I never wanted to have that conversation about "are we, are we not" because my experience of it has been never able to have that conversation and be able to come out of it in one piece. That is the truth. So, I decided to abdicate / quit that conversation and hug, kiss and sleep with whoever I wanted without feeling the need to define or put a label to it. To think of them as "friendships" in a generic sense, as unique and individual as the person. That is what I did with Hafyz, but as soon as we kissed, he opened up the whole relationship conversation that I did not want to have, thereby putting me in the "friend zone" and a position of rejection despite my attempts to prevent it. Now people are enforcing upon me a distinction between friendship and relationship. My experience has forced me into thinking of them interchangeably as the same concept, possibly because I have not been lucky. Or that no guy has taken me seriously enough to warrant entertaining the thought of having a relationship with me. Maybe that is my low Self Esteem talking. I do not know why I am saying all of this. I feel exhausted and drained from so many years of trying. I am a fraction of the person who I once was. I took several breaks from it throughout my twenties, like massive gaps of years, but every time I became involved with someone again, I found myself back at square one, feeling hurt and rejected, almost like I have learned nothing from the pain that I have endured, time and time again. I wish I could love myself enough to see that both guys (Sam and Hafyz) who I have been involved with this summer simply were not good enough for me (both had aggressive sides to their personalities). I know that in my head. But it does not make it any easier in my heart.
Nathan is completely right, though. I do have a lot of love and affection to give. And I am honest and authentic enough with my feelings. Sometimes, too honest and open that it scares people away. Or maybe it is myself scaring myself away. I wish that I could perceive it in the positive way that he perceives it. But he is correct that I need to find a way of celebrating it - like he said (maybe I could start up a new group or social enterprise). And it is just a matter of finding the right person who will reciprocate how I feel about them.
We are blessed to be musicians, poets and artists and have the ability to express ourselves and our thoughts and feelings through those mediums. And be able to articulate and document it in history and stories. At least we have the tools to do this. Not many people have. And in a way, it is both a blessing and a curse that we feel those highs and lows so intensely due to our creative temperament that we need those things to help us channel our sensitivities.
Rory spent the first few years of his life in an ice cave, carving out his palace of wonder. He's a bit of a love doll, but he who melts the ice shall have his reward.
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I have been recommended to acknowledge and process all that I have been though, where it all started from how it has affected me.