Avi Taler. I can say the name. I can say it in public. After all, that is what I have been doing for the last few weeks and months. Attending Meetup events. Saying his name to anyone and everyone who I come across whenever I feel the need to say it. There is nothing wrong with that. It is part of my personal recovery process. To talk about him openly. To act transparently. To be able to say his name without fear. Dumbledore had it right. Fear of the name increases fear of the thing itself. If can say his name to whoever I wish, it reduces that fear. Where did this fear originate? Fear to love. Or the fear to say "I love you" without feeling rejected.
In return, the overriding message that people - friends and strangers alike - are telling me is this:
"Do not ever stop being yourself."
This is what my family and friends told me when I was 18 - 15 years ago. This is what strangers and new acquaintances are telling me now.
Putting myself out there. If he has affected me to such an extent that he has become part of my narrative, so be it. I feel proud to say the name "Avi Taler" in public and proclaim how I felt about him. And how my reciprocation of his love towards me triggered his disappearance.
I believed in everything that he was telling me. And he let me down.
[08/03/2019, 10:01:30] Avi: When will we meet?
[08/03/2019, 16:52:10] Avi: Don't blame yourself if I feel things which are not there
[12/03/2019, 16:32:39] Avi: So why didn't you write to me to ask if I'm ok?
[15/03/2019, 10:47:20] Avi: I'm sorry if I sound pressing but I am looking forward to meeting you again 😊😊
[26/03/2019, 18:52:10] Rory Duffy: You have beautiful thoughts and feelings, I'm sorry if I was lost for words😌
[28/03/2019, 13:53:37] Avi: Have you discussed me?
He kept pushing and pushing and pushing. At the last moment, I let down my guard ("I love you"). And he disappeared.
I mentioned the grief analogy of the egg. I should feel no pressure to "let go" or "move on". The grief will always be there. Now it is a part of me. But if I can accept it and embrace it as a part of who I have become, there is a reason for it to be there in the first place. I am still processing the sudden change and how it is affecting me. I am strengthening myself through the act of telling. Every guy who has flirted with me, hugged me, kissed me, tried to sleep with me or convinced me in some way that there was something between us. Without treating me seriously. I do not need to let that affect me. I can treat other guys and their thoughts and feelings with respect. Without giving away too much of myself to a stranger, feeling unsafe or letting myself / my boundaries become compromised in some way.
This narrative is not about Avi Taler. In a way, it has nothing to do with him. It says more about me than it says about him. The simple fact that I have allowed him to have access to my thoughts (whether or not he reads them - who cares?) is enough for me. To know that I have spoken out for myself. I know that I would never, ever let anyone pursue me and subsequently ghost me ever again.
I thought about how I might challenge ghosting. But I realised that actually, I have come further than expected. In the sense that now, I would not even allow myself to be put in that position in the first place. I am beyond "ghosting". Does that term even mean anything to me anymore? One of the women who I was with tonight said to me "let what you have done be a lesson to anyone who ghosts". I am doing nothing illegal. I am allowed to talk and express myself. It does not matter who I am talking about. The important thing is how I responded to whatever situation it was, and how I dealt with it. Regardless of who the trigger might have been. I feel the freedom to quote the name "Avi Taler" whenever and wherever I want, without fear or judgement.
Bit of admin. I am meeting with my MH Champion my 13th May. My plan is to get back on Tinder. I have been practising with Facebook Dating and Hinge. Taking screen shots of anyone who I come across on those platforms who I know in a platonic or romantic capacity or otherwise. Apportioning 50% of my time / energy into finding that flame who will set my world in a spin (falling in love is important). The rest of my time will be apportioned into what I choose to do should I come across one of my ex's. Just like I would in Soho or in real life. It is about how I choose to respond. And ensuring that I put myself in a position of control (i.e., not letting social media or dating apps control me).
While all of these thoughts are positive, I am restricting myself to only go on Tinder on or after 13th May. I should run all of this past my MH Champion. My main priorities are:
No matter how tempting it is to download Tinder on arrival home after my walk from Soho.
There is nothing wrong with falling in love. It is about how I choose to relate to those feelings that is important.
It is important for me to be able to say "I love you" without fear.
Read More: 13/03/2021
The other important thing that I should mention is that tonight I had a choice:
I opted for the latter. Why? Because:
Rory spent the first few years of his life in an ice cave, carving out his palace of wonder. He's a bit of a love doll, but he who melts the ice shall have his reward.
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I have been recommended to acknowledge and process all that I have been though, where it all started from how it has affected me.