Just logging my mood plus 2 Avi dreams. One dream that I had about a week or so ago in which we picked up where we left off and continued communicating (although I cannot remember much more than that). One dream that I had last night, in which Avi came up on my Tinder feed and I was able to capture him. Understandable given that a) I was swiping late last night right before I went to bed and b) it is about this time last year that Avi came up on my Tinder feed without me expecting it.
Last night, I went to bed at some point between 9 - 9:30 pm. I was feeling tired and uninspired. Probably due to seasonal affected disorder. I tend to feel run down in the dark period between the clocks going back and Christmas. Like I have had enough of this year and I am ready to hibernate.
Why am I feeling stressed and anxious today? Possible reasons
Why have I been swiping? I guess that I feel (to some extent) that there is something / someone missing from my life that cannot be satisfied with Meetup or any of my other hobbies. It is important to learn how to be alone. It is also important to learn how to find happiness and enjoy my own company. I know that this is true. But some days, I find it harder than others.
Through swiping, I realised that none of the guys on there were good enough for me. Good enough, as in that they have the same threshold of accountability as I do. Or a similar level of kindness. So, what is the point?
Maybe I am making gross presumptions based on one image. That is the way in which Tinder works. And why it is unhealthy. Because once an assessment / judgement / decision has been made, that ephemeral soul hiding behind an avatar becomes lost in the digital abyss.
Also understandable that these gross presumptions might happen. They might merely be a projection of the three guys who I have been involved with this year (Sam, Hafyz and Sid). The first two were downright unkind (sorry) in my perception, at least. The third was possibly "messed up" in his own way (although I barely knew him). And where have these "experiences" left me? Back at square one. With Hafyz especially, and to some extent Sid ("you are welcome"), wishing that I might have scripted it slightly differently. Sam was merely a lost cause and I did everything right. Well, I live and learn.
Today is also Nathan's birthday. So, it is natural that I have been reflecting on past lovers.
At this point, I was tempted to write "you are unbelievable".
Sometimes, I feel like these merchants are deliberately being unhelpful in the hope that they might drive me away.
[11:06 am, 26/11/2021] Martin: Is anyone going to be stuck with the tube strike ?
[11:15 pm, 17/11/2021] John DJ: Rory, thank you for your message.
Rory spent the first few years of his life in an ice cave, carving out his palace of wonder. He's a bit of a love doll, but he who melts the ice shall have his reward.
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I have been recommended to acknowledge and process all that I have been though, where it all started from how it has affected me.