It has been an eventful few days. Right now, I am feeling emotional. Because of Eurovision? No, just a Love Hangover 😏
Last week, I found someone on Tinder. His name is Sam. We matched on Thursday. We had one of those explosive, intense and sharp-witted conversations. We met on Friday. We met in Kennington. We went for a drink in the Pilgrimage and another drink at the Cock Tavern. We discussed a lot of things about our backgrounds, beliefs, interests and values. We talked religion. I think that both of us felt nervous. A few times, I smiled at him and he smiled back reassuringly. From where I was sitting, there was an attraction and a chemistry. During the course of the evening, the physical separation became less and less. At one point, I casually dropped in that I was available on Wednesday night. Afterwards, I walked him out to the park in Kennington. We had our arms round one another and we were holding hands. I took him into the park. We shared a goodbye kiss.
It was positive that we both had places to be afterwards. So that things did not move too quickly although we did kiss on the first date. He was meeting up with a friend (with whom he had a recent argument) for dinner. I was supposed to be helping my friend Maria set up Microsoft Teams.
I felt high on Friday night and all day on Saturday. It feels wonderful to find love. On Tinder, he had asked me what I am looking for. I said "I am looking to give love and find love in return 💕
He said that he is looking for a boyfriend.
Key point to remember: he mentioned that he exaggerates. He has been calling me "babe" several times and sent me heart popping emojis 😍
Maybe this is the "exaggerating" happening?
[23:58, 21/05/2021] Sam: It was so lovely seeing and meeting you today, 5 kisses to you xx
He expresses hope that we can build a strong connection. I am pretty sure that I said to him that I listen to people's actions (as well as their words). Or maybe I said that to another crush from Meetup with whom I shared a drink on Thursday. I cannot remember. The last few days have been a blur. I had the Cock Tavern Meetup on Thursday, I was in the Cock Tavern again on Friday, I had the Regent's Canal Paddington to Camden walk plus Tea House on Saturday and coffee, wine and bowling yesterday.
My little test is to see if he remembers if I am available on Wednesday. After Wednesday, I am not available to meet until the 2nd week of June. I have something booked every day and I am away for the 1st week of June.
I could message him. He may be feeling nervous about messaging me. Afraid that I might not reciprocate. But again, I am focusing too much on his feelings and not enough on my own feelings. I feel more comfortable taking the back seat and letting the other person lead. Why should I put myself out there unnecessarily? If the last 2 years have taught me anything, it is that someone might express feelings for me. But it is not guaranteed that they mean it. That is why I must protect myself. Yes, we might have taken things fast on Friday by holding hands and kissing. But it felt natural. At the time, it was what I felt like doing. And, hand on heart, I did abide by the rule that I set myself on 15/02/2021:
Second, I must recognise that a kiss is not necessarily everything. It might mean a lot to me. That is sweet and lovely. But it might not mean much or anything to the other person. A kiss does not necessarily mean that they love me or feel the same way about me as I do about the kiss or about them. Since this makes me more likely to get hurt, I could use that vocabulary in a more restrained way with other people. Not shun someone if they try to kiss me.
In that I did allow myself to kiss him while preparing for any eventuality. He is only one guy. Getting to know him is a process. I would like to see him again.
Therefore, I think that the best strategy would be to wait and see. If I messaged him, in the act of doing so, I might make myself more vulnerable. Put myself in a position where I might be expecting something back from the other person. If he did not message me because he was waiting for me to message him, so be it. I need a guy who will make me feel comfortable. Love should happen naturally.
Imposing a "waiting" rule on myself might restrict my options. But it enables me to gauge and measure what is going on more clearly. I might lose him by not taking initiative. However, the alternative (taking initiative and feeling rejected - like I did on May 2nd, 2019) might make me feel worse. The relationship with myself is more important. Safeguarding my personal comfort and happiness should be my number one priority.
I might lose him by not taking initiative. But there will be others. Abundance Mentality. And the more that I can consciously train myself to play by my rules, the closer that I will get to the guy who is really right for me.
My MH Champion told me that if I pretend to not care, they always come back.
Waiting for him is a little test. To see if he is true to his intention of seeing me again. To see if I can train myself to value and focus on myself a little more. Without letting myself become carried away or feel consumed by one guy no matter how great he might be.
I had a date on Friday and it went super well. 😍 we matched on Thursday and met the day after.
We both had places to go afterwards so only lasted 4:30-8. We went for beers in Kennington. During the course of the evening, I casually mentioned that I would be available Wednesday as a little test to see if he remembers.
Afterwards, the guy (Sam) messaged me to say that he really liked me and hope we can build a strong connection.
I have felt fine, just a little Love Hangover (nothing that I have not handled already). Also, I have decided to not message him and see if he initiates as I feel more comfortable doing that.
I must remember that despite how good and natural it felt, I do not know him. He is a stranger. I am aware of my tendency to rush feelings and fall head-over-heels. But I do not know everything about him. I might be projecting what I desire onto him because I see him as a "best fit" right now. Am I looking for Mr Right or Mr Right Now? It is important to take it slow. Meet him a few times. Get to know him. Establish whether or not he is right for me. Even if he is not the right one, we can still have a friendship.
Last night at the Meetup, someone said to me that they had been "friend-zoned" by a recent date. Personally, I would try to avoid doing that to someone because it is like imposing rules on another person and not on myself.
Rory spent the first few years of his life in an ice cave, carving out his palace of wonder. He's a bit of a love doll, but he who melts the ice shall have his reward.
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I have been recommended to acknowledge and process all that I have been though, where it all started from how it has affected me.