Last Sunday (6th June), a friend helped me towards an insightful thought.
I want something / someone AFTER the fact has passed that this something / someone can never be mine.
This applies to both dating and shopping. The fact that I get so hooked on something / someone AFTER the ship has sailed (so to speak). I do not know how to put it in other terms. After I have received the job rejection, like I did with the Making Music job opportunity. After I told Avi Taler that I loved him. After that tie dye jumpsuit that I found in Shein went out of stock in my size.
As soon as the ship has sailed, I become obsessed with it.
Is this a form of Self Harm? The way in which I fixate more on something / someone that I cannot have? AFTER the point of loss? Or is that simply the way in which I am programmed?
I have not had a dream about Avi Taler in over a month. It does not mean that I do not cry over him. Tonight, I shed tears about him over drinks in front of my friends. Why? Maybe the recounting of what happened between us. I told him that I loved him. He said that he did not love me. That, I did not have a problem about. It was honest of him to say that, despite how much I felt that he "played" me up until that point. My issue was with what happened afterwards. After saying and doing all of the things to show me that he had feelings for me, he "ghosted" me. He became silent on me after I expressed fear that he might be taking advantage of me. But if I think about it in technical, clinical, face value terms, I "ghosted" him. I sent him a message to wish him well in his concert in the hope that it might rekindle a conversation. He said "thank you very much!". Nothing else. It did not lead to anything. I did not reply because my family and friends were telling me not to waste my energy on him. I took their advice. I tried to "move on". I thought that I had "moved on" until my birthday on May 27th, 2019. He said "happy birthday, may all of your hopes and dreams become true, take care and be happy". Given how I was feeling, his message was perfectly ironic. He was the exact manifestation of my hopes and dreams. And he was gone. But by coming back momentarily, he seemed to be teasing, tormenting and torturing me. Again, I did not find the strength to reply immediately. The truth that it took me 7 months to find the strength to reply suddenly felt raw again.
[12:37, 2/5/2019] Rory Duffy: Wishing you the very best of luck in tonight's concert,you'll be great 😌
The shame in the depth of emotion that I felt back then as if it were yesterday. I cried. I laughed as well, because it is something that I can talk about. But the emotion still felt extremely raw. My friends asked me if I am OK. I explained that it helped having feelings out in the open and feeling able to talk about them and express myself. Avi Taler was the door that needed to open beyond which I found so much more.
Avi Taler hoped that I would take the right choices and prioritise my safety and health (26/01/2020). I have tried my best to take his advice every day, not only in dating, but in other aspects of my life. This includes choosing who I tell about him.
When Rob & I got together, my confidence was at rock bottom. It had been drawn out of me. Rob provided me with stability and security. Maybe not love. But care. I latched onto Rob. I was cradled like a baby in his arms. I was hurting. I did not tell Rob about Avi Taler. I might have mentioned it to him once while we were in the pub (in Crystal Palace). Rob knew that I was receiving mental health care. But I did not tell him what my struggles were about. I did not wish to bombard him with all of my personal grief especially as we were in a new relationship. The other week, I said to him that I did not wish to hide anything from him. He rightfully asked me what I am hiding from him. At that point, I fell asleep. There was nothing to say. Or at least nothing to say to Rob that might be remotely interesting to him.
Love has no limits, no boundaries and no rationality. Sometimes, we meet people in life who are there to pass on a certain message. It is how we choose to interpret it. In a way, it is not what happens or who we meet that is important. It is how we respond, interpret and deal with whatever or whoever happens. I know that I struggled to deal with this man. Like the angel who spoke to me through Maria (she likes it when I say that) said: Avi Taler touched a nerve within me. He came into my life, made me all of these (seemingly) false signals and disappeared, the epitome of every other man has done who I have felt for in that way. It was the typicalness of the situation that affected me. The knowledge that I let myself become beaten and run down by the same challenge that has repeatedly come into and trashed my life. And done nothing about it. Why is that? Now I realise that it is not that challenge which I need to focus on. It is how I respond to the challenge. It took me a while but I eventually found the words. I will only let grooming and ghosting happen to me if I admit that it is happening to me. I must find a way of keeping the door open without giving away too much of myself.
The same applies to Sam, too.
[26/05/2021, 09:32:22] Rory Duffy: I hope too ☺️ xx
It appears that Sam is not after real love, only my validation. Or is he? If I let myself believe that, it will become my reality. At the moment, I still do not feel comfortable responding to Sam. Or I have not found a way of responding to Sam which safeguards my personal comfort and happiness. The communication is ephemeral, foggy and ambiguous. It does not mean that I do not intend to respond, at all. There is no call to action. But the ball is technically in my court. I might choose to "move on" from Sam but will this forever seed a doubt in my mind in thinking that I should have responded? My main concern is not wishing to give away something (love) that I do not feel that I am going to receive back. It already feels like I have done so. Simply by uttering reciprocation of Sam's alleged feelings towards me. Box ticked. In a way, this is similar to the 7-month process that I went through with Avi Taler in wishing to gratify someone's feelings towards me but not in a way in which I am getting nothing back from the other person. Only serving as a tick box. Part of the other person's inventory / conquest.
I have thought about adding Sam on Facebook as my way of responding. It has been a few weeks now since our successful date, without any message from him. How could he say all of that and disappear? Are guys really that transient? Or is he waiting for me to respond? Did he mean anything at all? I cannot trust someone to honour their words. I must listen to their actions.
I might add Sam on Facebook. But maybe leave the decision-making (regarding that) until the morning. I have found him on Facebook. I only have not added him. Avi Taler took his own initiative to add me on Facebook. It is a curious reversal of roles if I choose to add Sam on Facebook. It puts me in a weaker position should Sam decide to delete me from Facebook 2 years later. That could easily happen. And where would that leave me?
I wish that I knew all of the answers. But I do not know where to find them.
Maybe this is why I find it so difficult moving forwards with anyone, romantically. Because I am so afraid of the same thing happening all over again. I am afraid of feeling the things that I might feel. And that I might find myself led on by someone only to be hung out to dry. But like I said to my friends last night: we are born alone, we die alone and everything that happens in between is up to our own deliberation. Stop defining it. Just live it. Focus on the positives. Find happiness in everything.
It is ironic that I was having these thoughts, particularly about Sam deleting me off Facebook and "dying alone" when it is precisely those things that happened with Sam. 12/08/2021
[23:02, 21/10/2019] LV: We born alone and we die alone
Rory spent the first few years of his life in an ice cave, carving out his palace of wonder. He's a bit of a love doll, but he who melts the ice shall have his reward.
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I have been recommended to acknowledge and process all that I have been though, where it all started from how it has affected me.