[08:08, 16/08/2021] Rory Duffy: Hey Megan. I am aware that I said a lot of things that I shouldn't have said, I was upset and quite triggered on Saturday night. Sorry for those messages. 😓
What have I learned from Megan?
The part about wanting to become a woman makes sense to me now. It always seemed like Hafyz was not sure of who he was or what he wanted. We were doing fine, but he slammed down the breaks for no apparent reason (other than the "moving too fast"). He tried to define and label our relationship. He said that he could not be with anyone right now because of the move and everything else. A week later, I found him on Tinder. Now, he is in Heaven and out for what he can get.
Megan describes Hafyz as "promiscuous" and "self-involved". She showed me the photo of them standing together. My heart melted at his cute smile. But we acknowledged that this is all that he is, a pretty face. It is a false façade. An empty shell, nothing else. There is no-one actually there beneath that façade. Sometimes, I talk about human bodies being occupied by spirits like they are possessed. Hafyz was simply a temptation. I need not be fooled by a pretty face! I was about to talk about the snake in the Garden of Eden (like I did with Roger, back in 2016). At this point, Megan told me that apparently, on Saturday night, Hafyz described himself as the "forbidden fruit". It is strange how the thought about the snake occurred to me a moment before Megan relayed what Hafyz said to me. It is almost like I predicted it. Several times, Megan reiterated that I do not deserve someone like him. I deserve someone better who will take care of me. I vouched that he did not hurt me but that I was hurt by him. He did not do anything wrong or bad. He was completely up front with me. But I needed to see him for what he was. As a test or a challenge. In my last messages to him, I told him that I knew myself well enough to know that I could show love and appreciation towards a person without feeling the need to define or label what I feel or expect the same back in return.
[16:43, 26/07/2021] Rory Duffy: I know myself well enough that I can show love and appreciation towards a person without feeling the need to define or label what I feel or expect the same back from the other person in return. I respect your boundaries so please feel free to decide what you want and go with it. 🙏
While this may or may not be true, it seems to me that Hafyz does not know what love is.
Out of all of the guys who I have been involved with, Hafyz is the only one who has no soul. I need to be happy with him or happy without him.
[13:53, 15/08/2021] Hafyz: Hi I called you will you be able to call me back?
With regards to the missed phone call and messages, I could let my curiosity get the better of me and find out exactly what Hafyz wanted to talk to me about. However, I do not feel a particular motivation or desire to do so. If he truly wanted and needed to speak with me, he could message me. He has not done so. This makes me less curious about what he has to say. The most likely possibility is that he feels like he messed up with Yasmin and wanted to give me his version of events (before CW and Megan could do so). That way, I might not judge him or think any less of him. I guess that he is too late. Mental note for future: observe the subject and how they interact with other people.
[23:24, 14/08/2021] Rory Duffy: If he has any self respect he will intervene
Sometimes, when I am under the influence of alcohol, my demons come out and I let rip on WhatsApp. I become a keyboard warrior. When I was left outside the club, I was on my own with nothing but a walk home and my phone to keep me company. I had half a dozen beers sloshing around inside me. It was a lethal combination. It is no wonder that I might have made some dramatic proclamations on WhatsApp that were triggering (both for me and the target audience). Megan did not mind at all. She assures me that I did nothing wrong. She has asked to message her or call her whenever I feel like talking. I have asked her to do the same.
Circle of irony.
Which brings me back to this: why should I apologise or be made to feel guilty simply for kissing someone and expressing love and action towards them?
Kissing sends me off in a spin of euphoria. It alleviates my depression but increases my anxiety. Some clinics have suggested that I might have elements of Bipolar condition (not "disorder", which is too much of a negative connotation). I experience extreme highs and lows. When I experience anxiety, I put myself in psychological or physical danger by virtue of manifestation. It increases my expectations. The unhealthy relationship that I have with myself is such that the anxiety triggers a mechanism within me. I try to take control of a situation. I end up sabotaging or breaking it in some way. Through my "poisonous" touch.
[11:58, 02/11/2019] Victoria: You are such a horrible person
[24/03/2019, 16:45:30] Avi: Are you alright?
Rather like when Avi Taler kissed me on 23/03/2019. On 28/03/2019, he expressed concern for my wellbeing because of my messages and the fact that I had used the word "giddy". Last night, I had a dream about Avi Taler (which has not happened in months). In the dream, he transitioned into a woman and listened to my composition on SoundCloud. This might have been triggered by what Megan said about Hafyz wanting to transition into a woman. These guys are not sure of themselves.
The same pattern with Avi Taler has repeated itself with Hafyz. I feel love intensely to the extent that it scares the guy away. Watch this video (posted by HZ, whose birthday it was yesterday).
In order to love another person, I must love myself. In order to make someone happy, I must make myself happy. The most important relationship that I will ever have in life is with myself.
A couple of years ago, I experienced psychosis. The first hallucination was during my second overdose on 10/07/2019. I had cleared out my bathroom cupboard. I was sat up against a tree in Vauxhall Pleasure Gardens. I cannot remember how I arrived there. Ephemeral figures were drifting into my midst. But as they entered my field of vision, they disappeared. I was aware that there were certain messages that I needed to respond to. I quickly responded to those messages because I had the sudden sensation that I might evaporate into thin air if I did not. Such was the fragility of my trust in humanity, in myself. I was fragmented, transient and ephemeral. I also thought that my mum was coming to collect me when she was at home near Bristol (I was in London).
My mind was all over the place. I believed that I was being controlled by higher powers. My girlfriends were the manifestations of angels. My boyfriends were the manifestations of demons. All of these manifestations were ironic repetitions of recurring patterns in my life. Some of my girlfriends defected to the dark side and became dark angels. I was a medium. The angels and demons were passing messages to one another through myself acting as a medium. They were deliberating my future but not telling me my future. Instead forcing me to witness it unravel. They knew my destiny but I did not understand why they kept it from me.
In my second hallucination (17/10/2019), some of my exes appeared as office desk chairs. They were tormenting and teasing me with their silent, resolute presences. I was prostrating myself before them and asking them to take me now. I felt out of control. I needed other people to take control of my mind. To sit in the driving seat and let me become a passenger for a while. Just to give me a break from thinking. I also believed that these boyfriends were vexations of the same spirit. And that I was interacting with different aspects (faces) of the same underlying malevolent spirit who was sent to Earth to test me. My care coordinator helped me to understand that these beliefs about being controlled by external forces arose out of a lack in Self Esteem.
[18:52, 15/07/2021] Hafyz: Lol peroni’s my favourite beer
Another future faking, flag waving fool leading me on? Hafyz even talked about us going ice skating in the winter. 👻 🚩
Even during my lucidity, I believe in these convictions. My depression only serves to accentuate them. My disconnection from life and preoccupation with angels, demons and destiny became so acute that my mum considered having me sectioned. People believed that I was a risk to myself. I could not keep myself safe.
When I was a child, I experienced delirious episodes. When I had flu, the virus affected my mind as well as my body. The strongest experience was when I believed that the Earth was inflatable and filled with nothing but air and helium. It was swelling and I had the overriding sensation that if a pin dropped, the world would go BOOM. Other delirious episodes tended to be more abstract. I had the sensation that I was huge and that the objects in the room around me were so tiny that I might crunch them. Or the reverse. Where objects in the room would become large and disproportionate. Even in the darkness, I was overwhelmed with the sight and sensation of every detail on their surface.
With paranoia, I left my phone upstairs. I was downstairs. I believed that there were disenchanted fools listening to my every move through my phone. When I was in the street, I would seize up whenever someone crossed my path. As if they were about to attack me. All day Sunday, I felt paranoid that Hafyz had somehow read my messages and wanted to question me about them. I can understand how and why this has come about. The experience of sitting there petrified watching people making assessments of my character during the WhatsApp takedown on 4th August was enough to drive anyone to paranoia.
With depression, I think of it like a fragmented vase. We are delicate and breakable ceramics. When we experience depression, it is like the pieces of our lives (job, home, family, friends, relationships, hobbies and interests) become fragmented and separated. We start to feel detached from the world. Like we are observers simply going through the motions. It becomes hard for us to reconcile the different aspects of our lives. Because our lives are shattered. We lose that central core of energy (the glue) that holds these pieces together. This is why rediscovering ourselves through an alter-ego can help. An alter-ego is part of our personality (an extension) that has become separated from the rest of us. Rather like one of those ceramic pieces that has broken off from the vase. If we can tap into an alter-ego or persona, we can find an outlet for expressing ourselves in a new and different way. In the words of Atomic Kitten, this can help us to feel whole again.
This is why clothes are so important to me. When I was at the beginning of my depression (April 2019), Sonia advised me to go on a shopping spree. To pamper myself.
[12:14, 11/06/2019] Rory Duffy: I also did what you advised and took myself on a shopping trip, been shopping online, pimping up, pampering myself a bit
A month later, I told Victoria that my main fear was growing old.
Time is passing too fast for me, the summer will be gone in a flash and deep down my main fear now is growing old.
Victoria did not respond to that. As advised, I tried to make myself happy. Victoria could not see where I was coming from.
Like the shattered vase: the more that I hear snippets of information about Hafyz and about what happened on Saturday night, the more that I realise that he exhibits the self-indulgent characteristics of a person who is out for what he can get and cannot show me or anyone sufficient care or love to make a fulfilling relationship. And the less interest that I have in him. And the better I feel about myself not being around him. When we first met, he described himself as "self involved". This was a warning sign. Early on, he asked me to follow his Instagram. Another alarm bell. Although I felt disconcerted, I went along with it because I did not wish to judge or feel bad about anything. Maybe that was simply his way of making friends?
[14:15, 17/07/2021] Hafyz: Are you following me on Instagram?
But it only sucked me in further. It was healthy of me to get away from Hafyz before I became too sucked in. At some level, he realised that he could not give me the affection that I desired and he did not wish to hurt me. He detected my vulnerability. He interpreted my vulnerability (my kisses) as putting him on a pedestal of expectation. Like others have interpreted previously. They cannot handle my affections. They do not know how to show care. Like others, Hafyz pushed me away.
On Sunday, Hafyz wanted to speak with me (for some reason). I have kept my distance. Why? Because I am not obtaining enough validation or comfort out of our friendship to warrant me speaking to him. Maybe in the future, when I am hurting a little less, I might pluck up the courage to ask him to return my cap. Or, I might tell him to keep it because I can easily find another one. As a euphemism for easily finding another bloke like him. He is not different or special. I used to think that he was. But the mask has been removed. And the spark and wonderment has died out. I could do better than him. I am not avoiding him indefinitely. At some point, I will reply. When the time feels right. I am taking my time. I do not feel ready yet. At some point, I will feel ready. Right now, I feel unsafe and uncomfortable about Hafyz. I must take care of myself.
His birthday is coming up soon. He is a Libra. I will see on Facebook. Maybe then? 01/10/21
Why should people judge or feel afraid or threatened when we talk about depression and suicidal ideation? Why does society disengage and shy away from such topics? Why is the default to block or ban (on the basis that such topics are triggering for certain group members) when people simply need an outlet to talk and express themselves? Rather than alienating / isolating / segregating them even more than they feel already? Would that not want to make someone even more likely to go through with it? Where is the love? All that it takes is a little kindness. A friend. Sometimes, people make it feel like this is too much to ask. We must show compassion to ourselves and one another.
I have much love to give. One day, I hope that I will find someone who will appreciate and reciprocate that love. Obviously, it is impossible for Nathan to speak into this situation without knowing Hafyz or the situation. But Nathan would say that with everything that happened between us all of those years ago, he had no doubt then and has no doubt now that I am being entirely truthful and authentic about my feelings and desires and never played him false or unkindly; all of the unkindness and falsehood was on his part, because he was not being truthful about his own feelings and desires, and found it impossible to deal with what was happening between us. He knows that I find this difficult to accept but *I did nothing wrong* - it was all him, and he still admires how honest and open I was with him all the way along, when he hurt me so badly.
With Hafyz, I have again only been my true, authentic, lovely self and - regardless of how he has responded - that is something to be celebrated, not to feel guilt or regret over. Nathan is sorry that Hafyz has not been able or willing to respond to me in the way that I deserve, but that is on Hafyz, not on me. As Nathan and I both now, a relationship can only be a mutual blessing if both parties are committed to revealing their true selves to one another. Nathan has no doubt that this is all that I have ever done, and he wishes that Hafyz had been the person to do the same for me.
Nathan has no great advice, other than to somehow find a way to celebrate my wonderful and inspiring commitment to be truthful and authentic, even amidst heartbreak. Relationships are complicated. Nathan has been dating a guy since the start of this year, and there is much that is absolutely glorious and thrilling, but also much that is terrifying and exposing about opening oneself up to hurting someone and being hurt yourself. Is it worth it? History, poetry and stories seem to tell us that it is. But we must work it out for ourselves.
Last night, I went crazy on WhatsApp. I do not understand what is wrong with me. Why would I take not getting into a nightclub so personally? Why did I find it so triggering? Was the Universe protecting me? Had I managed to get in, I might have seen Hafyz and felt even more triggered and anxious. I am delicate and vulnerable. I am not ready to go into Heaven. I might see people from my past. Who knows? I might bump into Avi. The holy grail.
I am OK with parks and bars. But maybe Heaven is just a step out of my comfort zone. I find it difficult enough meeting gays who I tried to hit on at other Meetup events.
Did Hafyz talk to Megan? Did he pull another bloke? What happened? Right now, I am feeling insecure.
How am I feeling? I feel shit. I do not understand why I am always getting myself into these ridiculous situations. Or putting myself out of my comfort zone. The one part of me feels like I should apologise to Jenny, Megan, Donni and all of the WhatsApp group for going off on one. The other part of me says that I do not need to apologise at all. I needed to talk. I am not receiving the support that I need. So, I am splitting myself across multiple people.
Just realised that I went crazy on WhatsApp. Was I drunk? Yes, but it was more than that. I was emotional. Clearly, I took it personally. I do not think that I said anything bad but maybe it was just a bit over the top and a little extreme. What happened? They did not let me into Heaven. I was turned away at the queue. Why? Because I had no ID.
[16:14, 05/10/2019] Rory Duffy: All my bank cards, club cards, provisional driving license, tog office group card plus about £50 🙄
Do they ask it for everyone or was it because I did not look old enough? Not sure. I did not even speak to them. Megan spoke to them. They gave me a sidelong look and shoved me away. Charming. This seems to happen often with bouncers and nightclubs etc. They see me too vulnerable. Or maybe I look too young.
Rob says that I do not look vulnerable. I do. 😭
Not to him.
People have been saying that to me, that I look "sad and vulnerable". Who said that? Some dude who I met at the Cock Tavern 1.5 weeks ago. Why do I listen to strangers? Because I think of them as manifestations. Rob hates it when people make personal comments. What did I reply? I took it to heart and agreed with him. Was I into him? No, I think that he was into me, though. Rob would have walked away, but it depends on how he said it. He said it in a caring way. That is a bit nicer.
What did I do after Heaven? Did Megan go in? Yes, Megan went in. I walked home. And poured out my heart and soul in a WhatsApp group. I feel a bit embarrassed about it. Rob would have stayed with me. I know that he would have. I did not feel safe. I felt unsafe. Why? Were they aggressive? Yes, they were aggressive. But I was also left on my own. And I did not have anyone to talk to except on WhatsApp.
Do I find clubs intimidating? Yes, I do. I think that, in future, I will just do the early meet and go home. I am OK with parks and bars. Even Latin / salsa nightclubs are OK, too. But maybe Heaven is a step outside of my comfort zone. And the Universe was protecting me. What do I mean? I believe that things happen for a reason. Situations and experiences teach us important lessons about ourselves. Nice philosophy. Protecting me from what? Hafyz. Or any of the other "demons" in that nightclub.
[22:34, 14/08/2021] Rory Duffy: No I’d
[22:59, 14/08/2021] Rory Duffy: Going home
[23:17, 14/08/2021] Rory Duffy: He said…
[22:38, 14/08/2021] Donni: Hi Rory
[00:10, 15/08/2021] Rory Duffy: Hey Pancho, I didn't make it to Heaven. They made a judgement about me and turned me away. They didn't like me. Basically, I got mugged on 05/10/2019 because I felt insecure about having kissed a guy, and now I am still paying the consequences for it. No ID. No entry. This is the culture nowadays. They judge and abuse. No word in edge way. I am staying well clear of night clubs.
Do I remember when I was chucked out of Ruby Blue Bar and thrown down 3 flights of stairs? When was this? 02/05/2015. It was a homophobic attack. What happened? The bouncer grabbed me from behind. Instinctively, I shook him off me. They took that as an attack. I thought that I was not out then. I was, just not on the gay scene. Was I hurt badly? Yes, I was bruised all up my arm. Did I complain? I did, but not well. I reacted to it in an extreme way. Why did he grab me? I do not know why. What did I do? I wrote a stupid long email, which I have since dissected into 15 reasons why I did not get my money back (see tabbed). Keyboard Warrior. I am not. Did I tell the police? I should sue them. I could not. They had CCTV. They said that I was drunk. Even though this happened at 2 am after I had stopped drinking at 10 pm and had been drinking water since then. Did I fall down the entire three flights of stairs? Every time I got up, they threw me forwards. All that I remember is the force of being thrust forwards. What was their reason? I spent too long in the bathroom. They might have thought that I was drug dealing. Like in Enter The Void. What is that? A psychological thriller movie. The guy goes into the cubicle to flush his drugs. He gets shot. The rest of the movie is spent following his ghost, perceiving the world from his standpoint. It is quite traumatic. It is a genius movie but difficult to watch.
From: Rory Duffy
Did the incident affect me quite badly? The Ruby Blue Bar incident? Yes, I suppose that it did. But it was not only about being chucked out of a nightclub. The aggression? It was more than that. It was how I responded to it, which scared me. Was I aggressive, too? There was a guy involved. What guy? His name was Lalo. A boyfriend? He was my flatmate. Just moved in. That night, he randomly kissed me and it took me by surprise. It sent me off in a spin. My emotions were all over the place. So, I think that this might have been seen by the security and this was their motivation for kicking me out. Because this all happened in the nightclub. What happened with Lalo? He disappeared for two weeks. Then came back to the flat with his boyfriend. In Stockwell? Yes. That is a shame. I told the boyfriend what happened. In front of Lalo. What did the boyfriend say? At the time, he just laughed. But then he messaged me two months later. Saying what? He asked me what did happen.
7/4/15, 5:13 PM
What else has been happening? On Friday, I was added to another WhatsApp group. By a guy called Paul M. The WhatsApp group is called "Brothers & family chat". Initially, I asked to be removed. Soon afterwards, I realised that this group could be useful for boosting the guest lists for my Meetup events. So, I posted the link to the Twilight event.
I was privately messaged by another guy called Paul who lives up in Halifax. He asked me to call him. I thought "what harm could this be?" It seemed like he felt lonely and wanted a chat. I can relate to that. No judgement from me. He is suffering from depression. I asked him if he had any family or friends. I asked him questions like how he was feeling yesterday in relation to today and whether he could give it a score out of ten. I offered to send him some links to some mental health services. I told him that I have been there. And that he is not alone. I asked him what his plans are for the evening. He said that he was going to have a shower and then go out and meet some people in the local pub. I commended him for that. It sounded like a good idea for him to go out and talk with people rather than sitting at home ruminating. He kept asking me to video call him. I said that this was triggering for me. He said that I could jump on a train to Halifax and stay over with him if I wanted. I told him that I am a musician and occasionally gig around the country. I said that I had performed in Halifax before and that next time that I am in that area, I will definitely give him a shout. But he seemed quite forceful and insistent about us having a video chat. It felt a little strange.
After the phone call, we exchanged the tabbed messages. In which he asked if I am top or bottom. I acted firm, tough and assertive. I gave him a definitive "no". But I told him to take care of himself. I advised him to prioritise what he thinks and how he feels about himself rather than what or how a stranger (me) thinks or feels about him.
On Friday night, I was hit on by an older man at Central Station. His name was Toby. I started chatting to him because his appearance and mannerisms were exactly the same as another member of my Meetup group (David) who was also there. And I got the two of them muddled up. They could easily have been brothers. Although I did not feel attracted to Toby, I found him incredibly charming and funny. I was drunk. I was playing along with his flirtatiousness. There was a pre-text. A homoerotic undertone. On several occasions, he moved in for a kiss. I did not allow it to get that far. A few times, he groped me as well. But I thought that it was amusing because he made a joke about it by openly acknowledging it in a tongue-in-cheek way. Making innuendos. It was witty and amusing. He was not taking himself seriously at all. The whole palaver was like a carry on sketch (a running joke). However, the reality was that I felt safe and comfortable to let him put his arm around me if he wanted to. Just like I allowed Pancho to do that on Thursday. I know that Pancho has had feelings for me in the past. Although I am not sure that I feel the same way, I respect Pancho's feelings. Just like I tried to respect Toby's feelings (by letting him put his arm around me but not kissing him). I appreciated the attention that he was giving me. It was a form of validation. And who does not welcome validation? Like I have mentioned before, most of us want to be loved and appreciated. We want to *be* someone. I did not feel harassed by Toby. Even though I was drinking, I felt perfectly in control of myself. I respected his feelings enough to not let the flirting get out of hand (i.e., although I gave him an embrace, I did not let him kiss me). We exchanged numbers. Unfortunately, I stole part of his drink (by pouring it into my glass) when he was up on stage singing karaoke. Yesterday morning, I felt bad about this. It was pretty low of me to take advantage of someone like that. As if it was not bad enough flirting with an older man in order to get a free drink out of him. I think that he recognised that I am a chancer. At one point, he had offered me a drink, I had accepted and he said "oh, is this what it is all about?" Remembering karma (what goes around, comes around), I messaged him.
Problem solved. Or is it? A chapter to be picked up on later.
Meanwhile, last night, I recounted the Paul story to one of my friends (Andy). Andy pointed out that there is an issue of "harassment". I explained that I did not feel "harassed". It was my decision to pick up the phone and have a chat with this guy. Andy described me as a kind person. He explained to me (in front of others) that my kindness makes me unique from other guys. And that people might take advantage of that. He insisted that I was mentally strong enough to say "no". But there are other people in this WhatsApp group who are not as strong as me. He might be "harassing" others and they might not be able to handle it as effectively as me. It is my duty to report it to the group admin. But I felt bad about reporting it. A similar situation happened a few weeks ago with Yasmin. The admins were less than sympathetic (let alone empathetic) towards her. I was worried that if I report Paul to the group admin, he might end up being blocked from the group. If someone is blocked, it cuts them off from a community that might be able to help them. If someone is walking out of their life and is open (and courageous) enough to share their thoughts and feelings, blocking might alienate them more. And only serve to provide more fuel for them to go through with it. I feel passionately about this. It is ironic that Yasmin was in the nightclub with Hafyz in relation to this conversation that I was having on the same night in which I mentioned her name.
Andy understood where I was coming from. But he insisted that there is an issue with harassment and safety of the group members. I told him that they are adults. They can look after themselves. They can take care of themselves. They are fully equipped to manage each situation in their own individual way. Why should group admins micro-manage? Andy says that they have a responsibility. If someone sues the group admin, they could use the evidence of the group admin sitting back and not doing anything as a way to prosecute them for gross negligence in those situations. We had a little bit of a debate on this. How can anyone prove that the group admin did not do anything? Andy insisted that I tell the group admin. I agreed and resolved to do so in the morning. I would not "report" this guy. But I would describe what has been happening and that this is what members should do if they are approached. I would write a manifesto. A recommended message to send.
I have not done so yet. Should I still do so? I feel like we had a heated conversation (as we invariably do). But a lot of it was the alcohol talking. I felt impassioned. I become fanatical about a subject. I have rants. This happened upstairs in Compton's. I think that I had rants to a couple of the other group members about what the other four admins had done to Jenny. My memory is hazy. I must have had quite a lot to drink by then.
As I was writing this, I thought about Hafyz. I wondered whether he was on the Meetup page for the rebel group (Queer 20s and 30s London). He was on the London Gay Socials (LGS) Meetup page. And he checked that page when I rebranded it. He might have received the email from Lily.
Lily (Organizer) sent a message to the London Gay Socials (LGS) mailing list
[23:17, 14/08/2021] Rory Duffy: He said…
[23:48, 14/08/2021] Rory Duffy: I want to be safely carried out of life
It is even more ironic that Nathan was in touch on Thursday and that I wrote to him on Friday. Maybe there is a reason why Nathan is here? To help walk me through this situation with Hafyz? Like I said to Nathan, I do not want to give Hafyz the cold shoulder. But I do feel scared and insecure about him. Should I tell Hafyz of these feelings? Is he aware of them anyway? Possibly having read my messages to Megan? Will he use them against me? Why should I even be feeling this way to begin with? It has been a few weeks. He did not do anything wrong or bad. Why am I feeling such anger and hostility towards him? Yes, I might be outwardly perceived as "sad and vulnerable". This was an environment created by another man (Zakir) who did not know me. But not because of Hafyz. And possibly not because of the guys in my past who have "played" me. I need to dig deeper and find out where all of this is coming from.
Yesterday, when I was on the treadmill, I thought about happiness. Avi Taler taught me that in order to make him happy, I must first make myself happy. What is the source of my perceived unhappiness? Was it the way in which my parents tried to align me to their notions of what constitutes acceptable behaviour in society? Was it the way in which I was bullied at school, not for my ambiguous, repressed sexual identity and preferences but for the way in which I responded to stimuli (I was gullible, naive and easy to wind up)? Was it a combination of these upbringing factors? Was it simply that I was born into a greater cycle of depression and low self esteem and that I inherited these?
[13:17, 12/07/2019] LA: How do you explain to yourself / justify / rationalise giving another person this much control over your own mental state? He didn’t cheat on you, break up with you, he wasn’t mean, so I’m finding it difficult to understand how the effect of those words could be so strong
[13:37, 12/07/2019] LA: You need to make sure you are ok and that you’re strong enough to take on the little disappointments that come with every single relationship, and that you trust them enough to not look at everything through a negative lens... I’m not trying to be mean, I’m genuinely really worried about you giving his opinions and feelings this much control over yourself
[13:45, 12/07/2019] LA: I think that you need to strengthen yourself and quickly. Emotionally speaking I mean.
[13:47, 12/07/2019] LA: You need to be ok with him or without him
Whatever it is, LA got it right. I must toughen and strengthen myself. Emotionally and mentally. So that I am able to deal with life's little disappointments. I understand what that means. Sometimes, I do not understand how to do it. Because I am not feeling strong. But I will do.
With regards to Hafyz, he is just one guy. I need to be OK with or without him. So there is nothing that I need to do. Just carry on doing my things. Not worry about him too much. He has not done anything wrong. It is just that I have not felt strong recently. But re-reading LA's words has helped to remind me what being strong should look like.
By the way, I have checked and:
I am feeling triggered. Why? Because I feel like I have no-one to confide in. Mentally. Or that I am confiding in the wrong people or people who might pass on messages. It is certainly possible. Putting my deepest darkest thoughts on that WhatsApp group was neither smart not sensible. No wonder it has left me feeling like this. Easily done, though. I was hosting and already in the cycle of posting messages on that WhatsApp group. I guess that I simply let the boundaries blur. What I said to Megan might have been relayed back to Hafyz. Who knows? What is making me feel this way? It is the uncertainty and Cloak & Dagger / Hidden Agenda aspect that is making me feel like I am in the dark. Just waiting to be knifed. I do not know Hafyz well. But I know enough about him to know that he gossips and talks with a lot of different people. How do I know if I can trust him? I do not know. There is no reason for me to offer him my trust. I do not owe him my trust. He is barely a stranger. I can still show kindness and respect without giving away my trust or affection.
Draft (to Hafyz)
I was about to message Hafyz when Rob got in touch again. It is like he is almost on the same wave length as me. Or the universe is intervening again. Keeping me safe. I want to message Hafyz because otherwise he might think that there is a problem or that I am avoiding him. I do not need to let him think that. But maybe it is not yet the time to message him. I have still sent the Last Message. I am in a stronger position. This is why Rob got in touch at that exact moment. To not disturb that. I need to concentrate on him.
I will meet Rob at Green Park station at 2pm. We will get some food together. This makes me feel better. He makes me feel comfortable when I am around him. it is 1pm now. Time to get ready and decide what I am wearing.
[15:25, 13/08/2021] Rory Duffy: Hey Paul I hope you are well, please can you remove me from the new "Brothers & family chat" group you have set up?
[15:52, 13/08/2021] Rory Duffy: Hi Guys
[15:52, 13/08/2021] Rory Duffy: I have posted it, feel free to take down if not warranted :)
[15:54, 13/08/2021] Paul: Hi how are you what's your name I live in halifax and I am gay and can we call to talk its Paul here sorry thus is my number [number] Tex me if you what
[19:58, 13/08/2021] Paul M: Yh it ok
[22:17, 13/08/2021] Rory Duffy: Spreading vibes, hope you can join
[23:36, 13/08/2021] Rory Duffy: Thank you Paul. X
I did not know what Hafyz wanted with me. I bought myself some time. Enough time to speak with Megan today and find out what was said between them (if anything). All day, I have been feeling paranoid that Megan has passed on what told her to Hafyz. I tried calling her at 14:30 and again at 20:15. I told her that Hafyz has been in touch and asked her if we could talk. I was going to write that I said what I said to her last night because I was upset and triggered (by the fact that he was in Heaven). But that nothing of what I said was really about him (although I made it out to be about him, I was projecting). I re-read the messages to Megan and cringed with shame. How could I say that about Hafyz? Is he about to find out that his information will be online.
CW. She is the missing link. She was in that photo with myself, Hafyz and Megan (the photo that I re-sent to Megan last night). I called CW. She called back within a few minutes. She asked how I am doing. I said that I am not doing too great. I did something stupid. I admitted that it was regarding Hafyz. CW said that she thought that she knows what this is about. She is about to hear the other half of the story. I explained that I had sent Megan a load of messages effectively ranting about Hafyz. And now I feel both repulsed by what I said and paranoid that Megan might have shown Hafyz those messages. Because he has been in touch today. I do not know what he wants to talk about.
Last night, Hafyz met up with Yasmin. Apparently, Yasmin has been spiralling. Sending suicidal messages to the Queer 20s and 30s London WhatsApp group (the group from which I was kicked). Causing "drama". Yasmin wanted to meet up with CW. But CW did not want to. So, Yasmin called Hafyz. Yasmin and Hafyz went to eat at Wetherspoons. They arrived at Heaven together. At some point, they were separated in Heaven. Hafyz found a new group of people and left Yasmin alone in Heaven. When she found him again, he pretended that he did not have a clue who she was in front of the other group of people. This triggered her. She pinned him up against the wall outside Heaven and basically "lost it" with him. Shouting and screaming in his face. Then, a group of four people physically assaulted her and left her injured by the road. They took her phone, money and everything. Hafyz tried to intervene with the fight. Yasmin tried to kill herself by running towards the River Thames. The police were called. Hafyz explained to the police that he had tried to intervene. Then he jumped in an Uber and left her there. Yasmin was carted off to A&E in an ambulance.
CW knows about this because Yasmin came out of hospital this morning at about 8. The first thing that she did was buy a new phone and call CW to explain what had happened. The only point in this conversation at which my name was mentioned was when CW said to Yasmin that Hafyz "shat on me" and acted rude to her. CW has no intention of talking to Hafyz. She describes him as a "horrible person". She asks who would do that? Lie about not knowing someone and then abandon them twice in the same evening when she is at her most vulnerable? To me, it seems somewhat ungentlemanly.
Where was Megan in all of this? CW reassured me that Megan does not approve of Hafyz. So, although they might have acknowledged one another, she doubts that Megan would have revealed anything to him. In one of my messages, I told Megan that I trust her. CW reckons that Hafyz does not know about the messages that I sent to Megan and instead wants to talk with me about Yasmin. Why would he want to talk to me about her? I have only met her once. It seems like he knows her more than I do (even though he is not in the group). CW reassured me that Megan probably shut down and turned off her phone because she did not know how to respond to my messages and could not cope with the drama. She doubts that Megan would have said anything to Hafyz. CW went on a walk with Megan and she knows how Megan disapproved both of the way Hafyz treated me and how he was rude to CW. Why would Megan say anything to Hafyz?
CW advises me that a phone call with Hafyz would not solve anything. She advises me to steer well clear of him. She describes him a manipulative and not to be trusted. He is possibly trying to clear his conscience and make out that he is the saint in all of this. I have decided to sleep on it. I have arranged to forget that he tried to call me. If he tries to call me again, I could say that I have work and ask if we could message instead. That way, I can at least have more regulation over what is said. Even if I do not want to be involved.
What is happening in the rebel camp? Now that I am outside of the main chat, I am hearing everything second hand through CW.
Firstly, Rob asked on the group "would you date an autistic person?" Since CW does not know Rob, she seemed critical and judgemental of him. Who would say that? Calmly, I explained to her that I have been hanging out with him for most of today. He mentioned it. He said that he was receiving aggravation from some of the other group members. I let slip to CW that Rob is autistic. I know that Rob is not open about his diagnosis but I felt that CW should know this about him before making snap judgements. He often asks neutral questions out of the blue that do not fit in anywhere. But they are not ill-intended. This has happened before when he asked if the attackers were "of colour" (Read More: 03/06/2021).
14:53, 14/08/2021] Rob: Do Leo's get on with Gemini's?
Yesterday, Rob asked me if Leos get on well with Geminis. At the time, I was about to host the Meet & Mingle and I did not have time to think out my response. My initial instinct was to say that me and him are a shining example of Leos getting on well with Geminis. But I did not text back because I would rather say that to him in person. Some statements can be misinterpreted via WhatsApp. And I forgot to get back to him on that. Anyway, I broached the topic with him in person as we were leaving Green Park. He seemed flattered and a little embarrassed when I told him that he and I are a shining example of Leos getting on well with Geminis. But he seemed pleased. Even when I teasingly said that Geminis have fluid tongues. We gossip. I am the worst! Although he insists that I am not, it was almost a precursor to letting slip about his autism to CW.
CW relays that there is a lot of bullying going on in the main chit chat group. Claire has temporarily stepped down as an admin. She was getting a lot of aggravation from the group members. CW describes her as arrogant. CW describes Lily as two-faced. CW feels harassed by Yasmin and wants to report it to the admins. But she does not feel like she knows any of the admins like she knew me. With regards to my situation, CW repeatedly assures me that there was a backlash when Lily kicked me and that a lot of people stood up for me. Told them that I am a nice person and not coercive or malicious. She has the sense that I am generally popular among the group members despite the rift between myself and the rebel admins. I explained to her that the rebel admins put me into the position of deciding where I stood with everyone. And that was not fair or reasonable. I repeated to her the narrative that I am now telling people. I tried to please everyone by giving the admins a 2K member Meetup page. To keep them happy. Apparently, it was the wrong thing to do. Some might say that they looked a gift horse in the mouth. But there is nothing that I could have done to change or control what happened. They already made their decision long before I tried to seize control. Let them do what they want to do. I have made it clear that I was not happy about it. I recounted how I was in shock and said nothing for about a week after they ousted Jenny. CW agrees and says that she was also in shock. With regards to the CL drama, it was poorly timed. CW assumed that it was me who reported it to the other admins. I admitted that I had not said anything. When she told me about CL and said that it was important for me to know (as an admin) that she was a child sex offender, I kept tight-lipped. It was the day after the coup. Although I had been added to the "What in the actual gay" WhatsApp channel and technically remained as an admin on their chit chat group, I did not know where I stood with the rebel admins. I used the Hafyz situation as an alibi to buy me some time to think and process. I imparted that I would return to the Green Park Saturday meets in a few weeks once the tensions had died down. CW thought that I had already met up with Lily for coffee. I explained that Lily offered to meet me for coffee and told the chit chat group before I had agreed to it. I do not know why she would tell everyone that we are meeting up for coffee. I am quite relieved to be out of the chit chat group. It is toxic. They advocate a "safe space". But I feel unsafe in that digital environment. It is like a virtual playground. People making judgements and accusations and ganging up on each other. I am happy and relieved to be out of it. When I was in it, I found myself getting sucked in. Obsessively reading and analysing everything that was going on despite not saying anything. It was draining, exhausting and frustrating. CW reports that some members (such as Caro) have started boycotting the park events both because of the bullying and because of the ongoing Yasmin "dramas" happening in the chit chat group. The admins are unable to control it. Right now, they are under a lot of stress. I am somewhat happy about this. They decided to form a separate group. Let them take the consequences for their actions. Meetup pages are not free to run and cost several hundred pounds over the course of a year. They need to know first-hand what a financial investment it is. They also need to learn how to deal with the drama. Despite my disapproval, I am at least happy to hear that they are taking the consequences of their actions and plenty occupied with the ongoing dramas. They are young. They do not know what they are doing. Let them make mistakes. Running a Meetup group should be without dramas. If they create dramas, let them deal with the dramas. Let them clear up their mess.
Lastly, CW relayed to me that it has come out in the chit chat group that there is a "spy" among them. I tensed up as I had an inkling that this had something to do with me. CW relayed how Natasha had sent a reprimanding letter to the chit chat group. Last weekend, when it was raining, the rebels tried to book Retro Bar. Lily announced this intention to the group. 10 minutes later, someone tried to book Retro Bar under a false name and identity in order to sabotage the group. And that someone on the inside was passing information to the other group. Well, I did not need to say anything other than make a vague comment about hoping that things die down over the next few weeks. CW agreed. She says that the group is constant drama. Something different happens each day. A row breaks out. She cannot deal with it anymore. And as far as I am concerned, I speak with Jenny regularly. I try to keep her informed about everything that is going on. Although Rob does not realise, it is ironic that Rob was responsible for planting the seed about booking Retro Bar and I was responsible for weeding it. Between me and Rob, we undid each other's work. I teasingly warned Rob not to tell Jenny about suggesting Retro Bar to Lily. Jenny would be livid.
Today, I relayed to Rob the tension between Jenny and Lily and the fact that I was acting as a go-between. He does not know that I passed on the intelligence (regarding Lily's intention of Retro Bar) to Jenny and that Jenny hogged the booking. He does not need to know. Let alone CW or anyone in that group. All that I did was pass the information. It was not up to me what Jenny did. Just like it was not up to me what happened with the Instagram raid. I was acting as an informant. Nothing else. Hopefully, CW did not notice how quiet I became when she explained this to me on the phone. It sounds like she is more focused on other issues to do with the group. I did not approve of what Jenny did. It seemed done out of spite. Especially as she cancelled last Sunday without booking an alternative venue. But the rebel group managed to book it later at 4:30 anyway. So, while it was annoying and inconvenient for them, no harm was done. Hopefully, everyone will forget about that incident within a week or so.
Regarding Hafyz, CW reiterated that a phone call might confuse matters. She said that it was up to me of course. If he is insistent. But ultimately, it was his and Yasmin's responsibility. What happened last night. I am not obliged to have any responsibility for neither Hafyz nor Yasmin. I do not need to let myself become drawn into their problems. I can stay well out of it.
06/08/2021, 21:30 - Lily: That's organised by different admins, But yes the green park event will most likely go ahead, a little rain never deterred us, I'll be hosting 🥰
[12:44, 07/08/2021] Sam: I'll update you guys with a new plan with the hour 🥰
[12:49, 07/08/2021] Jenny: did they ever reply?
Last thing, Paul M set up a WhatsApp channel called "Bosses Admin ideas" and added both myself & Rob. It is a sign from the universe that I should say something to Paul M about this depressed guy. Just to write a manifesto and advise them how to address it rather than opt for the blocking route. I have not had much chance today to look at the correspondence. But I will do so tomorrow. Once I have figured out what I should say.
The LGBTQ+ dramas never end!
[17:06, 15/08/2021] Paul M: I bet all you only put comments in here if there’s something going on a normal chat to pay keep it on your phone so you can contact the Admins as when you need to
[18:01, 12/08/2021] Rory Duffy: Emotionally burnt out tbh, 2 failed relationships plus the whole drama with the 20s & 30s meet-up group, was feeling suicidal a week ago, just about surviving now but still feeling unmotivated and lacking in direction/purpose
Last night, Pancho made an important point. Do not search. Let them find me. Know my own worth. It is better to not be in a relationship and have a healthier relationship with myself than be in a relationship with the wrong person. He questioned why I hid myself away before meeting Avi Taler who brought me out of my box and discarded me. He advised me not to hide myself away. Stop searching. But at the same time, remain open to having a relationship. This is the balance.
What about Avi Taler? Pancho observed that he was a Jewish Israeli guy. He comes from a deeply homophobic culture. He is out for what he can get. And men from that part of the world are often extremely attractive. They know that they are highly in demand. They do not know what they want. We were a perfect storm.
I have been swiping again. 99% of the time, I swipe left. There are no guys left on Tinder within my radius. If there are guys within my radius, I do not feel attracted to them. Why should I waste someone else's time, energy and emotion if I do not feel completely 100% invested in them? That is wasted effort. My mind keeps going back to school days where one of my classmates advised me to "lower my standards". This seems to conflict with the advice that I am receiving now. Why should I lower my standards? In order to not experience disappointment or rejection?
[16:38, 03/07/2019] Rory Duffy: It's a shame it has to be like this but no guys can really be totally 100% trusted. The only way I can get through life in one piece is to find someone who's more into me than I am into them, and forever be the one who is chased, not chasing
Most of the guys who I have met via dating apps have left me wanting and heartbroken. Am I putting myself in a position of disappointment or rejection by having high standards? Maybe it is positive to have high standards but practise patience? By not searching? By letting the right guy come to me?
Pancho observed that I like to be chased / led. He described me as an "English lady". LOL. He described himself as a chaser who enjoys the thrill of the chase. I am the opposite. Does this put me in a position of less control? This is another observation. The guys who have matched with me on dating apps tend to chase me and not the other way around.
Maybe there is a better way in which I can still be chased but remain in control?
For example, Hafyz said that he wanted me to be his friend. Has he contacted me once since saying that? No. Or is saying that he wanted me to be his friend simply a nicer way of ending all contact with no hard feelings? Am I ever going to get my hat back? I am now in a position where I cannot contact him. If I did, I would be double messaging which might put me in an even more vulnerable position. I have sent the Last Message. I have created this rule to help me manage my expectations. The flip side is that it potentially restricts me. The Last Message rule enables me to increase control over myself but at the same time decrease control over the relationship. Which is more important? The relationship or myself?
Maybe a message to Hafyz on New Year's Day asking him to post the hat back might do the trick nicely. I could say that it is an important hat and it has sentimental value. If he pushes back about the postage cost, that might reveal to me something about the value that he puts on our friendship. Is it worth it?
Nathan is back in touch. How have these past weeks been? When I messaged Nathan on 27th July, I was feeling weepy because the guy who I was dating (Hafyz) "friend zoned" me. Hafyz continually called and messaged me but I did not feel strong enough to respond yet. I was reminded of how much I felt for Nathan back in 2006 and how I responded like that to him. How he kept messaging me when he thought that I was not talking to him. How negatively I responded. How afraid I felt. How that fear manifested. Back then, the acknowledgement of my feelings towards Nathan changed the dynamic between us. I was too scared of history repeating itself that I allowed it to repeat itself. I brought it about through my fear and lack of confidence. In July, I felt exactly the same about Hafyz (although I tried so hard not to reveal how I felt - I revealed it through my actions, not my words). He was persisting at talking as friends. I wanted to. I felt unable to do so. I was still hurting inside. I was hurting not because of him but because of what I have been through in the past. I did not know where it was coming from. I did not know how to move forwards other than to take time out. I could not respond in the moment without manifesting the same happening all over again.
Anyway, I did end up responding in the kindest, most docile, doormat way. But I feel like I gave him my validation without even trying. Why? He said something about us both learning from experience. Even though the only thing that I can learn from it is that 1/ I did everything right and 2/ I should trust people even less. And now he has not spoken to me for a couple of weeks. At least I have sent the Last Message.
I apologise to Nathan if this is a bit deep. He does not need to tell me if he feels uncomfortable. I contacted him because I wanted to find out what he would want me to do if you were ever in Hafyz' shoes. I tried to do differently this time by responding positively (not giving the guy the cold shoulder, like I did to him) but I was finding it tricky to do both a/ respond positively and b/ protect myself / not give away too much of myself at the same time. Maybe I went too far the other way (a). I wanted to do a bit of digging, find out where all of this is coming from and why this keeps happening. Ultimately, it is not whichever guy I am into who I should be looking after, it is myself. And I need to equip myself to learn how to manage these situations better in future. Relationships are complicated!
Regarding the friend zoning.
Last night, Pancho made another important point as we were departing. He said that I was talking about being friend zoned as something that "happened to me". Rather than simply saying that he decided that he wanted to be friends and that I was OK with it. He described my narrative (my way of telling the story) as "disempowering". And that I need to change my narrative in order to not fall into the same cycles. Well, if I am completely honest with myself, I was not OK with it. Why should I try to convince myself otherwise? I understand where Pancho is coming from. But maybe I do not understand what he is saying. Surely, I should be honest with myself about what I want and need? I know that I cannot control what happens to me but can control my relationship with it. And that I can control my relationship with it through the narrative (the way in which I choose to describe it). But maybe I have not yet found a way of telling a story in which I can feel at peace with it?
Pancho observed that we are similar. We both want to make peace with a person or situation. Regardless of whether or not the person or situation is able to resolve its own conflicts. With Sam, I was able to make peace with him ("Thanks, you too") even though he was not able to make peace with me. This is why he blocked me. Because, at some level, he was aware that he had said and done some things that he might not have felt proud of. Who knows? It goes back to the mirror maze analogy. There was an irresolvable sense of shame and remorse within him. Preventing him from having a healthy relationship with himself, me or anyone else.
Maybe Hafyz no longer talks to me, because, inadvertently, I have made him aware (whether or not I intended to) that I am hurting and / or that he has hurt me? What signal did I give off? Without even trying? How did we even get into this conversation to begin with? Did I show him my vulnerable side?
[23:53, 26/07/2021] Hafyz: Can we talk? As friends?
Well, going back to my outwardly perceived "sadness and vulnerability". Maybe my vulnerability is not such a bad facet? Maybe it is misunderstood? Or people are ill-equipped to cope with it? Rob has never had any issue with it. He has taken care of me. He has treated me well. Like my MH Champion said to me, we all have baggage and carry pain within us. There is nothing wrong, bad or threatening about showing that. The only aspect that I need to work on is if a guy suddenly backs off because he realises that I have him on a pedestal and that he cannot live up to my expectations. And how to not feel like I am being "rejected".
Like I said to Hafyz, there is nothing wrong with showing love and appreciation towards a person without expecting the same back in return.
[16:42, 26/07/2021] Rory Duffy: You friend zoned me in front of a couple of my friends and said that us two needed boundaries etc. You made it sound like I had misunderstood stuff like you staying at mine etc. And you even said we were on our 4th or 5th date. You were giving mixed signals and then you said about me being on the spectrum which is why you didn't want to upset me.
Looking back, I realise that I did absolutely nothing wrong. The only thing that I might have conceivably done wrong is the "looking sad" bit in G-A-Y. But I was drunk. And I had less control over my body language and facial expressions. Which is tricky enough to manage without the added dimension of autism. 🤷♂️
[16:46, 26/07/2021] Hafyz: I didn’t friend zone you in front of others. You just got upset and it came out in front of everyone. I felt like things were moving too fast and had to slow down. I don’t want to hurt you and thought I’d say whatever I felt now before it’s too late. Last time we met you said we were dating and we made out etc. So I decided to put my foot down and let you know we are moving too fast and for you to slow down and be my friend as I feel that is more important right now than anything else as there’s too much going on in my life right now with the move and the rest
Maybe the "things moving too fast" and wanting to "slow down" is a dressed-up and polite way of not reciprocating someone else's feelings? A way of letting them down lightly? Who knows? Only I can decide what it means. Especially if the guy is back on Tinder within days. He must be looking for something or someone. Other than me. Is he not ready to date in general? Or not ready to date me?
I could come up with a comeback line such as "is it not funny how people resort to saying that they have moved too fast when they realise that they made the wrong decision about who to kiss?" 01/10/21
For sure, it was a double whammy. I was already feeling insecure about kissing Hafyz on that Thursday before we met for the 4th time on that Saturday. I sensed that I had overstepped his boundaries (by kissing him). This is why I went a little crazy on that Friday night and tried to hit on all of those guys. I already felt like I was losing him by kissing him. I was surprised when he popped up on my phone late at night and even more shocked that he even wanted to see me again. Honestly, I did not expect him to initiate another meeting. I would have been felt fine if he had delayed meeting me again. So, it was a double whammy for him to initiate another meeting only to slam the breaks down. Talk about being hung out to dry again. Made to walk the plank. Something out of my hands that I could not control.
Where am I up to with my current seeds? In all 3 cases, I have sent the Last Message. So, I am on top of the game.
[16:38, 03/07/2019] Rory Duffy: It's a shame it has to be like this but no guys can really be totally 100% trusted. The only way I can get through life in one piece is to find someone who's more into me than I am into them, and forever be the one who is chased, not chasing
Transcribing all of these voice notes has enabled me to reflect on our relationship. The conclusion that I have drawn is that I am always selling myself short. With guys, I need to set my sights higher. I need to find someone who is good enough for me. I am always short changing myself. Making do with a guy who does not treat me right or make me feel comfortable. And blaming problems on myself. Self subjugating. Putting it all on me whenever something goes wrong. Giving away too much of myself. Investing too much in something that is never going to be enough for me. No wonder my MH Champion did not respond to the long messages that I sent to her about Sam. She might have despaired of me.
The problems with Sam were primarily:
At the time, it was sad and annoying that I put so much thought, time and energy into a relationship that could not work (Read More: vessels of water analogy). At least I did not feel hurt by the experience. I was wise enough to realise that this guy might not be enough for me. I did not experience the pain of rejection. Sam brought about his perceived rejection by thinking and talking it into existence. I was willing to give the relationship a chance. But he made it impossible for me. He did not give me the time and space that he promised. He rushed his feelings for me. Declaring that he would marry me after one meeting. There was no way in which it would work. He was not simply ready to date someone, me or anyone. He had many insecurities. He acknowledged this himself.
The last outcome that I wanted was to be that evil bastard who would reject him. But he gave me no other option. He put himself in a vulnerable position by asking me if I still liked him and still wanted to date him (yes or no). In my last messages, I said that I could not date him "right now". It was not intended as an absolute rejection. However, he interpreted it as such. There was nothing that I could say or do to control or stop that from happening. He did not heed the "right now". I did not say that we could not date "ever".
Sam blocked me because the reflection back on him (in my responses) displeased him (Read More: mirror maze analogy). My responses were a reflection of his own insecurities. Although he acted transparent about his insecurities and was able to articulate them openly, he continually tried to project those insecurities back onto me. As if they were my insecurities. Exaggerating and drawing negative judgements about neutral, insignificant statements that I might have made. When I showed strength by not taking those projections, he took offence. I cannot blame him. Or myself. Without judgement, it is simply something that happens.
We have both been hurt in the past. We needed to address and process those feelings of hurt before we could enter into any sort of relationship.
Sam often mentioned his "abusive" ex-boyfriend. I am beginning to wonder whether he was talking about himself? And that, in actual fact, Sam was the "abusive" partner in that relationship?
[20/05/2021, 11:25:59] Sam: Messages and calls are end-to-end encrypted. No one outside of this chat, not even WhatsApp, can read or listen to them.
[21/05/2021, 10:36:33] Sam: <attached: 00000019-AUDIO-2021-05-21-10-36-33.opus>
[21/05/2021, 10:47:04] Sam: <attached: 00000022-AUDIO-2021-05-21-10-47-04.opus>
[21/05/2021, 10:48:42] Sam: <attached: 00000023-AUDIO-2021-05-21-10-48-42.opus>
[21/05/2021, 16:12:17] Sam: <attached: 00000044-AUDIO-2021-05-21-16-12-17.opus>
[21/05/2021, 23:58:50] Sam: It was so lovely seeing and meeting you today, 5 kisses to you xx
[12/06/2021, 18:02:14] Rory Duffy: Hey 👋 how have you been? Sorry I haven’t been in touch, been dealing with family stuff. I hope you’ve been well, would be good to meet up again 😊 x
[12/06/2021, 19:35:32] Sam: <attached: 00000081-AUDIO-2021-06-12-19-35-32.opus>
[12/06/2021, 23:03:20] Sam: <attached: 00000087-AUDIO-2021-06-12-23-03-20.opus>
[13/06/2021, 13:58:47] Sam: 😂😂😂
[16/06/2021, 21:37:08] Rory Duffy: Hey Sam, ooh looking professional 😉 wishing you luck! ☺️🙏
[16/06/2021, 21:56:36] Sam: <attached: 00000140-AUDIO-2021-06-16-21-56-36.opus>
[16/06/2021, 21:57:46] Sam: <attached: 00000141-AUDIO-2021-06-16-21-57-46.opus>
[16/06/2021, 22:54:39] Sam: <attached: 00000163-AUDIO-2021-06-16-22-54-39.opus>
[16/06/2021, 22:58:08] Sam: <attached: 00000175-AUDIO-2021-06-16-22-58-08.opus>
[16/06/2021, 23:02:05] Sam: <attached: 00000184-AUDIO-2021-06-16-23-02-05.opus>
[17/06/2021, 13:01:59] Sam: <attached: 00000195-AUDIO-2021-06-17-13-01-59.opus>
[17/06/2021, 13:07:04] Sam: <attached: 00000198-AUDIO-2021-06-17-13-07-04.opus>
[17/06/2021, 15:19:12] Sam: <attached: 00000220-AUDIO-2021-06-17-15-19-12.opus>
[17/06/2021, 20:46:30] Rory Duffy: Haha no worries son 😁 xx
[17/06/2021, 22:33:55] Rory Duffy: It’s lovely… x
[17/06/2021, 22:40:04] Rory Duffy: What’s asli?
[17/06/2021, 22:43:29] Sam: <attached: 00000253-AUDIO-2021-06-17-22-43-29.opus>
[18/06/2021, 14:11:06] Sam: <attached: 00000278-AUDIO-2021-06-18-14-11-06.opus>
[18/06/2021, 14:13:24] Sam: <attached: 00000283-AUDIO-2021-06-18-14-13-24.opus>
[18/06/2021, 14:15:23] Sam: <attached: 00000285-AUDIO-2021-06-18-14-15-23.opus>
[18/06/2021, 18:05:33] Sam: <attached: 00000311-AUDIO-2021-06-18-18-05-33.opus>
[18/06/2021, 18:27:07] Sam: <attached: 00000318-AUDIO-2021-06-18-18-27-07.opus>
[18/06/2021, 18:34:22] Sam: <attached: 00000324-AUDIO-2021-06-18-18-34-22.opus>
[19/06/2021, 16:36:09] Sam: I was quite tired earlier then I slept again and now I feel fabulous
[19/06/2021, 16:42:14] Sam: Sorry to hear that
[19/06/2021, 16:51:26] Sam: <attached: 00000365-AUDIO-2021-06-19-16-51-26.opus>
[19/06/2021, 16:53:29] Sam: <attached: 00000367-AUDIO-2021-06-19-16-53-29.opus>
[19/06/2021, 17:32:38] Sam: <attached: 00000381-AUDIO-2021-06-19-17-32-38.opus>
[19/06/2021, 17:33:57] Sam: <attached: 00000383-AUDIO-2021-06-19-17-33-57.opus>
[20/06/2021, 19:32:52] Sam: <attached: 00000390-AUDIO-2021-06-20-19-32-52.opus>
[20/06/2021, 19:33:26] Sam: <attached: 00000391-AUDIO-2021-06-20-19-33-26.opus>
[21/06/2021, 16:08:20] Sam: <attached: 00000400-AUDIO-2021-06-21-16-08-20.opus>
[21/06/2021, 18:02:33] Sam: <attached: 00000405-AUDIO-2021-06-21-18-02-33.opus>
[21/06/2021, 19:00:06] Sam: Also can I be 100% honest with you? 😘
[21/06/2021, 19:09:42] Sam: <attached: 00000410-AUDIO-2021-06-21-19-09-42.opus>
[21/06/2021, 21:32:37] Sam: <attached: 00000422-AUDIO-2021-06-21-21-32-37.opus>
[21/06/2021, 21:34:14] Sam: <attached: 00000423-AUDIO-2021-06-21-21-34-14.opus>
[21/06/2021, 21:44:49] Sam: <attached: 00000424-AUDIO-2021-06-21-21-44-49.opus>
[21/06/2021, 21:45:38] Sam: <attached: 00000425-AUDIO-2021-06-21-21-45-38.opus>
[22/06/2021, 08:12:40] Sam: <attached: 00000432-AUDIO-2021-06-22-08-12-40.opus>
[22/06/2021, 08:13:15] Sam: <attached: 00000433-AUDIO-2021-06-22-08-13-15.opus>
[21/06/2021, 21:32:37] Sam: <attached: 00000422-AUDIO-2021-06-21-21-32-37.opus>
[22/06/2021, 08:32:02] Sam: Ok cool xx
[22/06/2021, 08:41:21] Sam: <attached: 00000449-AUDIO-2021-06-22-08-41-21.opus>
[22/06/2021, 08:41:54] Sam: <attached: 00000450-AUDIO-2021-06-22-08-41-54.opus>
[22/06/2021, 08:42:25] Sam: <attached: 00000451-AUDIO-2021-06-22-08-42-25.opus>
[22/06/2021, 08:44:43] Sam: <attached: 00000453-AUDIO-2021-06-22-08-44-43.opus>
[22/06/2021, 08:45:10] Sam: <attached: 00000454-AUDIO-2021-06-22-08-45-10.opus>
[22/06/2021, 08:45:34] Sam: <attached: 00000455-AUDIO-2021-06-22-08-45-34.opus>
[22/06/2021, 08:46:26] Sam: <attached: 00000456-AUDIO-2021-06-22-08-46-26.opus>
[22/06/2021, 08:50:06] Sam: <attached: 00000459-AUDIO-2021-06-22-08-50-06.opus>
[27/06/2021, 12:33:19] Sam: Btw Karma is a cunt, my best friend who was supposed to visit me this weekend who I cancelled all my plans for brutally cancelled on me, you must be gloating now 😂😂😂😜
[03/07/2021, 19:55:12] Sam: 🙂
[03/07/2021, 22:02:07] Sam: <attached: 00000483-AUDIO-2021-07-03-22-02-07.opus>
[03/07/2021, 22:28:37] Sam: <attached: 00000489-AUDIO-2021-07-03-22-28-37.opus>
[03/07/2021, 23:33:18] Sam: <attached: 00000508-AUDIO-2021-07-03-23-33-18.opus>
[03/07/2021, 23:34:54] Sam: <attached: 00000511-AUDIO-2021-07-03-23-34-54.opus>
[03/07/2021, 23:36:14] Sam: <attached: 00000515-AUDIO-2021-07-03-23-36-14.opus>
[03/07/2021, 23:38:31] Sam: <attached: 00000517-AUDIO-2021-07-03-23-38-31.opus>
[04/07/2021, 01:02:36] Sam: Btw what time do you sleep?
[04/07/2021, 09:17:52] Sam: <attached: 00000538-AUDIO-2021-07-04-09-17-52.opus>
[04/07/2021, 09:22:52] Sam: <attached: 00000548-AUDIO-2021-07-04-09-22-52.opus>
[04/07/2021, 09:33:00] Sam: <attached: 00000561-AUDIO-2021-07-04-09-33-00.opus>
[04/07/2021, 17:25:29] Sam: <attached: 00000568-AUDIO-2021-07-04-17-25-29.opus>
[04/07/2021, 18:53:27] Rory Duffy: Location: https://maps.google.com/?q=51.480721,-0.111042
[04/07/2021, 18:55:19] Sam: <attached: 00000626-AUDIO-2021-07-04-18-55-19.opus>
[04/07/2021, 18:55:30] Sam: <attached: 00000627-AUDIO-2021-07-04-18-55-30.opus>
[04/07/2021, 18:57:02] Sam: <attached: 00000632-AUDIO-2021-07-04-18-57-02.opus>
[04/07/2021, 21:41:29] Rory Duffy: Thank you for a lovely evening Sam 😊
[04/07/2021, 21:43:42] Sam: <attached: 00000638-AUDIO-2021-07-04-21-43-42.opus>
[04/07/2021, 22:10:03] Sam: <attached: 00000648-AUDIO-2021-07-04-22-10-03.opus>
[04/07/2021, 23:22:22] Sam: <attached: 00000650-AUDIO-2021-07-04-23-22-22.opus>
[04/07/2021, 23:28:38] Sam: <attached: 00000652-AUDIO-2021-07-04-23-28-38.opus>
[05/07/2021, 08:57:40] Sam: <attached: 00000654-AUDIO-2021-07-05-08-57-40.opus>
[05/07/2021, 09:02:31] Sam: <attached: 00000657-AUDIO-2021-07-05-09-02-31.opus>
[05/07/2021, 09:03:29] Sam: <attached: 00000658-AUDIO-2021-07-05-09-03-29.opus>
[05/07/2021, 09:17:51] Sam: <attached: 00000664-AUDIO-2021-07-05-09-17-51.opus>
[05/07/2021, 11:48:35] Sam: <attached: 00000669-AUDIO-2021-07-05-11-48-35.opus>
[05/07/2021, 11:50:54] Sam: <attached: 00000674-AUDIO-2021-07-05-11-50-54.opus>
[05/07/2021, 14:10:47] Sam: <attached: 00000680-AUDIO-2021-07-05-14-10-47.opus>
[05/07/2021, 15:56:29] Sam: <attached: 00000690-AUDIO-2021-07-05-15-56-29.opus>
[05/07/2021, 16:00:52] Sam: <attached: 00000694-AUDIO-2021-07-05-16-00-52.opus>
[06/07/2021, 11:23:53] Sam: <attached: 00000713-AUDIO-2021-07-06-11-23-53.opus>
[06/07/2021, 11:27:57] Sam: <attached: 00000720-AUDIO-2021-07-06-11-27-57.opus>
[06/07/2021, 11:31:09] Sam: <attached: 00000727-AUDIO-2021-07-06-11-31-09.opus>
[06/07/2021, 11:52:45] Sam: <attached: 00000767-AUDIO-2021-07-06-11-52-45.opus>
[06/07/2021, 13:57:56] Sam: <attached: 00000784-AUDIO-2021-07-06-13-57-56.opus>
[06/07/2021, 14:41:21] Sam: <attached: 00000786-AUDIO-2021-07-06-14-41-21.opus>
[06/07/2021, 15:06:15] Sam: <attached: 00000814-AUDIO-2021-07-06-15-06-15.opus>
[06/07/2021, 15:07:14] Sam: <attached: 00000815-AUDIO-2021-07-06-15-07-14.opus>
[06/07/2021, 18:59:28] Sam: <attached: 00000833-AUDIO-2021-07-06-18-59-28.opus>
[06/07/2021, 19:03:25] Sam: <attached: 00000837-AUDIO-2021-07-06-19-03-25.opus>
[06/07/2021, 19:05:37] Sam: <attached: 00000844-AUDIO-2021-07-06-19-05-37.opus>
[06/07/2021, 19:08:19] Sam: <attached: 00000847-AUDIO-2021-07-06-19-08-19.opus>
[06/07/2021, 19:14:27] Sam: <attached: 00000853-AUDIO-2021-07-06-19-14-27.opus>
[06/07/2021, 19:19:32] Sam: <attached: 00000856-AUDIO-2021-07-06-19-19-32.opus>
[06/07/2021, 19:26:46] Sam: <attached: 00000858-AUDIO-2021-07-06-19-26-46.opus>
[06/07/2021, 19:31:01] Sam: <attached: 00000863-AUDIO-2021-07-06-19-31-01.opus>
[06/07/2021, 19:31:13] Sam: <attached: 00000864-AUDIO-2021-07-06-19-31-13.opus>
[06/07/2021, 19:34:44] Sam: <attached: 00000869-AUDIO-2021-07-06-19-34-44.opus>
[06/07/2021, 20:10:56] Sam: <attached: 00000872-AUDIO-2021-07-06-20-10-56.opus>
[06/07/2021, 20:12:23] Sam: <attached: 00000876-AUDIO-2021-07-06-20-12-23.opus>
[06/07/2021, 20:12:29] Sam: <attached: 00000877-AUDIO-2021-07-06-20-12-29.opus>
[06/07/2021, 20:15:26] Sam: <attached: 00000882-AUDIO-2021-07-06-20-15-26.opus>
[07/07/2021, 13:50:05] Sam: <attached: 00000893-AUDIO-2021-07-07-13-50-05.opus>
[07/07/2021, 14:06:50] Sam: <attached: 00000900-AUDIO-2021-07-07-14-06-50.opus>
[07/07/2021, 15:39:33] Sam: <attached: 00000905-AUDIO-2021-07-07-15-39-33.opus>
[07/07/2021, 15:45:10] Sam: This message was deleted.
[07/07/2021, 15:51:27] Sam: This message was deleted.
[07/07/2021, 15:50:30] Rory Duffy: I thought that I sent you some nice messages, songs and memes to help cheer you up 🤭 as you were feeling down
[07/07/2021, 16:21:05] Sam: <attached: 00000922-AUDIO-2021-07-07-16-21-05.opus>
[07/07/2021, 16:47:53] Sam: <attached: 00000926-AUDIO-2021-07-07-16-47-53.opus>
[08/07/2021, 21:44:00] Rory Duffy: Hi Sam, I can’t date you right now. Thank you for your message. Stay safe. X
Jul 11, 2021, 3:35 AM
I wonder if Green Park will go ahead today. 😂
Rob suggested Retro Bar for them. No! That would be stepping on Jenny's toes. In retrospect (LOL), it is smart that Rob suggested it. It highlights how much of a plagiarism their new group is.
I have asked him to not pass on anything that I said to him last night. I am paranoid. I said a lot of stuff. I have been worried all week. I feel paranoid because it is all in WhatsApp and traceable. I feel more comfortable talking about it in person. I do not know why I wrote all of that stuff last night. 😓
I had a bit to drink. And I was triggered.
I have asked Rob to export the chat and email it to me. I want to see what happened after Tuesday night. I am still trying to piece it all together. There is no chat about me. I need to see the whole chat. I do not need the media. Just the transcript.
They are not talking about me. I know, but I want to see everything since Tuesday night. Even if they were not talking about me. Why? Because I heard that some people spoke out. And I want to find out what was said. I feel in the dark. 😢
I am a control freak. Maybe I should rest for a while. Not concern myself with my troubles. 😌
On the one hand, it is probably not healthy of me to pursue this. On the other hand, I am worried that if I do not ask now, the moment will pass and I will regret not having done so.
Did I receive it? I did. I apologised to Rob if I seemed desperate.
03/08/2021, 22:56 - Jenna: Good luck with the prosecution and thank you on congrats for the healing. I hope you do too xx
What has CB said? Just up and down all of the time. She phoned me 45 minutes ago and sounded fine. She said that she wanted to go but she would have a chat with ERD. I asked her to keep me updated. She came back indecisive again. I am feeling stressed out by it. Rob says that I should tell her that. If I feel comfortable. It seems a little unsympathetic of me. Rob can see that. Sorry about this. It is fine.
What has CB said? Nothing yet. It looks brighter now. But it is getting late. Shall I nudge her? It is not fair of her to leave us in the lurch like this. Despite what has happened. Rob is not coming. It is too late now. It will be a rushed day. Unless we stay the night. But I have Green Park. Plus my jab. I can still go to Brighton. I am not in the mood anymore. I feel completely messed up. There were so many things that were possibly happening today. And one by one, they have fallen through. Due to shitty weather.
What other things were there? I could have had a gig but I turned it down because I thought that I would be at the GS picnic. A lady who I played for 2 years ago offered me a gig today. I turned it down because I thought that I would be at the GS picnic. We would have got wet anyway. True. When the picnic was cancelled, I contacted her to say that I could play for her. But she already booked elsewhere. So I decided to do the Brighton thing. And now this has happened.
This rain ruins everything. Plans. Everything. I am sick of it. I feel so upset right now. There will be other opportunities for a gig. Just write off today. Fresh start tomorrow. Chill out. I have been miserable. I will try to rest, relax, make myself a coffee, have a nice lunch and tidy my room.
[09:09, 07/08/2021] Rory Duffy: Morning what time we meeting?
[15:32, 07/08/2021] CB: Hi Rory just woken up again and really not with it. Let’s go again in a few weeks. Need to rest. Hope you ok. X
[14:51, 07/08/2021] ERD: @Rory Duffy Hello mate I’ve not heard anything from you and just to let you know that slight delay if you are planning on coming with Rob then come along will let you know where we are where we are and the table is been booked for tonight at 6:30 at Saint James Street however I understand if you’re not coming CB did mention
Last night, I kissed a guy in the Two Brewers. I do not know what his name was. He was dancing to me. Leading me on. He seemed to be into me. For a moment, I thought that my night was set. I could have easily had a one night stand. I did not have to be up early this morning. Alas, he left. I cannot remember what happened. But he put his arms around me and assured me that he would return. He never returned.
There was something about what Zakir said on Thursday night about me being "sad and vulnerable". I asked him if it was something in my body language and demeanour. He said no, but it is the energy and aura that I am giving off in my words and the way in which I speak.
Last night, when the guy hooked up with me in the Two Brewers, I thought "this could actually be so easy, just relax and go with the flow, try not to judge it too much". Although I forget most of what was said, I think that I did ask him for his name and comment on how beautifully blue his eyes were. It might have been after then that he released me from his embrace.
Maybe this is why I cannot have one night stands? Or why I seem to sabotage relationships before allowing them to develop naturally? Because there is something about me that radiates "sad and vulnerable"? Like when I was with Avi Taler on the evening that I told him that I loved him. Or when Hafyz friend zoned me the other week. These guys who I become involved with suddenly realise that they have set a precedent and it makes them think twice about me. I show my vulnerable side, without me even trying. It is simply there. Even Rob has been on Grindr and Scruff and tried to keep the knowledge from me because he cannot bear to hurt me.
Maybe it shows how high are my standards and expectations of others. And of myself. Most guys want casual sex (despite their assurances that they want a relationship / connection). Or they do not know how to form one. In my case, it is the opposite. It is my high standards and expectations of myself and others that prevents me from developing relationships. My natural inclination is control without even trying.
Much as I would like to, this is something that I cannot change about myself. However, I might be able to change my perception of that. I have an inbuilt mechanism that protects me from getting hurt. Yet prevents me from having a relationship.
[23:01, 21/10/2019] LV: You live your fear all the time
[23:04, 21/10/2019] LV: You need to live, Rory
At least I have a consciousness / awareness of this fear. As being an intrinsic part of myself. Despite not knowing what to do about it. Maybe the right guy will have expectations as high as me. Or maybe, like Sam said, I might die lonely.
[21:53, 08/07/2021] Sam: You are nothing but little insect to me now and I am grossed by you, and to be 100% honest with you I feel bad sorry for you!! Good like dying alone like you deserve 🤮🤮🤮
Did Lily reply? No, not yet. And apparently, they cancelled Green Park today and are going to Retro Bar instead. 😡
After all that 🤦♂️
WTF. They are stealing the locations as well! If I am speaking to Sam L, I must tell him no hard feelings but Jenny is going to have to ban them all. As it is getting ridiculous at this point. They have been sending messages to members in the group, trying to get them to attend their event. And now they are stealing the locations. It is disgusting. Jenny does not want to ban him or any of them. But she feels that for the future of the group, she needs to.
[13:31, 07/08/2021] Lily: Alright everyone, although the weather seems to have improved, the park will be soaked.
From Lily on the "Queer 20s/30s LDN Meetup".
LOL. This is getting too stressful. It is disgusting. I am not speaking to Sam L, or any of them. The Last Message was that long message to Lily.
LMFAO. Jenny just called Retro. Hogged the booking. Will cancel it in a sec. What does she mean? She called Retro and said "can I book the space from 3pm?" So she will cancel soon. Once they find somewhere else.
Cancel, why? I would be up for joining Jenny in Retro Bar at 3. What is going on? Jenny did not want Lily to book the venue. So she booked it to hog it. It is booked from 3.
Why not book it and schedule a Meetup? I know that it is last minute. But we still have an hour. True. But Jenny does not want to go against what she said in her statement re: having two events in one day. Right? I see. I am worried that this might compromise her relationship with the venue. True. Jenny will cancel it in a second.
It is up to Jenny. I am feeling at a bit of a loss. True. Maybe Jenny should run the event? Tom does not think that she should. It is always dead there anyway. She will cancel within half an hour. Also, she gave a fake name. She forgot to tell me. She does not think that this will compromise the relationship. Smart. She does not think that they will recognise her voice. No. She normally emails them. Cool. I hope that it works out. 🤞
Am I coming tonight? I am thinking about it. My Brighton trip was cancelled. Jenny says that it would nice to see me. I have been triggered. But it would be nice to see her. Maybe meet her before and we go early. Sounds great. Maybe we could meet somewhere in Soho at 6 .Grab a coffee. Perfect. Or a beer? I probably should not be drinking alcohol today. It enhances it. But I do not mind if she wants to. I do not want to spoil the party. I think that Tom is out too. He mentioned that he was going to the London Gays @ Welly Meetup. Maybe he could join us?
[15:08, 07/08/2021] Lily: Guys, Retro from 4.30 pm, we've got a booking, ask for the LGBT meetup, see you there
From Lily on the "Queer 20s/30s LDN Meetup".
They copied the name "mingle". And they cannot even spell "drinks". I despair. 🙇♂️
[15:37, 07/08/2021] Jenny: and then tomorrow is drinks in green park!
"dinks in green park" 😂
Sorry, bad joke. 🐣
Jenny & I are meeting at Little Ku, 18:45. I was hesitant about whether or not to go. Especially if some members of the rebels group show up (which is likely). But I think that I will feel better. Rather than stay at home and stew.
Recently, the situation with Hafyz and what happened to the group has knocked my confidence. Today especially, I have been feeling delicate and vulnerable. It might be partly due to the alcohol from last night. Alcohol affects the emotions. Tonight, I should not drink. It might be wise to take a break from Meetup for a while. Or only concentrate on SB&GG and GS. I have a few weekend gigs coming up anyway so it is not like I do not have anything else to do on a Saturday.
I have now read the transcript. I have seen everything that has been said about me. But there is no point staying inside and hiding myself away from the world. That would build up a complex. Even if I only stay for a couple of hours, drink lemonade and go home when everyone else heads to the clubs, I will feel better for it. I need to get back out on to the scene with my head held high. Let them judge. Let them believe what they want to believe. I do not need to explain myself. I have nothing to prove.
[12:44, 07/08/2021] Sam: Alright so, for now, the picnic is cancelled, we'll post more info shortly
Rory spent the first few years of his life in an ice cave, carving out his palace of wonder. He's a bit of a love doll, but he who melts the ice shall have his reward.
332 Brixton Road
Samaritans, 24 hours, on 116123 or email:
I have been recommended to acknowledge and process all that I have been though, where it all started from how it has affected me.