Ansh came up in my Tinder feed. Although the other night's dream did not exactly come true, it has manifested itself in another way that is close enough to what happened with Avi (in light of what has happened in this journal). This time, I screen shotted Ansh but closed the app instead of moving forwards through the stack. I wanted to throw caution to the winds with the possibility that the Tinder stack might naturally refresh itself without me having to pass judgement on his card. Tough luck. Unfortunately, I logged into Tinder again today and Ansh was still there, still leering at me. Something had to be done to get him off my conscience.
This is karma. This is payback for all of those difficult thoughts and feelings that I had to work through back in 2019. And all that pain.
I have tried to "move on". But these ghosts from the past keep coming back to torment and haunt me. When I least want them to. They pay the price. Of visibility. Of transparency. He is out there. Still looking for something. Or someone. What is he looking for (other than sex)?
I do not think that there is a price being paid here. What Ansh does not know cannot possibly affect him. Unless he stumbles across this entry. Also, it sounds like I am judging him as someone who is "looking for sex". 03/01/22
There is something inhuman about his smile. Something demonic. Something that wants sex. And nothing else. Judging by the limited text on his profile. That is simply a fake façade / mask to make out that there is a "real" human being behind this fleeting avatar.
This might be a projection. 03/01/22
Again, it sounds like I am judging him as a "fleeting avatar". When this is simply my perspective and interpretation of him.
This guy kissed me, lured me back to his apartment and then turfed me out when he realised that he was not going to get what he wanted out of me.
How would I know what he wanted out of me? 03/01/22
On our first date, I warned him that if he "disappeared" from my life, he would become another annal (excuse the pun) in my history. Sonia told me that this was too much to tell someone on a first date. But I meant it. And I have stuck true to my words.
This is the same guy who booty-called me 2 months later and has not responded since I told him that I was out on a gig (30/08/2019). This is the same guy who randomly turned up at the M&M 3 months later, looking for...what? I do not know (28/09/2019). The same guy who blocked me on WhatsApp (for no particular reason).
Did he? 03/01/22
The same guy who subsequently blanked me outside Oval station on a hot day while walking around without a shirt on (25/08/2021).
Did he? 03/01/22
Retribution is sweet.
Why do I need "retribution?" For what? 03/01/22
People have told me not to change myself. As advised, I am going to continue taking my triggers and all of their associated uncomfortable thoughts and feelings, screwing them up into a big ball and burying them deep in the sky. This is about me taking depression, giving it the middle finger and kicking it on its crumpled arse. Where it belongs.
The problem with this entry is that it sounds aggressive, like I am blaming Ansh. My real issue is with Tinder. The app should have a feature to flag specific cards who you have already dated. So that they are not "presented as possibilities" again. Then again, I dated Ansh off Chappy. Therefore, there is no way in which either Hinge or Tinder would be informed of this. Unless there would be a way of informing those apps. Which there is not. Which brings me back to the issue that it is not possible to search in apps. They only enable you to browse. This is a shame. It would be nice to search and flag members so that they are not "presented as possibilities". To prevent triggering situations like this from happening in future.
Regardless of who is "to blame", there is nothing wrong or illegal with sharing Ansh's Tinder. This data is publicly available. I am a member of the public. When Ansh joined Tinder, Ansh effectively shared his data with Tinder and waived responsibility. Tinder acquired his data for the purpose of sharing with other members of the public. So, in essence, what I have done here (shared Ansh's Tinder) is no different to what Tinder has already done (shared Ansh's Tinder with me). This is a risk that Ansh took when he joined Tinder. I accept that the same waiver applies to me, which is why I am extremely careful about what images I put on Tinder. Lest someone else shares my data in a similar way.
However, it is important to recognise that the reason for doing this is in spite of Tinder, not Ansh. If Ansh took issue with the fact that I have shared his Tinder, he would have to take up his issue with Tinder (who made that data available in the first place), not with me.
My reason / motivation for sharing this data is simply my way of repaying karma for Tinder sharing Ansh's card with me. Whether or not this impacts Ansh is irrelevant. This is between me and Tinder.
If Ansh took issue, that would be between him and Tinder separately. 03/01/22
Rory spent the first few years of his life in an ice cave, carving out his palace of wonder. He's a bit of a love doll, but he who melts the ice shall have his reward.
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I have been recommended to acknowledge and process all that I have been though, where it all started from how it has affected me.