[18/03/2019, 10:33:43] Avi: I'm so happy we met yesterday. It was so spontaneous and chilled, your presence makes me feel very relaxed and balanced... There was that line about me getting travel expenses that made you smile widely and it was so nice! I thought to myself I should make you smile more! And stop talking serious stuff only.
Probably give the home show a miss. It is too triggering. Given that we kissed after the London Home Show 2.5 years ago. Living for now is more important. Rob wants me to go on the bike ride with him at 1pm. He is the closest that I have ever grown with anyone.
Seriously, I have been receiving all of these emails from suppliers at the London Home Show. They all want my money of course. But what they do not know is that I earn less than their minimum household income required for a mortgage (around £50K). Who do they think that they are trying to please? More flag waving.
If I ever get to a salary that high, it will not be for another 7 years. And my current plan is not to live beyond the next 6 years. I need to find a reason to continue living. And, so far, I have not got one.
It does not matter. If I randomly disappear in 6 years.
[27/05/2019, 09:39:11] Avi: Happy birthday! May all your dreams come true! Take care and be happy! 🌹🎈🎈🎉🎊🎁🎁🎈🍾🎂
At least I will be happy, happy to go then, that is the most important thing, Without having to try any further. I put so much effort into life that I do not give myself a chance.
I must learn to live for NOW. For the moment. Otherwise, what is the point in living?
I want this journal to document my pain. Because if I die in 6 years, I want that pain to be known and recognised for what it is.
I found this article "How to Avoid Falling for a One Night Stand"
But I resisted recreating it here. Why? Because I do not agree with it. The fundamental problem that I have with this article is that it seems to invalidate the possibility that genuine feelings could arise from a one night stand. And that this could be something good. And positive. It seems to perpetuate inadvertent mustered feelings as something negative. And encourages people to "shut down" the other person. Barricading a relationship from developing. To go against what they might be feeling deep down. Ultimately, it seems to be siding with all of those guys who I have pulled (or who have pulled me) in its encouragement of not to pursue anything further with me, despite the feelings that they might have for me. In short: it goes against LOVE. It encourages fear. Fear of falling in love and getting hurt. Yet the article fails to recognise that this fear is precisely what creates that eventuality. And it encourages people to fear more. And recreate their pain. By painting their quest for love as vain. All of the things that I have feared and manifested. They are in that article. And it is encouraging that to develop.
What is WRONG with falling for a one night stand? It happens. We can try to control our emotions. But ultimately, love wins over. What is the point in fighting it?
Rory spent the first few years of his life in an ice cave, carving out his palace of wonder. He's a bit of a love doll, but he who melts the ice shall have his reward.
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I have been recommended to acknowledge and process all that I have been though, where it all started from how it has affected me.