Kaleidoscope @ Jabez Clegg

Since no-one was interested in booking the jazz quintet, I took matters into my own hands and set up a gig myself. When I asked the music social secretary if it could be made an official music social, it took some nagging. Eventually, she unenthusiastically said yes but that I would have to do the promotion myself because she was too "busy".

10am, Monday mornings was a "busy" time for the music department. Several lectures finished at that time and people would be walking around. I went to the print shop and got some flyers printed. Myself & Nick planned to hand out flyers in the atrium at this time.

Unfortunately, the social secretary and her musical production had the same idea. A group of them actually performed some vocals on the steps of the atrium. I felt like everyone cared about the musical production and did not care about my jazz gig.

I offered one of my classmates, DC, to come. She said no. She said that she could not go because it clashed with a musical production rehearsal. I took it badly. She said something like "this is an important musical production. Your thing is just a little jazz gig".

At the time, a lot of bitter, venomous thoughts were running through my head.

I felt like no-one took jazz seriously. Or took anything that I did seriously.

Perhaps I was not taking myself seriously enough? My drive to "take matters into my own hands" arose out of a negative place. I had the right initiative. But it came with the pre-conception that what I was doing was of little importance. I did not feel confident or comfortable thrusting myself into such a role. I was doing it for the wrong reasons. To counter something.

I did not believe in myself enough for other people to believe in what I was selling.

I was unable to articulate myself in a way that was meaningful to other people. Perhaps I was unable to articulate myself in a way that was meaningful to myself? I lost control of my emotions. I was so passionate about the project that I was already making myself out to be a "long-suffering victim". My inability to perceive my own worth was being reflected back in other people. I wanted to promote jazz. But I did not believe in myself enough to be able to do it convincingly.

Next time that I do something like this, I would need to do it from a comfortable place. A place in which I have put practical implementations in place should people wave a flag. By encouraging me to pursue such a "noble cause" and become those exact people who do not play ball.

All said and done, the gig went well. Each of the musicians earned a healthy £2 from ticket proceeds. The venue cost £100 to hire. None of the musicians minded, though. The fact that we had done it in the first place was the main thing. And most of the work and administration (not to mention musical arranging) had been done by me. Even though I earned exactly the same as the other musicians.

I might not feel OK to attempt such a self-started promotion again. That is OK. I can stick within my comfort zone. This includes managing musicians. Otherwise, I am placing too much expectation and pressure on myself. If someone persuades / talks me into having the confidence to set up and promote my own gig, ensure that I vet them on measures (the practical implementations described above). If they disengage or disregard those as less important, that is a form of projection in itself. I will know that they do not understand where I am coming from. This, in turn, is a lack of backing and support (masked as a pep talk). I need not put myself out there if I feel that I am not rightfully getting the backing and support required that will enable me to deliver at my best. I can act more demanding. More assertive. Having control over what I want (the things that I can influence). Assuring that this happens. Failure to respond positively in not being able to break down and articulate what I want is a failure to speak out for myself.

Read More...
Assertiveness
Control
Eternal Victim
Flag Waving
Projection
Reflection
Self Esteem