[23:01, 27/07/2021] HF: Thanks for such kind words Rory!
Nothing much more that I need to say in my Last Message. I am emotionally and mentally spent. Last night, I nearly went on the dating apps again. I could not bring myself to do it. I felt exhausted. Maybe a few days or a couple of weeks break might be the ticket (like ERD recommended). It is disappointing as I prefer dating in summer. This summer has not been as prolific as 2019. But 2019, I was mentally unwell. I was a little crazy and off the rails. Maybe that is why I had more dates in 2019? Because crazy people attract crazy people?
The irony is, HF might clock the reason why I took a 6-month break from Okcupid. Full circle.
Nov 13, 2020, 7:44 PM
I feel like I have lost interest and momentum in my various hobbies - online shopping, music, frisbee, Meetup groups, gym. I am getting less out of them. I had a balance before and lately, I have been feeling off balance. I know that guys are a trigger for me. I tend to get carried away and swept up by them.
I have lost focus and concentration on my work. I find myself distracted easily. I might be suffering from a case of mild depression. Even something so simple as the WiFi stalling means that I am only too happy to get off a conference call and have my own silence and space. I am burnt out emotionally and mentally.
Even lost my appetite and interest in food. I have been feeling drowsy and not wanting to get out of bed in the morning. This morning, I overslept both alarms. Although only by about 45 minutes.
Last Saturday was the 1st 20s & 30s / Ku / G-A-Y / Heaven pilgrimage since restrictions were completely lifted. For months, I had this night planned in my head. I checked the listings at Heaven weeks in advance to see if I could book ahead. I put so much thought into this 1st Saturday night of freedom. I worked out in the gym since early spring. I even planned my outfit months in advance. I could picture it. I would be in the middle of a crowded dance floor. With a cute guy. We would be dancing and kissing. All of my friends around us. Instead, I was friend zoned in G-A-Y by the guy who I had dated 4x. He ended up in the nightclub (albeit not Heaven). I ended up at home eating a jar of pesto. The following morning, I woke up to a photo sent to over 200 people. Of the same guy cosied up next to another guy. In that nightclub. Why is this so typical of my life? Despite how much I plan ahead, life invariably does not work out in the way that I expected.
I am not feeling acutely suicidal. However, I have been having thoughts about ending my life spectacularly on my 40th birthday (27th May 2027). At the moment, it is a long distance plan. Nothing that I am going to act on immediately. But as it stands, I cannot see myself living beyond my 40th birthday. This is simply something that feels natural and right to me.
I know that the depression is like a cloud. It will pass.
I do not understand why I am feeling this way. There is nothing wrong with how HF responded. I do not know how to articulate myself in a way in which I am not acting like a docile doormat or putting myself out there for rejection. Last night, I was thinking about love. And what happened on Bridgerton Season 1. That episode where they get married and everything feels cool and contrived on their honeymoon. But then they admit to one another that they burn for one another. And the sex is more insane as a result. Watching Bridgerton was somewhat triggering. I could only watch one episode at a time (they are quite long - 1 hour) It is intense. It is like Tinder set in a parallel / alternative universe. It has reminded me how much falling in love is a risk. No matter how much I try to avoid taking risks in life through self control and self regulation, those risks are always going to be there. What would be the point of quitting the LGBTQ scene? Hiding myself away? None. If anything, all that I would be doing is restricting my options and contracting my networks. Risk is something that I can never get away from in life. All that I can do is focus on risk management. How I choose to manage those risks. Like having a backup option if someone lets me down. Love itself is a risk. It is a force that we cannot control.
1 Corinthians 13
On Saturday, Rob is meeting me. At least that is something to look forward to. I think that this works perfectly because I would like a temporary break from the 20s and 30s community for one weekend to lie low / play it cool while the drama subsides (who cares about me anyway?). I feel torn about the groups. I would like to support Jenny and the original group. But I want to find out what her plans are for it going forward. And I would still like to be involved (as an admin) with the rebels group. But I am feeling a little left behind. Having not wanted to betray Jenny. I did not want there to be this split. Why cannot we all work together? Would the rebels group still keep me on as an admin if they knew that I am still working with Jenny? Would Sam clock that I already pay for an organisers account on Meetup and that I have a ready-made group with members that I could potentially rebrand with the rebels group name and branding? There is no point putting myself out there if all that I am doing is risking more rejection.
[18:59, 13/07/2021] Sam: Yeah... I mean I've been through periods before when I've had high levels of depression / anxiety (though not at the level of wanting to go through with suicide), and I've had to take friends to the hospital after ODing, know others who have committed suicide etc... So its relatively close to home
[13:51, 26/07/2021] Sam: Hey Rory, I just wanted to check on and see how you were feeling around this whole drama that's happened the last day or so. I feel like you've kind of been stuck in the middle as this has all unfolded etc... Which you definitely didn't sign up for.
It is wise to keep my options open for as long as possible. I have managed to buy myself some time. However, if I am not present on Saturday, if Sam does ask me if I would like to remain as an admin, I would need to provide a definitive affirmation. Previously, I have alluded to Sam about my depression. Having experienced depression himself, he already understands where I am coming from. Using that relationship / prior understanding to my advantage was smart. That line was exactly the ticket to buy me time.
Meanwhile, GS has announced the return of the Gay Pub Crawl, which clashes with the SB&GG Twilighting event this Friday. I see that Ian is signed up as an event host for the Gay Pub Crawl (even though he is already signed up for the Twilighting). I have only seen the announcement on Facebook. No doubt it will be on Meetup + GS. I have checked the Twilighting. 24 “Attending” + 8 on Wait List. I see Ilyas is on the wait list. It is more likely that Ian will come if Ilyas is on the Attending List. Therefore, I have used the Meetup platform to my advantage and bumped up the guest list to 30 (without notifying the venue). Sure, there will be loads of no-shows (there were 9 on a previous Meetup). So, it is highly unlikely that there will be more than 24 people anyway (which is what I have booked). And if more do cram in (even more unlikely), it is extremely unlikely that the venue will do a head count and tell people to leave. Especially now that the restrictions have lifted. I have not been logging into Meetup with everything that has been happening. But I have noticed the RSVP emails flying into my inbox.
Perhaps I also need to take a break from GS? I saw how I was on the Freedom Party last Friday. Today, it took me several hours today to remember the identity of the 3rd guy who I tried to pull. Without checking the scheduled journal entry in which I outlined all of my "options". Let alone the name of the Latino guy (which I still cannot remember). I even mis-quoted his country. He was from Honduras. Not Ecuador. Ecuador was a country that came up in the Friday Quiz. Easy mistake to make. It was still on my brain. Anyway, he did not seem reciprocative of my flirting. Despite how much I pushed him and made my feelings obvious. Or understanding that I might have forgotten his name or named the wrong country. The right guy for me would look beyond those seemingly insignificant flaws and see the real me.
Besides, I have done nothing wrong. All that I did was act promiscuously. Because I was drunk and desperate. I am an emotionally needy person (like many people). I was resorted an attempt at re-sparking kisses with Marvin (even though I am not that interested in him). In vicinity of the other Latino guy. More rejection. There are much worse things to do at a Meetup (like act aggressively and fall out with the organisers) than trying to pull 3 different guys at once. What are they there for if it is not to pull?
Maybe I take things too fast. I rush my feelings. I am insecure enough to want to be on someone's arm all night long. But that is perfectly OK and understandable. I am a loving (kind) person. Like I said to HF, I already know that I am a nice person and that maybe this is my downfall. Maybe that is why he friend zoned me? Because he questioned my loyalties and wanted to protect himself from jealousy?
By conventional standards, I might be "too nice" (up for hugging and kissing anyone, hey!). Maybe people do not know how to handle my affections or my directness. At a previous Meetup, I made a joke about it. I said something like "I fancy everyone, by attending this Meetup, guys are taking a massive risk!" Maybe I could pick up that joke and run with it again. It is a nice disclaimer. And who is to say that those guys will be at another Meetup again in future anyway? I might have scared them off. Pretty boys who are here today, gone tomorrow, not knowing what they want and always seeking what they need elsewhere. I am still here. I exist. I am in the scene. I am part of the crowd. As long as I can maintain a positive rapport with everyone (without getting hurt in the process), I cannot go far wrong.
[13:47, 28/07/2021] Rory Duffy: Where would you like to meet at 6?
With regards to the groups.
However, the need has not yet arisen and the question has not been asked. At the moment, it would not make sense for me to offer it. Keep an eye on the "What in the actual gay" WhatsApp group over the next few days (especially after I have met Jenny and James). To gauge whether or not they wish to use the Meetup platform. Hopefully, by then, I should have a clearer idea of what I feel like doing.
With regards to the Instagram raid:
The new account that the 4 rebel admins have set up is already at 40+ followers. I hijacked it in order to help out Jenny. Because I was angry at how the 4 rebel admins had treated her. This was my little jab to help her (and me) feel better. For my personal satisfaction and karma. I have not yet been busted for it. They will probably forget about it soon, now that they have rebuilt the account. Unsolved mystery. Who cares? Ultimately, it was Jenny's decision to delete everything from the account. All that I did was change the password and share it with her. I had every confidence that the 4 rebel admins would rebuild the account anyway. So, as long as I do not mention it to anyone, I should be OK.
I need to be EXTRA careful to not get into a discussion about the groups' politics with James. Let alone reveal to him what I did. It is too soon. I continue to withhold my silence. My role is to listen and gauge. There is no reason to disclose my allegiance until I have worked out what it is. Officially, I am prioritising my loyalty to Jenny and the 7000 members of the original group. At the same time, I am keeping my options open with the rebel group. Keeping them sweet (despite my part in the devious Instagram raid). While I still can.
With regards to James:
I can continue to use the HF alibi and steer the conversation back towards that. #convenient
Plus whoever he has been dating, of course.
With regards to the members who have contacted me (Seyi. Yasmin and Caitlin):
At this point, there is no need to respond. I can leave responding and continue to maintain my silence until everything is worked out. Now is not the time.
If Jenny changes her mind about meeting me this evening:
I will cross that bridge when I come to it.
On the other hand, I might be over-speculating. 😏
Rory spent the first few years of his life in an ice cave, carving out his palace of wonder. He's a bit of a love doll, but he who melts the ice shall have his reward.
332 Brixton Road
Samaritans, 24 hours, on 116123 or email:
I have been recommended to acknowledge and process all that I have been though, where it all started from how it has affected me.