I have been rejected from the army because I am a lunatic. 2 incidents of self harm 3 years ago has ruined everything. I do not mind being open about it. I have nothing to hide anymore. I am a loser. everything that I try somehow fails.
Kirsty kindly phoned me up. She said that I did the right thing by posting on Facebook. It was a cry for help. She knew that I had a lot of demons on my mind. But the cloud would pass.
I have been rejected from the army because I'm a fucking lunatic; 2 incidents of self-harm 3 years ago has fucked everything up. and I don't mind being open about it because I've got nothing to hide anymore. I'm a fucking loser and everything that I try somehow fails.
If that was three years ago, they're dickheads not to take you. We all make mistakes. And musically, you're not a farse. You're sounding great and have the right attitude. Try to stay positive mate. Their loss. Cheers Dan
I am on my way out. No-one will notice, let alone care.
The Facebook post was honest and transparent yet infused with low self esteem. Someone else might have perceived that as "not good marketing" or "airing my dirty linen in public". By this stage, I was beyond caring. I felt that I had no more to lose. I was fighting a lost cause.
I might have seen this situation in a more positive light. Realise that my "straightforwardness" is not always easily understood. I saw the "Comments/Suggestions" box like a field on a form into which people could put their thoughts and ideas, for better or for worse.
Unfortunately, people (especially those of the neurotypical variety) assign emotional meaning to something that I might perceive as a non-emotional "tick box". They would rather not make constructive criticism for fear of being shamed or contradicted. People are less honest. It is easier for them to simply disappear.
Or, they simply did not see that message.
People might judge me as "flogging a dead horse". I need to recognise that this was through no fault of my own. I was lacking the backing and support from other people that I needed to give the project the attention or respect that it deserved. It was a fantastic opportunity. I learned a lot from it. I have no regrets. But the original people who thrust me into the limelight to begin with had long since moved on. Leaving me high and dry. I need to give myself more credit. It was a lot of hard work and administration keeping that gig running even for 1 year. Ultimately, it ended not through any failure of my own but simply due to depleted investment.
What people might perceive as "flogging a dead horse" is actually a sign of strength. To keep pushing and pushing against all odds. Following through. It demands a lot of energy. No wonder I was feeling burnt out.
At least I managed to see the funny side of it (taking advantage of the possibility that they did not see the message).
Rory spent the first few years of his life in an ice cave, carving out his palace of wonder. He's a bit of a love doll, but he who melts the ice shall have his reward.
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I have been recommended to acknowledge and process all that I have been though, where it all started from how it has affected me.