I am struggling to not think that he is acting dishonestly or deceptively in any way. Because I know that this might be a symptom of my projection. In the past, I have been future faked, groomed, led on and used for the end purpose of someone else's experimentation or validation.
Or have I? On 21/10/2019, LV rightfully pointed out that the feeling of being "used" is a state of mind. And that maybe I did not process properly what had happened before. Which has led me to thinking this way.
[22:39, 21/10/2019] LV: But you seem have problems with sex
My perceived state of unhappiness, which has become a negative manifestation.
I have the power to define or respond to this situation in whichever way I wish. Either, I can let projection win and lose him (or someone, or anyone) forever. Or, I can recognise that there might be a double projection going on and that he is playing games with me precisely to protect himself, because he has also been hurt and has similar reservations about me?
I must remind myself that there is nothing necessarily bad or wrong with validation. We all want to feel loved and wanted.
The problem is that there is a lapse in communication. Neither of us knows how to move forwards. Sam is deleting his WhatsApp messages. I am taking my time to reply. Sam thinks that the delay means that I am not interested in him. I think that the deleting means that he is hiding things from me. Whichever way we look at it, one of us might end up feeling hurt.
It only takes one of us to step up and be the stronger man, give the other a lifeline.
I want to see him, but maybe this week is not a great idea. The possibility that I might agree to Wednesday and he might bail on me again. How would that make me feel? I have not suggested Wednesday as an option. Yet he seems to think that I am available on Wednesday without me even suggesting it in the first place. If I relent and agree to meet him on Wednesday, I might be putting myself in a vulnerable position. Why should I put myself in a vulnerable position for someone I barely know?
I have decided to nip it in the bud and give him a clear, unambiguous response 💪
[21/06/2021, 15:15:24] Rory Duffy: Hey Sam let's meet next week. Concentrate on meeting your friend this week and starting your new job. You have a lot on and there is no rush, I can wait. 😌 hope you're having a good day xx
At least that way, he knows that I am conscientious about needing to get back to him. I am not leaving him in the dark. I am giving him some time and space. It is a nice message.
It buys me some much-needed breathing time to take a step back and gain a clearer perspective on things.
It will stand as a test if he is genuinely serious / interested in me enough to wait and see if he contacts me next week.
[21/06/2021, 15:30:00] Sam: Ok
Well, that says a lot... Now, how to respond? 🤔
[21/06/2021, 16:06:57] Sam: Good afternoon rory I hope you're doing good I just want to tell you What I hear as I am quite strong and have no shame in showing What I feel generally with every one Which she as if anything it's a sign of strength and bravery but unfortunately sometimes it can come across Wrong and give the The illusion to the person I am dating or to a friend of mine, that I am to intens or desperate for that person And and fortunately sometimes it makes their head bigger And sometimes they get a bit full of themselves And sometimes they get a bit full of themselves which is unfortunately a deal breaker for me As when I date someone I dont just randomly date anyone! I date someone I think he/she is totally worth me investing in him, But on the other hand he must definitely appreciate me and value me too! and not get carried away by my funny messages that can come across as intense! Obviously I dont mean that you have or acted like that! However I am for sure very sorry if I made you uncomfortable or made you feel Like I am this pretty in love with you or anything wierd or so. And that doesn't mean that all that I dont care as it's not ture.
[21/06/2021, 16:08:20] Sam: <attached: 00000400-AUDIO-2021-06-21-16-08-20.opus>
I am struggling. This is happening too quickly. 😢
I am finding it all a bit too much to process in such a short space of time.
He thinks that I am ghosting him. This is not the case at all. I am taking my time. I feel under pressure to respond in the heat of the moment. I have every intention to respond. But I need time.
Maybe this is the problem with the relationship? He acts before thinking. And I think before acting.
I want to contact someone. But I do not know who. I feel like I am putting pressure on people. Burdening them with my relationship worries.
The problem is, we are now in danger of slipping into the territory where the conversation becomes dominated by heavy relationship talk. Defining something before it has even existed. We have met only once! And suddenly he is requiring answers!
Having said that, I do feel the need to address Sam's concerns. I feel worried that I am letting it slip by pausing for thought. How much of the above should I reveal to him?
I need advice. I do not know who to ask. I want to send up a smoke signal. But I am worried that if I post on Facebook, he might see it (even though we are not yet Facebook friends).
The problem within myself is separating what has happened in my past from what is happening now.
Sometimes, I am so afraid of letting history repeat itself (for fear of saying or doing the wrong thing) that I forget to live. I slow down and ground to a halt completely. It is suffocating.
[23:04, 21/10/2019] LV: You need to live, Rory
[21/06/2021, 15:31:47] Sam: No worries if you don't wanna meet up at all as well, I won't die... I'm highly demanded in the market 😜😂 have a good day
I think that this was OK. I have not heard from my MH Champions or any of my friends. I had to say something and say it quickly without thinking too much on it. That is me taking people's advice about living and not thinking too much. OK? Now you have the proof that I do take people's advice. I have done the best that I can. The best is all that I can do. I hope that I have said all of the right things. If I have not, I have learned something for the next time. Sometimes it is wise to bite the bullet and say what is on my mind without withholding too much.
I made a slight typo in the penultimate sentence, which I have quickly corrected.
[21/06/2021, 17:25:06] Rory Duffy: Hey Sam, thank you for putting me in the picture about all of this...
I think that it is good that I am trying to draw a line under my past. Think positively about the relationship at hand and draw a separation between then and now. Give it a chance. Rather than making a judgement about a person or a situation based on something that happened in the past. Having read my entries over the last few days, I seem to be labelling or judging too much. Yes, it is wise to protect myself from being hurt. And that is the mechanism through which I am doing that. Identifying patterns of behaviour and learning when to recognise them. But the problem is that I have been protecting myself to such an extent (by labelling and judging) that I am preventing a future from ever having the chance to develop.
It seems to me like he might be struggling with similar issues and it is up to one of us to break the cycle.
It is good to take things at face value. Try to address Sam's concerns in a sweet, caring and sensitive way.
If I end up pandering (by saying "I hope that this is enough for you"), it is a compromise that I must make for the relationship. And a risk: as long as I consider the possibility that I might reciprocate and experience rejection and how this might make me feel. Consider both possibilities neutrally without pre-empting the outcome. And be prepared to take that risk. Knowing that I have no other options. But that I have done everything within myself to be the best possible version of myself regardless of how the other person might respond.
I do not need to delve into the fact that I have felt hurt in the past. Who has not felt hurt in the past? Saying that is like bringing it up all again. Manifesting it into existence. Or accusing one of doing something that another has done because one's behaviour reminds me of another in my past. Confusing the tenses.
Equally, there is no need to say "feel free to date other people" because it is effectively asking him to do precisely that. Putting his feelings above my own. Not giving myself a chance. That is self-subjugation to the extreme. Sometimes, I self-subjugate without even recognising that self-subjugating is what I am doing. Because it has become so natural to me. Of course I might feel jealous if he started dating other people! Why would I bring that into the consciousness and give him the opportunity to take that liberty? It is not far from saying "I am not enough for you, please date someone else".
I have returned from my run.
Instantly, I can see on my WhatsApp that Sam has already responded. But I am deliberately returning here before looking so that I can capture my thoughts.
The 1st thought that I had on my run was that I should have added him on Facebook when I sent that message. But then I thought that he has not yet reciprocated my friendship. Why should I offer my friendship to him 2x? Remember, baby steps.
I think that there feels like too much of a tendency to define or label something before it has come into fruition. No one needs to make a decision now about whether or not to keep in touch. That is like limiting ourselves into a box and restricting our choices. 2 years ago, I used to think like that. Instantly making a judgement based on how quickly someone responded to me. Or pressurising them into making a decision one way or the other. Having experienced that myself, I know for sure that this is a product of insecurity.
I do not see dating like a "market". We are not "commodities". We are human beings. With lives. Families. Friends. Jobs. Homes. Interests. Hobbies. Passions. Values. Beliefs. We are not "products". to be bought and sold. Anyone who tries to reduce me or themselves as such is only causing pain and a need for there to be validation in the first place. Is it any wonder that we are forced into thinking that we need to justify ourselves and our existence in this world?
On the way back from my run, I thought about the compromises that could be made. Once we have established some trust, we can move on to deciding when and where we are meeting and what we are doing. Perhaps I was a little uncompromising and inflexible in my resolve to stick exactly to Friday's planned itinerary as a test. Maybe that was the real reason that he cancelled? I might not know for sure. But maybe, if I feel stronger, I can give that decision to him rather than making it on both of our behalves. That is a more measured, balanced way about things. It has to be mutual.
If he agrees to meet, I can tell him that I am free on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. And let him do the deciding.
It is encouraging that he wants a connection and a relationship. But these things do not happen overnight. They take time to grow and certain compromises need to be made. Maybe this is one of those compromises.
I should let him know that he can ask me any question that he wants. I might take time to get back to him. It is never a reflection on him. But it only means that I am processing it. And I will always, always answer any question to the best of my ability. This seems to be my relationship motto! I said the same to Rob, JR and effectively Avi Taler ("you can talk to me"). Communication seems to be my byword.
Now, time to see what he has said...
[21/06/2021, 18:02:33] Sam: <attached: 00000405-AUDIO-2021-06-21-18-02-33.opus>
I am almost in tears. 😂
In a good way... The message is everything that I expected and more. I feel a lot better.
But wait... There is more...
[21/06/2021, 19:00:06] Sam: Also can I be 100% honest with you? 😘
[21/06/2021, 19:00:06] Sam: Also can I be 100% honest with you? 😘
[21/06/2021, 19:09:42] Sam: <attached: 00000410-AUDIO-2021-06-21-19-09-42.opus>
I have responded but it is taking me a while to update everything, I will leave it here for now...
Rory spent the first few years of his life in an ice cave, carving out his palace of wonder. He's a bit of a love doll, but he who melts the ice shall have his reward.
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Samaritans, 24 hours, on 116123 or email:
I have been recommended to acknowledge and process all that I have been though, where it all started from how it has affected me.