Sam sounds unwell. I have advised him to rest and take his time. It is important to not rush if he is not feeling himself. He has expressed that he really likes me. I have reminded him: he knows that I like him, too.
Sometimes, our thoughts and feelings affect how we act around other people. If I am not in a mood to speak with anyone, I delay it (this can be anyone: friends, family, colleagues etc.). Otherwise, I feel like I am passing on my negative energy. Instead, I retreat into my shell and find an alternative outlet.
Are we still on for our date? Yes, of course. When is he thinking? I could do tomorrow, Thursday or Friday anytime after 4pm. Saturday is a bit up in the air as there is a gig that I am possibly getting out of, it is complicated, I will explain what has been happening. All works good to him but maybe Friday is better so we do not have to worry about work the next day? But he does not mind any day. Me too. Well, Friday works for me, too.
I like to plan in advance. My initial thought was that Sam might not, but then I realised that I might be wrong. My ex-landlady Patricia taught me how important spontaneity is. Living for the moment. Sam jokingly says that I had better kiss him this time. But certain things cannot be planned. And that is OK, too. Nowadays, I tend to make plans but build in contingency / flexibility as well. That way, I am covered. It is healthy to have a bit of both.
A year ago, I set up a Facebook group called LooseEnders. It is designed to empower people to make spontaneous arrangements if their prior plans fall through. The idea is that people put what they would like to do, when, where and the optional cost, specific details. They communicate / act decisively to make quick decisions so that every time and energy pocket is allocated to its proper place and does not go to waste. But also trying to turn Loneliness on its head so instead of thinking of it as a "negative" thing, thinking of it as a "positive" window of opportunity, opening yourself up to new people, new experiences etc. Loneliness affects most people, to some degree, no matter who we are, the trouble is that it has become such a taboo, not many people talk about it enough, let alone see it as a positive thing. This group is all about trying to transform loneliness into something positive, empowering people to do something about it and make decisions without feeling shame and without judgement.
Many people do not understand the concept or might not feel comfortable posting if they find themselves at a loose end (out of pride), so it is designed to provide a 'safe' space for people to do that. And that is OK, too, because egos are important. They give us a sense of identity. Gradually, I have seen more people do it though, things are moving forwards, especially after this pandemic, many people feeling out of sync with friends or needing human contact.
Why am I telling this to Sam? Because we were talking about spontaneity, making plans etc. And I think that although it is important to talk about sex or intimacy, it should not be something planned. It should happen naturally.
Sometimes the best of plans fall through and spontaneity is needed, I am a slow processor. I find it difficult to think on my feet under time pressure. I try to implement mechanisms to help ease those situations and processes. Mindfulness helps me a lot, observing situations without judging them. Because it can be easy to lose control of thought (negative manifestation etc.).
One of the hardest lessons that I have had to learn in life is how to cope when my plans fall through. At times, I can act quite rigid and uncompromising. I have had to consciously learn spontaneity. It did not come naturally to me. LooseEnders is an idea that I came up with to help manage that process because there are others who might struggle with similar issues, like not knowing what to do or who to call. It is easier to have a "shout box", an outlet, so it works in that way. It teaches me that spontaneity is a wonderful force. Some of the best things in life are unplanned.
Sam agrees with me about spontaneity. Except for sex. For Sam, sex has to be arranged, planned and talked about in advance. We have to be prepared and ready for it. Sam cares about building a real connection with me. With a good connection, sex becomes hot and intimate. Instead of having a chat about sex, Sam senses that I might feel awkward about it or try to avoid it completely.
Sam says that hopefully on Friday, we will have a nice date. On Friday, he says that we need to agree on a date night when we are going to have sex. Because like he told me, he cares about the connection. But for him, balance is important as well. For him, waiting a long time for sex is not always good. He says that sometimes we "friend zone" each another. Not that this is going to happen. Because he definitely fancies me. And he is definitely sure that I fancy him. That is why he tells me about kissing. Kissing makes sure that the spark is there if the sex is delayed. Which he does not mind. The spark should be there. But if there is nothing i.e., "what's up man, what's up bro, what's up mate" etc. By default, we are human. Things will be friend zoned. Even though lots of guys "friend zone" each other. It does not mean that they are a "bad person" if that happens. We are human, after all. Sometimes, it is a sweet thing when two people become friends. But of course for him, that is a big "no" with me. He does not want a friendship with me. He definitely wants a relationship with me. That is where his insecurity and the importance of sex comes from. He has an insecurity in how he feels about me. He says that I am "too handsome" and that this makes him feel insecure, like he might not be "up at my level". In terms of sex, he likes receiving. But he is also open-minded. When the person becomes a boyfriend, he likes to spice it up. He likes sex. He thinks of himself as boring. For him, sex is standard, regular "machinery" style. Definitely without protection when it comes to relationship. He asks me to let him know my thoughts about sex. It is an awkward and embarrassing topic to talk about.
Sam can see that I have been typing for ten minutes. He knows that I am writing a long reply. He was expecting a simple talk or proposition. A one or two-line reply would do good. This is not helping with his anxiety.
I have thanked Sam for speaking honestly with me. I appreciate his openness. It takes a lot of trust and courage. It is rare.
I guess that I do feel awkward and embarrassed talking about sex. This is a part of my introversion. I do not mind talking about it though as it is something that I need to get to grips with and I respect how much of an important topic it is, and it is so brave and nice of you to raise it with me even though you might sense my awkwardness 😝
I feel like sex might be more important to Sam than it is for me, and that is perfectly OK. Just a neutral observation and something that we might potentially compromise on. After all, the strength of a relationship is in being able to overcome obstacles and work through these things together.
I suppose that the truth is, and, I must speak honestly with Sam, I do not consider myself "great in bed", I am not so experienced. Maybe I am better than I think and not giving myself enough credit. But I just do not want to disappoint him if my sex performance does not live up to his expectations 😅
I think that this is something important for him to know and it is only right that he should ask me about it..
I am not ready to have sex with Sam until we have met up several more times. It is important for me to build up trust first but I am aware that I am moving at a much slower pace than him... 😌
I will tell Sam some secrets. I have only ever had 3 one-night stands in my life, it is not something that I feel proud of or confident about and it is not something that I tell people about generally. But I feel comfortable telling Sam as I think that he will understand. It is not that I perceive our connection in that sense at all (it might be more than that). I mean it more as an illustration of my frigidity and how I feel less comfortable talking about sex. Although it is an important topic to discuss and I need to overcome that. Some people have said that this is a typical "British" thing, but I try not to buy into stereotypes.
This is part of my autism. I am hypersensitive, I find touch difficult, overwhelming. I feel things - emotions and sensations - extremely deeply and I find it difficult to express myself or how I am feeling. I was single for pretty much all of my 20s apart from those rare couple of experiences. Forming relationships is difficult. For me, things like communication issues, finding touch difficult, anxiety, needing control, needing predictability, struggling with ambiguity, learning how to read people and responding to non-verbal clues have been major challenges. If I am too "high maintenance" for Sam, I would understand. I would not wish for him to feel more like my "carer" than my "boyfriend"!
I wish for him to feel comfortable and that is my main priority.
I think that there is a bit of Self Subjugation happening. My main priority should be myself feeling comfortable. It sounds like I am trying to appease him for the sake of sex. 🙅♂️
I will not make that decision for him (maybe there is no decision to be made)
I would love to talk about this more as/when Sam feels comfortable, I think that it is easier in person rather than via WhatsApp 🙂
Again, Self Subjugation happening. It is nice that I am taking Sam's comfort and happiness into consideration. But there is a danger of forsaking my own comfort and happiness.
I hope that we are building something more by saying these things to one another, but at the same time, I do not want to define or label our bond before it has even had a chance to develop. Sam is right that talking about sex is important. I cannot respect that enough. I will try my best to engage with it if it is important for him - for me - to do so. But I cannot promise him the hottest performance 😉
On the other hand. I might just be the ice to his fire 🔥❄️ which is cool...
Now I am the one who seems to be labelling!
I also feel like we might have different notions of "friendships" and "relationships", not a major issue for me. Who knows, maybe we might talk about it and discover that actually we agree after all.
But Sam can rest assured that I do not intend to "friend zone" anyone because I do not see it in that way. I hope that this gives him some comfort. I might not be everything he wants me to be and we might find a way around that. But I will not let him down 💪
It is encouraging that I have said that I do not INTEND to "friend zone" (because MY intention is what matters, not how HE interprets it). This might cause a misunderstanding later on if he feels like he has been "friend zoned". If that happens, he might choose to define that as what has happened to him. I know that I am manifesting but his interpretation is something that I cannot control. And it is important to consider all possibilities. Hopefully, it will not happen. But if I cannot live up to his expectations of sex, there is no other option. He has expressed hope that it will not happen to us. But if he is doing that while imposing his own expectations on me, that is not true love. Despite what he says about not wanting to control me. It is not a type of love that allows me the freedom and the flexibility to be myself. I might pressurise myself into fitting into his mould of what he expects. Little by little, I am revealing more about myself while preparing myself for the possibility that I might not be a best fit for what he wants. There is nothing wrong with that. I am protecting myself. I am leaving our options open while acting as honestly and transparently as possible. That is the best that I can do. I cannot control the possibility that he might lose interest in me. I do not need to bring about that. Maybe responding message by message is the best way forwards. I do not need to talk about my previous relationships or my fears because this introduces the danger of manifesting them all over again. Like it says in the article ("Love Is What You Do"), true love is love without fear of rejection. There may come a point where I might feel comfortable talking to Sam about my exes. But that point is not now. Because I do not know him. And it is not guaranteed that he perceives the world in a similar way or understands where I am coming from. I am listening to the signs and signals. Like the fact that he will not read the article (to follow) and branded my reply as "stupid". Why is he even pursuing a relationship with me if he does not agree with what I am saying to him? I am not saying that we have to agree on everything. But shared values definitely does help. And I am getting the impression that although he lays claim to sharing my values, he is not acting upon them. Time will only tell.
The only other thing is that I seem to have gone back on my advice about not making promises that I might not be able to keep. In the act of saying:
It is good that we are having this conversation (early on) and I cannot thank Sam enough for broaching these topics, I would never have had the confidence.
More Self Subjugation.
Maybe it would be easier for us to have this conversation in person than via WhatsApp. It might lessen our anxieties in this way when we are sharing our space and feeling more comfortable around each other like we were on Sunday. If he is feeling up to it, I am still available this evening but if he want to meet later in the week, that is fine also.
That is me done now. Sorry for the long message.
More Self Subjugation. Why am I apologising? He has expressed that a one or two-liner will be perfectly sufficient. But has he considered that it may not be sufficient to me? In that I am conscious about not having addressed all of his concerns in sufficient depth?
Sam says that I am welcome. There are some points with which he agrees. There are other points with which he disagrees. He wants to reassure me. He describes himself as "horrible in sex" as well. When we meet up, he will explain this to me in more detail. About getting to know each other and meeting each other. That is what he said since our first date. Building a connection. But he was not thinking that we have sex in two weeks time or something. It depends how much we meet up. We will talk about it in detail. What else? He will address my messages when we meet up. Another thing which is quite important for him. He does not want to have sex. He says that this is off limits (for the moment). He describes himself as a "queen". He likes to have sex with the guy. He wants the guy to REALLY want him sexually. He wants the guy to be turned on by him. If it is a situation where "I like him, he likes me, I am going to fuck him" he will say "no thanks". He says that he likes me as a person. He hates the sentence about longing to fuck someone "if you want". No. He wants me to want him as well. Not me. He is talking in general. He swears that he did not mean anything different. He asks me to trust him. Tonight (Tuesday) is going to be tough. Tomorrow he will be free all afternoon. We can meet up tomorrow. Is that OK with me?
For him, that is a silly thing when I said that I am worried about him feeling like he is my "carer" more than my "boyfriend". This does not make sense at all.
This is what relationships are for. I take care of him. He takes care of me.
It is interesting to note the order in which he has worded it.
I tolerate his burden. He tolerates mine. I share with him. He shares with me. He definitely looks at me like his boyfriend. He is sure that I do the same to him.
All good. No worries. Yes, I can meet him tomorrow, anytime after 4. Slight chance I will be in the office (Angel) but most likely that I will be at home in Vauxhall during the day until 4. I am glad to know that we are seem like we are on the same page. And the other things we can talk through when we meet.
It sounds like I want to get him off WhatsApp as quickly as possible! My inner defence mechanism seems to be kicking in subconsciously.
I have asked Sam how his mood is now. I want to check as he said that he felt depressed earlier.
This is something that Rob used to ask me when we started dating. The irony is that I have possibly triggered Sam. And that his attachment is the reason why he cannot see me.
Sam still feels depressed. But he will be better.
Let's stay inside 'til the city has dried all its tears away 🌧️🌂☔☂️🌈
"There is a dark cloud covering the great sun you are. After it lifts, he will be shining" 🌦️⛅🌤️☀️
This is something that Rob sent me. I am passing it on.
He will be ⭐
Sam says that I am bringing tears to his eyes. But he will be better. Only a matter of time. I feel like I am doing something right by helping him to feel better, at least.
How is Sam feeling? He gaslights the question. He has only asked me whether we are meeting up tomorrow, Thursday or Friday to have a date. He is keen. He is looking forward to it, which is nice. But he supports the idea and highly encourages the thought of him and me meeting VERY often. But, from my side... Am I not worried about hanging out too much with him? Am I not worried that I might accidentally fall in love with him?
I think that there is a danger of us deciding how often we meet before we actually meet, placing rules and unnecessary expectations on ourselves. Of course, like him, I am feeling insecure about falling in love. Who are we to judge? I reckon that we should just meet each other and see how we feel rather than trying to predict or fortune tell.
Sam did not understand what I mean. That I feel insecure about falling in love. Do I mean that I cannot fall in love in general? Did I mean this? And I feel insecure about that? Can I explain what I mean? About feeling insecure of falling in love? He did not understand.
I can fall in love, and when I do, I fall head over heels. Love is an unpredictable force.
Love is not what you say. Love is what you do.
No of course not, I am aware of that danger. Sometimes, fear prevents us from the things that we need the most, that is something that I have learned, too.
This is something that I learned from the article ("Love Is What You Do"). It is almost time to share it with him (if he is willing to listen).
When I said "I reckon that we should meet each other and see how we feel rather than trying to predict or fortune tell", Sam points out that this is not what he asked. OK, I understand.
He is listening, but he is not hearing.
Sam thinks that we should meet up VERY often if I am up for that. He likes me a lot. Even though he felt a bit "shot down" by my opinions about sex. But it is fine. He is sure that I did not mean it in that way.
This is classic projection. He seems to have projected his ideal conception of a man onto me. Denying what I am telling him on the assertion that I do not mean it. It is like he is almost trying to manipulate me. But I do not need to allow this to happen. I meant what I said before. There is no doubt about that. Alternatively, there might be another language barrier / misunderstanding. Where I think that he might be trying to manipulate me. But what he meant was that I did not mean it in a harsh way (rather than what it is that I said). However, as proven to myself multiple times before, there is no point speculating what someone else might be thinking. All that I can be certain of is that I spoke as honestly and as transparently as I could without "bombing my offer" (manifesting, or acting over-pessimistic).
That is OK. Maybe it is easier to talk about in person. Rather than via WhatsApp. So that we understand where each other is coming from.
This is hugely positive. It shows that I have recognised the possible misunderstandings that occur via messaging as opposed to meeting in person.
Can I send Sam something to read? No worries if it is not of interest. I do not want to pressurise him.
Again, it is encouraging to see that I am giving him the choice without worrying about the outcome one way or the other. The strongest relationships are those in which both people empower one another. Give one another that space, choice and freedom. Without feeling jealous, territorial or insecure.
To read about me? Something that is about us that is related to me? Or, to us? Yes, of course. By the way, did I invest in reading about sex without condoms?
I have not read yet, no. I will try to, soon. It is an article about love that helped me.
Sam sends me an ambiguous response, which sounds like a "no".
He says no worries about sending him the article. If I want him to read it, of course, if it is important to me. With no doubt. But he is extremely in touch with his feeling and how he feels and about love. And he loves "love" so much. In general. Not even with a boyfriend. He loves "love" between friends, for example. Generally, he loves his friends and the people around him. He is not scared of love. If anything, he should write articles about love!
Will the ironies never cease? If we apply the rule of Reverse Psychology, he is scared of love and he should not write articles about love! The article talks about true love being a form of love without fear of rejection. This is the difference between love and infatuation. I am listening to his actions. His decision to not read it unless I want him to suggests both 1) he DOES have a fear of love and 2) there is a condition of me wanting him to read it without him doing so willingly / autonomously. Which suggests, by extension, that he will only read it if I force it upon him. In doing so, this would not be encouraging true love in which I am enabling him to make that choice (whether or not to read it) for himself. I cannot impose it upon him. I can guide. But I cannot direct.
Speaking about sex. When I said before that I might be insecure about not being good at sex. Sam would like to tell me something. If I see him in sex. I will feel secure. If I think that I might not be good in sex, he thinks that he is even worse. He describes himself as boring. He says something ambiguous about some percentages in sex that do not add up (90% and 80%) and about honesty and what he hopes to achieve in terms of his credibility. He talks about the making out process (the kissing, hugging and cuddling). The contact. Mainly the kissing, the licking and the nakedness. For him, that is sex. After that is 20%. And even the fucking, he describes himself as "vanilla" in sex. Unless the guy wants to do something else. He is open-minded. But usually, his sex is "basic". Like you see in straight movies. He imagines himself lying on his back. And the guy "machete" style. Cumming at him. He is not a big fan of taking too long. Whatever he feels. This is the truth about sex.
This pretty much sums it all up. Sam cannot hide the fact that he might have an obsession with sex. It confirms that he is afraid of love (which he sees as an attachment). The fact that he has declined reading the article cements this possibility further. I have already told him about my autism and the fact that I find touch and sensation challenging. He seems to have ignored this in his graphic description. Which suggests that he would not be loving me for me (for who I am).
What did I mean when I said that our bond is "more than that" [a one-night stand[? I meant that it is a bond in which we might possibly learn something from one another. Even if what we learn, we learn that we do not like.
OK, I understand. I may not be what Sam is looking for. But we can talk about it when we meet.
At this point, I have slammed down the breaks. But not in a way that shuts off communication completely. I am practising to assert myself whilst continuing with an open dialogue. I am willing to talk about it. But I am not willing to engage in sex unless I feel 100% comfortable.
Yes we will talk about it.
Let him be clear with me. He is not going to have sex with me unless I really want to. If I really want to then yes, we will have sex. But if I do not really want to then honestly, forget about it.
He has basically laid out the road map for how this relationship is going to work.
That sounds great.
He has given me the option.
He asks me if he turns me on? Am I turned on by him? We can discover those things as we go along. Sam does not understand. I tell him that I mean "rather than trying to decide how we feel in advance".
Laughs. That is the stupidest reply that he has ever heard in his life.
Let us talk in person.
Assertive - I like it!
Sam says "of course". Expletives. He feels a bit sad. He misses me. When was the last time that we saw one another? Barely 48 hours ago. All that I can say in response is that I miss him, too. Which is true (in the sense that I enjoyed his company on Sunday). I have asked him to relax. I have assured him that we will see each other soon.
Sam says he cannot relax. He really cannot. How can he relax with him missing me? He knows that we will see each other soon but until then, he keeps missing me all the time. I understand, it is hard when you feel strongly about another person, I have been there before! I have assured Sam that he will be fine! He can do this! 😊 💪
Sam says "no comment".
Sam says that when he saw me on Sunday, it was good to see me a hundred percent, a million percent. Although it did not help the missing part. Because all the time, he wanted to hug me and kiss me. He describes it as torturing.
Sam is describing his "love" for me as if it is a problem. This is not real love. When it becomes a fearful attachment, it turns into infatuation. All the more reason for him to read the article!
All that I could say was "Awww ☺️ bless you darling Sam 🙏"
I feel like I am getting sucked in by Sam. I am journalling, which is helping me keep myself in check. I have started to notice patterns again, like the Self Subjugation (the desire to appease others without consideration for myself). I know that it is important to make some compromises in any relationship - friendship or otherwise, and that is what I am trying to do in the most positive way.
It seems that Sam & I have different notions of what constitutes a friendship or a relationship.
Sam has developed an attachment to me, and I fear that it is not a healthy one. He seems to have me on a pedestal. I think that he has possibly projected everything that he wants in a man onto me before getting to properly know me as a person. I have warned him about the danger of defining / labelling our bond before letting it grow naturally. I have expressed my reservations about rushing. I do like him and I feel attracted to him. I want to get to know him and for him to know me. I could be his worst nightmare (hopefully not). Without rushing. Or judging a situation before it has happened. I am trying to act as honestly and transparently with him as possible - like posing the possibility that I might not be what he is looking for - but without manifesting that into a reality.
I wanted to send him the "Love Is What You Do" article but he has declined. I did not send it to him because I did not wish to impose it on him
It is probably a good idea that I have not. He might take it personally. He might not be ready to read it. That is OK. He has lived a different life from me. He has had different experiences. Why would he be open and receptive to an article that advocates the exact opposite behaviour that he is exhibiting?
Repeatedly, I have said that we should not be having these heavy love / sex chats via WhatsApp and that it would be better to do in person.
Now, he is messaging me saying that he misses me (we have only met 2x). Alarm bells are ringing. I remember Avi Taler expressed his feelings just as strongly 2 years ago. Where is he now? I am just trying not to get hurt again. Without hurting him.
I guess all that I can do is:
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.
i.e., take Sam's messages one-by-one at face value.
He might lash out at me again. Let him show his true colours.
Support him through his Love Hangover as much as I feel capable. I want us to know each other but I fear that he is pressurising me into making a decision about him. His insecurities are making me lose interest, fast, which is not what I want to happen. These are just my thoughts at the moment.
A similar dynamic happened with Avi Taler (2 years ago). I ended up falling for him big time, the dynamic totally switched when I uttered the words "I love you". It was like he had me on a thread and casually chopped the thread when he felt like it (attributing the rushing to me). I am trying to avoid putting myself in that position again.
I have told Sam a bit about my autism, which is positive, I have explained what the characteristics are and I am trying to be careful revealing little by little about me and not too much all at once. My main concern is not letting all of my values and reason succumb themselves to him for the sake of his appeasement. I know that I want to fall in love so badly. But it has to be with the right person. Although Sam's words are expressing what I want to hear, I am listening carefully to his actions and they are presenting me with a different picture.
Rory spent the first few years of his life in an ice cave, carving out his palace of wonder. He's a bit of a love doll, but he who melts the ice shall have his reward.
332 Brixton Road
Samaritans, 24 hours, on 116123 or email:
I have been recommended to acknowledge and process all that I have been though, where it all started from how it has affected me.