The events going on in that Heaven nightclub with those people was pretty dark, it does not help Megan getting caught up in all of that. No wonder she felt unsafe, I wish that she had come with me. Heaven is not a safe environment for sensitive people. I do not know how much she witnessed of what happened. I know that she was not with them for long. From what she told me, it was pretty macabre in there. I am quite glad that I did not get in, the universe intervened to protect me. It would have been hard for me to see that. There might have been other "ghosts of the past" in there, too, drifting around in the dark. Waiting to jump out at me. 👻 🚩
Imagine if Avi Taler were in there? And I ran into him? Over the last two years, I have had dreams about him. In one of those dreams, he was in Heaven nightclub. This was before I realised that these dreams were becoming more frequent. Hence, why it is not already recorded in here. In this dream, I followed him all the way from his home (college boarding house) into Heaven nightclub.
No thanks. A gay nightclub. A place to meet your exes.
A graveyard, indeed. Creased. 💀
It does seem to be the worst place to go if you are feeling low. Imagine what it would be like at Halloween? 😱
Did Hafyz manage to talk to me? No. I conveniently arranged to "forget". He did not follow up. Possibly the last time that I will ever hear from him. I have accepted that. For my personal protection and sanity. Probably for the best. He is already on to his next conquest. CW still stands by him being an "awful human". So many ironies. Both of our recent dates ended up pulling one another. And here we are talking about them. It is actually quite beautiful and perfect in some weird and twisted way. Well, if we could count them as such (as "dates").
I do not think that it is important. Most likely Yasmin drama. I came up with five possible reasons. But I did not let my curiosity get the better of me. What were they?
Today is Thursday. I need to get on the app. Thursday Dating. The one where you have to reject people for more people to appear. And then says "you have been busy! Give us some money please!" 😂
Tireni has used it. After a while, he deleted it. There does not seem to be many gay guys on it. He recommended it to me! He did? Yes, when we were in Green Park, he told me about it. So, I checked it out as advised. 😁 👌
In the beginning, Tireni had a good experience. But after a few weeks, it dried up, Well, Tinder, OKCupid and Bumble have run out of potential matches for me. I have swiped through every guy in London. Tireni thinks that Tinder will have more. They never seem to show you everyone at once. The others are less popular. So, simple maths.
Maybe I should start contacting my exes and seeing if I can rekindle things? See if they will take me back? They are my exes for a reason. Maybe the question should be see if I will take them back? I never wanted them to be exes in the first place but they gave me no choice. Tireni advises me to "move on".
Trust me, I try. 😪
I am feeling tired of life. Maybe I need to give dating and Meetup a break? I have been pummelling away for a long time. Yesterday evening, I attended the Soho Coffee Posse Meetup (even though I was not feeling up to it). I went for the sake of going / having something to do because I was bored. If nothing else, a relaxing stroll along the river and a nice cup of coffee to remind me of the beautiful city in which I live. I ended up counting my calories and pennies. At the Meetup, I met a handsome guy (probably my age) who I had met at a previous Meetup that I had hosted last Saturday. I could not even remember his name or where he came from. Such is my tiredness of meeting new guys. Although I was attracted to him, I felt oddly resistant and not in the mood for talking to yet another guy who I might develop an embarrassing crush on.
There I am, manifesting again. Why should it be "embarrassing"? Why should I shame myself for how I am feeling? Because I have been shamed in the past. And I have internalised that shame. 01/10/21
Even as I entertained myself with the thought, I simply did not have the energy to deal with the anxiety over deciding whether this was a potential dating / hookup situation or whether he was only there to make friends. It feels draining. Maybe I should not be around gay men for a while if they are such a trigger for me? However, we ended up sat next to one another. And we did end up talking for quite a considerable part of the evening. He was giving me loads of advice on my tech and programming career. I could not care less. I told him that I was not feeling particularly driven or motivated. All that I wanted to do was play the saxophone.
Why have I been resisting taking a break? Maybe to resist the notion of giving up and feeling like a failure? Which would provide all the more reason to admit defeat and commit suicide. Next May, I turn 35. Which is the birthday on which I planned to order the drugs (to be taken 5 years after that). I do not know how many people are still aware or remember my intention to slip away quietly into the night on my 40th birthday. Why do I want to end my life? What a waste! I have much to give. Yet I am trying to fit into a world where I do not fit in. A world that does not need me. I have experienced depression throughout my life. Ever since I was a child. What is the point of living out all of these years feeling unhappy when I could simply end it sooner?
Rory Duffy is at Tito's.
Regarding tomorrow's South Lambeth Bar Crawl, I have shared it on Meetup (all 3 groups) + LooseEnders + various WhatsApp groups. Why am I doing this? To find a partner? To find another Avi Taler? Still? Am I going about it in a typically tenuous and long winded way ("round the houses" as my English teacher used to describe my essays)? I have not had much interest despite all of the thought that I put into it. Perhaps I am focusing too much on the negatives? After all, I only scheduled it in a couple of days in advance. Perhaps it is too short notice? Perhaps everyone else is already "busy"? I would like to know why. Tomorrow, I needed something to do because there seems to be nothing else happening. There is no GaySocial. Yet no-one is available. Where have all of the people gone? What on Earth is everyone else doing? And why am I not involved in whatever they are doing?
[08/03/2019, 16:46:45] Avi: Did I say something that put you off?
People tell me that I need to "move on". I have tried. Many times. It has been 2 years. Why should I be looking for someone else when we were good together? Just because I said something wrong? People might tell me that they are exes for a reason. And that we were clearly not good together. I would like to know what that reason might be. At the moment, I am still left with the lesson to not tell the guy that I love them. It might break everything. As it has done every single time that I have even given someone an inkling of how I felt. Why should I have to apologise for loving someone? Why should I have to live without love?
[15:24, 19/08/2021] Alex: If they have this available, I will sing this at next week's karaoke 😁 Couldn't get a more appropriate title could we 😃
I can articulate happiness, joy and positivity on an everyday, surface-level basis. But deep down, I do not understand where my unhappiness comes from. Is it because certain people have come into my life and passed me observations of my perceived unhappiness (Read More: 06/08/2021)? And I have listened to those "messengers"? Rather than listening to my own inner judgement? Or is it simply tiredness?
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
What did I say? I told Avi Taler that I wanted to make him happy. In return, he said that in order to make him happy, I must first make myself happy. A few days later, he said that I said some things that stressed him out. Maybe what I said something that triggered him as much as it triggered me? How else could the dynamic change so much over something that I said in the heat of the moment when I was not feeling particularly strong? I lost him. 2 years later, I am still looking for him.
Rory spent the first few years of his life in an ice cave, carving out his palace of wonder. He's a bit of a love doll, but he who melts the ice shall have his reward.
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I have been recommended to acknowledge and process all that I have been though, where it all started from how it has affected me.