Last night, I had another dream about Avi. I have decided to start tracking the dates of these as they seem to be occurring more frequently than last year (2020). The details of this one are mostly abstract and hazy but it involved WhatsApp. The bare bones of it was that we had exchanged another streak of long messages since January this year in which I had written something that I later regretted. This is because I was abroad (I think), out of contact with my mental health coordinator and acting impulsively. By "acting impulsively", I am not only repeating his words about me but I made judgemental statements about him. I needed to move from "being" to "acting".
One thing that I can remember is Avi responding to one of my messages in which I said that I was "the teacher" by him forcefully saying "no, I am the teacher". This might tie into my notion of defining reality. Either or both of us might think that we taught the other a "lesson" (which may or may not be true) but the dream seemed to indicate that there was a difference in opinion over who had "mastery" of the other.
Another thing that I can remember is that he blocked me on WhatsApp for not respecting his wish to not contact him. And that WhatsApp had a feature whereby you could leave a message on your empty avatar. In the dream, Avi came up as a grey box upon which was written the word "Goodbye". It was rather chilling. I woke up and thought that people might have their own reasons for blocking that are not to do with me. They might feel uncomfortable about their past and do not wish to be reminded of it.
Above all, the dream played into my anxiety and paranoia of thinking that I had said or done something wrong when I had not. It has not affected my mood, only increased my volume of thoughts. Today, I have made a conscious effort not to track each and every individual thought. But to simply notice when I am having these thoughts.
I would like to go back on the dating apps but I am in a quandary over whether or not I feel ready in terms of how healthy my mindset is. By saying that "I am not ready", I might not be giving myself enough credit. Yet I must gauge and measure my responses.
With Plenty Of Fish, I have already talked about swimming in a sea and being bitten by a shark (i.e., encountering an ex on Tinder) and my need to find a healthy way of doing it.
Ultimately, I must:
Assuming that I manage to do the above, the other factor to take into account is that the bars, cinemas and restaurants have not yet re-opened. Which somewhat limits the activities that I could do with a potential date.
On the other hand, perhaps setting up those matches / conversations might plant the seeds for something to happen further down the line? Is it too early, too late? The questions continue.
Is it wise to talk for ages on a dating app before meeting? Or should I be looking to meet people straight away? My gut instinct is that the latter is more realistic and healthy. It leans more towards listening to people's actions more than their words. And not falling into the trap of idolising someone due to their dating app profile and subsequently discovering that we have not much in common.
Read More: 17/09/2019
I have noticed something positive: I have an abundance mentality. I believe in the universe. But in a way that is healthy and conducive to my sense of wellbeing, i.e., where I am not placing all of my expectation in the universe and setting myself up for disappointment. I trust that going through with it will bring someone into my life who might set my world in a spin. I want to fall in love again. But I must learn how to do it safely. I have the power to do that if I allow myself to. Make dating apps work to my advantage and not my disadvantage. Expand my options. This is the key. Harnessing the universe in order to serve my needs (= expand my options). Become a master (not a slave) to those options. A means to an end. Rather than an end in itself.
Avi might have backed off because he thought that it might be unhealthy for him to be in my life due to my vulnerability. And that he had my best interests at heart. While this might be true (and potentially noble of him), leaving my life had the opposite effect on me. I wanted him in my life. I wanted to be in love with him. I wanted us to be happy together. We had something special that ended too quickly. Is that not what he wanted? He could not accept that I loved him. I could not accept that he never intended to hurt me. He might have felt like he was speaking on behalf of other guys. I might have put him in that position of feeling like that. We were both scared. Scared of hurting and being hurt. He lacked the belief in himself not to hurt as much as I lacked the belief in myself not to be hurt. I had him on a pedestal that he felt that he could not live up to.
My mind returns to the letter that I drafted but did not send to Avi on 05/04/2019 (see tabbed). A rare moment of lucidity in the weeks following our last meeting. How different might things have turned out had I sent that letter? I might never know for sure.
Plenty Of Fish
The way I'm understanding things (correct me if I'm wrong) is you're afraid of hurting me and I'm afraid of being hurt.
Rory spent the first few years of his life in an ice cave, carving out his palace of wonder. He's a bit of a love doll, but he who melts the ice shall have his reward.
332 Brixton Road
Samaritans, 24 hours, on 116123 or email:
I have been recommended to acknowledge and process all that I have been though, where it all started from how it has affected me.