07/08/2021, 15:13 - Natasha: Hi everyone! This is not to cause drama at all, the admins just wanted to raise that after we spoke about calling retro bar on this group, we tried to book and we couldn’t as another group had just called up to book for 30. We therefore spent the last hour looking for an alternative, but were struggling to find anything. Retro bar just called us now to say the group of 30 just cancelled, and they told us that it was the LGBT 20s+30s group. Now this is not to cast accusations at all, if someone on this group knows about this and did this with good intentions it would be really helpful if you could let us admins know. Otherwise it seems that someone on this group has reported back to the other group about our plans and intentionally tried to sabotage them. I genuinely cannot see another explanation at this stage.
Out of curiosity, I wanted to see the message from Natasha about the other week's Retro raid. Surreptitiously, I used Rob's phone to search for "spy" and "Natasha" in the Whatsapp chat. Thinking that I was searching for any mention of my name, Rob searched for "Rory" in the Whatsapp chat. In the end, I just used his phone to do an export of the chat and email it to myself.
Today, I am feeling anxious due to the planning of the SB&GG Meetup group and wanting to prevent a clash with the GS Meetup group. I have not yet heard back from Ade. I would like to confirm which dates he has planned for the GS Meetup group in order for me to reschedule and book my Twilight events. Today, I know that the GS has another event (clashing with one of mine). So, I should wait until tomorrow before asking. It might feel like bombarding him if I ask today and he has an event on. He might also feel threatened about me asking and questioning my motives. If they had an event every Friday, there would be no issue. I could do mine whenever.
Now, I realise that the error was completely mine. Instead of booking every 2nd / 4th Friday of a month (or every 1st / 3rd Friday of a month), it is better to simply do it fortnightly on a Friday, regardless of which number Friday in the month. Since some months have 5 Fridays. Now, I understand that this is how GS schedules it. It is a much cleaner way of scheduling. In reality, GS did not change their dates. I effectively did.
The other thing that is mildly stressing me out is that I have had a think about the dinners and decided that I would like to move those to Thursdays. There is too much already happening on a Friday, especially if I have decided to keep the Twilight events as fortnightly. But the factor that is causing me anxiety is that Alex has offered to host and on Friday, I told him that I was considering keeping the dinners on a Friday. Today, I will see him at the picnic and explain to him that I have changed my mind regarding this. I hope that it does not cause any issues. But I do think that it makes more sense (in the long term) to have the drinking on a Friday, the dinners on a Thursday and the coffees on a Wednesday.
Yesterday evening, at Retro Bar, I had another marathon crying session over Avi Taler. In public. It was the alcohol. It makes me emotional. I confided in Megan over the Avi 5 entry. I recounted the following:
I cannot remember at which point I started crying. But by the end of this blow-by-blow account, I was properly blubbering into Megan's shoulder as I showed her all of the messages. It was in front of everyone at the Meetup event. Although I felt embarrassed, I felt comfortable enough to show my emotions and to know that it is not weak to cry in front of others. Why was I doing this? I guess that I was trying to demonstrate to Megan that it is OK to cry. There is too much social pressure to "be happy" and mask whatever you are feeling with medication. I believe that it is more effective "medication" to talk and cry about something openly (some self help groups actively prescribe crying sessions as a form of therapy). At some point during my conversation with Megan, I admitted to her that I am still planning on not living beyond 40. And that is OK. It is up to the people who want me to stay to give me a reason to stay. I also said something embarrassing to Megan about having swiped right on one of the guys at the Meetup event (James - the same guy who had publicly questioned my motives on 03/08/2021). Subsequently, this guy met me at the bathroom and asked me if I was OK. He had seen me crying. I laughed it off and joked that it is the alcohol, it makes me emotional. But it felt good to get it out. We all carry pain, to some extent. There is no shame in that. I only wish that Avi Taler could see that my pain was not due to him but because he manifested what I was afraid of to begin with. And why I could not move forwards with Avi Taler (or any other guy) initially. And why Avi Taler put pressure on me at the start. Now he sees. Now he knows. Now he understands. Some people come into your life to teach you a special message. Nothing more. They leave your life with that message. A soul contract. I can remember that this pain was already inside of me. Avi Taler was there as a soul contract (a catalyst) to draw that pain out of me. I needed to confront what happens (= how I respond) when a guy comes into my life, fools me into thinking that there is something between us and disappears. I needed to challenge that in my response. I told Megan that Avi Taler is still out there somewhere, hiding from me. If not him, it is someone else.
Rory spent the first few years of his life in an ice cave, carving out his palace of wonder. He's a bit of a love doll, but he who melts the ice shall have his reward.
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I have been recommended to acknowledge and process all that I have been though, where it all started from how it has affected me.