Anyway, I decided that there was no point in sitting around moping and feeling sorry for myself. He is only one guy. Plenty more fish in the sea. Right? Or so I am told. By everyone. I managed to get myself back on a few dating apps. Who should come up? The guy with whom it was going well but decided to change the direction of the relationship completely. From who I still have not managed to emotionally "move on".
Right now, I am feeling confused. He said that he was not looking for a romantic partner due to "too much going on in [his] life right now with the move and the rest". Which begs the question: what is he doing back on Tinder? He must be looking for someone. I know about the move. What about "the rest"? Other guys in his life? Was the friend zoning nothing more than a cover up? Was I not enough for him? Only I can answer that question.
[17:08, 25/07/2021] Hafyz: Why are you not responding?
[23:53, 26/07/2021] Hafyz: Can we talk? As friends?
The last few messages and the missed calls seemed to be him clearing his conscience onto me. One last swipe. The reason why he was trying to reach me was because he possibly felt bad for leading me on and wanted to cleanse his palette. Thus freeing him to "move on" to whoever his next conquest might be. And leaving me feeling worse.
[20:28, 27/07/2021] Rory Duffy: That’s ok hun like you I’m an open book and I can’t easily hide how I feel (despite how much I try!), I like to express myself x that’s why I needed to go home as I was feeling like I outstayed your welcome 🙏
My responses were kind and "doormat". I put it all on me. Hey, no-one taught me to protect myself. I do not know how to formulate middle ground responses. Without giving something away to someone who might not be deserving of my kindness. I even hinted at my kindness being my downfall.
I have tried to reach out to CMHT / MH Champions. My parents will not talk to me about guys. I am feeling abandoned. Hafyz was persisting on the phone. Trying to wrench whatever last shred of self that I had left within me. I needed to say something. So as not to lose him. Now he has what he wanted. Will I ever hear from him again?
[23:01, 27/07/2021] Hafyz: Thanks for such kind words Rory!
On the Meetup / 20s & 30s front, I can only conclude that the other 4 rebel admins have abandoned the "What in the actual gay" WhatsApp group and are having a separate conversation on a separate WhatsApp group without me. How else would they organise an event between themselves? Private messages?
I have noticed that I am still an admin on both of their main WhatsApp groups.
OMG what is happening here?
Thank you, just as I predicted. 🙄
Although I agreed to host some of them, Jenny did not consult me about the dates / times. This is the first that I have heard of it. And apparently, I am a host. Does this mean that the other admins are going to judge for themselves that I am no longer needed as an admin on their group? They are already discussing whether or not to have a Meetup page. Have they thought to consider that I already have a paid organiser account and could build it for them? For free? Are they ever going to be in touch again? Or are they going to conclude that the reason for my silence is not due to my depression but due to me working with Jenny?
If they do remove me as an admin, I always have the option of consulting Sam as to the reasons why. If they remove me simply because I appear to be affiliated with Jenny, those would be the wrong reasons. And it would only confirm that these are the wrong people to be working with. I never said that I could not support both sides (as I hinted to Jenny last night). Why should there be a conflict of interest?
I am thankful that Niall has pointed out that there is no need to spend any money just yet and talking about confronting the issue.
In a way, Claire mentioning it in the Queer 20s/30s LDN Chat has done Jenny a favour. She has effectively done the PR for Jenny's event! Signposted 200+ people to it!
Claire's messages are triggering. They are divisive and confrontational. I am feeling vulnerable in this toxic environment. Why can we not work together? Why do we have to work against one another? Why does it have to turn into a competition or yet another opportunity to slate Jenny in front of 200+ people? I am seriously considering leaving the LGBTQ world altogether. It is stressing me out far too much.
But wait... Are these not the same issues that I experienced within the music industry? The sense of not being included? The feeling of wanting to give up? Is that an energy or Self Fulfilling Prophecy that I carry around with me? Is it time to start planning my funeral?
Thinking ahead, I am now beginning to understand my role in this. If Sam does contact me about remaining as an admin, that might be the point at which to offer the Meetup page. I know that Jenny might not feel happy about me doing this. If it came to that, I would need to reassure Jenny that my rationale for doing this is to keep an eye with what is going on in the group and ensure that the two groups become mutually harmonious to one another. Jenny & I agreed that this should never have happened. However, if it is going to be 2 separate groups from now on, the least that I can do is to try and bridge the divide.
Athough Jenny was rightfully annoyed and upset at the female rebel admins, she had some positive words about Sam. This is encouraging and promising. Maybe if I (from Jenny's POV) can have a dialogue with Sam (from the other rebel admins POV), it might help to bridge the divide and heal these wounds.
"Keep your friends close. And your enemies closer..." (although they should not be my enemies)
Self Fulfilling Prophecy
Relationships. There are high points and low points. But never the beginning or end of a relationship.
I am like ice. It only takes a fire to melt me. And I am swept away in the current.
[14:42, 29/07/2021] Claire: Update for all you beautiful people, we're working on this Saturdays plans! We will update you ASAP!!!
Rory spent the first few years of his life in an ice cave, carving out his palace of wonder. He's a bit of a love doll, but he who melts the ice shall have his reward.
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I have been recommended to acknowledge and process all that I have been though, where it all started from how it has affected me.