The guy who I was talking to described me as "sad and vulnerable". He observed that I do not love myself. Zakir, the guy from Cock the Tavern? Yes. Well, I wonder if he loves himself. He says that I seem "lost, without purpose or direction". He says that he wants to help me. But I listen to people's actions, not their words. And he says that I need a new hobby. I must be vigilant. It felt like he was hitting on me. I did not mind, of course, but it was a bit intense. I did not feel attracted to him. Well, he should have shared his life purpose with me. True. He says that I need to talk with someone on a regular basis.
It is true that lately, I have been feeling lost, without purpose or direction. I am pretty good at knowing what I want. And what triggers me. Outwardly, I seem driven and focused. But maybe that is because I put my energies into looking in the wrong places? It felt quite moving to hear that insight of me being "lost, without purpose or direction" from a complete stranger.
I talked to Zakir about my hang-ups with clothes. On Sunday, I went out to breakfast with Rob. I spent 5 minutes trying to decide which bag to bring and another 5 minutes trying to decide which buff (bandana) to wear. And then several minutes debating over which pair of sunglasses (even though the sun had not come out yet) and whether or not I should put on my earrings. We were just going for breakfast! Who cares? Although I recognise that no-one cares what I am wearing, it is important to me in terms of my self-perception. My clothes and accessories are my identity. They are an extension of my personality. They are an important part of who I am and how I perceive myself. And how I perceive myself is more important than how others perceive me. Rob is different in his dress style. His is more toned down and minimalist. I have a pair of Inaayayi joggers that I ordered from China that I ordered in Asian size (L) and are way too big. Fortunately the seller sent me the smaller size (S) at no extra cost. I have tried to flog the size L on Vinted but not managed to. Since I did not get Rob a birthday present, I offered him the joggers. He said that they were too "loud" for him. Although he likes me, he does not like me for my clothes. He likes me because he respects my colourful style and the way in which I feel about myself.
I showed Zakir a couple of other OCD traits that I have such as the fitness watch / VeryFitPro / MyFitnessPal calorie and nutrient tracking. The colour-coded ring binders where the colour logic matches the colour-coding of my band costumes. Even my socks are co-ordinated with whatever I am wearing. On blogs, I justify my text. When I was at school, I used to justify my handwriting! My mind is extremely structured and compartmentalised. Most people find it tiring. My thought processes are detailed, methodical, convoluted and drawn out. They cannot cope with it.
I explained that I am ASD. Zakir asked if I had considered the possibility that I have ADHD. This seemed like an odd question, since no-one has asked it to me before. His rationale for asking was that I seemed to be distracted all of the time. He asked me if I find it difficult to concentrate. Well, he got that wrong. Quite the opposite! I am shuttered. I can only concentrate on only one thing at a time. I eat the same meals, breakfast, lunch and dinner, every day of the week. Monday-Thursday is porridge for breakfast. Friday-Sunday is eggs on toast for breakfast. I have omelette lunches on my porridge days. And on the weekends, I have Linda McCartney sausages, half a tin of baked beans and instant mash. Every week. For my dinner, I will make a big pot, divide up my calories and freeze it in plastic tubs. In comparison to my dress sense, my eating and drinking habits are surprisingly bland and regimented. I do not consider myself a great cook. In 2018, I made a food blog, which you can view here. But I made the conscious choice not to continue it beyond 2018, since the screen shooting, editing and publishing takes time. Anyway, the food blog was part of my previous recovery plan from my 1st stint on anti-depressants. Although it helped me to look and feel better physically, did not really address what was going on mentally and emotionally. It was only in 2019 that I started this journal to help me regulate myself in those aspects.
Self control and regulation are important to me. The reason why I was crying on Wednesday was because I felt compromised and pushed into a state of mind where I felt out of control. Someone (Lily) overstepped my boundaries. Took advantage of me. Maybe I overstepped her boundaries by using her as a pawn on Meetup. Using a digital platform to make it look like she was scheduling in those events. Karma. Payback. We ended up hurting one another. I would not be surprised if she had been crying over the weekend. Like I assured Jenny, I would take the consequences for my actions. I certainly did. On Tuesday night, I sat there petrified, watching the whole conversation unfold in a WhatsApp group of 217 people. A conversation about me. Rather than respond instantly, I set myself a rule to withhold myself until I felt comfortable and ready to respond. One of the lesbians who knows me observed this and made it known to everyone.
[21:10, 03/08/2021] CW: @Rory Duffy is a nice guy. He doesn't always respond quickly because he likes to take time to respond to messages correctly. He probably isn't ignoring you
Patiently and resolutely, I set myself a rule to not respond until the following morning. However, I had already made Lily a co-organiser of the Meetup page on which I set up the group. She took advantage of my trust. I ought not to have been surprised. She took advantage of Jenny's trust by posting screenshots of the organisers chat onto the main group chat. She logged into the Meetup page, changed the branding back to how it was previously, moved the events and attendees over to her new page, even messaged the 2000+ members on my mailing list signposting them to her new page and posted the links on the WhatsApp group. Before I had the chance to respond. I was not expecting her to do that. It completely caught me off guard. It triggered me into betraying my own rules about not responding straight away. Betraying a part of myself. It forced me into a place where I felt out of control and out of my comfort zone. I felt the need to respond instantaneously. I had a message drafted for the following morning. Her actions provoked me into reacting impulsively. I reverted the branding, rescheduled in the event listings and posted the following message on the WhatsApp group.
Through this provocation, I felt like I had revealed more about myself in my actions than my words. This notion challenged the core of my thinking. It dented my confidence. It took my mind into a place where I was not intending for it to go. The reason why I was crying was because I felt like I had been pushed into losing control for a moment. I found myself in an environment where my trust was taken advantage of and that if I did not respond immediately, people would judge, make accusations about me and automatically think the worst of me. Lily did not give me time or space. This was the ultimate problem. Everything that happened that night was out of my control. All that I could do was sit and watch helplessly as I was first removed as an admin and second removed from the group entirely. I have never felt so powerless in my whole life. To be degraded like that in front of 217 people on a WhatsApp group.
It was no wonder that I felt suicidal on Wednesday. I felt like my actions had turned inwards on me, destroyed trust in me and that I would never recover from it.
It is true that I do feel lost, without purpose or direction. I do need a new hobby. I am conscious that I have been putting so much time, energy, thought and emotion into projects and people who do not value me. But l look back at my other projects e.g., Red & Black Music and Diáspora. Even though I have not pursued those projects for over a year, I still feel tired and exhausted. From having to manage musicians. From having to work out non-pressurising messages in the hope that this might convince them to do my recording project (he says bending over backwards). It is draining. In the past, I resorted to send standard messages all of the time to help me preserve my energy. Until people said that I was cold and impersonal. That it was supposed to be a band. Not a bank job. This has changed my relationship with music. Maybe this is the complex that I need to work on. In my head, music and managing people has become inextricable. I no longer have the confidence to sit down at the piano and play without judging myself or wondering whether or not it is worth it. I can listen to music and enjoy it but I cannot replicate or sustain that pleasure without agonising over how to overcome the obstacle of people and conflicting interests. Such is my relationship with music. Maybe this is a relationship that I need to heal. Because music should be an important part of me and who I am. Yet I feel like I cannot engage with it anymore because I am constantly thinking about other people. How they might respond. How invested they might be. Whether or not they would be down for recording or performing with me despite their honourable assurances that they will. Whether I listen or play for pleasure, my mind drifts into these anxiety-provoking thought cycles.
Thus, I have put my energies into other projects. The Meetup groups. I have come up against the same problem. Dealing with people. Managing people. Navigating their hidden agendas. Conflicts of interest. My school psych assessments always said that I was not good at working with others. Fair enough. Yet in this instance, I tried to work with Lily and the others. And I felt like my attempts were foiled. Maybe the tone of that message sent last Saturday was not quite right. A little too commanding and authoritative.
[18:37, 31/07/2021] Rory Duffy:
I took this approach because I felt like they had not respected Jenny. Someone needed to step up and show strength, leadership and decisiveness. This is the way that things are going to be. Since no-one else was doing that, I thought that this was the right thing to do! The other 4 admins seemed out of control. I did not wish to control them. But I felt that by emanating self-control in my words, I could inspire control and empowerment in them. Instilling trust while laying down the ground rules. Maybe this is not what they needed? I was not to know. They did not keep in the loop, despite me being still listed as an "admin". They came to their own conclusions. Without my input.
People constantly tell me that I am too kind and that I need to "grow some balls" or "show some spine". This was me attempting to do that. Jenny came onto the chat afterwards and testified that I am a "nice guy" and a "people pleaser". Maybe this helped others to understand the motives behind my words and actions.
[15:38, 04/08/2021] Jenny: Rory didn't steal anything. He's the kind of guy who wants to please everyone and doesn't like feuds or disagreements (read 'nice guy, people please').
Despite nailing it on Saturday evening, I took the repercussions for it on Tuesday night. It was humiliating enough being removed as an admin in front of all those people. Even more humiliating being kicked off the group entirely. I think that people recognised this. They branded it as "bullying". Despite the support that I have received, the experience has put a huge dent in my confidence. Once again, I have retreated into my shell. I have reverted to my meek, docile, doormat self. Until the next person comes along and tells me that I need to step up and "grab the bull by the horns". And the whole cycle starts all over again.
Why do I feel lost, without a sense of purpose or direction? Because the relationship that I have with myself is not one of self compassion or self love. I have tried to work on it. But I always seem to break whatever I touch since I am broken inside. Whatever project or direction I choose to take, something inside of me manifests and destroys whatever it is that I am trying to create or support. I do not know if this is a subconscious process. Zakir observed that I do not love myself. He said that I am outwardly confident, articulate and transparent, like an open book. But I lack Self Esteem. He could not understand why. I need to have more confidence in myself. He said that I am handsome, intelligent, talented and kind. He said that I have everything going for me. Why do I have such a low opinion of myself? I cannot remember ever saying to him that I did. It was something that he "read" through my words and body language. He said that I seemed unhappy in my demeanour. I explained to him that yesterday, I had been practically planning my own funeral. He recoiled at that and frowned. Maybe he was catching the end vibes of me coming out of that dip? Maybe I have repaired my mental state to some extent but physically and emotionally, I am still worn out from it? It is ironic that I wrote on Tuesday how I had never felt more confident ever before in my life and that same night, I experienced a knock to my confidence; a fall from a great height. It is true that I took a massive risk on Saturday. I took my confidence outside of its usual comfort zone. And I put myself in a vulnerable position through the act of doing so.
A memory sticks out. When I was at university, I spent Valentine's night drinking myself into an emotional wreck while listening to the James Blunt "Back To Bedlam" album. When the irony occurred of my loved up housemate returned with her loved up partner, I took off into the night and went to a house party. When I was at the house party, I tried to escape by climbing over the garden fence. Mary brought me into the house and put me in her bed. Her words were "I have always thought of you as a happy person, Rory, But you are not happy, really, are you?"
On the surface, I seem to be motivated, driven and incredibly organised. Decisive, career minded, planning ahead and sure of what I want. But deep down, am I really? Is this nothing more than a façade? Do I distract myself through my administration? Like many people, I long to be loved, valued and appreciated. And although there are probably several people who love, value and appreciate me, I do not seem to be allowing myself to see this. It is like there is a glass shell preventing any of that love from reaching me. I am so afraid of getting hurt. LV observed that my fear is in suffering and my suffering is in fear. I live my fear.
[23:04, 21/10/2019] LV: You need to live, Rory
Where did this originate? Why is it that my care coordinator sat me down in that room with my mum and asked me to write down 10 things that I like about myself, and how much I struggled? My mum kept making suggestions and I kept batting them back at her.
Read More: 28/10/2019
Whenever something goes wrong, I turn the blame and anguish inwards on myself. I want to find out how this process began. At work, I have a MH Champion. But I feel shy because I keep sending her long messages and she does not reply. Maybe I need more substantial care?
I put my happiness in external sources. Whether it is clothes or men. I invest my energies in my fixations on those things. People often misinterpret me. They say that I need to focus on myself more. Which I do agree with. But life is a reflective surface. Sometimes, in order to focus on ourselves, we need to focus on the responses that we have to the stimuli in our environments. Which is why I fixate on guys and drafting perfect messages to them. Or performing complicated manoeuvres with online shops, coupons, points and discount sales. I have a high attention to detail. I am hyper-sensitive. Some people do not understand that and they think that I am harming myself through my hyper-awareness and sensitivity to detail. They do not understand that it is not the guy who I am working on. It is myself. What am I going to say next time that I am in a similar situation with another guy? What am I going to do to ensure that I am getting what I want out of a relationship? These are the bigger questions that I am trying to address by working on these messages and interactions at a microcosmic level. The bigger questions are important. But it is impossible to work on them without breaking them down into granular particles (for me anyway). Is this taken to mean that I put all of my happiness into external sources? When I came out of hospital in April 2019, my family and friends were advising me to do little things to make me feel good. Find somewhere nice to live. By myself some nice summer clothes. Join Meetup. This is what I have been encouraged to do to make small enhancements to my life and make me feel happy. Maybe the mistake is that I have let those things dominate my life. Should I give up my material possessions and live a hermit life, one of more mental clarity, emotional stability and peace? Should I concentrate on helping others who are less fortunate than myself? Rather than my self-serving needs and interests? Would this be for the right reasons? People always tell me that I need to take care of myself. But how can I take care of myself if I am not taking care of others around me? It is a two-way process. If I live selfishly, is this not going to alienate me and jeopardise my relationships with others? My dad misunderstands me. He always catches me on the opposite side of whichever sine wave of mental discourse that I happen to be on. Like in June, for example, after my cousin's wedding picnic, I felt anxious about not knowing what to say to people because I did not know what questions to ask. To which my dad responded "it is important to ask people about themselves rather than only taking about yourself". This is what I was thinking anyway!!! Why did he feel the need to patronise me into thinking that I was not? Within the context of people telling me that I need to take care of myself and take back my life? It is confusing and contradictory.
Zakir says that I am "too much" of a relativist. In our conversation about ASD and ADHD, he was asking me if I was assessed. I confirmed yes. He asked me if I was diagnosed. I told him that I was assessed and that I have a clinical report. This is enough for me! He asked me again if the doctors qualified me for the diagnosis. I shot back "with all due respect, that is a personal question". Yes, I feel comfortable to have it in my journal, published openly. But I felt less comfortable having the question put to me by a stranger. I only tell those who I know and trust about my journal - this is key! I might have come across a little abrupt and over-assertive. My depression is part of who I am and I feel confident enough to talk about it openly. Maybe less so with my autism assessment (due to the way in which people interpret it). Immediately, the stranger backtracked and apologised. I clarified that I did not mind him asking. But that it was my choice of whether or not I choose to answer. And that I would not allow myself to feel pressurised by him. That said, I did feel the need to explain myself a little more. I used to say "I have autism". But now, I cannot be bothered. I simply say "I am autistic". Because people might not question otherwise. What is the whole point of having that lengthy conversation about my clinical report when people might not remember or care? By this point, Zakir seemed to twig that I had not qualified for the diagnosis. My response was, "if that is what you believe, you must believe it". We define our realities through what we believe. Seeing is not believing. Believing is seeing. Zakir cited that clinical reports are empirical. I responded by highlighting that clinical criteria evolves. It is not set in stone. It is not written in the stars. Zakir said that I am "too much of a relativist". My response was "on which spectrum"? Why would it be "too much". He said that it makes it difficult for me to articulate myself in a social context if there is no common ground. And we are back to labels. In recent months, I have been thinking a lot about labels and how we identify ourselves. I do not think that labels are completely wrong or bad. We must become masters of them and not slaves to them. They must be means to ends rather than ends in themselves. We can define ourselves through labels but we must not let labels define who we are. It is a paradox. I explained that I am a Ravenclaw. Harry Potter house. What is it about Ravenclaw that I identify with? We are outspoken. We are not afraid to be different. We fall just outside the box labelled "other". We think outside the box. We march to our own beat. We are individuals in every sense of the word.
I told him that I had studied existentialism. At school, I had read Kierkegaard and Sartre. We are the sum total of our actions, our reactions. We are the products of our experience. This is a philosophy that I buy into completely. We cannot simply "be" something that is "out there". We are gelatinous beings that absorb life through osmosis. Like chameleons, we evolve, morph and adapt to the environments (people, places and situations) that we find ourselves in. Zakir suggested that someone who might class themselves as "disabled" might not be "disabled" in clinical terms. My response was "so be it". In the eyes of other people and society. But does that matter? Is the most important factor not how we see ourselves? We are islands. We are on our own individual journeys through life. There is no true collective spirit. We are born alone. We die alone. Everything else in life simply comes and goes. Life happens. People come in and out of our lives and change it in some way. My response to someone who perceives themselves as disabled is to show compassion for their thoughts. Who are we to judge? We cannot see what is going on inside someone else's head. We do not know their life story. What they have been through. What they have experienced. I keep thinking of what happened with CL the other day and how one of the admins advised everyone to "avoid" her for their own safety. And how the admins advocated a "safe space" for the queer circuit through their toxic positivity and lack of integrity. Creating an environment that felt unsafe. One that ostracises people on the basis of what they believe. That is not a nice way to treat people. It is divisive and uncaring. It ironically goes against my whole notion of "queer". And against the "inclusive" nature on which they portray themselves and their group (see their Instagram: "Community ran inclusive LGBT+ meet up"). How can they call themselves "queer" and "inclusive" when they exclude people on the basis of social norms? Zakir told me about a man who underwent racial transition. He was born white and caucasian. But inside, he was Asian. My response to the transition was that this was something "beautiful and brilliant". The world needs more people who are individual and unique. How many people can say that they have been through a racial transition? It is an amazing story. It is unusual and different. It makes us question ourselves. It raises questions. To me, this is true progression.
I am working on myself. Lately, I have felt on my own in that. I am not receiving enough support. I have been concentrating my energies on helping other people, like Jenny. Because I have been in a similar position to her and I know how hard it feels. Empathy. That is a nice quality. Maybe I am giving too much to other people and not taking back enough for myself? Life is a confusing, complex and convoluted mirror maze of two-way projections. I told Zakir about Avi Taler. How our relationship seemed to break down in this complicated two-way projection. I told him that I loved him. He might not have been ready to hear that. Because (as suggested by a stranger at a Meetup on 07/12/2019 who did not know Avi Taler): he might not have loved himself. But in the act of telling him that I loved him, that, too, might have been evidence that I do not love myself. Because I find myself fixated on men who I am attracted to yet do not provide what I need emotionally or mentally? I told Avi Taler that I wanted to make him happy. His response was true. In order to make him happy, I must first make myself happy. It touched a nerve. The hardest challenge was hearing these words come from the one person who I wanted to make happy. Who ironically was happy with or without me.
I joined Meetup to find another Avi Taler! If he comes back, I might interpret this as the Universe wanting me to work on my relationship with him. 01/10/21
I do not buy into the "it is not you, it is the other person" philosophy. This is akin to playground bullying: "you started it. No, you started it!" It is not that simple. Projection (like that mirror maze) works in multiple directions. We cannot always control what happens to us. But we can control our responses to it. I keep repeating this mantra to myself. Yes, I might have thought that Avi Taler "played me" or "led me on". But I only think that he did because I allowed myself to be "played" and "led on" by him.
[12/01/2020, 12:26:07] Avi: I never meant to trick you, to play you, there was no plan or agenda or secret motives.
I cannot entirely blame Avi Taler. I was in a weak place. I was not fully in control of myself. I let myself become carried away. I had strong feelings for him. But they were feelings that sent me off balance. This is why I tried to take my life 3x that year. I was not able to master myself. I felt like all of these circumstances were happening to me for a specific reason (out of my control) and that I was being tested by external forces. Now I realise that this was a projection of my inner self onto the outer world. Avi Taler was worried about hurting me to the extent that he ended up hurting me. I was worried about get hurt to the extent that I allowed myself to get hurt by him. Both of us were in this love cycle where we were driven by our fears. At the time, I tried to change that. By drafting him a letter. A letter that I never sent. People told me to concentrate on myself. Sending that letter might have helped me to concentrate on myself. But I did not let myself realise this at the time due to the advice that was given to me by the people surrounding me. And in the end, Avi Taler wondered why I never enquired to him for answers and why I left it 7 months to attain closure. He had a point.
The way I'm understanding things (correct me if I'm wrong) is you're afraid of hurting me and I'm afraid of being hurt.
[12/01/2020, 12:26:07] Avi: I think it would be unfair on my behalf to put myself on your spot or judging you because there are probably many things I don't know, but I must say I can relate to the bad feeling you have had when you were waiting to hear from me and didn't, and blamed yourself for blowing it all up. I would suffer too, and I might have the thought of hurting myself as well, but I wouldn't help my urge to write the other person back and inquire for answers. What did stop you? What were you afraid of? Did you really think I'd be that rude that I'd ignore you or not respect your position and my obligation to clarify myself or explain? Why did you have to wait for 9 months to demand this closure? Was it worth it? All those moments were you giving up on your life, would they be worth it?
I am told that self compassion is a positive method. That we are part of a human race and share common human experience of pain and suffering. Self compassion is important. But it needs to be taught and learned. This is the paradox. No-one can teach it to you, but yourself. But you find yourself through other people and experiences (chameleon effect described above). And your responses teach you something about yourself in terms of where you find yourself in those experiences. And how you cultivate love, happiness and self compassion. Maybe it is not something taught and only something learned. I do not know. Just thinking out loud!
I need a lie in. I have had too many late nights stressing about stuff that is not important. I will turn off my alarm. I am out a lot. Only tonight. Last night, I met with Megan. We had a pizza and a chat. Megan is depressed. She is giving up on life. Did I manage to talk her around? Not really. I tried. I have been feeling the same this week. So, it is hard to do anything else but relate. At least she had company for that one evening.
I should not do anything silly. I am not going to yet. In 6 years. What is in 6 years? When I am 40. Then it will happen. It is nothing to be afraid of.
I have been triggered. I will come around in the morning. It has been several mornings. I understand why this has come about. Why? Lack of trust. In who? Myself. To do what? To do the right thing.
Rob says that I do. My heart is clean. I am one of the nicest people that he has known. That is why I worry. I feel so bad about what happened. With the M&M. But I feel worse that I tried to do something, but timed it wrong. 😑
Rob says that is why I am a lovely person. This shows why.
I tried to do the right thing for Jenny. In a way that would not alienate me. My timing sucked. I worry that I have done something wrong.
Rob thinks that I should cancel Sunday. Take a break from it. It shows that I have a high moral compass. I am sensitive. And that is a nice quality.
I am not cancelling Sunday. It means a lot to me. Saturday, I wish that I could be there. Could be where? Little Ku.
Jenny has made an £800 loss off her Meetup group. The other "admins" are spreading hurtful allegations against her. It is toxic and upsetting. Well, there is no action going on in the WhatsApp group. I was going to ask Rob a favour. If he could export the chat. And email it to me. It is my OCD. I want to see everything. It is OK if it is too much to ask. Do I think that is a good idea? I want to see everything that is said about me and about Jenny. Yesterday, I messaged Lily. She has not yet replied. But I said pretty much all that I needed to say.
Just leave it. Let it go. I wish that I could. I should not get involved in it. Do people hate me? No. What is the general atmosphere? It is quiet. And, so far, the chat has been nice. I tried to boss them. But it did not work. I nailed it last Saturday. But the only thing that did not work was Tuesday. I left it too long. And they took advantage of my pause. What happened on Tuesday? The WhatsApp takedown. This shows that I care about the group so much. It was the biggest humiliation of my life. I have never felt so powerless. From admin to general member to kicked. It happened too quickly. Quicker than I could process, let alone respond to. Rob seems to think that I left. I was not kicked out. No, Lily kicked me. I sent her this (tabbed).
How is Jenny doing? She is OK. A bit stressed. Not sure which one of us is more stressed. Me or her. She has been hurt and taken advantage of. It is disgusting. Anyway, she is a strong person. She is taking it in her stride.
The four of them are on a power trip. Lily is one of the four of them. One of those "admins". She is the one who kicked me. Take no notice. They probably have issues, too. They have inflated egos. They are dictators. They think that they are in control. Anna, the one who kicked Rob, started it all. She undermined Jenny. Sam L is the only one out of them who has shown me the least empathy. Claire (Mitchell) has a bigger stick up her arse than the other 3 put together ("respect the admins"). Anna basically came out of nowhere and took over the group. Jenny bowed to her pressurising. Anna kicked Jenny.
Just leave them to their little clique. Not worth it.
[14:05, 05/08/2021] Rory Duffy: Hi Lily
I tried to take control. It did not work. Tabbed is that bomb dish message. The one that I sent to all of them (including Jenny) last Saturday. Boss move. It did not work. What happened on Tuesday night was the consequence of that. I knew that it would happen. I was prepared for it. But I did not expect it to happen so quickly. I felt caught off guard.
They have their own issues. I am invested in the original group. I do not want the new group to take over. They did not deserve it. It should not have been a coup. It should have been separate. It is disrespectful and a breach of trust. I could not believe it. I was in shock for 1.5 weeks. Jenny trusted us. And for them to do that, it is disgraceful. To her. To everything that she has built up. It is callous. It is mean. It is nasty. I tried to gift them a 2K member group on Meetup (for free) to quell things. To shut them up. But they slapped it back in my face. I wanted to support both sides, despite the circumstances. But they made it impossible for me. So now, I am with Jenny / LGBT 20s & 30s / Meet & Mingle. 💯
It is her concept and her vision quest. I want to support it.
Just forget them. I have my own group, which is doing great. Rob's group which he came up with. That was his idea. Rob says that I have built his group into something great, which he thanks me greatly for. I thank him. For coming up with the idea. Which I relate to. He has done a great deed, planting that seed. I hope that I can do it honour and justice. In his vision. He is a true Meetup hero. That needs to be recognised. 🤩
[18:37, 31/07/2021] Rory Duffy: @Claire just getting back to you on what is my take on all of this. My take is as follows:
Rory spent the first few years of his life in an ice cave, carving out his palace of wonder. He's a bit of a love doll, but he who melts the ice shall have his reward.
332 Brixton Road
Samaritans, 24 hours, on 116123 or email:
I have been recommended to acknowledge and process all that I have been though, where it all started from how it has affected me.