[02:20, 25/07/2021] Charlie LGBT [audio]: So I'm sending a voice note just surely because otherwise I'd be typing for ages. So... No, he didn't pull another bloke. And I'm being honest. No, he didn't. But, he... He's very friendly. He's very flirty with other men. But I think that's just gay men in general. But no, he became very... I don't know if I annoyed him or whatever, like, he just... Yeah, he started on me at every opportunity. And he'd be happy one minute. Then really angry the next. Happy then sad. And then... There was this one particular point where he was like telling everyone that he loved them, blah blah blah blah. I said "oh but don't tell Rory because I think his heart's broken enough", like jokingly. And he was like "go fuck yourself". And I was like "no, I was joking, that's not OK to say to me. He was like "yeah but that wasn't a funny joke" blah blah blah, just, like started on me and I was like "fine, whatever". Just left it. And then he forgot about that. He started talking to me about my tattoos again. And then... Yeah he went back to being angry at me again. And it just went on like that for about 3 hours. And then when Megan & I tried to leave, he didn't want us to leave and started trying to say that we should stay because he didn't have ID. He wanted to go to G-A-Y Late and then he got angry that we weren't going G-A-Y Late and it was just... Yeah, it was hard work, I've got to be honest, I found him quite exhausting. Obviously, I don't want this repeated to him because I just don't want the drama because everyone seems to have swapped numbers. I haven't swapped numbers with him but I'm aware that other people we were out with did. No, I just... Rory, I'm telling you this as someone who hasn't known you that long, admittedly, but you seem like a great bloke. And what I'm hearing from other people is that you are a lovely bloke. I would distance yourself, mate, honestly. Spend some time making friends. Getting yourself sorted. This just screams disaster and he just seems to be out for what he can get out of a situation. I wouldn't get involved if I was you, darling.
Why am I constantly finding myself in abusive relationships with guys who do not treat me well? Recently, I have been unlucky.
Last night, I introduced HF to the friends from my group. We went to G-A-Y. I spent £25 on a bottle of Prosecco (I am not sure how much of it I drank versus how much HF drank). HF appeared to be controling the way that I feel (either generally or about him).
I am trying to piece together my memory. Of why I felt so uncomfortable about him. Or why he was not treating me well. Or why he made me feel so broken. It is all a little fuzzy and confusing. I need to pin it down to the tangible facts.
HF said "you and me, we are not dating, this can never happen". I could tell that he was simply saying this to protect himself. It is a boundary / façade. I have seen it many times. I decided to simply listen and observe. Without revealing much about myself. Let him get on with it. But he kept saying that I looked sad and forlorn. And that I should be happy when I am with him. I insisted that I was feeling happy. Physically, I distanced myself from him. Just a little. He noticed and started looking at me and touching me again. I decided to play it cool and ignore these gestures. It seemed like mixed signals. There was a moment when he left the table to go to the bar. The girls who I was with were asking me if I am involved with him. I told them that we had been dating. And that he has told me that we are not dating. One of them said "not from where I am sitting! It looks like he is into you and he likes you."
I left partly because I felt too drunk but partly because he was making me feel uncomfortable. I needed reclaim myself. I walked home. I bought some pasta, pesto and cheese. I ate the entire jar of pesto and bag of cheese to make myself feel better.
There are much worse things in life to lose than £40 on 1 night out, 1 day's calorie score and a flat cap that he still has not given back to me.
I do not mind if I need to talk things through with friends. But if I end up embarrassing myself by sending a string of revealing messages to the group organiser about my private / personal relationships, it indicates that there is a problem and that I need to speak to someone about it.
There is a point at which I identify that a relationship is not giving me what I need. When I end up leaning on friends more than I do on whoever I am involved with. I am trying to protect myself. But I am not protecting myself by playing games.
How do I feel? Physically, I feel OK. A little tired but not hungover. Financially, I feel broken. Mentally, my mind feels scrambled. I am finding it hard to articulate myself. I am experiencing anxiety that I have said too much or declared HF's behaviour to the group organiser as "controlling". Maybe I might have simply said to her that he was making me feel uncomfortable? What if he joins the chit chat group and starts attending Meetup events? Emotionally, I feel a little sad. Weepy and emotional. Delicate. I might burst into tears at any moment. It is the alcohol. It affects my emotions. But I feel an overriding sense of relief. I have done the right thing by walking away.
Above all, I feel SAFE.
Maybe I need to take a break for a while. I have become crazy. I need to settle down. Alcohol certainly does not help. It makes me feel emotionally and mentally even more mixed up and trying to articulate myself. I need a few days break from drinking alcohol and becoming entangled with gay men.
I feel happy that I have sent the Last Message. Dumping HF with my gal pals and a bottle of Prosecco was a smart move. Just to observe what happened. Despite the financial and emotional cost. I have protected myself.
Of course, I was careful to do what he asked and message him when I arrived home. I played by the rules. Nothing else that I need to say or do.
With HF, I have said and done perfectly. Now need to patch up the rest of my life. With JW, I feel like I constantly message her and spill everything. It is embarrassing and anxiety-triggering. Maybe she does not mind. But I feel awkward about it. Drinking and messaging is not a sensible idea.
[21:22, 24/07/2021] Rory Duffy: Where are you
Rory spent the first few years of his life in an ice cave, carving out his palace of wonder. He's a bit of a love doll, but he who melts the ice shall have his reward.
332 Brixton Road
Samaritans, 24 hours, on 116123 or email:
I have been recommended to acknowledge and process all that I have been though, where it all started from how it has affected me.