At the moment, the love life is not really happening. But that is OK. 😌
I am concentrating on being myself. Taking stock of what has happened in my life. Trying to understand where the stumbling block is.
[22:40, 21/10/2019] LV: You look shame when the talk is about sex
My trigger is disappearing men. My conception of love, sex and intimacy is tinted with shame. Not because of the act itself. But because I associate love, sex and intimacy inextricably with the notion of disappearing. Being tricked into becoming "the awkward Love Fool". Falling in love, infatuation and being left wanting when (not if - such is my condition of thinking) the guy disappears.
That narrative has become embedded to the extent that I play it out instantly as soon as the next guy shows me the slightest glimmer of interest. And as soon as the guy expresses interest, I withdraw. Immediately, I write him off as fake, fleeting and not genuine. Effectively delaying or even preventing the inevitable from happening.
[08/03/2019, 16:46:32] Avi: I find you a little distant today
I am talking about love, sex and intimacy in a general sense, including kissing, hugging, sharing a bed and holding hands as well as the act of sex itself. I ascribe meaning to these gestures. I associate them (too?) closely with developing feelings for someone. And inevitably feeling tricked into giving something away that I might not get back. If I let it develop to even a kiss, that is when I become hooked and when I feel tricked.
[12/01/2020, 12:26:07] Avi:
Again and again, I return to this conversation.
[22:22, 21/10/2019] Rory Duffy: I chose not to have sex with Rob because I felt it was too soon and I wouldn’t just sleep with anyone who isn’t my boyfriend. I can’t give myself to someone if I’m not convinced that they’re committed. I know it’s traditional and conservative but I’m a sensitive person and I take things literally so I find it helpful to have these guidelines and maintain my boundaries, to ensure I’m not being taken advantage of. I want to be loved for me not for what is mine. Does that make sense?
I would like to explore and unpick why I seem to have a complex about love, sex and intimacy.
I tried to do this with Dan. Although he does not remember (it is "too long ago" and he was young), he asked me the question "is this the furthest that you have ever got with a guy?" Over the years, this question has deeply affected me. Why? Because Dan's question during our act of sex gave me the impression that there was something between us.
Something similar happened with Avi Taler. Although this time, I managed to capture it in writing.
[18/03/2019, 10:33:43] Avi: I'm so happy we met yesterday. It was so spontaneous and chilled, your presence makes me feel very relaxed and balanced... There was that line about me getting travel expenses that made you smile widely and it was so nice! I thought to myself I should make you smile more! And stop talking serious stuff only.
The irony? I wished to make him happy. Just like he thought that he should make me smile. Me expressing my wish to make him happy was the line that "stressed [him] out". Maybe because he was already happy? And he perceived me to be not happy on my own?
When Avi Taler & I kissed, it dredged up all of those old, strangely familiar, engrained and unresolved thoughts and feelings of dread. I was on a temporary high and I might end up lonely again. When I talk about my social anxiety, I am referring to the moment when I was in his bedroom (Prince Consort Village, Campus Living Villages) on 28th March 2019 and I lost control of my thoughts. I have written about this extensively. I was afraid of the guy kissing me and disappearing from my life to the extent that I made it happen again simply by thinking it into existence. It became a Self Fulfilling Prophecy.
However, this might be something that I am convincing myself. Still, had I handled the situation a little differently, I might not have prevented Avi Taler from disappearing from my life. I might have only prolonged my pain of expectation. I cannot control other people. Including when they choose to enter and exit my life. I can only control my responses to them.
In my head, the kissing and sleeping together seemed to be a turning point, a crossroads and an "on-or-off" situation. Like some sort of assessment / decision / judgement was to be made. By someone else. Who I barely know! About me! An assessment / decision / judgement that might put me in a position of rejection. Not dissimilar to when I kissed Nathan back in 2007.
Rory: What's happening with us? I love you. xxx
Since then, I have developed the sense to not knowingly put myself out for rejection (in my mind "hang myself out on the washing line to dry").
This year, I tried to avoid that conversation with Hafyz. But he thrust me into it. Without me wishing to have that conversation. A form of wrenching.
It is a classic manifestation. If one is worried about the other getting hurt; invariably this results in the other getting hurt by the one. Maybe this is simply the way in which my mind is playing it out. I never asked to be his friend or his mate. Why should we have to define or label our friendship?
Again, my vulnerability might have been something that I inadvertently projected, despite my not wishing to have that conversation in the first place.
[16:42, 26/07/2021] Rory Duffy: You friend zoned me in front of a couple of my friends and said that us two needed boundaries etc. You made it sound like I had misunderstood stuff like you staying at mine etc. And you even said we were on our 4th or 5th date. You were giving mixed signals and then you said about me being on the spectrum which is why you didn't want to upset me.
Sonia was right. When two people start hanging out on an intimate basis, it becomes intense.
[19:39, 04/09/2019] Rory Duffy: Maybe that's a positive plus point for him... That I'm not looking for too serious or intense in him... Just someone to hang out with on an intimate basis,
I might have made the same mistake with Hafyz as I made with Ron back in 2019. By responding to the kiss and expecting the dynamic to be "normal".
[12/01/2020, 12:26:07] Avi:
Well, this is simply me recapitulating what other guys have done to me - kissed me and slept with me and made out that this does not mean anything. I have found myself caught in that cycle to the extent that I have absorbed and projected it on to other guys.
[16/01/2020, 16:22:07] Rory Duffy: Why wouldn’t everything be as usual? Did I say something to put you off? If you felt that strongly those things about me, could you really stand by them if you were all of a sudden put off by something I said? So what changed, Avi? Did anything change? At what point did your feelings change?
Well, a couple of months ago, Pancho rightfully pointed out that this is a disempowering narrative. I am always telling the story as if it was something happening to me. Not the other way around. Pancho said that I need to change my narrative. Into one in which I could accept some responsibility or accountability for what happened. I mean, sure, I might believe that the guys "led me on". But it was my choice as to whether or not I responded in kissing them or sleeping with them (Read More: 15/02/2021). Which brings me back to the conversation with LV.
[22:39, 21/10/2019] LV: You feel yourself used
[22:43, 21/10/2019] LV: Sex is not to other, anyone wants stole you... sex it’s a desire, it’s when the people wants you. It have to be good to both
I must remember that it is a 2-way process. The power of response. I might not be in control of the other person and whether they choose to kiss me or sleep with me. But I am in control of myself and whether I choose to respond to the kiss or sleep with them.
Simple? Not quite. This realisation has led me to build up a shell. It has brought me to the point where I almost resist talking with a guy who I might be attracted to. I withdraw. Immediately, the barriers go up again. Every week, I notice this happening, as I circumnavigate London's tumultuous LGBTQ+ scene. I am possibly oblivious to missing out on experiences without even noticing or realising it!
[21/10/2019, 23:04:18] LV: You need to live, Rory
On the one hand, the barriers might be protecting me. They are an inbuilt security chip / safety mechanism to weed out ephemeral men who are only interested in one kiss and poof! They are gone. On the other hand, they might potentially be shielding me from situations where I am able to strengthen myself further. Simply through the act of kissing and sex. Without judging or thinking too much. Or reading too deeply into it. Without ascribing meaning or significance to something that might not have meaning or significance to the other person.
Read More: 15/02/2021
[6:18 pm, 13/09/2021] Sid: Awww you are sweet, if I visit London sometime, I will let you know
Well, Ron said pretty much the same thing, 2 years before that.
[19:18, 04/09/2019] Rory Duffy: Thanks, Ron. I appreciate what you’re saying and if you want to give a try a proper friendship or relationship one day (more than just messaging) you know where to find me. Sending you hugs and blessings. 🤗😇
Has he? No.
This is the frustration. The unresolved account. Not knowing my destiny. Not knowing whether to write him off and "move on". If there is no tangible reason to do so. Only silence. Or sit, wait and hope that he might come back.
Ghosting is only ghosting if there is an admission of ghosting. At which point, it stops being ghosting and becomes avoiding. This is the paradox.
This does not detract from the reality that I have been feeling disillusioned since that night with Sid. I asked CB if I could speak to her friend Georgia who I met at her birthday party (the day after I walked away from Hafyz). I was hoping to continue our conversation about cleansing my vibration from the transient, ephemeral energy that I have carried with me from guys off dating apps, namely Sam, Hafyz and Sid. This is true. I needed to retract back into myself (my "shell") and stop giving away so much of myself.
The mask drops and they disappear. And where would that leave me? Weakened. Wanting. Again. I have more self respect now than I did 2 years ago. Why should I put myself (or allow myself to be put) on the line for another guy who might crash and trash my life again?
No. I am enjoying my free time. Learning how to value my time is an important lesson that I am learning more and more these days. A lesson that certain guys (namely Sam) have not yet grasped.
[22/06/2021, 08:44:43] Sam: <attached: 00000453-AUDIO-2021-06-22-08-44-43.opus>
[22/06/2021, 08:46:26] Sam: <attached: 00000456-AUDIO-2021-06-22-08-46-26.opus>
[22/06/2021, 08:50:06] Sam: <attached: 00000459-AUDIO-2021-06-22-08-50-06.opus>
Ironic. The part about "for [my] own sake". A projection indeed! I might have tried to impart the lesson about valuing my own time to Sam. But what was the point. He did not have the ears to listen. Therefore, it was not my role to impart that lesson to him. Presumably, he will carry on making the same mistakes with other guys until he comes to this realisation some other way. It is no longer my concern.
Those voice notes... 😳
With regards to valuing my own time, what have I been up to?
These things are important. Like the man told me at the GaySocial (07/12/2019).
Strangely, I seem to have predicted the fact that I saw him again on 05/11/2021! 01/12/21
Although I defend Avi Taler (this man did not know him); this man imparted to me that it is important to learn a skill and a craft as a means of self-validation. This is what I am trying to do. But most importantly, not trying to define myself through a guy (or let myself be defined by a guy). At a wider level, not letting myself be defined by my (somewhat ambiguous) sexuality / asexuality, my autism or my social anxiety.
Last night at the GaySocial, a guy suggested that I might be demisexual. I resolved to Google this. But I have resisted doing so until I came to the point in today's entry at which I might read it afresh.
Now is that time.
1st result on Google:
Demisexual people only feel sexually attracted to someone when they have an emotional bond with the person. ... The prefix “demi” means half — which can refer to being halfway between sexual and asexual. Demisexuality can be a type of graysexuality.
OMG. This is totally me!
Time to do some reading.
Reading the enclosed articles, it seems that my condition might be the opposite. Demisexual means developing an emotional bond BEFORE engaging in sex and intimacy. In my case, I have the tendency to develop an emotional bond AFTER engaging in sex and intimacy. Is this "normal"? Or is my depth of emotional feeling and attachment somewhat more extreme / extenuated than average? Why do I fall head over heels (or, in the case of my one night stand with Sid) feel a slight emotional pain / lethargy - in other words, a Love Hangover - after sex and intimacy? Is this common? Or is it simply because I have not developed the ability to emotionally protect myself as proficiently as other people have?
After Avi Taler, my perception became distorted. The most extreme example that keeps coming to mind is the overdosing episode of sitting in Vauxhall Pleasure Gardens and seeing ephemeral fools drifting into my vision and disappearing before my eyes. This was a visual manifestation of my fear that if I took my time to respond to certain WhatsApp messages, I might disappear, too. (Read More: 10/07/2019). Things became too much. A secondary example of this is the psychotic scenario with the office chairs and believing that my "demons" (my exes) were hiding behind those chairs and taunting / tormenting me with their silent, resolute presence (Read More: 17/10/2019).
It is understandable why I might have ended up thinking like this. Avi Taler was there as a Soul Contract to "play" me, to convince me that this time, things could be different, that someone could love me, that I might not end up lonely for the rest of my life. Gently, he teased that out of me, despite my initial resistance towards him. The sole objective of that conviction: to draw pain out of me. I needed to feel it in order to heal it. Why, after everything that he said and did (the careful flattery, the lavishing of compliments, the future faking etc.) he would suddenly switch off like that? It seemed almost inhuman.
I do not understand how someone could switch off like that after being so affectionate and dependent before. It is like the mask is removed and he is suddenly a different person.
After everything! It defied all logic and reason. To me, the wrenching felt deliberate and calculated, like a trick (despite his assurances that it was not):
[12/01/2020, 12:26:07] Avi:
Avi Taler taught me to weigh actions more heavily than words. Which still leaves the pertinent question. If he claims to have meant every word he said or wrote and felt it so strong, why did he not come back? Or, let me rephrase that: why has he not come back? Was that message making out that I did something wrong? Of course, I blamed myself. What for? For telling him that I loved him. Did I say something that put him off? I thought that this was his whole agenda / game plan to begin with? We met on a dating app! Maybe I was trying to define or label something through that kiss? Or maybe we both were? My previous experience of having kissed someone had only ended up in heartbreak. That was all that I knew. It was only natural that I should therefore recapitulate my experience of rejection and sense of loneliness in my response to Avi Taler deciding to kiss me. Or, should I highlight: Avi Taler deciding to kiss me and me deciding to kiss him back.
What about Sid? Another passing ship. It turned out that he only wished to have sex with me. Rather than a more sustainable connection. Perhaps I am merely convincing myself that? Writing him off in order to protect myself (manage my expectations)? Despite my on-the-night insecurities about the age difference and his repeated assurances that my seniority was not an issue for him; in the act of voicing my insecurities, I might have recapitulated his act of having his way with me and disappearing. Or, should I say: the act of us having our way with one another and him disappearing (I hesitate to rephrase the 2nd half; I had the Last Message). It seems that the way in which I was talking to him that night was almost like I willed the disappearing to happen. Of course, I did not consciously wish for this to happen. But maybe my subconscious was protecting myself? I was willing / engineering the disappearing act into existence as a way of retaining some degree control over the situation? As some sort of test to see if he were true to his words?
[18:18, 13/09/2021] Sid: Awww you are sweet, if I visit London sometime, I will let you know
When he said that the next time he is in London, he will let me know, I gave him the ultimate doormat response: "you are welcome". I lamented that I might have said "am I the only reason that he comes to visit London, or one of many?" But it is too late now. Once the message is sent, it is sent. Next time, I will be able to come up with a better response. At which point, the next guy might throw me another curveball to which I might return another self-subjugating response. And so, the cycle continues. 🙄
On second thoughts, I might have put myself in a position of rejection by asking Sid that question. It is a similar question to what I asked JR before he left London.
[11:37, 13/07/2019] JR: Actually 500 things to do before I leave, lol
Anyway, plenty more time to reflect. I became side-tracked.
Now it is time to head to Retro Bar for my next LGBTQ+ London "experience". And let it all happen again. Maybe I might learn something different this time.
Demisexual people only feel sexually attracted to someone when they have an emotional bond with the person. They can be gay, straight, bisexual, or pansexual, and may have any gender identity.
The prefix “demi” means half — which can refer to being halfway between sexual and asexual. Demisexuality can be a type of graysexuality. A graysexual person may experience sexual attraction only rarely, or they may feel sexual attraction but aren’t that interested in sex.
Demisexual people do not feel primary attraction — the attraction you feel to someone when you first meet them. They only feel secondary attraction — the type of attraction that happens after knowing someone for a while.
Other Names for Demisexuality
Demisexuality is the only name for the need to have a connection with someone before feeling attraction. However, some people might use terms for other modes of graysexuality to refer to demisexuality. These include:
Myths and Misconceptions About Demisexuality
Demisexuality does not mean someone is prudish or afraid of sex. Demisexual people simply do not feel sexual attraction to new people.
Demisexuality also is not related to a moral or religious belief about sex. It is a sexual orientation, not a choice.
It is also a myth that demisexuality is a sign of low sex drive. Once demisexual people are in a sexual relationship, they have varying levels of sex drive. Some may have sex often, while others may not. Demisexuality only refers to the type of attraction that person feels, not how often they have sex.
A common misconception is that demisexual people need to be in love with someone to feel sexual attraction. Demisexuality requires a connection, but for many people, that can be a close friendship or another type of non-romantic relationship.
If you choose to have sex only with people you’ve known for a long time or have a close connection with, you’re not necessarily demisexual. Demisexuality is not a casual preference — it drives the attraction that comes before sexual encounters.
Helping Your Loved Ones Understand Demisexuality
Coming out as a demisexual person is a personal decision. You don’t have to come out if you don’t want to. Your sexual orientation is your business. If you decide to tell others, your friends and family members may have a lot of questions after you come out to them. It may help to put together a few online resources about demisexuality that you can share. This will help answer their questions and will take some of the burden of explanation off of you.
Even with a prepared list of resources, you may still need to explain some things about demisexuality to your friends and family. It may help to compare it to other sexual orientations. For example, homosexual people are attracted only to people of the same gender. Demisexual people are attracted only to people with whom they have an emotional connection. This comparison may help them to better understand demisexuality.
Demisexuality: What Does It Mean? - WebMD
Demisexuality is a type of sexuality or sexual orientation. Demisexual people tend to only feel sexual attraction after forming a strong emotional bond or connection.
Keep reading for more information about what a demisexual is and how demisexuality differs from other sexual orientations. We also provide the answers to some other frequently asked questions on the subject.
Some people only feel sexual attraction toward those with whom they have developed a strong personal bond. If this is the case, the person is known as being demisexual.
According to the Demisexuality Resource Center, a person who is demisexual will feel sexual attraction and desire to engage in sexual activities far more rarely than the general population.
For example, most people can feel sexually attracted to random people whom they meet in public or at work or school. In some cases, this is based purely on physical attraction and comes from simply seeing the person.
In contrast, a demisexual will only feel sexual attraction toward a person once they have had the chance to develop a strong emotional bond with them. If they feel a sexual attraction toward a person, they may choose to engage in sexual activity with them, but the urge is often weaker. In some cases, it may never develop, despite the emotional connection.
In other words, an emotional bond does not guarantee that the person will have any sexual desire, but it is necessary for them even to consider sexual activity.
The emotional bond that a demisexual person feels does not necessarily need to be romantically inclined. The bond could be due to a close and otherwise platonic relationship with another person.
The time that it takes for this emotional bond to develop can vary greatly from person to person. For some demisexual people, certain situations — such as sharing a short-lived experience with someone — can trigger a quick onset of a bond. For others, the bond can take years to develop.
Either way, a bond does not guarantee that the person will feel sexual attraction, and, even if they do, it does not necessarily mean that they will act on it.
Several other sexual identities share similarities with demisexuality, but there are some key differences.
A person who identifies as asexual does not experience sexual attraction, but they may engage in sexual activity, either as masturbation or with a partner.
The asexual spectrum includes people who have little or no sexual attraction, with degrees of attraction varying across the spectrum. According to the Demisexual Resource Center, this spectrum has asexuality at one end and nonasexuality at the other.
Demisexuality falls somewhere in the middle of this spectrum because a demisexual person feels very little sexual attraction toward others. The key difference is that demisexual people can feel sexual attraction and a desire to have sex once they have developed an emotional bond with another person.
Read more about asexuality here.
Gray-a or gray asexuality, like demisexuality, is on the asexual spectrum. Unlike demisexuality, though, a person who identifies as gray-a experiences infrequent or less intense sexual attraction or desire to engage in sexual activities.
According to GLAAD, an organization that works to promote transgender acceptance and rights, a person who is gray-a may feel sexual attraction due to any number of different circumstances.
People who identify as gray-a may:
While gray-asexual and demisexual people both experience sexual attraction infrequently, the key difference here is that gray-asexual people do not necessarily require an emotional bond to feel sexual attraction.
Gray-a is a very inclusive sexual orientation, meaning that there are a lot of ways in which a person could identify themselves as gray-a. According to the Demisexual Resource Center, a person can define gray-a however they choose.
Demisexuality is also similar to sapiosexuality in some ways. The main similarity is that a person who identifies as sapio has a limited number of people to whom they may be attracted, as does a demisexual person.
The major difference, however, is that a person who identifies as sapiosexual is attracted to intelligence or the mind of the other person. Here, the emotional bond is not the crucial factor.
The authors of a recent study that investigated whether IQ specifically was the most attractive trait for sapiosexuals concluded that it was not the most important factor. According to the findings of this study, subjective intelligence seemed to be more important than objective intelligence, which is what an IQ test measures.
A person who identifies as pansexual can be sexually attracted to anyone, regardless of their gender, sexual orientation, or sexual identity.
The level of attraction that they feel toward people of different gender identities may vary. In other words, a person who identifies as pansexual may be more physically interested in females but still find that they are sexually attracted to some males, as well.
What is demisexual? - Medical News Today
Rory spent the first few years of his life in an ice cave, carving out his palace of wonder. He's a bit of a love doll, but he who melts the ice shall have his reward.
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I have been recommended to acknowledge and process all that I have been though, where it all started from how it has affected me.