When are we meeting? I am not sure. I am hoping that I can get some more work with BSC. So we will meet then, I guess. OK. What about during the week? I am not sure. Probably best if I see him at work for the time being.
OK. My wish.
I assure him not to worry. We will meet soon.
RV tells me that he is not working much with BSC. And even less possibility that we both obtain work at the same place. So less chance that we meet. It is OK Rory. Leave it. OK no worries. RV says that he knows that I do not want to meet him. There is no point in forcing me.
It is not that I do not want to. It is that I do not feel right about meeting him yet. I am not ready for this.
It’s not that I’m afraid of things not working out,
RV says that meeting someone for a coffee does not hurt anything. He will not be in London for a long time. By the time that I feel that I am ready to meet him, he might not be here anymore.
I understand. I am sorry. He is a nice guy. I do want to see him again. But I know that if we meet up, I will feel awkward and self-conscious about what we talked about before and under pressure to give him something that I am not sure that I am able to give. I would not wish that upon him.
2 problems here:
RV says that he does not expect anything from me.
If we do not see each other, no worries. There are plenty of other guys for him. If we do see each other, great. But I would rather leave things to fate so that we can be natural and ourselves.
OMG. RV wants to meet me. Please. Just relax, he says.
I am saying it like it is. I know how he feels about me and no matter how much he says that he does not expect anything, I would still feel under pressure. But I do not want to lead him on because that is not fair on him.
Self Subjugation for the sake of honesty. Putting another guy's feelings above my own. Deep down, I knew that I wanted to meet him. But I already had such a low opinion of myself that I automatically did not trust myself to do something as simple and as trivial as going out for a drink with him. I was already damaged by my previous experiences with guys that I was not able to move forwards with anyone. 26/03/21
RV reminds me that he does not expect anything from me. No way. He does not want to do anything all of a sudden. Let us meet and know each other. Let us not have any expectations. Let us keep it simple.
I am sorry. I cannot. I feel like he is chasing me. Sorry. My head is not in the right place at the moment. I cannot deal with this. It is stressing me out. Sorry. I tell him to please try to relax and concentrate on people who deserve my care and attention. If I change my mind, I will let him know. But he must not hold me to that.
Of course my head was not in the right place. I had not allowed myself the chance to process what I had been through previously up until this point. See: Andy, FF, Nathan, Harry, Neil, Grant Russell. 26/03/21
I am not sure if I want to meet him?
I am not sure and I do not want to make a decision.
This was like saying I do not want to be in control anymore. I did not trust myself to do the "right thing". Compare this to the things that I was saying on 02/05/2019 and 28/05/2019. These thoughts and feelings arose out of low Self Esteem. 26/03/21
Looking back on all of this. I had not processed what I had been through in the past. It was all that I knew. I had reservations about meeting this guy (who I was interested in) because I associated relationships with all of the uncomfortable, difficult and unnerving experiences that I had before. Especially with the shame aspects (discussed in 02/04/2012). I felt somehow accountable or responsible to someone, like I should somehow "think, say and do all of the right things". This pressure of social expectation in knowing how to behave and conduct myself was playing into my fears and insecurities.
People had criticised or shamed me in the past for feeling a certain way about someone. These beliefs I took upon myself. I did not allow myself to feel things simply because I felt embarrassed and criminalised for feeling these things in the first place. I felt like I was somehow "obliged" to an unseen force, or that I should not interfere with destiny. That my time would somehow come and that if I tried to change anything, I would ruin it (compare to Victoria telling me in 2019 that I "seep everything good out"). Worse still, I was under societal pressure to not question or explore those questions and that I should simply "let things be".
The reality is that I received no guidance in how to process and manage my thoughts and feelings. I was shamed to such an extent that I was no longer asking for help. I was driving myself underground. I was suppressing my emotions and shying away from them because I was led to believe that they were somehow "bad". That I was "toxic" and "contagious". Anything that I touched would break and fall apart. This is a belief that was somehow imposed on me as I was growing up and led to a negative self worth. The difference between 2012 and 2019 is that in 2012 I was not even attempting to help myself, whereas in 2019, I was learning to ask for help.
Guys and relationships were a trigger for me (as in they would draw out my loneliness). At the time, this is why I "hid myself away" from them. For the sake of not causing trouble or embarrassment for myself and others. I failed to realise that there was a reason for this loneliness existing there in the first place. And the possibility that I had not addressed or processed it. It was not the guys that were the problem. It was how I responded and dealt with my problems. How I treated myself on account of those problems.
Compare this to when I said "I would rather BE alone than FEEL lonely." 30/01/2021
It seems like I am attributing guys and relationships to be the cause of my Loneliness. I am focusing too much on the triggers themselves and not enough on my response to those triggers.
However, it is important not to blame myself. I was young. I was inexperienced. I was lacking the mental health guidance and support that I possibly might have required at this time. I am happy to look at my messages with RV and see that there was nothing in them that was offensive or upsetting. I was simply not ready. I was feeling things that I was too afraid to let myself feel. I could not handle myself. If I could not handle myself, I could not handle another person. Given what I had been through already, I simply was not ready for a relationship, because loneliness, feeling "out of control" and negative feelings of self worth was all that I ever knew and associated with relationships. It is encouraging to see that I at least tried to act honestly towards RV and respect his feelings. I cannot fault myself for that. But maybe going out for a coffee or drink (despite the simplicity of it) was more than I felt ready for at this time. The prospect felt too much like a "date". That is OK. I am a sensitive person.
Rory spent the first few years of his life in an ice cave, carving out his palace of wonder. He's a bit of a love doll, but he who melts the ice shall have their reward.
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I have been recommended to acknowledge and process all that I have been though, where it all started from how it has affected me.