What am I reflecting on? I have done lots of growing over the last couple of years.
I have been working through my journal entries backwards in time. Identifying different patterns of behaviour and modes of thought. Looking at some of what I was going through. OMG 😱 it was a bit mad, no? I think that I have learned an important lesson, though.
It might have felt a bit mad / intense at the moment, but it was a period of personal growth where I confronted many things in my life. Am I still in touch with Rob?
Rob & I have somewhat drifted apart. He does not write to me anymore. I have not heard from him in weeks ☹️
But I am OK with it. I am trying not to judge it too much. Just see it as a natural part of life. Perhaps we are not all that compatible after all? We will always be there for one another, though. He has been a great guy for me. I would stick by him in anything.
I hope that we can maintain a close friendship. He is a positive influence in my life. But maybe he is not a close life partner.
There was a lot of projection going on. I am guilty of that more than anyone.
Sonia perceives that he seemed too introverted to meet my needs. I need someone who I can travel and have adventures with.
Maybe. Usually, I am the introverted one! I feel like I need someone who will bring me out of my shell. Rather than the other way around.
The trouble is, I have always been attracted to people who are not "good" for me. I do not know if that is a self-destructive tendency 😝
Rob was not bad for me. He is someone who I needed. Someone gentle, supportive etc.
I do not mean Rob, absolutely not. I mean the other guys. Like Avi.
Maybe I need someone in between Avi and Rob. Like JR? Just because one person did not work out, it does not mean that there is not someone else equally as good but different in a way that is better suited to me. Like my job. I had a few knocks but then found something great. That was as good but different. Sometimes, that is what it is. Just need a different blend.
I do not know if I am ready for a relationship. But that is OK. As long as I do not "hide myself away" for years, like I did before. That way, it is not so extreme, so "black and white". I will continue attending the Meetup events. Be part of the crowd. And always, always try to think about a situation in terms of whether I feel comfortable with it or whether it is worth it for me.
Sometimes, I think of myself as a liability. I talk myself out of something before giving it a chance to develop. I want to get out of doing that. Train myself to think positive. Not burn bridges or respond in a hurt way to things. It is hard to train that mindset, when I am feeling it in the moment. I am not sure that I am ready. I need more practice.
Yes, little by little. It is not something that can happen overnight. At least I am aware of what I am doing now. Before, I was totally confused. And burned out.
Last Halloween, I invited a guy out to a drag show. I sold him his ticket as a little test to see if he was true to his intention of coming. He did not show up. Automatically, I thought that I had been stood up and practically wrote him off in my head. Next morning, it transpired that he had lost his phone 😩
I was thinking. What was that about? Was that necessary?
Afterwards, I said something to him about love being transient and ephemeral 🙄
[08:24, 04/11/2020] Rory Duffy: Yes, it is very honest. Love comes and goes. Nothing is final, everything is transient and ephemeral. It starts with oneself 💕
I feel like I am not ready because I am still having these thoughts. Judging situations too much before giving them a chance to develop. I do not know if I am ready. I do not know how to process everything and get me out of that cycle of playing the "Eternal Victim".
That is why I want to do things properly, in a healthy mindset. I am aware of how I might be hurting or blaming others before even knowing them properly. It is all there, just waiting for them to tap into 😝
I cannot get rid of it.
Self Fulfilling Prophecy
Rory spent the first few years of his life in an ice cave, carving out his palace of wonder. He's a bit of a love doll, but he who melts the ice shall have his reward.
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I have been recommended to acknowledge and process all that I have been though, where it all started from how it has affected me.