The night before last night, I had a disturbing dream. Last night, at my cousin’s wedding, I told my mum that I am physically well but mentally not well. I told her that I had a disturbing dream. But I did not go into the details of it. This morning, my mum said that it kept her awake all night worrying. Yes, it is all very well “offloading”. But it is a bit too much.
What happened in the dream? I cannot remember much of it. Most of the details are hazy. But I do remember that I was drinking myself to death on white wine. I was upstairs in a pub (a conflation of Comptons and the Duke of Welly?). I was with the 20s and 30s group. But they were in a different place (possibly Heaven?). Pancho’s words that I should stop searching and allow others to find me were going through my head. I was drinking and crying ecstatically with the ultimate intention that I would be drunk enough to jump out of the window and fall to my death. There was a lot of ☠️ going on. In the end, I think that Megan somehow found me and prevented me from killing myself. I do not remember what happened. But I remember how it made me feel. And how it is still making me feel.
Last night, I went crazy on the alcohol. I was so spooked by the dream. I had no one to talk to or confide in (since it was my cousin’s wedding and there was so much happening). I guess that I let my fears get out of control and this manifested in the drinking. I might have also been triggered by some of the relationship / love advice that was happening in both sermon and speeches. Comparing it to my own. Preoccupied with my loneliness and the irony that I must learn to be on my own before I can be with someone else. I cannot make anyone else happy unless I first make myself happy.
There were other parts of the dream, one where I was cooking a lentil, spinach and mushroom korma, and the other where I was burning down a cathedral.
Last night, at the wedding, I grabbed a near empty bottle of white wine (after everyone had left the wedding breakfast room for the evening reception downstairs). I poured most of it into the near full bottle that I had procured from my table. And downed the rest of it straight from the bottle. I feel ashamed of myself. Earlier on in the afternoon, I had also spent £7.25 on a small glass of house white. Money that I did not need to spend (as it turned out). I feel annoyed at myself about that.
Apparently, when my mum tried to curtail me, I acted aggressively. Sonia was there. I said something inappropriate to her. Immediately, I apologised by saying “sorry, that was inappropriate.” But I cannot remember what I actually said. She commented that I had a bit too much to drink. She also said something to my mum about it. Eventually, I calmed down and agree that it was time to leave. So, I do not think that I made a complete embarrassment of myself. I also did not interact with anyone virtually via WhatsApp / social media. My mum described my behaviour as "slightly erratic".
This morning, I felt delicate. Although I feel physically fine now, I still feel emotional. I cannot work out why. I think that I told my mum about the heaven nightclub fiasco with CW, Hafyz, Megan and Yasmin. And then I told her about Sid.
I do not know why I was telling her about them. I guess that I do not know who to talk to.
I told my mum about being turned away from Heaven and Megan getting in. This morning, strangely, Megan messaged me saying that she had been turned away from Heaven last night. It is almost like I predicted it. I guess that I am still spooked by the whole thought cycle of encountering one of my exes in there. I said to my mum “imagine if I had come across Avi in there”.
Now, I am sat by the river in Oxford reflecting on all of this.
What might add to the irony is that Oxford is the place where I was going to visit with Avi Taler shortly before we lost contact. Perhaps I registered this at a subconscious level? RD 06/09/21
My train does not depart for another hour. But since I was not sure how long it would take me to walk across town, I arrived early at the station. I have an advance ticket at 15:10. It does not get me into London until 16:39. I chose this ticket because I wanted to take the Chiltern route rather than the GWR route. But on Friday, I put myself forward for a last minute sax gig. It was chilled Ibiza. Right up my street. I would have smashed it. The agent initially said that it would be an evening event. Probably 7-9. I asked him to let me know if it would be any earlier since my train does not get in until 16:39. Annoyingly, he came back and said that it would be 5-7. I said that I could do it if I could leave my sax and amp in the venue over the weekend as I would be passing via Islington on my way from Ilford to Oxford (via Paddington). The agent came back and withdrew the offer since the timings do not work. If I had known about it, I might have booked an earlier train. Also, my family had nothing to do in Oxford (we did not meet up with the cousins this morning). So, I ended up with a 2-hour window and no gig for the evening.
I complained to my family that I have effectively lost £145. My dad forcefully told me that family comes first and I need to be flexible.
John DJ has asked me to do a Clapham gig for free instead. I do not mind doing it but the only reason that I am is because my outfit from SHEIN arrived yesterday while I was away. And I was planning on wearing it to this unpaid gig. This is my only motivation.
I am doing too much. I am spreading myself too thinly. All around, I notice things happening outside of my control. Like Jenny cancelling the picnic on the 1st sunny Sunday that we have had in ages. Which I, personally, would not have done. If people want to have their picnic, let them have their picnic. Or people leaving the SB&GG WhatsApp group. I cannot help it much. Now, someone has just made me an admin of the LGBT+Q WhatsApp group responsible for weeding out bad numbers / spam convos. I do not mind doing it. I have a spare few minutes of my time. But what am I getting in return (apart from a slight power kick)? People are correct for questioning me on why I am doing all of this stuff. Running my various groups is a creative project. I love planting seeds and watching them grow and blossom. I enjoy organising and administrating. I like being in control.
Time to catch my train back to London Marylebone.
From: Rory Duffy
I am on the train. Why am I feeling so emotional? Is it because the summer is ending? Is it because I feel the prospect / imminence of an eternal loneliness?
It might be the alcohol. Alcohol can affect my thoughts and emotions in this way. I am experiencing anxiety and intrusive thoughts. Thoughts like I should be peacefully done away with. Like I am a bad person. I am not sure where these thoughts are coming from.
I do not know where my life is headed. I feel like I am losing a sense of things. Things are slipping away from me. Passing me by.
I know that I need to heal my broken vessel. With a creative project.
I have not bothered contacting Sanjo, too. “Let him find me” Pancho’s words echo in my head. Last night, Pancho was assaulted. He says that he is alright now and went to Heaven. To me, that does not sound like “alright”. It sounds like asking for trouble.
Which brings me back to the topic of guys. I might have mentioned to my mum that I am meeting Sid and that I am worried about the possibility that Rob might ask me about my plans for Saturday. I could always steer Rob towards Sunday if that were the case. But why am I spending a valuable Saturday evening with a complete stranger instead of spending it with Rob? Is it worth it? Or am I simply putting myself out there unnecessarily? Putting myself in psychological / emotional danger with a guy who I do not know? Well, I have been told that life involves taking risks. We cannot necessarily control or prevent those risks from happening. But we can manage those risks, i.e., our response to them. It is true that I accepted to meet Sid next Saturday after the Meet & Mingle. He may indeed postpone or cancel. The universe's way of resolving matters for me. And then I would be free to meet Rob. Sid is just one guy. At some level, they are all the same. Always after one thing. Again, a generalisation. I suppose that hearing the story about how my cousin met his wife to be brought up a lot of reflection for me. In terms of how real relationships are formed. Notwithstanding that the last time that I spent time with my cousin and his then fiancée in Oxford (2 years ago), I was plotting my demise and planning my funeral. I was quite open about it with them. Because I was hurting. I guess that the speeches brought some of these memories back. I wrote them a postcard thanking them for their kindness. I cannot remember everything that I wrote and I did not capture it in a photo. It is too late. Now, it is gone. I think that a lot of what I wrote was the alcohol imbued enthusiasm talking. I know that I did not write anything bad. But it might have been a bit over the top.
For Hafyz, it was kissing and making out. Hafyz said that we were taking things too fast. Why did he have to define what we were? All that we did was kiss. Why did all of that meaning have to be suddenly ascribed to it? Why the agonising relationship conversation? He chose to “slow down”. In the act of slowing down, our interaction ground to a halt. I have not followed up on those missed calls and messages. What would I say if Hafyz followed me up on that and demanded why? My initial thought was to tell a white lie and say that I forgot. What is the point of lying? That would go against my principle. Why not simply tell the truth? The truth is that I felt wary of becoming involved with him and emotionally entangled. I heard about how he treated both CW and Yasmin. His actions said a lot about his character. Also his incessant, convoluted phone calls. I do not trust him. I have been imagining a situation where he might message me. I message back. He calls. I phone bluff. I ask him whether we can message instead of calling? Because I am feeling vulnerable at the moment. He might not reply. Or he might take it as an insult. It might reveal my feeling that I believe him to be a danger to me. Open up a dialogue whereby he would try to convince me that he poses no threat. What is the point? Of opening up that dialogue? He possibly realises that I feel that way about him already. He possibly detects my wariness and caution. This is why he has not contacted me. What would he want to talk to me about? I cannot imagine. We were getting along fine to begin with. But he made me feel uncomfortable by placing rules on me (or on our relationship) and I had to get away from him. Maybe that was not his intention. But it was the way in which I responded to it. It was too similar to previous experiences. And I was triggered by it. His behaviour brought back difficult feelings of rejection and loneliness that I still have not properly processed.
[16:42, 26/07/2021] Rory Duffy: You friend zoned me in front of a couple of my friends and said that us two needed boundaries etc. You made it sound like I had misunderstood stuff like you staying at mine etc. And you even said we were on our 4th or 5th date. You were giving mixed signals and then you said about me being on the spectrum which is why you didn't want to upset me.
What about Sam? One word that I would use to describe him is: extreme. In his last messages, he said that he thought that we should spend a lot of time together. He seemed to be over engineering the relationship rather than letting it develop organically. This made me feel slightly disconcerted and under pressure. It did not feel right or natural. Why should we have to define who we are before it has actually happened? The toxic energy that I received from him, with the labelling, disproportionate expectations, aggression and blocking / throwaway / cancel culture, affected me. Even though I had the sense to see it for what it was. I still needed to cleanse and detoxify my vibration. Rather than immersing myself in that ephemeral energy. Sam was a troubled individual. Typical of the LGBTQ world. The token epidemic of gay loneliness. His final WhatsApp messages were macabre and disturbing.
Perhaps these (plus the energy that I received from Hafyz) have contributed to my unsettling dreams, intrusive thoughts and recent feelings of anxiety? Perhaps I have unwittingly taken their toxicity and carried it on my shoulders despite my better awareness / consciousness?
[06/07/2021, 18:59:28] Sam: <attached: 00000833-AUDIO-2021-07-06-18-59-28.opus>
[06/07/2021, 19:03:25] Sam: <attached: 00000837-AUDIO-2021-07-06-19-03-25.opus>
[06/07/2021, 19:05:37] Sam: <attached: 00000844-AUDIO-2021-07-06-19-05-37.opus>
[06/07/2021, 19:08:19] Sam: <attached: 00000847-AUDIO-2021-07-06-19-08-19.opus>
[06/07/2021, 19:26:46] Sam: <attached: 00000858-AUDIO-2021-07-06-19-26-46.opus>
[06/07/2021, 19:31:01] Sam: <attached: 00000863-AUDIO-2021-07-06-19-31-01.opus>
[06/07/2021, 19:31:13] Sam: <attached: 00000864-AUDIO-2021-07-06-19-31-13.opus>
[06/07/2021, 19:34:44] Sam: <attached: 00000869-AUDIO-2021-07-06-19-34-44.opus>
[08/07/2021, 21:44:00] Rory Duffy: Hi Sam, I can’t date you right now. Thank you for your message. Stay safe. X
What am I afraid of? I am thinking about what I said to Victoria on 31/05/2019. I am afraid of growing old. I feel troubled by all of the turbulence and shifting truths / alliances, all of the changes in life. I cannot stop the change. I am afraid of what might happen to me. I am afraid of losing my youth. Mary observed that I am not a happy person. Perhaps many guys in their thirties go through similar issues as I do? And some simply manage them better than others? I feel like a deeply unsettled person. I desperately want to be happy but I do not know what that means. No one can teach me happiness. I can only teach myself. No one can necessarily help me. Unless I help myself. But I do not know where to start. What do I want in life? Where do I see my life going? Avi Taler said that there is a reason why I am here to begin with. I don’t know what that reason is, if it is not for him.
[12/01/2020, 12:26:07] Avi:
On the other hand, I might simply be experiencing an emotional anti-climax - an extreme case of post-wedding blues. That, plus the alcohol, is possibly attributable to my emotional and mental state.
All day, I have been feeling like an emotional wreck. I think that it is the effect that wine has on me. It brings out my emotions. Also, I must remember that if I am more used to drinking lager than wine and if wine is 3x stronger, I am likely to consume too much alcohol when I am drinking wine compared to drinking lagers. I have noticed that the last 3x drinking wine (G-A-Y 24th July, Clapham bar crawl 7th August and wedding 4th September), I have made myself ill. Both physically and emotionally. There is a clear pattern.
Did I act aggressively when my mum tried to take the poison away from me? Have I developed an alcohol problem? I am trying to get back to myself.
[30/03/2019, 14:59:27] Avi: I'm trying to get back to myself
Rory spent the first few years of his life in an ice cave, carving out his palace of wonder. He's a bit of a love doll, but he who melts the ice shall have his reward.
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I have been recommended to acknowledge and process all that I have been though, where it all started from how it has affected me.