Just logging another Avi dream. I suppose that this is to be expected. Last night, I finally bit the bullet and plucked up the courage to re-join Tinder. It was playing on my mind as I went to bed. He has not yet come up in my Tinder swipes. But if / when he does, I will be ready. 🦋
This dream lasted a lot longer, although the details are becoming less clear throughout the morning. In the dream, as is a frequent recurring pattern, he started messaging me again. We managed to almost get back to the blissful state of affairs when we kissed (Read More: Avi 4). I also received 2 missed calls from my MH Champion who was somehow there helping me through the process.
Avi Voice Message
[18/03/2019, 12:37:29] Avi: 🌹
I keep thinking that I want him back. Emotionally, I am still thinking of him. Half hoping that he will come up when I swipe. And that I could send him a 🌹
Like he used to send me.
Why did I lose him to begin with? Because I told him that I loved him. I remember my regret, my remorse and how I wished that I could take back what I said. But I also remember that I must stop punishing myself / beating myself up. What for? Telling him that I loved him. Trusting him with my feelings. It is not like I said anything bad or offensive. It is not like we had an argument or a row.
Anyway, I thought that this love was the whole game plan, the reason why he was chasing me to begin with. The object. The end goal. I thought that those words were what he wanted me to say. Did I say something that put him off? Did seal our fate simply by saying yes? By docilely going along with his plan? If he did not want my love, what else did he want from me? My validation?
All of these questions indicate that I do not value myself enough. His behaviour seems so inconsistent that I am not allowing myself to heal and accept that he had feelings for me. Why am I focused on whether or not he would take me back (for saying that I loved him)? And not given a moment's thought to whether I would take him back?
I am open. I am able to show someone my love with the pure innocence of a child. And I am vulnerable, yes. By trusting someone, I am putting myself in a position where my mustered feelings might be rejected.
Had I not kept the evidence, I might have written off the whole affair as an elaborate April Fool's Joke. No, it was more than that. It was an innocent game that went horribly wrong. If it went so wrong, what was the alternative, intended result?
Here are some songs that I have produced recently:
Rory spent the first few years of his life in an ice cave, carving out his palace of wonder. He's a bit of a love doll, but he who melts the ice shall have his reward.
332 Brixton Road
Samaritans, 24 hours, on 116123 or email:
I have been recommended to acknowledge and process all that I have been though, where it all started from how it has affected me.