I will go blond again in summer 💇♂️💛 once the hair dressers open. Though LV would do a better job on my hair... 😝
LV loves my natural hair. He says that I am blond. He remembers my eyelashes. He says that they are blond. Natural blond. With beautiful green eyes. He says that the hair on my arms is gold. My eyebrows. Everything golden.
I remember the touch of his skin. So soft and smooth. I wanted to protect him.
LV says that I am cute. 😍
He remembers when he talked to me and touched my arms. Apparently, I looked at him weird and asked "why are you touching me?" LV said "here is a hot country, and we have the custom to touch people when we talk". He finds the difference in our cultures interesting. For me, touch is something intimate. He draws the comparisons between the heat of the Brazilians from Rio and the exaggerated way in which they speak, touch and hold everyone. He perceives that this lessens the value and makes it banal. He compares it to the cooler touch of the Europeans.
He remembers a lot more than I do. I might have felt afraid, afraid of what I was feeling.
[22:50, 21/10/2019] LV: But you was closed, and in a love vibration, I really was in this love vibration too
I was trapped in a "love vibration".
It is important for me to say “I love you” without fear.
He loves me 💖
Someday, somehow in this or in another life, we will see each other again. We do not know each other too much. But he feels something pure in my heart.
Something that makes him feel good.
Something that he believes.
It is almost a fantasy, a dream.
Maybe the distance makes it happen. But he thinks that it is something more.
I love him too. 💕
He makes me feel giddy (is it OK to say this?).
Believe in it ☺️ believe in the love 💗
We can be whoever we want to be.
LV feels the same about me as I do about him.
Every time that we have this conversation, I feel like I ought to mention his husband. But I stop myself, because that might disrupt the balance. Ruin the mood. Destroy the atmosphere. If he feels this way for me, where does this leave his husband? Is it a convenience marriage? Is he allowed to feel this strength of love for more than one person?
I wanted to say "let us make it happen" but I am unsure of the practicalities.
I thought about the Eleusinian mysteries. Demeter and Persephone. How she spent a number of months above the surface and a number of months beneath the surface. What would be my ideal scenario? I would spend 4 months (January-April) in Brazil. LV would spend 4 months (May-August) in the UK. That would leave 4 months (September-December) where we would be pining for one another. That sounds sensible and healthy.
When Avi & I kissed for the first time, it felt so wrong yet so right. I felt reckless. There was something erotic and dangerous. Something dark. For some reason, the first 2 thoughts that came into my head were:
Avi reminded me of LV. This might have been why I fell for him so heavily. Because of what happened with LV. I believed that I had found someone who was on this side of the Atlantic.
I am doing whatever it takes to let go. If I consciously try to "let go" of what happened, I will never be able to "let go". I must find other ways.
I feel loved. Despite the distance. Love with a tinge of sadness. The most important thing is that I feel loved. Somehow, it makes everything in life a little bit easier. I must hold on to that.
I mentioned to CB about what I said to HZ regarding love being transient, ephemeral and starting with oneself. Her immediate reaction was "true".
Perhaps what I said to HZ was not so bad after all? I thought that my statement might be interpreted as not loving myself. Or speaking out of experience. I was simply too aware of Manifestation that I forgot to consider that there are other, more positive interpretations, too. On 05/03/2021, I was worrying for no reason!
[08:24, 04/11/2020] Rory Duffy: Yes, it is very honest. Love comes and goes. Nothing is final, everything is transient and ephemeral. It starts with oneself 💕
We watched a vintage public information service video about the 3 psychological forces:
The 3rd one depicted a succession of events in which the guy was cursing after getting a cocktail mix wrong, tripping over a hedge, not being able to fix his car and arguing with his little brother over a letter. It made me think about some of the things that I have experienced in my life. I have tabbed it in here.
It made me realise that I often blame the things that are around me, rather than dissect them with a clear head and try to clinically understand what is going on. I lost control of my emotions.
It reminds me that I cannot control what happens to me. I can only control my emotional response to them.
Blaming people and things is a symptom of Projection. It plays into the Eternal Victim mindset.
I related my experiences with Miz ignoring me and my line manager teasing me. In both scenarios, I can take it in the best way that I can.
The key is:
How am I going to respond without allowing those things to happen to me? What am I going to do to ensure that those things do not happen to me?
CB highlighted that Miz might not have been in a good place, mentally. While I appreciate this, I will not let this become my problem. By questioning whether or not she received my messages, I was taking care of myself.
Rory spent the first few years of his life in an ice cave, carving out his palace of wonder. He's a bit of a love doll, but he who melts the ice shall have his reward.
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I have been recommended to acknowledge and process all that I have been though, where it all started from how it has affected me.