Last night, I had various thoughts about what questions I would ask Avi Taler if he were ever in touch again.
I also thought about my plans to order drugs on my 35th birthday in preparation for my 40th birthday. Why am I planning to do this? What (in life) is not working for me? It feels like every path that I follow, every road that I take, every avenue that I pursue ends at some point. Somewhere down the line, I find myself at a dead end with no alternative way to pass. This is life. Things come to an end.
Take my music, for example. I have been waiting almost two years to record with DG. I am paying her to do it. And we still have not been able to yet. This has held back all of my other projects. If I did not finish the album by the time that I turn 40 (because I am waiting for musicians), should I make the project files, assets and guide tracks available for someone else to finish, if I decide to die before then? Why is it that every other musician who I come across is successful in making music videos and getting bands together? Yet I am still struggling when I am recording people individually? Do people even remember that I am working on this album or will they assume that it will never be finished? Why do people praise my songwriting even though none of it is finished?
And then there is this LGS fiasco. I am being asked to co-promote a Monday night event. The DJ is putting pressure on me to spread the word among my networks and bring people to the venue. Yet the venue is not releasing the promo materials enabling me to promote myself. It is a catch 22. And I am not even being paid for it. I am stuck with a group on Meetup. I am coming up against a brick wall with the corresponding Facebook group (on which I am not an admin). And I am doing my best to remain positive.
What will be my next project / passion in life? That goes well for a while before coming to no obvious end?
Dating. I feel a fraction of the person who I was at the start of the summer. It seems that I am living to date rather than dating to live. I do not know what to talk about because I have become an empty shell. Last November, I took a six month break from it, came back and found Hafyz. Who then drained me of the remaining self confidence that I had managed to muster up in those intervening months since November in which I was not talking to him. The irony.
Life. I feel detached. Like I am not truly LIVING. Just going through the motions. Not feeling everything to its full extent. Physically, I am tired. Maybe it is because I am not eating properly? Yet even in the last week, I have consumed more calories than my daily allowances. And I am still feeling lethargic.
Above all, the overriding feeling of the past few weeks is loneliness. Yes, I have discussed how loneliness is a positive force and can leave us open and receptive to new experiences, people and situations. Yes, it is important for me to learn to live on my own before I can be with someone else. This is what I am struggling with. Every time that I find myself at a loose end or with a window of unspent time, I instantly try to fill it. Perhaps I am looking for something in the wrong places.
Yesterday, the DJ & I had a long phone conversation about LGS and about how he chose to walk away from it because it was causing him too much stress and aggravation. The DJ seemed dismayed that I was running all of these Meetup groups and events. He asked a pertinent question. Why are you doing all of this? Briefly, I alluded to my "relationship breakup" two years ago. I said that when one area of your life (in my case = relationship) is deficient, you have to boost the other areas of your life to supplement that. The circles of resilience theory. I stopped short of saying "to find a boyfriend". Maybe I did not need to say that. Maybe it was "obvious". Just like in the jazz circuit when people go to jam sessions all of the time, they are looking for a musical connection. I am doing exactly the same thing in the LGBTQ circuit as I did in the jazz circuit for so many years. Looking for something / someone. A connection. Perhaps this is just one of dead end those paths / roads / avenues. I must remind myself of the reason why I am doing this. To find another boyfriend? Or to find another Avi Taler? To whom I can say "I love you", without losing them?
Today, when I was on my way to the gym, I passed Ansh outside the Oval. He was shirtless. It was a hot day. I looked towards him but he looked down and pretended not to see me. Another empty shell. I cannot forget what a previous care coordinator said to me. Just be friends with him! Go out for a coffee with him! Have a chat! Has any of this happened? No. All that he wanted was sex. He kissed me and told asked me if we could keep it as "friends" between us. In other words, he friend zoned me. And subsequently booty messaged me a few months later.
[20:40, 25/06/2019] Rory Duffy: I thought I’d done something bad
[20:13, 07/07/2019] Rory Duffy: 😚
Since I was listening to the music on my phone, I was not quick enough to take a shirtless snapshot of Ansh from behind (since he looked the other way). However, I do have these shots of him that I snapped from Hinge a few months ago (6th May), which I have not yet shared. And which I have no reservation about sharing. Now that this has happened, I feel at liberty to share. The universe arranged circumstances in this way. 💁♂️
Even more ironic since last Friday's South Lambeth Bar Crawl was effectively a repetition of our date 2 years ago (Tito's followed by Tia Maria). Perhaps the universe is preparing me in this way. For the possibility that if I happen to walk around West London on a hot sunny day, I might see Avi Taler walking around shirtless. And he might look the other way. Mental note to self: ensure that I have my iPhone at the ready. This is why I cannot go to Heaven. It is like the spirit that is in there before has now departed the body. Leaving an empty shell. How triggering.
I wonder what is happening with Ansh. Does he experience similar self confidence issues to those that I am experiencing? I wonder if he writes anything down like I do? Probably not. Despite the fact that he works for Facebook. Why can boys not play nicely with one another? Have a positive rapport? It is because we are too insecure. Always protecting ourselves. Living our fears. Hiding away from others and not letting them see who we truly are. For fear of getting hurt or rejected. Reminder: this is why I should probably not kiss a guy on our first date. Because it raises the threshold for one or other to get hurt. And invariably, I am on the receiving end of rejection.
Why am I even thinking in this way? We met only once. Well, twice, if you count the time in Retro Bar on September 28th 2019. Is Ansh simply a manifestation? A projection of the guys who I have felt drawn to? Well I am feeling the same way about Avi Taler. And it is 2 years later.
[09:51, 19/08/2021] Rory Duffy: Never wanted them to be exes in the first place but they gave me no choice
Tireni forcefully tells me to "move on". I can see the logic in it. If I continually ruminate over 1, 2 or 3 guys, I might make myself an unhappy person. The reality is that I have ruminated on many guys. Not just the 3 mentioned here (Avi Taler, Ansh and Hafyz). To the extent that they have run into one another (= the manifestation, the repetition of history aspect). I tried to prevent that from happening.
After Roger, I took 3 years out and tried to "work on myself". Whatever that means. In 2019, I met Avi Taler, which brought me right back to square one. Although I have been consciously "working on myself" for the past two years (by documenting my thoughts and feelings and consulting friends, family and professionals openly and honestly about what I am struggling with), I still feel that I am in the same place as I was two years ago. Stuck. Grappling with self confidence issues. Because I am still being run and re-run through the mill of rejection. Which comes in many forms (ghosting, friend zoning and yet more friend zoning). During that process, I have had to learn the hard lesson that just because someone kisses me, it does not mean that they love me or that we are in a "relationship". I have been forced to learn that a kiss does not necessarily mean anything. I have been telling this to people. And now, they are contradicting me! Telling me that it DOES mean that the person wants a relationship. And that there IS a binary / polar distinction between friendship (what I have come to understand in a generic sense) and relationship. How does that make me feel about myself? What conclusion do I logically draw from this? That guys have never taken me seriously enough to even consider having a relationship with me? Yet they are free to kiss me if they want to? Like I am at their disposal?
All that I did was kiss Hafyz. I never wanted that to trigger the whole relationship conversation. I said that I had decided to abdicate that conversation. Because past experiences have proven that I cannot circumnavigate it and remain in one piece. Why did Hafyz have to initiate that conversation about our relationship? To put me in the position of being friend zoned and, by extension, rejected? I NEVER WANTED TO HAVE THAT CONVERSATION! All that we did was kiss. Why did it have to mean anything? Besides, was that not the whole point of dating? To develop a relationship? When something is working well in line with the desired dating context, why should I be made to feel criminalised for going along with the plan / by the book? Is this something that I am doing to myself? 😩
Tireni tells me to "move on". I get that. I understand it. And I accept the reasons. So, I understand the WHY. But I do not understand the HOW. It does not make sense in my head. Why should I pursue other guys if the right guys are already the ones who I have met? Just because things did not work out, it should not mean that we can have nothing at all. What is the point of investing in someone if all that we are going to be left with is nothing at all? I do not have the energy anymore.
I know that I am probably doing myself no favours by moping about my woes and feeling sorry for myself. I know that self pity is not attractive. But it helps to get my thoughts down here (if anything). Hopefully, I can release them in this way.
The other week, a stranger (Zakir) told me that I am "sad and vulnerable". This has affected me. I might not be "sad and vulnerable" unless I told myself that I am "sad and vulnerable". I have everything that I want in the world. And I am not alone. Yet I am feeling lonely. People tell me that I should not feel lonely. But I cannot help what I feel.
Rob is in touch. He is feeling depressed about life in general. There must be something going around. I should concentrate on him.
Last thought. I think that if I wanted to end myself, this would indicate that the relationship that I have with myself is at rock bottom. To the extent that I destroy myself.
I always chuckle when I encounter someone who I know or have already corresponded with on a dating app. And in the case of Manny Dom, this was no exception. 2 years ago, we matched on Chappy. The original conversation cannot be retrieved since the app has been discontinued. However, it went something along the lines of this. I asked him if his name "Dom" was short for Dominic. His response was that this is the way in which he behaves in bed. 😈
I asked him if he would like to come to the Cock Tavern. He asked me where that is. I told him that it is a gay venue in Kennington. To which he responded that he only "does" Soho. And that I should give him a shout next time that I am in Soho. And that was pretty much it.
Looking at his Tinder profile, it seems that he is another ephemeral pretty boy who is only interested in one thing.
Rory spent the first few years of his life in an ice cave, carving out his palace of wonder. He's a bit of a love doll, but he who melts the ice shall have his reward.
332 Brixton Road
Samaritans, 24 hours, on 116123 or email:
I have been recommended to acknowledge and process all that I have been though, where it all started from how it has affected me.