I wonder if Green Park will go ahead today. 😂
Rob suggested Retro Bar for them. No! That would be stepping on Jenny's toes. In retrospect (LOL), it is smart that Rob suggested it. It highlights how much of a plagiarism their new group is.
I have asked him to not pass on anything that I said to him last night. I am paranoid. I said a lot of stuff. I have been worried all week. I feel paranoid because it is all in WhatsApp and traceable. I feel more comfortable talking about it in person. I do not know why I wrote all of that stuff last night. 😓
I had a bit to drink. And I was triggered.
I have asked Rob to export the chat and email it to me. I want to see what happened after Tuesday night. I am still trying to piece it all together. There is no chat about me. I need to see the whole chat. I do not need the media. Just the transcript.
They are not talking about me. I know, but I want to see everything since Tuesday night. Even if they were not talking about me. Why? Because I heard that some people spoke out. And I want to find out what was said. I feel in the dark. 😢
I am a control freak. Maybe I should rest for a while. Not concern myself with my troubles. 😌
On the one hand, it is probably not healthy of me to pursue this. On the other hand, I am worried that if I do not ask now, the moment will pass and I will regret not having done so.
Did I receive it? I did. I apologised to Rob if I seemed desperate.
03/08/2021, 22:56 - Jenna: Good luck with the prosecution and thank you on congrats for the healing. I hope you do too xx
What has CB said? Just up and down all of the time. She phoned me 45 minutes ago and sounded fine. She said that she wanted to go but she would have a chat with ERD. I asked her to keep me updated. She came back indecisive again. I am feeling stressed out by it. Rob says that I should tell her that. If I feel comfortable. It seems a little unsympathetic of me. Rob can see that. Sorry about this. It is fine.
What has CB said? Nothing yet. It looks brighter now. But it is getting late. Shall I nudge her? It is not fair of her to leave us in the lurch like this. Despite what has happened. Rob is not coming. It is too late now. It will be a rushed day. Unless we stay the night. But I have Green Park. Plus my jab. I can still go to Brighton. I am not in the mood anymore. I feel completely messed up. There were so many things that were possibly happening today. And one by one, they have fallen through. Due to shitty weather.
What other things were there? I could have had a gig but I turned it down because I thought that I would be at the GS picnic. A lady who I played for 2 years ago offered me a gig today. I turned it down because I thought that I would be at the GS picnic. We would have got wet anyway. True. When the picnic was cancelled, I contacted her to say that I could play for her. But she already booked elsewhere. So I decided to do the Brighton thing. And now this has happened.
This rain ruins everything. Plans. Everything. I am sick of it. I feel so upset right now. There will be other opportunities for a gig. Just write off today. Fresh start tomorrow. Chill out. I have been miserable. I will try to rest, relax, make myself a coffee, have a nice lunch and tidy my room.
[09:09, 07/08/2021] Rory Duffy: Morning what time we meeting?
[15:32, 07/08/2021] CB: Hi Rory just woken up again and really not with it. Let’s go again in a few weeks. Need to rest. Hope you ok. X
[14:51, 07/08/2021] ERD: @Rory Duffy Hello mate I’ve not heard anything from you and just to let you know that slight delay if you are planning on coming with Rob then come along will let you know where we are where we are and the table is been booked for tonight at 6:30 at Saint James Street however I understand if you’re not coming CB did mention
Last night, I kissed a guy in the Two Brewers. I do not know what his name was. He was dancing to me. Leading me on. He seemed to be into me. For a moment, I thought that my night was set. I could have easily had a one night stand. I did not have to be up early this morning. Alas, he left. I cannot remember what happened. But he put his arms around me and assured me that he would return. He never returned.
There was something about what Zakir said on Thursday night about me being "sad and vulnerable". I asked him if it was something in my body language and demeanour. He said no, but it is the energy and aura that I am giving off in my words and the way in which I speak.
Last night, when the guy hooked up with me in the Two Brewers, I thought "this could actually be so easy, just relax and go with the flow, try not to judge it too much". Although I forget most of what was said, I think that I did ask him for his name and comment on how beautifully blue his eyes were. It might have been after then that he released me from his embrace.
Maybe this is why I cannot have one night stands? Or why I seem to sabotage relationships before allowing them to develop naturally? Because there is something about me that radiates "sad and vulnerable"? Like when I was with Avi Taler on the evening that I told him that I loved him. Or when Hafyz friend zoned me the other week. These guys who I become involved with suddenly realise that they have set a precedent and it makes them think twice about me. I show my vulnerable side, without me even trying. It is simply there. Even Rob has been on Grindr and Scruff and tried to keep the knowledge from me because he cannot bear to hurt me.
Maybe it shows how high are my standards and expectations of others. And of myself. Most guys want casual sex (despite their assurances that they want a relationship / connection). Or they do not know how to form one. In my case, it is the opposite. It is my high standards and expectations of myself and others that prevents me from developing relationships. My natural inclination is control without even trying.
Much as I would like to, this is something that I cannot change about myself. However, I might be able to change my perception of that. I have an inbuilt mechanism that protects me from getting hurt. Yet prevents me from having a relationship.
[23:01, 21/10/2019] LV: You live your fear all the time
[23:04, 21/10/2019] LV: You need to live, Rory
At least I have a consciousness / awareness of this fear. As being an intrinsic part of myself. Despite not knowing what to do about it. Maybe the right guy will have expectations as high as me. Or maybe, like Sam said, I might die lonely.
[21:53, 08/07/2021] Sam: You are nothing but little insect to me now and I am grossed by you, and to be 100% honest with you I feel bad sorry for you!! Good like dying alone like you deserve 🤮🤮🤮
Did Lily reply? No, not yet. And apparently, they cancelled Green Park today and are going to Retro Bar instead. 😡
After all that 🤦♂️
WTF. They are stealing the locations as well! If I am speaking to Sam L, I must tell him no hard feelings but Jenny is going to have to ban them all. As it is getting ridiculous at this point. They have been sending messages to members in the group, trying to get them to attend their event. And now they are stealing the locations. It is disgusting. Jenny does not want to ban him or any of them. But she feels that for the future of the group, she needs to.
[13:31, 07/08/2021] Lily: Alright everyone, although the weather seems to have improved, the park will be soaked.
From Lily on the "Queer 20s/30s LDN Meetup".
LOL. This is getting too stressful. It is disgusting. I am not speaking to Sam L, or any of them. The Last Message was that long message to Lily.
LMFAO. Jenny just called Retro. Hogged the booking. Will cancel it in a sec. What does she mean? She called Retro and said "can I book the space from 3pm?" So she will cancel soon. Once they find somewhere else.
Cancel, why? I would be up for joining Jenny in Retro Bar at 3. What is going on? Jenny did not want Lily to book the venue. So she booked it to hog it. It is booked from 3.
Why not book it and schedule a Meetup? I know that it is last minute. But we still have an hour. True. But Jenny does not want to go against what she said in her statement re: having two events in one day. Right? I see. I am worried that this might compromise her relationship with the venue. True. Jenny will cancel it in a second.
It is up to Jenny. I am feeling at a bit of a loss. True. Maybe Jenny should run the event? Tom does not think that she should. It is always dead there anyway. She will cancel within half an hour. Also, she gave a fake name. She forgot to tell me. She does not think that this will compromise the relationship. Smart. She does not think that they will recognise her voice. No. She normally emails them. Cool. I hope that it works out. 🤞
Am I coming tonight? I am thinking about it. My Brighton trip was cancelled. Jenny says that it would nice to see me. I have been triggered. But it would be nice to see her. Maybe meet her before and we go early. Sounds great. Maybe we could meet somewhere in Soho at 6 .Grab a coffee. Perfect. Or a beer? I probably should not be drinking alcohol today. It enhances it. But I do not mind if she wants to. I do not want to spoil the party. I think that Tom is out too. He mentioned that he was going to the London Gays @ Welly Meetup. Maybe he could join us?
[15:08, 07/08/2021] Lily: Guys, Retro from 4.30 pm, we've got a booking, ask for the LGBT meetup, see you there
From Lily on the "Queer 20s/30s LDN Meetup".
They copied the name "mingle". And they cannot even spell "drinks". I despair. 🙇♂️
[15:37, 07/08/2021] Jenny: and then tomorrow is drinks in green park!
"dinks in green park" 😂
Sorry, bad joke. 🐣
Jenny & I are meeting at Little Ku, 18:45. I was hesitant about whether or not to go. Especially if some members of the rebels group show up (which is likely). But I think that I will feel better. Rather than stay at home and stew.
Recently, the situation with Hafyz and what happened to the group has knocked my confidence. Today especially, I have been feeling delicate and vulnerable. It might be partly due to the alcohol from last night. Alcohol affects the emotions. Tonight, I should not drink. It might be wise to take a break from Meetup for a while. Or only concentrate on SB&GG and GS. I have a few weekend gigs coming up anyway so it is not like I do not have anything else to do on a Saturday.
I have now read the transcript. I have seen everything that has been said about me. But there is no point staying inside and hiding myself away from the world. That would build up a complex. Even if I only stay for a couple of hours, drink lemonade and go home when everyone else heads to the clubs, I will feel better for it. I need to get back out on to the scene with my head held high. Let them judge. Let them believe what they want to believe. I do not need to explain myself. I have nothing to prove.
[12:44, 07/08/2021] Sam: Alright so, for now, the picnic is cancelled, we'll post more info shortly
Rory spent the first few years of his life in an ice cave, carving out his palace of wonder. He's a bit of a love doll, but he who melts the ice shall have his reward.
332 Brixton Road
Samaritans, 24 hours, on 116123 or email:
I have been recommended to acknowledge and process all that I have been though, where it all started from how it has affected me.