I told Rob about what happened. Somehow, it felt like the right thing to do. Even though we are not "together", he is a good friend and supported me in many ways. He knows that I respect his feelings. I do not think that it would be a problem telling him that I asked another guy if I could kiss him. Besides, we have an open, honest relationship and we hide nothing from each other. I told him that I wanted to hide nothing from him. So this is me showing him.
I asked Rob how he was doing. He gave me his usual 1-word answer "OK u". Initially, I said that I am OK. But then I added "not really". He asked me what is up. I came straight out with it. I felt strange because at the Meetup, I asked a guy if I could kiss him. He said no and walked away. What I said was not actually that bad or consequential, it is what I did to myself afterwards. What did I do? I beat myself up over it. I made myself feel bad about it. Rob tells me not to worry. Was I drunk? Yes. 😔
I feel like I am a wild one returning to my guardian with my tail between my legs, owning up to rebelling and having failed on a piece of homework / coursework.
Rob says it is not so bad. What does he look like? Rob has met him before at the Clapham Picnic, LL last year. ML? OMG. No, but good guess! But not quite the cigar. Rob is shrewd. He has a long-term memory and a knack for picking up on little details / pertinent facts. He might have picked up my crush on ML.
HZ. I cannot help but feeling embarrassed about it. 😓
It felt so embarrassing.
It was embarrassing.
Rob recommends that next time that I see HZ, apologise and say that I was drunk. He did a similar thing. He complimented a guy not realising that he was straight. He apologised. Why should we apologise for making sweet and lovely gestures? Well, some straight guys might feel uncomfortable. But he was OK about it.
I agree about saying that I was drunk, but we are quite alike. We tend to over-apologise. Who is alike? Rob & I. We are quite alike in the sense that we default to apologise mode. Rob becomes embarrassed and shy when someone flirts with him in public. He do not mean subtle flirting. But full on flirting. Yes, it is part of his cuteness and charm. But I understand that it can feel overwhelming or a little too much if he is not used to it.
Where did HZ walk away to? Home. Because I asked him for a kiss? No, he was leaving anyway. He came over to me as he was leaving. So, it was not a snog that I was after? I suppose it was. Maybe he is taken? No he is not. I asked him earlier on in the afternoon 🤭
Maybe I could have asked him for a pint instead. At this point, I did not disclose to Rob that I had been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Talk about Halloween! Maybe the problem was that I had taken HZ at his word (that his phone had died) and not as a subtle hint that he did not wish to spend time with me. Although he did buy his ticket to the cabaret show. Anyway, I short-circuited spending time with him over a pint. Although I did offer him one of my beers yesterday at the picnic. But he declined. That same evening, I went straight in for the kiss. I was a little drunk and our hugs seemed quite intimate. Our hugs were long, lingering embraces where I would draw back slowly and hold him at the sides. 😍
I had this fantasy whereby we would sneak a casual kiss without anyone noticing. So, I guess that I tried to manifest it if I felt that I had not been too obvious up until this point. But failed. It was a massive risk. Putting myself in that position where I might experience "rejection". Without considering the possibility that he might say no. But I threw caution to the winds and thought "what the Hell". I figured just go for it. I knew that if I start ruminating over whether or not I should make such a bold move, I might talk myself out of it. Have I not been talking about stopping myself from living? Letting my previous experiences suffocate me? Have people not been advising me (including Sam) that I have a tendency to think and over-analyse before acting? For the record, this little incident with HZ was me trying to take that advice.
[23:04, 21/10/2019] LV: You need to live, Rory
Once, LV advised me that I need to Live. All of the time, I am protecting myself. And suffering to protect myself. This is a dichotomy: I am suffering because my fear is suffering (Read More: 21/10/2019). Did I take that advice? I think that I have done. On 2x occasions this last week (with Sam, and now with HZ). Just because it did not work out, it is not bad. I did not do or say anything bad. It is not like I tricked the guy into proposing to me like I did with JR. All that I wanted was a kiss. I was not proposing marriage or anything like that.
If Rob were me, he would apologise on Facebook. To save embarrassment next time. He would apologise in there. If I have his Facebook. HZ does have Facebook, but I do not think that he is on there that much. He is more of an Instagram guy.
But again, we are back to apologising. Why should I apologise over asking an attractive guy for a kiss? 🤷♂️
Well, I do not think that I need to bring it up or feel embarrassed. The embarrassment and shame is something that I cannot help feeling 😒
Anyway, I do not think that he minded. It was just a bit awkward. Immediately after he said no, I gave him a friendly shoulder thump and a fist bump to show no hard feelings 😂
It was quite a cover up...
Rob would forget it. I should not bring it up next time that we meet. Act as if I have forgotten about it. So that it does not look "creepy". But if he is not into it, it is his loss 😘
Thanks hun 😘
That is exactly what I am going to do. It is a strengthening test. It is actually nice to be able to say that to someone directly. To say what? To ask them for a kiss or tell them that they are cute. It does beg the question of what he is doing at a queer Meetup if he is not there to meet attractive guys or potential partners. Maybe he is simply there to make platonic friendships? Maybe he cares about me as a friend but was not quite prepared or ready about me asking for a kiss? Who knows. He might start avoiding me. He might not. At least he knows now. And that there are no hard feelings.
If I am worried about HZ avoiding me, I might start avoiding him (like I did with FF). HZ might perceive me to be hurt by his "rejection" and avoid me even more for fear of hurting me even more. And so the cycle continues. I will try to not get drawn into that cycle. I should not expect anything back from him. If I apologised, that might only make matters worse because it would show him that I have fallen deeply in love with him and that he is on my mind 24/7. Which does not necessarily need to be the case. I might be attracted to him, but I do not feel completely comfortable around him because I know how much I fancy him. It must be mutual and natural. If I focus on the fact that I might feel attracted to him and that he might not feel the same way, I lose confidence in myself. Another slippery slope that I do not wish to embark on. I might have thrown myself at him. But there is a middle ground. If I carry on acting as normal and not bring it up again, maybe it will be OK.
[21:15, 26/06/2021] Rory Duffy: I’m at a meet-up just asked my 1-year crush if he would kiss me he said no, he’s left now, I know that I might have to deal with the consequences of that now, I just couldn’t hold back, I’m trying to let it go, but I know that I’m going to beat myself up and criticise myself over asking that 😖x
What does my MH Champion say? She says to try not to [beat myself up and criticise myself over asking that]. It is no biggie. Also give myself credit for going for what I want. If I do not ask, I do not get! I was respectful by asking so definitely nothing to criticise myself over.
This morning, I feel better about it. I was drinking, which did not help. But I wanted to track my thought process because I have been in this situation so many times and not come out of it in one piece without either hurting myself or self-subjugating in some way 😔
If this fallout is going to happen (and I know that I am projecting here, but it is hard not to), I should track my thought process and understand a) what it is that I am struggling with (The embarrassment? A sense of shame? Or a perceived "rejection"?) and b) how I might manage myself better next time.
All 3 people (Tom, Rob and my MH Champion) noted that it was respectful of me to ask and not going straight for it (although we had just come out of a hug and I was pulling him close to me, so I do not know if that constitutes). I also realise that being so forward and direct (telling someone that they are cute to their face, asking them if I can kiss them) is a nice quality about me and extremely rare. Some people do not always cope with it. They might find it overwhelming / too much.
Sam has messaged me.
[27/06/2021, 12:33:19] Sam: Btw Karma is a cunt, my best friend who was supposed to visit me this weekend who I cancelled all my plans for brutally cancelled on me, you must be gloating now 😂😂😂😜
I am slightly trembling. I feel a surge of red hot energy rising up inside of me like a lava table. I am so surprised. Honestly, I thought that I would never hear from Sam ever again after that tirade. The utter gall of him. But I am also in no mood to talk to him right now. I sense all of this negative energy radiating from him. I am feeling the effects of it.
I thought about writing to him "I thought that you had given up on me!"
It is not that I do not intend to talk to him at all. But even if I delay it a little, he might criticise me. So I may as well delay the inevitable if I receive nothing but criticism back in return. I did not care enough to respond straight away or make him feel better about himself. I have still been addressing and working through what happened yesterday with HZ.
[27/06/2021, 14:09:42] Rory Duffy: Hey man how are you doing?
No harm in asking Sam how he is. I stopped myself from saying "sorry to hear that" and simply put "oh no" to express some sincerity without apologising. No need to engage with the negative energy. If he brings up our previous conversation, yes, I might say something. But I can still respond to him without getting too involved with him. If he suggests meeting, I could always say what I thought of saying above to re-establish our expectations / parameters. He might simply act as an aggressive person either all of the time or sometimes (if he is going through a hard time). I can respond to him. We can chat. But we are under no obligation to date or meet up for anything more than a coffee at this point. Not until he calms down. As far as I am concerned, he is like one of those acquaintances who I meet at a Meetup with whom I exchange messages from time to time. I shall play the casual studio street persona.
I think that the line about "gloating" is significant. I thought about saying that I am not gloating but this is not strictly true. I think that he is right about karma. Although I do not agree with the expletive. But if I say that I am not gloating, am I not indirectly saying (by virtue of Reverse Psychology) that I am? Revealing something about myself through acting on the defence? No. Let him speculate. He can think whatever he wishes.
At a wider level, I agree with Sam that there is an element of karma. The unrequited kiss with HZ served as a reminder for the bitter taste of rejection. And possibly how Sam felt when I said that I would not meet him this week and concentrate on his friend. It is more of an irony that his friend cancelled on him. I am not gloating (I would not wish it upon someone else to experience pain or rejection). But I certainly agree that Sam received his karma.
On a side note, FV (the argumentative guy from the Meetup) got back in touch.
At the moment, I am not sure quite how to take that. Take it in the best way possible? As a compliment? A moment of lucidity, indeed. Several people have said the above to me. My thoughts are that kindness need not cost anything. Sometimes, it has cost me. And this balance is something that I can address and explore.
Oh, and what do we have here? John has messaged me via Facebook.
Well. Neither am I planning on dating Sam, that is for sure. Nor am I planning on sleeping with or having a one-night stand with John. I do not fancy John. But a few weeks ago, I was not adverse to the possibility of us having a one-night stand. And if John & I were to meet up and Sam enquired what I was doing on that day, would it be any of his business for me to tell him? If I told Sam that I am meeting up with an old friend who I have not seen for years, how would I expect Sam to interpret it? Would Sam feel secure enough in himself to respond any differently to how I responded? This is another irony in itself, given that Sam joked about him engaging in sexual activity with his friend. Only the difference is that I would not be joking. What is there to gain from telling Sam should it ever come to that?
It is funny how circumstances work out. After a particularly dry week with no Thursday date culminating in a disappointment / embarrassment with HZ (whichever way I look at it), suddenly, 2 guys (Sam & John) re-enter my life both at the same time 🙄
Why are men such a trigger for me?
27 JUN, 20:22
A nice message. I must read it from time to time. Whenever I feel down.
Rory spent the first few years of his life in an ice cave, carving out his palace of wonder. He's a bit of a love doll, but he who melts the ice shall have his reward.
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I have been recommended to acknowledge and process all that I have been though, where it all started from how it has affected me.