Just logging another Avi dream. In this one, he did something similar to me as what I did to him on 01/01/2020. He posted a eulogy of me and sent me the links. It was almost like I wanted him to do that so that I could see myself from his perspective. It was slightly different as he wrote the whole thing on a physical pamphlet and made me aware of it via Facebook (rather than WhatsApp). In the dream, I thought about what to say in response to his message. But I looked down and saw that I had already said something without even thinking it. It gave me the impression that I lose control of my thoughts and that they simply happen without me trying. Like my thoughts are speaking on behalf of myself. Like I am getting ahead of myself. However, I had responded favourably and thanked him for making me aware.
[17:47, 09/03/2020] Rory Duffy: Dear Avi,
I do not know why I am logging these dreams or what I hope to achieve. I guess that this is all part of the mindfulness process.
This weekend, I met a lot of people. It was a sociable weekend. I talked. I listened. I laughed. I cried 2x.
Saturday afternoon and evening culminated in me and my new friend Gemma sitting on sun loungers in Green Park until half 11. I told her about Avi. I shed a few more tears about it. I recounted how I was resistant at first, afraid to let anyone in, but he kept pushing and pushing until I dropped my guard. I explained that I had said and done everything that I possibly could have said and done and that I had no regrets. I expressed my wish that he could see me now. A drunken emotional wreck. She showed kindness, empathy and understanding. I was tempted to apologise for spilling my guts to her when we had only met one another. But I thought "why should I apologise for the person who I have become?" I am hurting. That has become part of who I am. Any friend or understanding person would accept me for who I am - both the joy and the sadness - every part of me.
23:18 Avi: It wasn't! Don't be sorry
I did not apologise. There was nothing for me to apologise for. I am an emotional person. There is nothing weak or shameful about showing my emotions. I try to be the best version of myself. I listen to my friends and I try to help them whenever and wherever possible. But I cannot be strong all of the time. Sometimes, I need to be supported by new friends as well. I think that she could see that. We seemed to click and have a similar outlook on life. We felt like we had met one another before. Someone was looking out for me and sent an angel into my life.
[20:34, 17/04/2021] +44: Can you find somewhere for dinner?
I might have said some "crazy" things to Faye on Saturday evening (possibly about HZ). It is OK. We were drinking. I cannot remember most of what I said. If I cannot remember, she most certainly will not remember. On Sunday morning, I was considering asking her what she remembered of our conversation. But I caught myself and thought "why should I apologise to my friends for who I am?" I was hungover. The alcohol sent me loopy. I thought about what Lorena said to me a few years ago. That when I drink, I go "crazy". Well, maybe I am "crazy". And the alcohol simply enhances my "craziness". I go to extremes. Other people might perceive this as "craziness" when it is simply a Black & White mentality of extremes.
[17:15, 23/10/2019] LV: The first thing you must to know
I also cried a bit on Sunday afternoon. My friend & I were talking about relationships and mental health over an all-day breakfast. I was telling him about how I got into this cycle of thinking where I thought that the messages were being passed between my angels, demons and dark angels. And how these thoughts and beliefs arose from my lack of self esteem. Thinking that there was a grand conspiracy against me and that I was being tested by higher powers. A voice in my head told me that I should not be telling people about this kind of stuff because it is too "heavy". But again, this is me. This is who I am, who I have become. Why should I hide any particular part of me? My friend was asking me questions about Avi. I was explaining to him how he could not accept that I was not going to be hurt, how he could not accept how he was not going to hurt me and how this became a Self Fulfilling Prophecy, cemented my convictions and affected those other relationships since then, until my inner child decided that enough was enough. He was a Soul Contract who came into my life to make me aware of my internal turmoil. The pain was there waiting for him. I needed to feel it in order to heal it. When I mentioned to my friend about my psychosis, all of a sudden, it felt real and close again. For a moment, I became little breathless and I had to stop talking. It was painful. Painful in a good way. Because I have come a long way since then. These were tears of relief. And insight.
I think that the more that I talk about this stuff with people, the easier that it becomes. I will keep talking through the Avi situation with people. It lessens the pain. I want people to know how it has affected me because it is freeing me even more from the pain to be able to talk about it openly. The more that I can get it "out there", the less internalised that it becomes, and the less power that it has over me.
My friend made the interesting point that we are like books. OK, well, not all of us have a book inside of us. But we have words. And we can be "read".
[11:17, 14/02/2020] Rory Duffy: 📚📖
On Saturday morning, I met some new guys, one of which I took to. We were talking about mindfulness, manifestation and the "predicting the future" element. At one point, I apologetically said that this is deep conversation for a Sunday morning. But this is precisely the stuff that I need to talk about and why I am arranging these Meetup events in the first place. I am a deep person. Why should I pretend to be something that I am not? Thoughts are like liquid. They cannot be controlled. But I can control myself by containing my thoughts in a vessel. If this translates as choosing extra carefully who I share this with, my intuition told me that there was no problem sharing this with a bunch of guys who I do not know well. If it is on the terms of my vision quest. Because I have developed the confidence to share without having the fear of rejection - this means not even taking rejection into the equation of how I perceive a situation. This is a long way from how I was before, where I thought that I was somehow jinxing circumstances simply by thinking about them in the "wrong" way. There is still an element of that in my thinking. Gradually, I am learning how to stop caring while continuing to notice.
Rory spent the first few years of his life in an ice cave, carving out his palace of wonder. He's a bit of a love doll, but he who melts the ice shall have his reward.
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I have been recommended to acknowledge and process all that I have been though, where it all started from how it has affected me.