust
I have apologised to Jenny for troubling her. I want to keep her informed.
Jenny advises me not to go. She says that they are manipulative and controlling.
If Jenny is not up for it, I will not. 👌
@Sam @Claire @Anna please add yourselves to the group and I will set you up as the same, you will be able to tweak copy/images/events etc., as desired. I will remain on there in name only. I will not require any financial contribution as this is on a pre-existing organisers account and I already receive donations via my shy group (so I am all covered). Please feel free to set up your own separate...
[15:56, 03/08/2021] ?: that being said... he didn't respond do any of our requests, and he didn't consult us before doing all this. And all admind unanimously agreed we wanted to do things differently.
I have asked Jenny to let me know if she is comfortable with me sending this to Lily. I will probably do it in the morning. Jenny says that it looks good but she will read through it tomorrow. What kind of allegations were they making about donations? I cannot remember exactly, I was not paying attention. Financially, Jenny has been in the minus over the years with that group!
I have apologised again for not consulting Jenny before Saturday but I thought that things needed shaking up for this to come to light. Which it looks like it has, judging by some of the screenshots people that have been sending me. I have taken the consequences. There is no need to mention the Instagram raid (none of their business). I focused on what generally happened. And glossed over the potential coffee with scheduling complications. 👌
Interesting, Jaron messaged me this morning (see top of page, tabbed). He seems to be creating more drama in the act of wishing not to create more drama 🤔
It was wise not to reply to him this morning. He appears to be ambivalent / on the fence. He might have repeated what I said to him privately amongst the group chat.
I disagree with the part about me not "saying a word". I did not "duplicate" the group. And I did announce the Meetup page to the other admins on Saturday evening. There is distortion going on here. Chinese whispers.
Also, notice how it is always the same ones shutting down the conversation who are creating the "drama".
CW is sorry that I received all of this shit for trying to do something nice. She will not say what she wants to as she does not want to be put on the banned list, too (seems to be a lot of that going on these days). But anyone who knows me would know that I am not being horrible.
I feel paranoid about putting anything in writing these days. In case it is traced.
CW does not blame me. This seems so judgemental.
I was petrified, too afraid to say anything. For about a week. More than a week. It is over.
And now something that I have done in good heart has been thrown in my face. CW is sorry.
CW is thinking of me.
It has been a difficult day but I am feeling a bit better now 😌 🙏 I am praying for the members.
CW hears that I am going to see Lily. When did she hear that? She put it in the group.
How are things with Hafyz? No update. Am I OK with that? Not sure. I have had too much on my mind with all of this. I do not have the headspace or emotion to deal with guys right now, much as I would love to. 😍
I must work on myself. Or take care of myself, I think that this is the correct expression. It is good that I am putting myself first.
Rory spent the first few years of his life in an ice cave, carving out his palace of wonder. He's a bit of a love doll, but he who melts the ice shall have his reward.
332 Brixton Road
Samaritans, 24 hours, on 116123 or email:
I have been recommended to acknowledge and process all that I have been though, where it all started from how it has affected me.