[22/06/2021, 08:35:29] Sam: Whatsha doing tomorrow btw?
[22/06/2021, 08:41:21] Sam: <attached: 00000449-AUDIO-2021-06-22-08-41-21.opus>
[22/06/2021, 08:41:54] Sam: <attached: 00000450-AUDIO-2021-06-22-08-41-54.opus>
[22/06/2021, 08:42:25] Sam: <attached: 00000451-AUDIO-2021-06-22-08-42-25.opus>
[22/06/2021, 08:44:43] Sam: <attached: 00000453-AUDIO-2021-06-22-08-44-43.opus>
[22/06/2021, 08:45:10] Sam: <attached: 00000454-AUDIO-2021-06-22-08-45-10.opus>
[22/06/2021, 08:45:34] Sam: <attached: 00000455-AUDIO-2021-06-22-08-45-34.opus>
[22/06/2021, 08:46:26] Sam: <attached: 00000456-AUDIO-2021-06-22-08-46-26.opus>
[22/06/2021, 08:50:06] Sam: <attached: 00000459-AUDIO-2021-06-22-08-50-06.opus>
This morning, Sam asked me what I am up to tomorrow. Immediately, I said "relaxing". He asked excuse me? I clarified what I was doing to relax. His reaction (above) was a little extreme.
Before, I said that I did not think I was enough for him. I think that I do not live up to his expectations. Or he has high expectations / presumptions of me that I cannot live up to.
He said something about me needing to change. I am not going to let any guy change me. Perhaps the fact that I am doing my normal routine (shopping, running, gym) and talking about loneliness (in general) makes him feel threatened? Because he sees that I am an independent guy, strong and happy enough within myself to be on my own? And that I am putting the rest of my life above my relationship? He might feel threatened about that.
The reason that I talked about my personal routine stuff was to show him that this is my idea of “relaxing”. I am OCD about the colour-coordination of my shirts. And keeping on top of the game in terms of my exercising / workout. Some people might say that this is not a way of “relaxing” and make a joke about it. The reason for telling him that was to reveal something about myself in the hope that he might see the humour behind it. Apart from the fact that these are important, positive facts about me that anyone getting to know me might learn about me. I thought that he wanted to get to know me? But he took it the wrong way. He might have interpreted it as a passive aggressive “dig” that I do not care about him. Or that I should not prioritise my own life above him. Well, why should I? I have only met the guy once. Yes, I know that it is important to invest in a relationship to some extent, but there is no reason why I should feel obliged or pressurised into meeting him this week. Especially if all that I receive is negativity from him in return. My main concern was expectations management. If he feels that I already cancelled this week, the last thing that I want to do is raise his expectations and disappoint him again. Stick with the original plan (meeting next week) for simplicity. Maybe this is why a plan is necessary to have in the first place. It is a measure to see if he does still want to talk or be involved with me next week or whether I am simply nothing more than a passing ship to him.
Sam wants a long-term connection. I understand that. But he seems to be preoccupied and forgetting what that is. A connection or a relationship (however we wish to label it) does not happen overnight. It takes time to build naturally. If I let him overstep my boundaries by coercing me into meeting him on Wednesday, it is not the healthiest foundation upon which to build any sort of relationship. I made that mistake before by letting Avi Taler talk me into seeing him rather than going to the gym (Read More: Avi 5). If I am feeling pressurised and letting him overstep my boundaries. It might pave the grounds for an abusive relationship.
If he wants me to think about what I have said, I will, of course. But at the moment, I am withholding an apology. I do not see any reason why I should apologise. I have said nothing wrong.
He seems to have a negative outlook on life. In his view of “dating” being like a “market”. We are a product of our own beliefs and expectations. He does not seem to value or appreciate me. I feel like he has latched on to me and I am there purely for his validation, pleasure and disposal. He does not seem genuinely interested in me. If he were, he might have asked me questions about my music, my drawing, my writing, my salsa dancing, my running, my gym routine, the groups that I run or any of the other countless interests and hobbies (obsessions) that I pursue. Or ask me to elaborate on my statements on topics like loneliness or patience. Talk about something not nothing. Things that matter. Talking about the spark dying next week? I think that he has brought about that fate himself. Simply by talking about it.
On the other hand, he is probably having a bad day. Understandably so, given what he is going through with the hospital. Later, he might feel bad about what he said to me. For vocalising into reality a promise / resolution that he will never speak to me again. And that is fine. I have not taken any of it personally. I am more than happy to speak to him again. No one is forcing him. I think that he might have a different outlook on life to what I have. And that is OK. Who am I to judge? It does not mean that we cannot still have a connection. It might not be the connection that he was hoping for. But is that not more worthwhile than having no connection at all?
There is nothing that I need to do apart from take each message at face value, one by one. And simply observe without judgement. See if he responds to the Facebook friend request. Or blocks me. There is nothing that I can do about that. I cannot control him or his actions, in any way. All that I can do is control myself. There might be compromises that I can make, for the sake of our relationship. But will they be worth it, if I am receiving all of this stress in return? Where do I draw the line? Have I not just spent the whole of yesterday evening and this morning imbuing my time, thought and energy on showing kindness and empathy to someone who might not have any understanding of those terms? When I have people in the office who I want to catch up with? I am surrounded by so many wonderful people in my life. Why do I need him? I am not even upset at what Sam said. I am almost beyond caring. At some point, I might well sit down and look at it properly because I am a caring person. But I probably will not need to think much into it.
I find Sam's behaviour heated and impulsive. Or he is simply too scared of experiencing rejection to realise that his fear is only serving to put him in a position of experiencing rejection. He seems to fly off the handle at the slightest word or provocation. I can still distance myself from him slightly. Until I feel safe around him. Without having to become too involved in him.
Words to give Sam if he responds.
- Have a think about what you want and whether you think that I can provide that for you.
Even if you change your conscious mind, the universe will still respond to what you are attracted to subconsciously. The universe responds to subconscious energy. The counter-reverse should be stronger if you want to change it.
Last week, I was talking about my shopping experience at UNIQLO. This week, a guy blocks me because I would rather go shopping than see him. TC asked if if thought / expected him to do that. Reading what I wrote this morning, I seemed to have predicted that.
Do we ever find ourselves predicting the future? It’s not that we are "predicting the future". It is that we are in touch with our own energy, the universe's energy and how the two energies interplay. It is not that we can see into the future. It is that we are sensitive. Our minds are supplanted in the future. Sometimes, it is frustrating. Other people might see it as a power or a privilege. But it is not when we feel out of control of the future. This is why it is important to take back that control. This is why, when we feel drained, lacking in energy, it is wise to pause and reflect.
It is not the facts themselves that are the delimiter of the circumstances. It is the energy that attracts and creates those circumstances. Law Of Attraction
Even if she has said that they are available and someone else buys them within the next 4 hours, I will have prepared myself.
TC was talking about attracting money, but time can also be attracted in the same way. My reservation about Sam is that he has not been allowing me the time. Nice as he might seem on the surface, he is experiencing his own inner turmoil and he cannot see beyond that. To allow anyone else to have that time and space. To respect someone else’s boundaries. The fact that I have stood my ground with him is a positive. It shows that I am not willing to let a stranger compromise my boundaries. It is not me preventing a relationship from happening at all. But maybe, despite his good words and intentions, he is not ready for a relationship with anyone after all. If it were not me, he might encounter exactly the same problem with the next guy, and the one after that. I have listened to his actions. His actions have spoken differently from his words.
I respond to energy. At the moment, I am receiving negative energy from Sam. It might be that his medical condition is affecting his mental and emotional wellbeing. That is understandable. The other day, he sent me a voice note (which he has since deleted) asking me if I am OK physically, mentally and emotionally. The first thought that popped into my mind was that he should be asking himself that question. It was a reflection. This is why, when he cancelled the date on Friday, I was more concerned about his wellbeing than the cancelled date. I told him that he must rest and take care of himself. He might have interpreted that as a rejection (which it was not at all). I was transforming the cancelled date into a window of opportunity to show him my kindness and sensitivity. Perhaps my perceived resistance to reschedule was merely a reflection of the negative energy that he was showing to me in return. Subconsciously, I might have sensed that he was not quite ready to meet me on Friday. Yes, he has an illness and this is the primary, conscious reason for the cancellation. He acted insistent and defensive about that despite me agreeing with it. But dig deeper and there might be something within his subconscious that kicked in, which might have been related to the illness. A deep insecurity. A physical reaction to a negative mental or emotional energy? I cannot speculate with certainty. But also the fact that I recognised this energy, and was able to deflect it away from myself. I wanted to wait a week. What is the rush or urgency to meet this week? By acting impulsively, are we not destroying whatever bond that we managed to salvage yesterday? It is not about us meeting. It is about us respecting one another's boundaries, our need for time and space. Being in a relationship is as much about respecting the other person’s independence without feeling insecure or having to be with that person all of the time. It should enhance life and not provide the foundation for it. My relationship with Rob is such that I might not hear from him for days or weeks, but I know that he will be back in touch eventually. Such is the strength of our friendship and our connection. However much I might regret it not being as romantic as it was when we first began. At the moment, I find Sam exude volatility and fragility. It seems like he shows willingness to throw me away at the slightest drop of a hat based on something small that I said. A neutral answer to an open-ended question. That is not something that I can prevent. But talking about me throwing his messages into the garbage. That is how he feels about himself. There is nothing that I can do. Flying off the handle so easily at the slightest provocation (“tomorrow, I am doing XYZ”) and interpreting what I am doing through a negative lens (“not meeting him”) provides an insight into his troubled mindset and his inability to cope with people or relationships.
[20:29, 09/07/2019] JR: Hey
[13:17, 12/07/2019]: How do you explain to yourself / justify / rationalise giving another person this much control over your own mental state? He didn’t cheat on you, break up with you, he wasn’t mean, so I’m finding it difficult to understand how the effect of those words could be so strong
I know! I have been in Sam's shoes! That time when JR told me that he could not meet me tonight. I overdosed. That was my way of dealing with it. I did not overdose because of JR. It was because of me and my own insecurities. LA rightly pointed out that I needed to strengthen myself mentally and emotionally. She could not understand why one man (as great as he is) could have such a massive influence over my mental health. Or how one thing that was said could trigger me like that. I do not know what has happened in Sam’s past. I do not know why he came out of that relationship. Perhaps I will never know. He might not wish to talk to me again let alone tell me. There is not enough of an open dialogue. There is not enough room for listening. He seems closed. But I think that there is a certain power in being able to listen and not necessarily talk all of the time. What is that meme? If you talk, you might learn nothing. But if you listen you might learn something new.
Throughout the day, I keep a TextEdit document open. I write whatever is on my mind. Personal stuff. Friendships. Relationships. If I find myself consumed by something, I simply capture my thoughts in writing. That way, I can identify patterns BOTH in what is happening AND how I am responding to it. So that I can learn something for the next time. What about music? Why not write some songs? Yes, that is an option. But music throws up a technical minefield of complexities. It does not mean that it does not happen at some stage. Yes, I have written songs about my exes. But there is something extremely powerful about putting it into words instantly. Taking something from within myself and putting it outside of myself. Once it is out there, it is no longer inside of me and it has less power over me. Months later, it becomes trivialised. I read back over my journal entries and see what I was thinking. I wonder why I was worrying about it. It is a tool for self-strengthening. Empowering myself. All of those things that LA advised me to do. I am tougher than I was before. Acting (not being) strong is not about sending confrontational messages or exuding authority over others. Hiding behind the mask of aggression disguised as false honesty. It is about quietly listening and making conscious choices about how I choose to inwardly perceive the outer world.
Equally, I think that it is important to take the time to write positive reviews.
It has been a long, tough pandemic and there are many shops and small businesses out there struggling to make ends meet. It is important for me to praise and commend everyday, honest and hardworking people for their efforts. It is vital for their dedication to the trade to be recognised, even in the smallest of ways, regardless of how much time has elapsed since I made a purchase.
Men Casual Elastic Waist Harem Pants
At some point, I will sit down and go through all of my Amazon purchases and write positive reviews. If I can spare 5 minutes of my day, why not use those 5 minutes to help someone else? Otherwise, it is a pocket of wasted time and energy. I have time on my hands to give. Kindness does not cost anything, it is free. I know that there are potentially greater things that I can do to help others. But there is always a starting point. And maybe, if I start small, with one small act of kindness, it might lead onto bigger and better acts of kindness. It is as much about increasing my capacity and potential to give as much as it is increasing what it is that I give.
What is manifestation? It is about raising your vibration to be in sync with what you want. In practical terms, this can mean changing your language. Or expressing something in a certain way so that it becomes believable. And becomes a reality.
Back in March, I said that I am not ready to date. But I realised that the reason that I was not ready to date was because I was telling myself that I was not ready to date. I was limiting myself through my own perception of myself. All that I needed to do was make a subtle shift in my self-perception. In practical terms, this meant asking myself the question. Well, when AM I ready? Why not start now? What have I got to lose when I can choose to make the rest of my life the best of my life?
How have I changed my language? I am replacing the word "be" with the word "act". Both verbally and literally. It is not easy, especially verbally. On many occasions, I have felt the need to outwardly correct myself while speaking to other people. But it has transformed the way in which I perceive others. I am not name calling as much as I used to. Instead, I am focusing on behaviours as aspects (rather than as inherent qualities) of people. In doing so, I am learning to practise empathy by understanding behaviours within the context of experiences. Ultimately, it is helping me to feel more at peace and connected with others
Rory spent the first few years of his life in an ice cave, carving out his palace of wonder. He's a bit of a love doll, but he who melts the ice shall have his reward.
332 Brixton Road
Samaritans, 24 hours, on 116123 or email:
I have been recommended to acknowledge and process all that I have been though, where it all started from how it has affected me.