How do I feel? Flat. Deflated. Unfulfilled. There is no reason for me to. But maybe I am under-eating and over-training in the gym. Today, I progressed upwards on weights for 3 out of my 6 stations. It is no wonder that I found it difficult to complete my side laterals. My body and mind feel weak and fatigued.
[03/07/2021, 22:28:37] Sam: <attached: 00000489-AUDIO-2021-07-03-22-28-37.opus>
Relationship with Sam. I am happy that we are back on track. Update: Sam contacted me on Saturday night. He asked me to be honest with him. He asked me if I still like him both physically and emotionally? Physically, I said that I still like him. Emotionally, I said that I feel a little afraid of him.
[03/07/2021, 22:38:51] Rory Duffy: Hey Sam, I'm fine 😌 thank you,
We agreed to meet for coffee on Sunday. Initially, he invited me to his house but I felt more comfortable meeting in a neutral location. Sensible move. The aim was to be back home by 9 at the latest. We met at a coffee shop near Oval.
The meeting was great, we talked through our misunderstandings. I think that there was a certain level of it where I needed to work on my responses because I am sensitive and I tend to take things literally / personally. There is a language / culture / background difference that we need to work on.
We are from difference backgrounds. We have different relationships with our parents. However, those things should not form the basis of not being in a relationship. The strength of a relationship is in overcoming those perceived obstacles and boundaries. Making it work.
Through the evening, I began to realise that a lot of my worries and concerns about Sam arose out of my own judgements and prejudices. It was not necessarily what he said or how he said it. It was about how I listened and responded to him. On Saturday, I was delightedly telling my friends that I had "dodged a bullet" and had a "lucky escape". I was projecting my own experiences onto a relationship that had not yet developed. I was fortune-telling and predicting.
Honestly, I never thought that I would hear from him ever again. I had written him off completely. I thought that he was another passing ship. Perhaps he still is and this is dragging out longer and more painful. Oh, I know that I should not manifest (and that is why I am holding back a lot from him initially). But he reminds me too much of Avi Taler. In fact, he is the person who I have dated since Avi Taler who seems the most similar to Avi Taler.
This could work both ways. A number of times, he has mentioned that he exaggerates. Perhaps he exaggerates the positives as well as the negatives? Since our meeting last night, he has been showering me with compliments and entertaining me with talk of the future. It seems that he needs a lot of compliments from me in return. A form of validation (I have already established that this is not necessarily a bad requirement). I am feeling a little exhausted but I guess that this is part of getting used to a new relationship. Multiple times, I said that I was not getting enough from Rob and now I am getting more than I expected from Sam. Which is great, actually. If I am completely 100% honest with myself. Almost too great to be authentic. It feels nice receiving praise and flattery from an attractive man who I am dating. My only reservation is about how long his feeling is going to last. And how his feeling is something that I cannot necessarily control or sustain. All that I can do is be myself. And enjoy it.
I have told Sam about my autism. He has thanked me for telling him and said that explains a lot. I explained that the reason for me delaying was because I had his interests at heart. He had a new job and his friend was coming to stay over for four days. He had enough on his plate. I did not want to impose myself on him. I wanted to wait until we could spend more quality time together and relax without rushing. Regarding the ambiguous messages, I took so long to respond because I cared enough about wanting to get my response right. The message about engaging in sexual activity with his friend left me trembling. It took me 24 hours to recover from that bombshell. And before I had the chance, he had already messaged me back first. He has said that if I am ever struggling to interpret / respond to a message, I can wave my hand and ask him what he means. This is positive. A healthy mechanism.
I have told him about my shyness / introversion. I must listen to what I wrote back in February about how we feel things much deeper than extroverts, who process and express their emotions much closer to the surface.
A frequent pattern that I have found in introverts is that we process emotion at a deeper level than extroverts. This is both a blessing and a curse. We find ourselves somewhat ill-equipped to express emotions in words. Words trivialise emotions to the extent that there is a disparity between words, gestures and what we are actually feeling deep down. I wanted nothing more than to express my enjoyment of Avi and his company and the desire for it to continue. Which, in theory, should not be bad.
Perhaps it is a combination of both my shyness / introversion and my ASD that makes it difficult for me to reciprocate in equal measure the sentiments that he bestows upon me? To express the things that I find hard to say in conversation but easy to write in here? There is also my slowness of processing, another aspect of my ASD.
Responding to subtle signs and signals is not a process that comes naturally to me. I am highly sensitive. I sense things all of the time. Sometimes, I am aware of things too much. To the extent that they become incomprehensible and begin to have an influence over my decision-making. Overtake my ability to rationalise. My acute sensitivity is both an advantage and a disadvantage. A gift that is intended to provide me with a head start and compensate for my slowness of responding. I experience a strange feeling when I sense that things are not what they seem. But I am slow at responding to these feelings in a way that is meaningful to another person. When I feel under pressure to rush, I fall over and hurt myself. That is where I struggle.
[11:09, 02/11/2019] Victoria: Rory you are too slow for me
In terms of feelings and emotions, I move much slower and deeper than neurotypicals and extroverts. I am likely to fall head over heels. I have already said to Sam that I would like to move much slower. He seems to be rushing. Almost future faking.
[05/07/2021, 16:02:35] Sam: How do you feel sweetie?
I cannot control others. I cannot stop Sam from future faking. I can still respond favourably to it. While keeping in the back of my mind that actions speak louder than words. I can still be in a relationship wit Sam and reciprocate at a slower pace. If he is the right guy for me, he will respect that. I can still be myself. But I must be wary that he is expressing everything that he feels at the moment right now.
I meant every word I said or wrote, i was expressing what I was feeling at the moment back then. Maybe I did it too strongly, and maybe this would be my lesson, not to express everything that occurs to you, but I do back everything I said and wrote because I know that I meant it.
It is not the strength of what he is expressing that I am worried about. It is more the longevity / sustainability of it. It almost sounds too good to be true. At any moment, Sam could simply switch off the heat at the slightest wrong words uttered, like Avi Taler did so suddenly. This is something that I need to be aware of. I cannot completely trust anyone.
It’s not that I’m afraid of things not working out,
Max: Liz, I think that what I'm afraid of isn't that we try this and it works out really badly. What I'm afraid of is we try it and it works out really well. I'm afraid of feeling everything that I know I would feel. Because I know it's not meant to be. And somewhere down the line, we're gonna get hurt. I can live with that. I just couldn't bear to hurt you.
What I am afraid of is not that we try this and it works out really badly. What I am afraid of is that we try it and it works out really well. I am afraid of feeling everything that I know that I would feel. And somewhere down the line, one of us might get hurt. I cannot live with that. I could not bear to get hurt again.
If Sam can keep up this momentum for an extended period, fine. But if I am merely a passing obsession and he becomes bored (like Avi), that could pose a problem for me.
Sam repeatedly assures me how much he likes me. Frequently, he uses the word "honestly". Which is great. But honestly manifests itself in multiple forms. Sam is expressing how he truly feels about me right now. Key words: right now. But how will he feel about me in the future?
Despite Sam's lovely promises and assurances, true love is what is left over after the love has gone and after the passion has subsided a little.
At some point, I will send him that meme "love is what you do" to illustrate that actions speak louder than words.
Oh, and by the way, I arrived home at 21:30.
Rory spent the first few years of his life in an ice cave, carving out his palace of wonder. He's a bit of a love doll, but he who melts the ice shall have his reward.
332 Brixton Road
Samaritans, 24 hours, on 116123 or email:
I have been recommended to acknowledge and process all that I have been though, where it all started from how it has affected me.