[23:53, 26/07/2021] HF: Can we talk? As friends?
What did CW think of HF's message?
[16:46, 26/07/2021] HF: I didn’t friend zone you in front of others. You just got upset and it came out in front of everyone. I felt like things were moving too fast and had to slow down. I don’t want to hurt you and thought I’d say whatever I felt now before it’s too late. Last time we met you said we were dating and we made out etc. So I decided to put my foot down and let you know we are moving too fast and for you to slow down and be my friend as I feel that is more important right now than anything else as there’s too much going on in my life right now with the move and the rest
I am still trying to get my head around it. I think that there might be an element of him trying to protect himself and manage expectations as well. He does not know me. He might feel like I rushed my feelings with him or expected too much of him, too soon. When from my perspective, it is more about feeling free to hug and kiss someone and express myself without having the label attached to it. What is her take on it? I know that she mentioned it briefly but it would be useful to hear her impression again.
To be honest, CW thinks that he is trying to ease his own conscience. If he says that it "just happened" (the hugging and kissing) rather than he actually did that, it makes him seem like a better person. Either way, he could have called me to the side and spoke to me. The fact that he was saying that it was a "date" means that I am not wrong for a cuddle or kiss. In her eyes, that is "normal" date behaviour. She thinks that message is more about him protecting himself rather than a reflection on me.
Yes, I was thinking similar. Did we kiss on Saturday? I was so drunk, I cannot remember. Did I / he / we do anything [romantic] that might have seemed more like "date" behaviour?
CW does not remember seeing us kiss but he had his arm around me. He outright said it was your 4th or 5th date before friend zoning me. It is about him feeling guilty rather than what I did.
CW seems to think along similar lines to how I am thinking. That he can have his way with me. But it is all on his terms.
I have apologised for asking detailed questions. I should not have been so out of control of myself this weekend 😔
I feel like I am looking for love in the wrong places. 💕
CW insists that it is fine. She would be doing the same. None of this is on me.
This morning, HF has messaged me asking: "Can we talk? As friends?" It seems like he is continuing to clear his conscience. Of course, I am happy to talk. But maybe with not as much momentum or care. I am not sure where it is going. Possibly nowhere.
But I was surprised that he did message me this morning, I was not expecting that. Or he is just checking in on me because at some level feels that he has hurt me. Partly, I think that I have hurt myself by how I responded to it. It is important for me to not interpret something as a "rejection" because it does not have to be. There is no reason for me to put myself in that position by thinking of it in those terms. I do not want to manifest by defining something someone says as a "rejection". I have fallen into that trap before (e.g., 20/10/2019). I do not want to project previous experiences of rejection onto him. Any more than I want to blame him for my past transgressions. Because that is not what it is all about. My main priority is feeling like I am getting what I want out of the current situation. I do not want to change or influence things too much by fortune-telling. That is why I am waiting to message back when I am feeling stronger. Because if I do it while I am feeling vulnerable, I might end up sabotaging.
Like the above ("Possibly nowhere"). I know that this "prediction" alone is a product of my mindset, and nothing else. Sometimes it is difficult to see beyond your own thoughts and feelings. "Possibly nowhere" is something that I have "predicted" (based on previous, negative experiences of rejection) but does not necessarily have to be the case this time. By fearing a negative outcome, I am creating one.
And this ("I am not sure where it is going") is labelling, which is precisely what I am trying to prevent. The irony is that I am manifesting his behaviour (the labelling) by speculating "where it is going". It is ironic how I am condemning HF for labelling (by using the terminology "friends") and this is precisely what I am doing by speculating "where it is going".
Clearly a self-projection!
No, merely a reflection of his behaviour. I need to use my Last Message to divert the energy flow in a different direction. Away from this conversation about our friendship, which is in danger of dominating our relationship. And towards something more positive.
In CW's eyes, it is not a self-projection. She sees that as him giving mixed signals which I need clarification on. She definitely would not talk until I feel ready so that I can feel strong enough to handle whatever is said. I must take my time with this. I should not let him ease his conscience if it is making me feel worse. He has done enough to impact how I am feeling. I should not give him a way to do more damage!
I am not listening to his words, I am listening to his actions. It seems to me that he has some sort of feelings for me (by persisting to message me). But he is protecting himself by hiding his feelings for me under the guise of "friends". So that he can get to know me. Without hugging or kissing. This is OK. I can still be "friends" with him but only as long as I am getting something out of the situation. I can still talk to him as long as I am taking care of myself at every step of the way. Managing my own expectations. Which also means I am now available to "date" other people. I cannot control or prevent the friend zoning. But I can control my response to it. If I truly like him, I will respect his boundaries. But only, only if and when I feel ready, strong and capable.
Sun 1:06 AM
Walking on a guy? By the way, Benny did not know that I am gay, too. He guesses that we are more fluid than we think under the right circumstances. 😊
I completely forgot that I sent Benny this message. I was drunk. I have had a crazy drama-filled weekend. Welcome to an insight into my mad world. 🤪
When I was in my early twenties, I was never open about my sexual identity / preferences.
Having said that, I have never adopted the gay label. I prefer to think of myself as fluid.
The best people are individuals and like different things at different times. Good that I am more comfortable with who I am now.
How am I feeling? Delicate. Weepy. About to cry. Emotional. I know that HF is waiting for me to message him back. Right now, I just do not feel strong. Too much, I am reminded of how I felt when Nathan friend zoned me back in 2006. How he kept messaging me when he thought that I was not talking to him. How negatively I respond. How afraid I felt. How that fear manifested. The acknowledgement of my feelings towards Nathan changed the dynamic back then. I was too scared of history repeating itself that I allowed it to repeat itself. And now, I feel exactly the same way about HF. He is persisting at talking as friends. I want to. I feel unable to do so. Because I am still hurting inside. I am hurting not because of him. But because of what I have been through. I do not know how to move forwards other than to take time out. I cannot respond in the moment without manifesting the same happening all over again.
HF has denied friend zoning me in front of others.
Maybe I could contact Nathan and ask him what he thinks that I should do. Put himself in HF's shoes. Tell me what he would want me to do.
Interesting coincidence that Jenny described them to me as "dictators" (privately) and a joke was made in the rebel group about the other 4 admins being "dictators".
I am bracing myself because the South London WhatsApp group is the only one in which I am the sole admin (by accident not design). I am bracing myself for the possibility that the other 4 admins might approach me asking to rebrand it. I have not rebranded it and have no intention of doing so (at the moment). My loyalty is with Jenny and the old group! 💪
[07:41, 27/07/2021] Sam: Okay looks like we have a clear winner, I'll close the poll now
[12:01, 27/07/2021] +44: Whens the next park meetup?
[20:19, 27/07/2021] Rory Duffy: I would really like to, just been feeling a bit emotional last few days 😌 nothing that I haven’t experienced before 😅 I’m a soldier, I’ve got this 💪
Rory spent the first few years of his life in an ice cave, carving out his palace of wonder. He's a bit of a love doll, but he who melts the ice shall have his reward.
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I have been recommended to acknowledge and process all that I have been though, where it all started from how it has affected me.