[08:08, 16/08/2021] Rory Duffy: Hey Megan. I am aware that I said a lot of things that I shouldn't have said, I was upset and quite triggered on Saturday night. Sorry for those messages. 😓
What have I learned from Megan?
The part about wanting to become a woman makes sense to me now. It always seemed like Hafyz was not sure of who he was or what he wanted. We were doing fine, but he slammed down the breaks for no apparent reason (other than the "moving too fast"). He tried to define and label our relationship. He said that he could not be with anyone right now because of the move and everything else. A week later, I found him on Tinder. Now, he is in Heaven and out for what he can get.
Megan describes Hafyz as "promiscuous" and "self-involved". She showed me the photo of them standing together. My heart melted at his cute smile. But we acknowledged that this is all that he is, a pretty face. It is a false façade. An empty shell, nothing else. There is no-one actually there beneath that façade. Sometimes, I talk about human bodies being occupied by spirits like they are possessed. Hafyz was simply a temptation. I need not be fooled by a pretty face! I was about to talk about the snake in the Garden of Eden (like I did with Roger, back in 2016). At this point, Megan told me that apparently, on Saturday night, Hafyz described himself as the "forbidden fruit". It is strange how the thought about the snake occurred to me a moment before Megan relayed what Hafyz said to me. It is almost like I predicted it. Several times, Megan reiterated that I do not deserve someone like him. I deserve someone better who will take care of me. I vouched that he did not hurt me but that I was hurt by him. He did not do anything wrong or bad. He was completely up front with me. But I needed to see him for what he was. As a test or a challenge. In my last messages to him, I told him that I knew myself well enough to know that I could show love and appreciation towards a person without feeling the need to define or label what I feel or expect the same back in return.
[16:43, 26/07/2021] Rory Duffy: I know myself well enough that I can show love and appreciation towards a person without feeling the need to define or label what I feel or expect the same back from the other person in return. I respect your boundaries so please feel free to decide what you want and go with it. 🙏
While this may or may not be true, it seems to me that Hafyz does not know what love is.
Out of all of the guys who I have been involved with, Hafyz is the only one who has no soul. I need to be happy with him or happy without him.
[13:53, 15/08/2021] Hafyz: Hi I called you will you be able to call me back?
With regards to the missed phone call and messages, I could let my curiosity get the better of me and find out exactly what Hafyz wanted to talk to me about. However, I do not feel a particular motivation or desire to do so. If he truly wanted and needed to speak with me, he could message me. He has not done so. This makes me less curious about what he has to say. The most likely possibility is that he feels like he messed up with Yasmin and wanted to give me his version of events (before CW and Megan could do so). That way, I might not judge him or think any less of him. I guess that he is too late. Mental note for future: observe the subject and how they interact with other people.
[23:24, 14/08/2021] Rory Duffy: If he has any self respect he will intervene
Sometimes, when I am under the influence of alcohol, my demons come out and I let rip on WhatsApp. I become a keyboard warrior. When I was left outside the club, I was on my own with nothing but a walk home and my phone to keep me company. I had half a dozen beers sloshing around inside me. It was a lethal combination. It is no wonder that I might have made some dramatic proclamations on WhatsApp that were triggering (both for me and the target audience). Megan did not mind at all. She assures me that I did nothing wrong. She has asked to message her or call her whenever I feel like talking. I have asked her to do the same.
Circle of irony.
Which brings me back to this: why should I apologise or be made to feel guilty simply for kissing someone and expressing love and action towards them?
Kissing sends me off in a spin of euphoria. It alleviates my depression but increases my anxiety. Some clinics have suggested that I might have elements of Bipolar condition (not "disorder", which is too much of a negative connotation). I experience extreme highs and lows. When I experience anxiety, I put myself in psychological or physical danger by virtue of manifestation. It increases my expectations. The unhealthy relationship that I have with myself is such that the anxiety triggers a mechanism within me. I try to take control of a situation. I end up sabotaging or breaking it in some way. Through my "poisonous" touch.
[11:58, 02/11/2019] Victoria: You are such a horrible person
[24/03/2019, 16:45:30] Avi: Are you alright?
Rather like when Avi Taler kissed me on 23/03/2019. On 28/03/2019, he expressed concern for my wellbeing because of my messages and the fact that I had used the word "giddy". Last night, I had a dream about Avi Taler (which has not happened in months). In the dream, he transitioned into a woman and listened to my composition on SoundCloud. This might have been triggered by what Megan said about Hafyz wanting to transition into a woman. These guys are not sure of themselves.
The same pattern with Avi Taler has repeated itself with Hafyz. I feel love intensely to the extent that it scares the guy away. Watch this video (posted by HZ, whose birthday it was yesterday).
In order to love another person, I must love myself. In order to make someone happy, I must make myself happy. The most important relationship that I will ever have in life is with myself.
A couple of years ago, I experienced psychosis. The first hallucination was during my second overdose on 10/07/2019. I had cleared out my bathroom cupboard. I was sat up against a tree in Vauxhall Pleasure Gardens. I cannot remember how I arrived there. Ephemeral figures were drifting into my midst. But as they entered my field of vision, they disappeared. I was aware that there were certain messages that I needed to respond to. I quickly responded to those messages because I had the sudden sensation that I might evaporate into thin air if I did not. Such was the fragility of my trust in humanity, in myself. I was fragmented, transient and ephemeral. I also thought that my mum was coming to collect me when she was at home near Bristol (I was in London).
My mind was all over the place. I believed that I was being controlled by higher powers. My girlfriends were the manifestations of angels. My boyfriends were the manifestations of demons. All of these manifestations were ironic repetitions of recurring patterns in my life. Some of my girlfriends defected to the dark side and became dark angels. I was a medium. The angels and demons were passing messages to one another through myself acting as a medium. They were deliberating my future but not telling me my future. Instead forcing me to witness it unravel. They knew my destiny but I did not understand why they kept it from me.
In my second hallucination (17/10/2019), some of my exes appeared as office desk chairs. They were tormenting and teasing me with their silent, resolute presences. I was prostrating myself before them and asking them to take me now. I felt out of control. I needed other people to take control of my mind. To sit in the driving seat and let me become a passenger for a while. Just to give me a break from thinking. I also believed that these boyfriends were vexations of the same spirit. And that I was interacting with different aspects (faces) of the same underlying malevolent spirit who was sent to Earth to test me. My care coordinator helped me to understand that these beliefs about being controlled by external forces arose out of a lack in Self Esteem.
[18:52, 15/07/2021] Hafyz: Lol peroni’s my favourite beer
Another future faking, flag waving fool leading me on? Hafyz even talked about us going ice skating in the winter. 👻 🚩
Even during my lucidity, I believe in these convictions. My depression only serves to accentuate them. My disconnection from life and preoccupation with angels, demons and destiny became so acute that my mum considered having me sectioned. People believed that I was a risk to myself. I could not keep myself safe.
When I was a child, I experienced delirious episodes. When I had flu, the virus affected my mind as well as my body. The strongest experience was when I believed that the Earth was inflatable and filled with nothing but air and helium. It was swelling and I had the overriding sensation that if a pin dropped, the world would go BOOM. Other delirious episodes tended to be more abstract. I had the sensation that I was huge and that the objects in the room around me were so tiny that I might crunch them. Or the reverse. Where objects in the room would become large and disproportionate. Even in the darkness, I was overwhelmed with the sight and sensation of every detail on their surface.
With paranoia, I left my phone upstairs. I was downstairs. I believed that there were disenchanted fools listening to my every move through my phone. When I was in the street, I would seize up whenever someone crossed my path. As if they were about to attack me. All day Sunday, I felt paranoid that Hafyz had somehow read my messages and wanted to question me about them. I can understand how and why this has come about. The experience of sitting there petrified watching people making assessments of my character during the WhatsApp takedown on 4th August was enough to drive anyone to paranoia.
With depression, I think of it like a fragmented vase. We are delicate and breakable ceramics. When we experience depression, it is like the pieces of our lives (job, home, family, friends, relationships, hobbies and interests) become fragmented and separated. We start to feel detached from the world. Like we are observers simply going through the motions. It becomes hard for us to reconcile the different aspects of our lives. Because our lives are shattered. We lose that central core of energy (the glue) that holds these pieces together. This is why rediscovering ourselves through an alter-ego can help. An alter-ego is part of our personality (an extension) that has become separated from the rest of us. Rather like one of those ceramic pieces that has broken off from the vase. If we can tap into an alter-ego or persona, we can find an outlet for expressing ourselves in a new and different way. In the words of Atomic Kitten, this can help us to feel whole again.
This is why clothes are so important to me. When I was at the beginning of my depression (April 2019), Sonia advised me to go on a shopping spree. To pamper myself.
[12:14, 11/06/2019] Rory Duffy: I also did what you advised and took myself on a shopping trip, been shopping online, pimping up, pampering myself a bit
A month later, I told Victoria that my main fear was growing old.
Time is passing too fast for me, the summer will be gone in a flash and deep down my main fear now is growing old.
Victoria did not respond to that. As advised, I tried to make myself happy. Victoria could not see where I was coming from.
Like the shattered vase: the more that I hear snippets of information about Hafyz and about what happened on Saturday night, the more that I realise that he exhibits the self-indulgent characteristics of a person who is out for what he can get and cannot show me or anyone sufficient care or love to make a fulfilling relationship. And the less interest that I have in him. And the better I feel about myself not being around him. When we first met, he described himself as "self involved". This was a warning sign. Early on, he asked me to follow his Instagram. Another alarm bell. Although I felt disconcerted, I went along with it because I did not wish to judge or feel bad about anything. Maybe that was simply his way of making friends?
[14:15, 17/07/2021] Hafyz: Are you following me on Instagram?
But it only sucked me in further. It was healthy of me to get away from Hafyz before I became too sucked in. At some level, he realised that he could not give me the affection that I desired and he did not wish to hurt me. He detected my vulnerability. He interpreted my vulnerability (my kisses) as putting him on a pedestal of expectation. Like others have interpreted previously. They cannot handle my affections. They do not know how to show care. Like others, Hafyz pushed me away.
On Sunday, Hafyz wanted to speak with me (for some reason). I have kept my distance. Why? Because I am not obtaining enough validation or comfort out of our friendship to warrant me speaking to him. Maybe in the future, when I am hurting a little less, I might pluck up the courage to ask him to return my cap. Or, I might tell him to keep it because I can easily find another one. As a euphemism for easily finding another bloke like him. He is not different or special. I used to think that he was. But the mask has been removed. And the spark and wonderment has died out. I could do better than him. I am not avoiding him indefinitely. At some point, I will reply. When the time feels right. I am taking my time. I do not feel ready yet. At some point, I will feel ready. Right now, I feel unsafe and uncomfortable about Hafyz. I must take care of myself.
His birthday is coming up soon. He is a Libra. I will see on Facebook. Maybe then? 01/10/21
Why should people judge or feel afraid or threatened when we talk about depression and suicidal ideation? Why does society disengage and shy away from such topics? Why is the default to block or ban (on the basis that such topics are triggering for certain group members) when people simply need an outlet to talk and express themselves? Rather than alienating / isolating / segregating them even more than they feel already? Would that not want to make someone even more likely to go through with it? Where is the love? All that it takes is a little kindness. A friend. Sometimes, people make it feel like this is too much to ask. We must show compassion to ourselves and one another.
I have much love to give. One day, I hope that I will find someone who will appreciate and reciprocate that love. Obviously, it is impossible for Nathan to speak into this situation without knowing Hafyz or the situation. But Nathan would say that with everything that happened between us all of those years ago, he had no doubt then and has no doubt now that I am being entirely truthful and authentic about my feelings and desires and never played him false or unkindly; all of the unkindness and falsehood was on his part, because he was not being truthful about his own feelings and desires, and found it impossible to deal with what was happening between us. He knows that I find this difficult to accept but *I did nothing wrong* - it was all him, and he still admires how honest and open I was with him all the way along, when he hurt me so badly.
With Hafyz, I have again only been my true, authentic, lovely self and - regardless of how he has responded - that is something to be celebrated, not to feel guilt or regret over. Nathan is sorry that Hafyz has not been able or willing to respond to me in the way that I deserve, but that is on Hafyz, not on me. As Nathan and I both now, a relationship can only be a mutual blessing if both parties are committed to revealing their true selves to one another. Nathan has no doubt that this is all that I have ever done, and he wishes that Hafyz had been the person to do the same for me.
Nathan has no great advice, other than to somehow find a way to celebrate my wonderful and inspiring commitment to be truthful and authentic, even amidst heartbreak. Relationships are complicated. Nathan has been dating a guy since the start of this year, and there is much that is absolutely glorious and thrilling, but also much that is terrifying and exposing about opening oneself up to hurting someone and being hurt yourself. Is it worth it? History, poetry and stories seem to tell us that it is. But we must work it out for ourselves.
Rory spent the first few years of his life in an ice cave, carving out his palace of wonder. He's a bit of a love doll, but he who melts the ice shall have his reward.
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I have been recommended to acknowledge and process all that I have been though, where it all started from how it has affected me.