I have slept on it.
Friday night, Sam was ill. Saturday night, Sam was getting "drunk as fuck" with his friend. What is going on here? He should not be drinking if he is ill. Something is not right. This shows that I am listening to his actions as well as his words. Big tick ✅
I had this whole beautiful evening planned. All of that thought went into it. Potentially, it was wasted on Sam. Nothing to say that the thought could be recycled on Sam or someone or anyone else who is more deserving. It would be interesting to see if Sam is up for sticking to the original plan or insists on doing something else (= thought wasted). If he pursues the idea of seeing me, I might revert to the original plan as a test to gauge his response. I can test him without playing games with him.
I must look after myself. Yes, he might be physically attractive but this does not necessarily mean that he is the right guy for me simply because he likes me. If he is stressing me out, I am under no obligation to do anything with him right now. I can use his narrative (other guy, job, illness) as a get-out cue but in a way that leaves the door ajar and allows him time to sort himself. That way, I am showing that I am serious about him and not prepared to have my time and emotions messed around while keeping my options open (I still have Thursday Dating). Even if I did push him away ever so slightly, there is still the likelihood that we still bump into one another at the gym.
The above drafted messages are putting it in a way that is polite and respectful. Allowing him to have that choice and freedom to do what he wishes. While gently letting me off the hook. If I pretend that I have other options (even if I do not have other options). If I show that I care more about his wellbeing than I do about the relationship.
Today, my plan is to hold off responding to see if he gets in touch again. Concentrate on my music. Then, I will think about whether I am prepared to hold off responding until next Friday when I see Tom. If I feel good about the situation, I can always update Tom and see what he thinks. There is of course the possibility that Tom cancels his attendance on Friday and I am relying on external sources. Nothing to say that I cannot update Tom via WhatsApp. Again, I am thinking too far into the future and speculating. I will cross that bridge when I come to it.
Basically, there is no urgency or pressure to respond to Sam until I feel that I am absolutely 100% ready to respond. This is what looking after myself is all about. Why should we feel the need to define something without first letting ourselves live?
Rob has messaged me asking me about today's barbecue. I feel much more inclined to respond to him straight away without having to think through anything. This is what a relationship is all about. Over the last 2 years, we have built up trust. Even though our relationship is less carnal than it was before, it is true what was said in the sermon at my cousin's wedding. True love is what happens after being in love has passed.
Sam sent me a message and deleted it at 2:06. So he was thinking about me at 2:06 in the morning. Do I care? Is it enough for me?
Back in adolescence, a so-called "school friend" once said to me: "Rory, you must lower your standards."
Why should I?
Any developments? No. Not since that deleted message at 2:06. His deleting of messages means that he is hiding things from me. For me, that is not a problem. He does not know me. Why would he trust me? Although it is not the healthiest foundation for a strong relationship (if that is what he is looking for). If he wants to talk, he will talk. Let him do the talking.
Regardless, I am not worried about Sam. I feel bad for him. He seems a little insecure. Maybe he does not know how to form relationships. He seemed to be defining something before letting it grow and happen naturally. I need someone who is more sure of himself. I may message him later next week to see how he is doing. Right now, I am lacking the motivation and interest to do so.
Yesterday, I finished arranging 15 charts. Today, I am on course to finish the other 10. I also went on a run and bought veggie burgers at Sainsbury's. I have increased next Friday's Meetup guest list from 18 to 24 people and now there are 30 people signed up. I am feeling good. There is much more to life than worrying or wasting my energies on one guy.
I am not intending to never respond to Sam. But there is not enough information to go off. So far, he has expressed many times that he would like to see me. 2x I have suggested Thursday and received shady ambiguous responses and meaningless gameplay. Best stick to my guns. If he truly feels keen on seeing me and "building a connection", he will compromise. Given that he bailed on Friday and got smashed on Saturday, it probably does not hurt to leave it another week. Let him figure out what he wants.
If taking my time inadvertently makes him think that I am not interested in him (not intentional), this is something that he might interpret, which I cannot control. If he is genuinely interested in me and manages to overcome his own insecurities, he will be back. If he is nothing but hard out for validation (which he seems to be) and wishes to sleep around, let him. I can still behave nicely and respectfully towards him without giving him my validation. If I am getting nothing back in return.
Draft to send next Friday if I am bored and have not heard from him by then:
[20/06/2021, 02:06:11] Sam: This message was deleted.
It turns out that I did not need to respond immediately. Before I had the chance to formulate my response, Sam came back. My initial thought was to ask him the same question back in return. Then I thought, well, what do I owe him at this point? I could simply answer his question and not ask the same question back in return. At least I am polite and courteous enough to respond. Without giving away too much. Like I did with ML.
ML sent April 5
Rory spent the first few years of his life in an ice cave, carving out his palace of wonder. He's a bit of a love doll, but he who melts the ice shall have his reward.
332 Brixton Road
Samaritans, 24 hours, on 116123 or email:
I have been recommended to acknowledge and process all that I have been though, where it all started from how it has affected me.