When are we meeting? I am not sure. I am hoping that I can get some more work with BSC. So we will meet then, I guess. OK. What about during the week? I am not sure. Probably best if I see him at work for the time being.
OK. My wish.
I assure him not to worry. We will meet soon.
RV tells me that he is not working much with BSC. And even less possibility that we both obtain work at the same place. So less chance that we meet. It is OK Rory. Leave it. OK no worries. RV says that he knows that I do not want to meet him. There is no point in forcing me.
It is not that I do not want to. It is that I do not feel right about meeting him yet. I am not ready for this.
It’s not that I’m afraid of things not working out,
RV says that meeting someone for a coffee does not hurt anything. He will not be in London for a long time. By the time that I feel that I am ready to meet him, he might not be here anymore.
I understand. I am sorry. He is a nice guy. I do want to see him again. But I know that if we meet up, I will feel awkward and self-conscious about what we talked about before and under pressure to give him something that I am not sure that I am able to give. I would not wish that upon him.
2 problems here:
RV says that he does not expect anything from me.
If we do not see each other, no worries. There are plenty of other guys for him. If we do see each other, great. But I would rather leave things to fate so that we can be natural and ourselves.
OMG. RV wants to meet me. Please. Just relax, he says.
I am saying it like it is. I know how he feels about me and no matter how much he says that he does not expect anything, I would still feel under pressure. But I do not want to lead him on because that is not fair on him.
Self Subjugation for the sake of honesty. Putting another guy's feelings above my own. Deep down, I knew that I wanted to meet him. But I already had such a low opinion of myself that I automatically did not trust myself to do something as simple and as trivial as going out for a drink with him. I was already damaged by my previous experiences with guys that I was not able to move forwards with anyone. 26/03/21
RV reminds me that he does not expect anything from me. No way. He does not want to do anything all of a sudden. Let us meet and know each other. Let us not have any expectations. Let us keep it simple.
I am sorry. I cannot. I feel like he is chasing me. Sorry. My head is not in the right place at the moment. I cannot deal with this. It is stressing me out. Sorry. I tell him to please try to relax and concentrate on people who deserve my care and attention. If I change my mind, I will let him know. But he must not hold me to that.
Of course my head was not in the right place. I had not allowed myself the chance to process what I had been through previously up until this point. See: Andy, FF, Nathan, Harry, Neil, Grant Russell. 26/03/21
I am not sure if I want to meet him?
I am not sure and I do not want to make a decision.
This was like saying I do not want to be in control anymore. I did not trust myself to do the "right thing". Compare this to the things that I was saying on 02/05/2019 and 28/05/2019. These thoughts and feelings arose out of low Self Esteem. 26/03/21
Looking back on all of this. I had not processed what I had been through in the past. It was all that I knew. I had reservations about meeting this guy (who I was interested in) because I associated relationships with all of the uncomfortable, difficult and unnerving experiences that I had before. Especially with the shame aspects (discussed in 02/04/2012). I felt somehow accountable or responsible to someone, like I should somehow "think, say and do all of the right things". This pressure of social expectation in knowing how to behave and conduct myself was playing into my fears and insecurities.
People had criticised or shamed me in the past for feeling a certain way about someone. These beliefs I took upon myself. I did not allow myself to feel things simply because I felt embarrassed and criminalised for feeling these things in the first place. I felt like I was somehow "obliged" to an unseen force, or that I should not interfere with destiny. That my time would somehow come and that if I tried to change anything, I would ruin it (compare to Victoria telling me in 2019 that I "seep everything good out"). Worse still, I was under societal pressure to not question or explore those questions and that I should simply "let things be".
The reality is that I received no guidance in how to process and manage my thoughts and feelings. I was shamed to such an extent that I was no longer asking for help. I was driving myself underground. I was suppressing my emotions and shying away from them because I was led to believe that they were somehow "bad". That I was "toxic" and "contagious". Anything that I touched would break and fall apart. This is a belief that was somehow imposed on me as I was growing up and led to a negative self worth. The difference between 2012 and 2019 is that in 2012 I was not even attempting to help myself, whereas in 2019, I was learning to ask for help.
Guys and relationships were a trigger for me (as in they would draw out my loneliness). At the time, this is why I "hid myself away" from them. For the sake of not causing trouble or embarrassment for myself and others. I failed to realise that there was a reason for this loneliness existing there in the first place. And the possibility that I had not addressed or processed it. It was not the guys that were the problem. It was how I responded and dealt with my problems. How I treated myself on account of those problems.
Compare this to when I said "I would rather BE alone than FEEL lonely." 30/01/2021
It seems like I am attributing guys and relationships to be the cause of my Loneliness. I am focusing too much on the triggers themselves and not enough on my response to those triggers.
However, it is important not to blame myself. I was young. I was inexperienced. I was lacking the mental health guidance and support that I possibly might have required at this time. I am happy to look at my messages with RV and see that there was nothing in them that was offensive or upsetting. I was simply not ready. I was feeling things that I was too afraid to let myself feel. I could not handle myself. If I could not handle myself, I could not handle another person. Given what I had been through already, I simply was not ready for a relationship, because loneliness, feeling "out of control" and negative feelings of self worth was all that I ever knew and associated with relationships. It is encouraging to see that I at least tried to act honestly towards RV and respect his feelings. I cannot fault myself for that. But maybe going out for a coffee or drink (despite the simplicity of it) was more than I felt ready for at this time. The prospect felt too much like a "date". That is OK. I am a sensitive person.
When is his birthday? 14th November. So he is a Scorpio.
Why do I seem to have a thing for Scorpio? 26/03/21
My birthday is the 27th May. Gemini. This is a cheesy conversation. My fault entirely.
This was my projection talking. 26/03/21
It is not. It is good to know the star signs. It is something that I am always curious about. I say that I do not believe in it but I am always following it.
What do I know about Scorpio? I do not know too much about Scorpio. They live protected lives. They do not like to compromise. It is all or nothing.
RV says that I am sweet. No I am not. But thanks anyway.
Reading this conversation, I noticed that I was lacking in confidence. I automatically put myself down 4x.
You sent April 2, 2012
RV wants to ask me something. Do I have any girlfriend? Or do I have anyone? He apologises if it is a personal question. He feels that we are close. So he is asking. 🙂
I was wondering the same thing. But I am not so sure. I have never been with anyone.
What am I not sure of? What I was wondering about?
I am not sure if it would work with us. That is what I was wondering. Work with us? Us being close. I hardly know him. Right now, I do not think that I am ready to let anyone in. I do not feel comfortable.
RV understands what I feel. He understands. RV would like to tell me something true. He is bisexual. He had a girlfriend. And now he is single. When he was with me, he felt like kissing me. He apologises and says that I was "very good and sweet". He does not expect anything. We might not become close. But we are good mates. RV says that he is not flirting with me. Please do not feel that.
No, it is OK. I do not. Well, I did think that he was flirting with me, but not in a bad way. I would not want to disappoint him. Worse still, hurt my feelings.
This was classic manifestation. In the act of saying this, I was disappointing him and hurting his feelings.
But it is the way in which I am right now. Sorry. An honest answer to an honest question.
Why was I apologising? I had nothing to apologise for. I did not have the confidence in myself to move forwards with him because I lacked the confidence in myself. I was worried about hurting him. This was classic self subjugation. Putting his feelings above my own. My fear for moving forwards with him and not being able to live up to his expectations (not wishing to "lead him on") overrode my desire to try. 26/03/21
Do I have any feelings for guys? Of course I do.
RV says that he does not want to have sex with me. But he wants to kiss me. He apologises for "talking nonsense". He asks me not to mistake him. He said what he feels.
I tell him that it is OK. I do want to see him again. I am not sure when.
RV says that we should go out for a drink.
RV & I are talking on Facebook about WhatsApp. He says that he was taking his body pictures at the gym and asks if he can send them to me. 😛
Come on, tell him.
I answer honestly.
I am afraid that this would be a bit too much for me.
It is positive that I was able to maintain my boundaries with him by answering a question directly. 26/03/21
RV apologises again. Sorry 🙁
He wanted to know what I feel. It is nothing. Just pictures. 🙂
I tell him not to apologise. I appreciate him having asked first before sending.
I am saying it like it is. I am a functional guy. I feel uncomfortable about things that are not to do with work or money. Right now. Not for ever.
This might have been self subjugation or driven by a low confidence issue. Deep down, I wanted to be in love and have relationships but my experience of being a Love Fool (i.e., shamed or behaving erratically when I am in love) put me off.
Compare and contrast this situation against how I responded to Neil. This situation was slightly different because I was actually attracted to RV (I was not attracted to Neil). But they were similar situations in the sense that I perceived love as a "sickness" or "illness" because of the effect that it had on me. I did not understand that this was the treatment that I was giving to myself for allowing myself to feel a certain way about someone. The shame aspects (Wrenching, Victim Blaming and Sympathy Fatigue) fed into my belief that love was "toxic". They drove me to suppress my thoughts and feelings over a long period of time (several years) and shun guys who try to bring me out of my shell.
I wanted relationships. But not all of the emotional / psycho-baggage that came along with it. My experiences up until this point had been uncomfortable and unhappy. Added to this, I was brought up to be "career-minded" and shy away from that stuff. Although that was probably a more minor (20%) effect in comparison to the shaming effect of love (80%). 26/03/21
RV highlights that I have a social life. Does this make sense? We are not robots.
I tell him that he is not. I am.
Automatic / reflexive self subjugation happening again. Placing him above myself when I hardly even know him. 26/03/21
RV laughs. Come on dear...
I am tied up into trying to get things going and making things work.
At the time, I was applying / interviewing for jobs. This was my main focus. Not on serving my own deeper needs. 26/03/21
You sent April 2, 2012
RV highlights that I should enjoy my life.
I am afraid of taking my eye off the ball. I forget about these things.
My concerns were with jobs, money and security. Not with my emotional needs. 26/03/21
I am not saying that I do not want to change. It is just where my head is at the moment. I need to stay in control. Losing control is my greatest fear. I am afraid to let go of things.
I perceived "being in love" as being "out of control". Why was I made to think that? Due to the shaming aspects mentioned above. Classic example - Andy trip to France. I was made to feel ashamed for what I was feeling (due to Sympathy Fatigue). Or maybe I was making myself feel ashamed for what I was feeling by self subjugating (in this case, the other friends on the French trip). I was beating myself up for feeling in love and "out of control", at least of my own emotions. This led to the belief that I need to stay in control, which was like hiding away from all of that emotional / psycho stuff that I associated with love and relationships. I had built a shell and I was adamant not to let myself slip again because I saw how that reduced me to a fraction of the man who I once was. 23/03/21
Regarding the photos, I tell him to stick them up on Facebook. I will check it in the morning.
RV sent April 2, 2012
Rory spent the first few years of his life in an ice cave, carving out his palace of wonder. He's a bit of a love doll, but he who melts the ice shall have his reward.
332 Brixton Road
Samaritans, 24 hours, on 116123 or email:
I have been recommended to acknowledge and process all that I have been though, where it all started from how it has affected me.