Just a few quick notes as I am conscious that I have been journalling every day since the beginning of August...
If I focus on the intention rather than the end result, I obtain better end results. A barman in the Yard Bar acted aggressively towards me. On our way out, I calmly complained to the manager. By way of feedback. Nothing else. I might have easily scuttled home, played the Keyboard Warrior and written a negative review. But I preferred to tell the manager in person. I thought that this would be kinder. It took motivation and energy (in the form of confidence). In response to my pure intentions, the universe provided. The manager asked us to stay for longer and gave us complimentary drinks. This made me feel better about the Yard Bar (it is my favourite gay bar in Soho due to its open air spaces). And it made the management feel better about keeping a customer happy. Had I asked outwardly for free drinks (which was not even on my mind as we were intending to visit Comptons anyway), I might not have attained the same result. Compare this to the UNIQLO fiasco.
Read More: 15/06/2021
Regarding the ongoing Meetup / 20s & 30s saga. Jenny cancelled the picnic.
[11:20, 08/08/2021] Alex: Hi, event still happening today with the rain and all?
[11:48, 08/08/2021] Jenny: i might rent somewhere
Privately, I suggested Retro Bar, partly as a joke (in follow up of what happened on Saturday). Despite this, Jenny did the opposite of what a Meetup organiser should do (make an executive decision) and opened it up to the table. The result? Complete and utter chaos and ambiguity. Wanting to avoid a repeat of Saturday (where my day was ruined due to waiting on indecisive people), I decided to watch Cruella at the cinema with Rob. Seize the day!
Much as I support Jenny, I did not approve of cancelling the Meetup altogether. Now, I feel a little less inclined to be as involved as I have been thus far. It would be far better to concentrate on my own groups. Since I have spent so much time, thought and energy on the 20s & 30s group.
Later on in the day, I advised Jenny to do as tabbed. There is nothing more that I can do. I can advise her but I cannot tell her how to run her group. I sense that the coup (unjust as it might be) has had a knock to her confidence and drive to continue running the group as she did in the past. Regardless, I think that I have done enough. Rob said to me that it is time to focus more on myself. He is right. I am exhausted!
Last night, Rob showed me a message from Natasha (the admin who replaced me) on the Queer 20s/30s LDN Chat WhatsApp group (the WhatsApp group from which I was kicked). Rob does not know that I informed Jenny about Lily's intention to book Retro Bar. He does not need to know. I was not able to screen shot the message (as it might look suspicious to Rob). Natasha's message said something along the lines of "I do not want to cause any drama but someone deliberately booked Retro Bar at the time slot that we were intending to book. The venue told us that it was a group of 30. We can only suspect that it was the LGBT 20s & 30s group. If anyone knows who is responsible for passing this information to the other group, please can they let us know. We are trying to create something here. We do not appreciate our efforts being constantly sabotaged. Please stop." I commented that this was strange. Rob noted my curiosity. He asked me why it is strange. I glossed it over by saying "what happened" in Natasha's message. I did not let on to him what Jenny had done in direct result of the intelligence that I provided to her. Regardless, what she did failed to achieve anything apart from slightly inconveniencing the admins of that other group. They still booked Retro Bar (hence my tabbed advice to Jenny).
As much as I feel that the Queer 20s/30s London should be doing their park thing and not plagiarising Jenny's concept, venues and event names, I feel that my interference must come to an end. I must distance myself and withdraw my involvement from the whole situation. Otherwise, I might end up feeling more frustrated by other people's problems that are out of my control. There is nothing more that I need to do. All that I did was act as an informant to Jenny. I felt that it was right for her to be informed. Ultimately, it was her decision to "hog the booking". Personally, I did not approve. It seemed to be done out of spite (particularly as she did not book Retro Bar for the following day when Sunday's picnic was cancelled). It is embarrassing. It risks making me look bad (like I am trying to sabotage - which I am not). But there is no need for anyone to know that I was acting as an informant. It could have been anyone! I doubt that the admins would make the connection that I am still a member of the Queer 20s/30s LDN Meetup WhatsApp group and that it was this particular group (not the "Chat" group) on which Lily announced her intention to book Retro Bar.
I feel exasperated and stressed out by the way in which matters have worked out. I hate it. My favourite Meetup group has been ruined by a few selfish individuals who are on a power trip. And Jenny has been weakened by ti. But there is nothing more that I can do. Let everyone clear up their mess. It is time to distance myself from both groups and focus on what I wish to do with my groups. At least I have come away from it with my Meetup account and groups in tact (despite Lily's veiled threat that she might have easily "nuked the account").
[01:02, 04/08/2021] Lily: I could have very easily nuked that meetup account but all I did was remove our imagery and events and put yours back.
Regarding the dating situation: I think that I must have a tired, weary look in my eyes whenever I set eyes on a guy who I might be interested in. Maybe this is how guys detect my sadness and vulnerability and choose to back off?. My heart is completely run down. I am drained by these ephemeral fools who are here today, gone tomorrow and do not exist in the real world. I do not feel like I have the capacity to love another guy again. Today, I told Rob that I have lost motivation and direction in life. Maybe this is a common symptom of emerging from lockdown? A lot of people possibly feel like this. Like they have all of this freedom and not accustomed to it or knowing what to do with it. Rob told me that there are people who love me and care about me and want me to be happy. I cannot stop thinking about guys from my past and wondering why they even chose to pursue me if they were not going to follow through with it. Where are they now?
Firmguidinghand 11:12 AM
[18:51, 08/08/2021] Rory Duffy: What did you say in the last message to claire, the one you mentioned sending to her before blocking her?
Rory spent the first few years of his life in an ice cave, carving out his palace of wonder. He's a bit of a love doll, but he who melts the ice shall have his reward.
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I have been recommended to acknowledge and process all that I have been though, where it all started from how it has affected me.