Just logging another Avi dream. Again, the exact details are hazy and abstract. But I remember that this dream lasted a long time. We had a lot of stuff to sort out. In the dream, we met in person. He stayed overnight at my flat. We did not share a bed. He slept on the camp bed below my high sleeper.
There was an agenda to reverse / undo everything that happened on the 28th March, 2019, particularly the part where I expressed my wish for him to "not take advantage of me". In the dream, I needed to clarify / explain to him that I was not blaming him for "taking advantage of me" and that it was an inadvertent projection that happened when I was not feeling particularly strong. Because I thought that there had been a misunderstanding. In the past, I had felt "taken advantage of" by guys and this was all that I knew. I never thought that someone could care about me in that way. I let myself believe in him.
[22/03/2019, 09:53:00] Avi: 😘
By the end of the dream, we managed to get back to some sort of friendship status. At one point, I think that he even held my hand, like he did when we were leaving Abuzaad, Shepherd's Bush (his initiative, I recall).
I woke up and remembered what Sonia said about him sticking by me regardless of any "slip up" that I make. And that if he were the right guy for me, things like that should not have mattered.
[16/01/2020, 16:22:07] Rory Duffy: I’m being incredibly careful what I say nowadays…I no longer have the confidence in my own words in case I say something wrong. How can I trust anyone anymore? If you said I could be honest with you then make such profound judgement of me over something I said that it gave you second thoughts (if that’s what happened, still yet to confirm this?)
Is this how things are going to be from now on? There was something someone else said - a mental health consultant at Living Well Network (back in 2016) - about me building another layer of armour. In life, I have become guarded because I have had to build more layers of armour, strengthen my shell. The mental health consultant observed that the more guarded that I have become, the less likely that I am to put myself out there in the world or venture myself among other people. I cannot work out whether this is a good thing or a bad thing. Is this what was meant about "protecting myself"?
[11:31, 23/06/2019] Sonia: But every time you do something that goes wrong, you are making tweaks
I am worried that there has been a massive misinterpretation on my part. In 2009, when I met LV in Brazil, I explained to my Swedish friend at the hostel that every time someone gets me out of my shell, my natural instinct is to withdraw. Have I been "tweaking my armour" in this sense? Or have I acted too late every time? Let someone further in, do their damage and, in tweaking my armour, internalise that damage even more? Am I layer upon layer of armour and damage? Like a lasagne? By tweaking my armour, am I constantly withdrawing myself further and further such that I no longer remain open, close up and limit myself from letting something happen with someone in the future? Is this the cycle that is preventing me from being in a happy, stable relationship?
I can see how the Avi relationship almost broke me. I let myself believe that he felt a certain way about me (which, perhaps, he did, or so he attests).
[12/01/2020, 12:26:07] Avi: I meant every word I said or wrote, i was expressing what I was feeling at the moment back then. Maybe I did it too strongly, and maybe this would be my lesson, not to express everything that occurs to you, but I do back everything I said and wrote because I know that I meant it.
Perhaps (like I was only starting to accept that someone could feel a certain way about me) he simply could not accept that I felt a certain way about him? Or could not express in words how he felt about me?
[26/03/2019, 18:14:07] Rory Duffy: I don't know how to put into words about how I feel about you 😝
I might never know for sure.
Is my rumination preventing me from meeting anyone else in the future? Or is it strengthening me so that I am better prepared for meeting someone in the future?
2 years later, I can see how I am still internalising the grief when he "dropped the act" and "unveiled the mask". This might be the projection talking; the compounded internalisation process that has been happening through my life projected onto Avi. The only difference is that this time, I am tracking myself (documenting what happened and my thoughts).
I am doing the right things.
Keep writing. Keep thinking it through. 🤔
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Rory spent the first few years of his life in an ice cave, carving out his palace of wonder. He's a bit of a love doll, but he who melts the ice shall have their reward.
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I have been recommended to acknowledge and process all that I have been though, where it all started from how it has affected me.