My messages sound fine to my MH Champion. She agrees that the most important point is that I feel marginally better having sent them, which is good. And the fact that I am expressing myself, with caution, respect of myself and of the guy as well. I am on the right path.
That is sensible advice. On Wednesday, I felt depressed (because I had suggested meeting up and did not have a backup plan in place). But I received all of the nice messages on my birthday. I thought...you know what, why am I wasting my emotions on strangers who do not appreciate or value me? There are more important people to think about. I was able to put it to one side with the satisfaction knowing that I had behaved respectfully. I do not think that Sam even remembered about my birthday even though I mentioned it to him.
Sure enough, after the "I like you too", I received:
[26/05/2021, 09:32:22] Rory Duffy: I hope too ☺️ xx
It seems to me like he might have been after my validation and not real love (unless I am completely misinterpreting). At the moment, I do not feel comfortable messaging him back yet. Like a psychiatrist said to me in 2019, I should avoid ambiguous messages, and it is too ambiguous what is going on here. But I will do so eventually (always my rule). I have felt hurting and maybe did not protect myself enough by giving away something to a stranger that I did not need to give. I have learned something for the next time! To act a bit stricter. Just focusing on getting myself out there in the world. I have options and I am doing well organising and attending the Meetup events. Tonight, I have a 2nd birthday party with 18 of us, and I have a couple of socials (walk/pub on Saturday and bowling on Sunday).
At the boat, I spoke to Rob. I told him that I kissed another guy. We ended up having a laugh about it and agreed that we are probably more like friends plus. He still stayed over and nothing much feels like it has changed so it has worked out well with him.
I am told that so many people love and appreciate me.
When I told Rob that I had kissed another guy last Friday, he asked me where I met this other guy. I admitted that I met him on Tinder. I apologised, I should have told him that I was dating. Rob admitted to me that when we first started seeing one another, he dated a couple of other guys. Had I known at the time, I might have hurt even more given the fragile state that I was in. Perhaps it was wise him not telling me until now. It does not mean that he never intended to tell me or that he was purposefully hiding something from me. It was more that he could see how much I was hurting when we got together and wished to protect me.
I said that I felt like a hypocrite because I felt like I pressurised him into the relationship and now I kissed someone else. Rob said that he felt like he pressurised me! I think that he was referring to the time that he tried to have sex with me and I asked him to wait. We agreed that we might have put pressure on one another, Rob put physical pressure on me and I put psychological / emotional pressure on him! 😂
Rob said that the relationship did not seem to be working as much recently. He said that we have not acted as a couple (like we used to) for a while. He suggested that we want different things. I told him how much I appreciate him and value what we have built. I did not wish to put a label to it. This is why I love the term friendship because it is all-encompassing.
It did not feel like a "breakup" conversation. It simply felt good to act honest and open with one another. I told him how I did not want to hide anything from him. When we went to bed, I drunkenly said something about not wanting hide anything from him. Rightfully, he asked me what I was hiding from him. I could not think of an answer and I fell asleep next to him. In the morning, he did not bring it up. I felt awkward because I acted "intense" with him. But I did not remember what I said (and neither did he). So I did not bring it up. Maybe there was not actually anything to say at that point but I was trying to reassure him in some way.
Rory spent the first few years of his life in an ice cave, carving out his palace of wonder. He's a bit of a love doll, but he who melts the ice shall have his reward.
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I have been recommended to acknowledge and process all that I have been though, where it all started from how it has affected me.