I cannot sleep. Why? Because I had a one-night stand? Quite possibly. Well, it was a one-night something. I do not know how to define it. Something happened. It was an experience. It happened too quickly. Sometimes, situations seem to happen effortlessly. They remind you that life can be easy. But I cannot sleep because I have been feeling weird about it and my mind is going crazy.
Perhaps start at the beginning? I will start at the part where I had been drinking all afternoon and turned up to the date completely sloshed. The date was at 6:15 pm. I started drinking at 1:30 pm. I was at the London Bisexuals Picnic in Hyde Park. It was an amazing environment. I have been in a lot of queer spaces but this one was different because there was a much richer spread of diversities / identities. There was bi, polyamorous, asexual, gender fluid, he, she, they and everything in between. I was supposed to be at the M&M / Retro Bar for 3. But I was having so much fun at the picnic with my friend Andy and a few women we met that I decided to stay an extra hour. The sun did this thing where it came out. Remember? Although Rob & I were messaging, he had not said anything about the M&M / Retro Bar. My main fear was joining Rob at the Meetup and having to abandon him there while I went off with another guy. Fortunately, it sounded like he wanted to meet me tomorrow instead.
[13:56, 11/09/2021] Rob: You going tinnies in the park tomorrow
"Tinnies in the Park" is the new name of the Queer Rebels Meetup event. Rob might have got confused between the 2 picnics. The Saturday one "Tinnies in the Park" run by the Queer Rebels (Queer 20s and 30s London). The Sunday picnic "Meet and Mingle / Drinks in Green Park" run by the original 20s and 30s group. Nevertheless, romantic problem solved. I could sneak to the M&M / Retro Bar an hour late at 4. Rob might simply assume that I was not attending.
[14:13, 11/09/2021] Rory Duffy: next Saturday I will have an evening in
Andy & I left the picnic and walked down to Hyde Park Corner. I continued down Constitution Hill (Green Park) in my tipsy state of sunshine bliss. Suddenly, I realised that I would be practically walking past the Queer Rebels "Tinnies in the Park" Saturday picnic happening right now in Green Park. I was tempted to go and spy on them. But I was beyond caring by this point. I continued along the Mall, through Trafalgar Square, picked up a beer at the Co-op and snuck it in my alcohol flask.
I had a nice time at the M&M / Retro Bar Meetup, where I caught up with my friend James and talked to a couple of other new, nice (and handsome!) guys. Not wishing to be late for my date, I left promptly at 6. I picked up another beer on my way up to Rupert Street where I would be meeting Sid. I became a bit lost in Soho and had to backtrack a couple of times. I ended up there 5 minutes late.
[18:11, 11/09/2021] Sid: Hey
Rupert Street was packed so we opted for the Yard Bar instead. I bought us drinks and we headed upstairs where we found a cosy little seat in the corner. His name is short for Sidarth. He comes from Grenoble in France but he is originally of Indian origin. I cannot remember much after that. Other than that I was asking extremely pertinent questions about what he is doing in Cambridge and what he is looking for in London. And dishing incredibly honest truths about myself. I think that I might have warned him about what he is taking on here and the fact that I scare away most guys. I do not think that we were talking for a long time before we started kissing and making out. He was making me incredibly dizzy. I had to pull away a few times and regain myself. "Stop it. I could get addicted to you!" I kept asking him what a sprightly, youthful 27-year old is doing with a 34-year old. He kept repeating that it did not matter and that I look young anyway. Perhaps I was feeling more insecure about my age when I was with him than I thought before. I think that if the age gap were less, I might have felt less confident and more insecure. But because he is so much younger, I felt like anything that I said he would listen to. Every time I said something to him, he pressed his ear to my face and listened earnestly. He seemed genuinely into what I was saying.
Meanwhile, I was keeping James in the loop, at every twist and turn.
[19:21, 11/09/2021] Rory: Omg we just snogged
Looking at the times of these messages, it looks like Sid & I started kissing within the 1st hour of the date. We decided to move on to another bar. We moved on to the Duke of Wellington. 2 nights in a row! We headed upstairs. Sid bought us drinks. We found a sofa that was facing away into the back where all of the chairs had been stacked to allow floor space for people to stand. We hopped over on to the sofa (possibly illegally). More kissing. More making out.
[19:48, 11/09/2021] Rory Duffy: Omg intense 😍
Despite my resistance, my ice cap was melting and I was finding myself seriously attracted to him. I do not know if he genuinely felt the same way about me. We could not keep our hands off one another. We were reaching that "need to get a room" point.
[20:43, 11/09/2021] Rory Duffy: Ong we need to get A room
Judging by my private running commentary to James, things were getting intense and heated. These are the last messages that I sent to James. I feel a little ashamed and embarrassed by my somewhat poor grammar. But also glad that I had a friend who I could message (rather than openly splurging on a WhatsApp group or on social media). It helps me to feel grounded if I am keeping someone in the loop. James was now in Jenny's shoes of receiving a barrage of messages revealing intimate details about my private life. Oh well. That is what friends are for, I suppose.
Speaking of Jenny, at this point, I noticed that there was something strange happening with Jenny's WhatsApp group. Cyrece had changed the name from ""LGBT 20s & 30s Meetup" to "Jens LGBT 20s & 30s group". Well, the name had been bugging me for a while.I thought that this meant that this was the WhatsApp group specifically for the rendezvous rather than a general chit chat. But it had descended into a general chit chat. People were using it as such. So the word "Meetup" seemed redundant in this context. I was tempted to change the name before. Not wishing to undermine Jenny, I "let it go". But now Cyrece had come into the WhatsApp group and changed the name without realising that it changes the group name for everyone, now was the optimum time to rectify the WhatsApp group name syntax to exactly match the Meetup group name syntax. 😇 😌
In the act of "letting it go", I had created more options for myself.
Cyrece joined via an invite link
+44 changed the subject to "LGBT 20s & 30s group"
You changed the subject to "LGBT+ 20s and 30s"
[20:25, 11/09/2021] Cyrece: Sorry didn't mean to change group name. Thought I was changing it for myself so I didn't get confused between groups. Someone just told me I changed it for everyone
After this little interlude, I persuaded Sid to come back home with me to Vauxhall. We walked out of Soho hand in hand and down towards Trafalgar Square. By this point, we were both incredibly drunk. Sid kept lamenting his embarrassment at being drunk. I kept reassuring him that it was fine. He was asking me to finish his beer, which he had carried out of the Welly in a plastic cup. I took a few sips to help him out but I could not drink much more. We stopped at the Tesco in Trafalgar Square and picked up some pasta, pesto and mozzarella. Sid also picked up some chocolate cupcakes and paid for everything! We went to the bus stop at Whitehall to catch the 87. The 88 (which is slightly slower) arrived first. We abandoned Sid's beer at the bus stop (shameful) and hopped on the 88 bus. I remember saying to him that the 88, instead of going straight down Mill Bank (like the 87), takes a scenic route behind Westminster Abbey. It is a slight diversion, but it will get us to Vauxhall eventually. Somehow, we made it back to mine, although I do not remember much more of the details. We had a kissing and making out session in the elevator going upwards. When we arrived in my room, I immediately asked him if he wanted some water. I fetched him some water and set the kettle. But the pasta was soon forgotten in another intense making out session on my camp bed. We hopped "upstairs" into my high sleeper.
I asked him to message me when he arrives home safely. We had a final kiss in the hallway and he headed out the door. I think that I might have slammed the door behind him a little abruptly. Because I did not like having to say goodbye. And I guess that I wanted to get the goodbye over with. After he left, I finished his pasta, cleaned the kitchen, refilled my water bottle and carried on with my night as if nothing had happened. I felt a little shell-shocked and spaced out. But nevertheless determined not to feel like this was a massive deal. Minutes later, I realised that he had left his chocolate cupcakes behind. What a shame! I chucked them in the fridge. I would decide what to do with them later.
I went to bed. But then I thought that Sid might have problems getting home. So, I popped down to pick up my phone and took it into bed with me. Just in case he needed to reach me.
Why am I feeling weird? I cannot work out what it is. It might be a combination of love sickness (/ Love Hangover) and an anti-climax. He was simply too good to be true. Why did he have to leave? I feel bad because:
I do not feel like I know Sid at all. We took things too fast! I think that this is the fastest date / hookup / whatever that I have ever had in my life. And now it is over, I feel like I want it to happen again. I feel a little embarrassed about it. He possibly feels the same way. Which is possibly why he has not messaged me yet. It is now just after 9 am. I have been awake since 6 am thinking these thoughts. I pottered about the flat a bit and topped up my water bottle. I kept turning the bedside fan on and off. I tried to sleep. But I could not sleep because my mind was going crazy. At 7:45, I gave up sleeping and decided to write everything down. At least If I can write down everything that I remember, I might be able to choose how I wish to feel about it.
I could message Sid to check that he arrived home safely. But that might reverse the dynamic. Up until now, it has been him chasing / contacting me. I would like to keep it that way. And now that we have taken things as far as they could possibly go on the 1st date, he might have lost interest and be onto the next thing. That is OK. I am prepared for that to happen. I knew that this might not work out as a sustainable relationship, both with the age gap and the distance (he lives in Cambridge).
I could also message James to apologise for the drunken messages. But again, he has not replied. There is no point messaging him again unless he replies. I think that he could tell that someone "got lucky".
No. I must stick to my Last Message policy. Wait for people to message me. My main priority should be responding to Rob. I was putting it off until I had processed everything else. And until I am in a fit and sober state. Not simply responding in the heat of the moment. I have drafted some potential responses in my head but no time to outline my drafts in here. I have already taken enough time getting back to him. And I am hoping that he will still make today's picnic in Green Park. If he feels up to it.
[14:19, 11/09/2021] Rob: How was twighting
I think that this is OK. I still feel guilty and weird. Like I have cheated on him in some way. I know, people keep telling me that we are not "together", technically. So, we can sleep with anyone else, right? But it is strange that Rob should ask me this pertinent question at the exact same moment at which I am in an intense session with another guy. It is almost like he is telepathic and knows exactly what is going on. I am starting to believe that Rob might have psychic abilities. Or maybe he has simply worked it out because I have acted shady and ambiguous about my movements. Maybe the message about having next Saturday in might have revealed something to him.
[14:13, 11/09/2021] Rory Duffy: I think that next Saturday I will have an evening in
Rob might have conjectured that I am out. And not with him. Lately, he has experienced depression. I do not know if I might be a trigger for his depression. Or maybe it is his job and home situation. Or maybe it is the overly-sexualised content of the 20s and 30s WhatsApp group. Perhaps I am not the only one who is "at it".
This morning, I noticed that there was A LOT of dirty sex talk happening on the 20s and 30s WhatsApp group. I could tell that the people chatting on it were drunk. Some of the atrocities that people were writing and posting on there. OMG. I no longer need to feel worried about poor grammar while under the influence of alcohol .Because what was being said on that WhatsApp group is much worse!
I have posted it in here (tabbed). Without the media (images and GIFs). Because what was being said is not of much importance or significance.
[11/09/2021, 16:26:01] Jacek: Apologies, I decided to go swimming to Hampstead Heath to make the most out this beautiful weather
I feel slightly better now having managed to get down everything that I can remember from last night in some sort of written form. Although Sid still has not messaged me (I have no idea whether or not he made it back home to Cambridge safely), Rob has been in touch again.
[09:20, 12/09/2021] Rory Duffy: It was glorious, thanks 😊 we were inside this time, and I had a good chat with a lot of the guys in the group and the managers and staff at Central Station. We did karaoke but it got too busy so I left early and went to the Duke of Welly afterwards and met up with Ian there.
Well, that is OK. I was worried that he might feel too depressed to talk with me. We can keep chatting it through. I think that I might feel obliged to tell him what happened last night. But only, only if I feel comfortable and secure in myself that I would not hurt him in the act of telling. It might be worse if he found out. For example, both Andy, Megan and James knew about my date. Megan might see Rob & I. And say "how was your date, Rory?" Which might make matters messy, embarrassing and complicated. It is worth keeping tabs on these life details. Remembering who knows, who might be at which party and who might say what in front of someone else. However, there is no point in telling Rob if he is not asking. My main concern is not wishing to lie to him or hide anything from him. The act of not telling him is not doing that. Although I feel slightly guilty for having acted covertly about my movements last night.
As for Sid, I feel bad that he not only paid for his chocolate cupcakes but also left them at my flat and did not have them for the train journey home. But we were both drunk and a little forgetful. Fortunately, I managed to not lose my alcohol flask this time (or any of my clothes or hats).
What are my options?
But only offer these options if he messages me. There is no point in chasing him. I feel bad enough for him that he spent so much money getting to London, paying for most of our food and drinks and not finishing all of it. But maybe money does not matter much for him. I feel bad because I am a believer in Karma. What goes around, comes around. And I had a taste of someone losing a lot of money unnecessarily. Even if I was on the other side of the table, so to speak. I got lucky. Which means that at some point, my fortune might change. I guess that this is why I am feeling anxiety. Because I know that I might have to pay back for last night's fortune. This is why I am keen to send Sid the money / the chocolate cupcakes. And maybe a fiver contribution towards the pasta (most of which I ate).
It is now 10 am. I should make my breakfast. I have been typing on coffee for over 2 hours.
Now, I have my eggs in front of me.
I am trying to regain a sense of myself. Well, have I never experienced a drunken fling / one-night stand before? Not in a long time. I remember that the last time that it happened (with the trans guy from the Two Brewers) a couple of years ago, I felt weird for the whole day following the event. Today, I feel weird. But this time, last night's guy was someone who I feel attracted to. We met on Tinder. Not on a dark dance floor in a night club. This experience was prepped (although I did not do any prep).
I can picture Sid's cute little face next to me, his cheeky chops. But the picture is fading fast. Was he a dream? Is he like so many other guys who seduce me and disappear from my life, never to be seen again? Rob's message was somewhat ironic, given the circumstances.
[21:22, 11/09/2021] Rob: Do you want me in your life?
How strange. Almost like a reverse manifestation. I know that I did say a lot of things to Sid asking about why he would be interested in someone like me. Peppered with disclaimers. I might have openly questioned whether he would fuck, chuck and disappear. Shortly before he left, one of the last things that I said to him was that I listen to people's actions and not their words. Have I manifested his disappearance in the act of saying those things? Why was I even saying that to begin with? Possibly because I was trying to protect myself. Saying those things openly is like building a shell.
When I pulled away from his kisses, I reminded myself of Hafyz. The way in which he did that to me when things were getting too intense. It is almost like the boot is on the other foot. "Stop it. You are making me crazy!" It is like he was tormenting me, teasing me with his kisses. They were sending my mind off in a spin. He was making me dizzy (or maybe that was the alcohol). Giddy. It was almost like I was impersonating Hafyz. Or the spirit of Hafyz entered me briefly for a split second as I pulled away from those kisses.
With this dating / LGBTQ lark, there is a certain supernatural element that comes with it. Soon, it will be Halloween. There is a tendency for men to come into my life, tease and torment me. There is a disappearing element. Hafyz might have pushed me away as an act of control. He might have feared that our relationship would end prematurely. And his fear brought about that premature ending. The friend zoning. He possibly did not choose to lose me. But in the act of friend zoning me, he lost me. Simply because I I have chosen to remain on the mortal plain. I choose to exist. I choose to be out there. In the real world. The paradox with "ghosting" is that it stops being "ghosting" once an admission of "ghosting" is made. The whole point of "ghosting" is vanishing without a trace. The admission places a trace on the act of disappearing. Early on in our relationship, I told Rob how much I disapprove of "ghosting". I was still hurting. Now, Rob might perceive me as doing that to him. When, to me, I am merely taking time to think through and respond to his messages.
[10:05, 12/09/2021] Rob: How was retro bar and did Jenny go
The London Bisexuals picnic was an amazing environment. I have been in a lot of queer spaces but this one was different because there was a richer spread of diversities / identities. There was bi, polyamorous, asexual, gender fluid, he, she, they and everything in between.
Do I prefer it to gay male environments? Yes, I think so. I like mixed spaces. But I definitely felt more secure there than in the "Tinnies in the Park" space. There was a wider mixture of ages -rather than mainly 20s (and some 30s). I did not know anyone initially, so I was sat next to the organiser lady, but then my friend Andy came and joined so got to catch up with him. We were joined by a couple of nice gender fluid 'women'. I related to them as women, anyway! We were discussing clothes shopping and personal fashion styles 🤩 identities etc.
Is it only for bis? No, I asked one of the organisers if there were any asexuals there. She did a callout and several people raised their hands. The lady organiser who I was sat next to.
Am I asexual? I am not sure yet. I might be simply not good at sex. 😘
Do I masturbate? No. I do not know if that means if I am asexual or not. There is no rush to label / define myself yet. There is plenty of time to work it out. It might just be extreme frigidity. Or linked to autism. These things are tricky to separate sometimes.
What did I think of the chat in 20s and 30s last night? I thought that Rob might ask. I only skim read it. I did not understand much of it. Why do I think that Rob might ask? Because I saw that he was participating in it. Is Rob predictable? No, I think that we predict one another.
Just gone 11. Still no word from Sid. Oh well. Maybe I could write off the whole thing as a dream. Or an acid flash. Or as a hallucination.
Time to put on the kettle and respond to some other WhatsApp messages. I definitely feel like I need to be in the company of others right now (albeit in a digital / virtual capacity).
Maybe Sid is "messed up"? Like those other guys? Uncertain of what he wants? So, he put on the charm offensive to get what he wanted out of me in the present (future faking). He certainly knew how to push my buttons. Maybe that is simply how he acts around gay men in general. We certainly had a lovely encounter. Maybe that is all that there is to it? I would like it to happen again. He is possibly too young to settle with one guy. This is the risk that I take by courting younger guys.
I am reminded of my 1st one night stand with Dan when I was 22. And how I said to him back then that I hope that we could do it again. Back then, Dan said "maybe". He admitted to me that he was a complicated guy and that he had a girlfriend. Maybe Sid has a couple of skeletons in the closet? Who knows. These are simply the thoughts and speculations that are going through my mind. And not necessarily manifestations. The trick is to capture these thoughts and remain in control of them. I would like to see Sid again, of course. Maybe in a quieter environment. But I must also be prepared for the possibility that I might never hear from him again. I must be OK with him. I must be OK without him.
[13:47, 12/07/2019] LA: You need to be ok with him or without him
For whatever reason.
Last night, I did quite a bit of digging with Sid. Asking him pertinent, honest, direct questions to try and reveal his hidden agenda. But I could not. Possibly because there was no hidden agenda? I warned him that I have the tendency to scare away guys. Through my intensity.
OK. Kettle on. I need to get back to some of these people. I have taken care of myself first. This is good.
I am looking forward to hearing from James. I have just realised that whenever I do my drunken thing by sending a flurry of messages, I can refer to those messages from a 3rd person perspective. Almost like I am disassociating myself from the (drunken) version of me who wrote those messages.
I could say to James "haha, looks like you got the full running commentary". Puts a humorous spin on it. Perfect.
What about Sid? If and when he gets in touch, my first responses might be:
I am a kind, caring person. Not like Hafyz. When I asked Hafyz to post back my cap, his response was:
[18:00, 26/07/2021] Hafyz: I can give you the cap if and when I see you next - sending a cap by post would cost me I believe
Yes, all of £3.20. Royal Mail 2nd Class. If £3.20 was a deal breaker for him, it shows how little he cared about me.
Time to update Andy. And respond to those 2 gig musicians.
Last night was a bit of a whirlwind. And I am still trying to convince myself that it was not a dream, a hallucination or a vivid acid flash. We took things fast. How far? Just about as far as they could possibly go. Is that good or bad? Well, I am not sure. All morning, I have been feeling weird about it. I have been awake since 6. I tried to get back to sleep but my mind was off on a spin, going crazy. I gave up trying to sleep at 7:45. And I have been journalling non stop since.
Did he come to mine? Yes, he came back to mine. I wanted him to stay over (as he lives far away, in Cambridge), but he insisted on catching his last train. I would have liked to talk things through with him this morning. But he is gone now.
Do I want to call him? I guess I want him to call me. Yes, I prefer to wait. I did ask him to message me when he arrives home safe. But no point chasing him. It is a typical situation, manifested. I did ask him a lot of honest, pertinent questions. I guess that I was trying to take care of myself and protect myself by doing so.
Did he ask me any questions? I cannot remember much. It is all a blur. He did ask me questions. And he pressed his ear to my face and listened earnestly. He seemed to be into what I was saying. That is good. But we grew intense. I put music on and sang to him. And he sent me off in a dizzy, giddy spin. From my messages to my friend James (in Retro Bar), I traced that Sid & I started kissing within the 1st hour of meeting one another. I cannot remember how it all started. We were in the Yard Bar. 2 hours into the date, we were in the Welly, but we needed to get a room.
Do I think that he was too easy? Maybe, or maybe he just wanted a shag and that is it? I am not sure, I did grill him quite considerably. To see if he had a hidden agenda. But I could not find one. He just seemed a simple, nice guy. Not particularly deep or thoughtful. Sometimes, you just click. Yes, it was pretty explosive. I saw stars. And now I am wondering what the karma is. Like trying to come down gently from a high place. Andy suggests that this was my karma. I must have been a good boy previously. Maybe. I had 2 shoddy "relationships" this summer that both ended badly. So maybe this was my payback. Or maybe because I have been swiping for over a month and it has been pretty dry in August. I do not know. I find that I attract these guys who come into my life, tease me, torment me, teach me something, deliver a message...and disappear. Like a hologram. I do not want to control other people.
As long as we learn something from them, we still grow. Yes, that is the main thing. That is why I am not chasing him. The problem that I have is that he bought all of these chocolate cupcakes and forgot to take them with him. So he had nothing to eat on the train journey home. Now, I desperately want to post them to him (as I do not like chocolate that much). And I feel so bad that he paid for everything (food & drink) and did not finish most of it.
Andy suggests donating them to a food bank. That is a good idea. I remember now that the organisers (Libby + Lois) at the London Bisexuals picnic were discussing similar yesterday regarding the snacks that they supplied for the picnic. It is funny that Andy mentioned it. Maybe money does not matter much for Sid.
Andy suggests writing to him when I have donated them. Yes, that is a good idea. That can be my plan B. For if he does not get in touch. I need to stop manifesting these disappearing guys. Or maybe not judge it or think of this situation as such, but to be OK whichever way it plays out. That is the trick of strengthening myself. I must be OK with him. I must be OK without him. He is only one guy.
[13:47, 12/07/2019] LA: You need to be ok with him or without him
True. We have to stay open minded. He may be as dizzy as I am now. Yes, he may be, or he may feel embarrassed. He kept apologising about how drunk he was. I feel a little embarrassed too that we took it fast. But I am ok with it. He was pursuing me and messaging me all week. I have seen this before. It is a charm offensive. Now that he has what he wants, he may drop the mask.
Andy suggests that he was not too drunk to top. No, I went top. Badly. 😂 😆
I am a vers-bottom. But I am terrible at sex anyway. So, it does not make much of a difference to me. He is a lot younger than me (by 7 years). But enough of an age gap for me to feel secure.
Clearly, I am not asexual? Maybe, or maybe I find it difficult and there may be a spectrum of asexuality / frigidity. I tend to caress more than sex...it is INTENSE. I scare most guys off. I do not know what it is I do to them, just super-sensory stuff, I guess, I prefer the aesthetic side of it.
It is good to talk it through. I have been feeling weird all morning. I guess that this is what drunken flings do to us, 😍😝
Additional options for chocolate cupcakes (in addition to the 3 options listed above):
The more in which I think about that last option, the more sense that it seems to make. Yesterday, the organisers of London Bisexuals were talking about donating leftover food to a food bank. Last night, Sid left his cupcakes behind. Today, I am "organising a picnic". Which Rob may or may not attend. I could take the cupcakes with me. Depending on whether or not Sid is in touch by this afternoon (as a test of time), I could donate the cupcakes to both the picnic and possibly Rob (if he shows up). Full circle. That way, I would be killing 3 birds with 1 stone:
I spoke to Andy on the phone and relayed this idea to him. He thought that it was brilliant. When I mentioned the "taking care of my guilty feelings", Andy reminded me that Rob had recently declared his singularity on a WhatsApp group.
[23:06, 08/09/2021] Rob: No babe happy single x
Subsequently, if he is messaging me last night asking if I still want him in my life, this is sending me mixed messages. I have a right to clarify where I stand with him. Andy insists that I did not "cheat" on Rob. He says that I have no need to apologise. He says that if anyone needs to apologise, it is Rob. For confusing me. Although I agree that I am beating myself up, I do not agree that Rob needs to apologise. I said to Andy that I am being stupid. Andy insists that I am not being stupid. He reminds me that I am doing that self-deprecating (Self Subjugation) thing again. Beating myself up over something without needing to.
We talked about the cupcakes fiasco. Andy pointed out that if I offer to post the cupcakes back to Sid, it might come across and be interpreted as sarcastic. Like "take your cupcakes with you, scumbag". This is something that we ("aspies") need to be careful about. Although our intentions are well-meant, our actions might be interpreted as a rejection. Sam. Classic example. If they were posh Harrods cupcakes, yes, maybe it might be worth posting them back. But if they are cheap Tesco ones, it is not worth it. I briefly alluded to Hafyz and the fact that he would not return my cap for the sake of £3.20. Which shows how little he cared about me. I mean, £3.20. Royal Mail 2nd Class. Come on! Actually, the fact that he has the hat still is something that I am quite pleased about. As an eternal memorial / reminder of how little Hafyz cares about other people (Yasmin, another classic example). People coming into our lives to teach us something? With the cap scenario, it is similar. If it were one of my designer Inaayayi caps, I might make more of an effort. But as it is a cheap, Primark cap, I do not think that I will lose any sleep over it. 😅
What was my rationale? I thought that it would be a kind, caring gesture. Andy asked me if I have heard from Sid since he left last night. I said no. Andy pointed out that if I want to show Sid my kindness, I need to check that he got home safely and that he is alright. We drafted a message together on the phone. I felt anxious about sending him a message because that might be putting myself out there unnecessarily. Andy suggested that Sid might be sat at home thinking the same thing! One of us has to make a move. I thanked Andy and said that I would think on it for a couple of hours. And do it when I am feeling stronger. Andy told me not to delay any further. I have already left it too late. Send it NOW.
[13:07, 12/09/2021] Rory Duffy: I hope you got home safely and I hope you’re ok? 🙂
OK, done. ✅
If he does reply, I can continue with "Sweetie, you left your cupcakes! What would you like me to do with them?" LOL.
Meanwhile, I am meeting Rob at this afternoon's picnic. We will have a chance to hang out. I can choose to reveal or not reveal, depending on how comfortable I feel.
I Googled "gay dating disappearing man syndrome" and found this article. While it does not provide any solutions (maybe the "solution" is simply to perceive it in a "glass half full" way), it provides some comfort and insight. Last night, I did not do anything wrong. But maybe Sid's attitude towards me might change, now that we have engaged in sexual activity. It might be a mixture of confusion, shame, embarrassment (about being led to bed so easily) and regret that he has set a precedent through his flirting. This is understandable. It is nothing on me. It is on him. I acted as that catalyst for him to realise that. But what have I learned from it?
Ever met a guy online just to have him disappear without a trace? This writer says too many gay and bi men take the easy way out and simply "ghost."
BY SAMUEL C. SPITALE
OCTOBER 13 2015 5:30 AM EDT
In the world of online dating, it’s not uncommon for a conversation to progress to exchanging phone numbers or talking for hours or even scheduling a date, only to have the other person inexplicably disappear.
It can leave you feeling frustrated, even disrespected. You try not to take it personally. After all, the opposite of love is not hate but indifference. Sometimes, indifference can sting, like when offering to trade face pics, instead of reciprocation, you get blocked.
Or when someone demands a cock shot. When I politely explain I don’t take those (call me old-fashioned), the conversation abruptly ends, and with it, any chance of meeting.
When did it become mandatory to preview every pubic hair before connecting with another person? I asked the last guy who did this why an X-rated pic was a prerequisite. He explained, “I’ve been burned before.” I wasn’t sure if that meant he caught an STD, encountered a penis limp from leprosy, or just was wholly disappointed by someone's anatomy, but I couldn’t imagine that when he met a guy at a bar he demanded a sneak peek before taking him home.
Perhaps the sheer volume of people online has made it easier to abandon someone once it’s clear all their boxes won’t be checked. This behavior, while not ideal, predominates the digital world. It’s part of playing the game, whose rules have taken a considerable dive in decorum.
The problem of the broken transmission has now reached pandemic proportions. It has successfully made the leap into the physical world, and it’s no longer the result of an awkward coffee date or drunken mistake.
The last two guys I met at social events pulled the same stunt. Online avoidance is one thing, but when a guy strikes up a conversation in a bar and gives you his number only to disappear after texting, it's simply rude.
If you’ve actively dated in the last 10 years, you’ve likely felt the sting of ghosting — when someone ends a friendship or a relationship by cutting off all forms of communication, without so much as an explanation, a reason, or a sayonara emoji.
Ghosting is the ultimate silent treatment, and it can even occur after several months or years of dating. It had me wondering how often ghosting occurs when meeting in person versus meeting online. So I crunched some numbers. I went through all the phone numbers I received in my first 18 months in Los Angeles and divided them into two categories: met in person and met online.
Out of the 16 individuals I met in person and had a romantic interest in, I met only eight for dinner, drinks, or coffee. The rest ghosted me. Out of 93 phone numbers I received from chatting with individuals online, I met 45 for coffee, drinks, or frozen yogurt. I was ghosted by 35. And I admit to ghosting three.
Next I broke down the online sites to see which had the highest ghosting rate. The following is the percentage of ghosting out of total cell numbers received:
Adam4Adam: 50 percent
Scruff: 50 percent
Jack'd: 33 percent
Grindr: 25 percent
OKCupid: 25 percent
Tinder: 20 percent
In person: 50 percent
That’s right — for me, the likelihood of being ghosted is greater when meeting in a bar than when meeting on Grindr.
Ghosting is essentially avoidance that stems from fear of confrontation. When the ghost avoids the formality of a breakup, he may spare himself discomfort, but it is magnified for the ghosted, who never achieve a sense of closure. They are left to obsess over their insecurities, second-guess their behavior, and misattribute what went wrong.
Just as people with avoidant personality disorder avoid activities that involve criticism, disapproval, or rejection, ghosts withdraw to protect themselves. It is the coward’s way out. And the price we pay is empathy.
According to psychologist and science journalist Daniel Goleman, emotional intelligence can matter more than IQ in the measure of one’s abilities and success. EQ is characterized by empathy, impulse control, and social competence in our interpersonal interactions. It’s about managing our feelings and communicating effectively. These are qualities we, as a species, should be getting better at, not worse.
But in the world of romantic relationships, the silent treatment is the new Dear John, without the effort or common decency of penning a letter. In an age when so much communication is impersonal (texts, emails, Facebook), these digital tools facilitate and reinforce the inconsiderate behavior. It’s a lot easier to ignore a phone message or a tweet than it is a human being. This is painfully clear on social media, where the ghost continues communicating with everyone else in cyberspace, avoiding the ghosted much like we ignore the homeless on our streets. There’s a bitter irony that as gays we demand a level of respect from the straight world, but we often don’t give each other that same respect.
Rory spent the first few years of his life in an ice cave, carving out his palace of wonder. He's a bit of a love doll, but he who melts the ice shall have his reward.
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I have been recommended to acknowledge and process all that I have been though, where it all started from how it has affected me.