Sam auditioned for the piano position in Diáspora. His emails were well-worded, nice and complimentary. Full of gentle flattery. I did not want anything with him other than to be a colleague.
When I finally met him, I complimented him on his piano rendition of "Autumn Leaves". He asked me if I had been studying him or something.
I went to his house in Maryland (near Stratford). When I got in, he closed the front door behind me, flashed me a secret smile, gave me a backhanded hand shake and repeated his name back to me (in case I forgot). I found this gesture rather intimate and sweet. Maybe it was a cultural thing. His hand was incredibly smooth.
During our rehearsal, he asked if RQ is my girlfriend or something. Possibly because of the way in which I was gushing about her, singing her praises. I said that no, we were close friends. This is the moment where I might have mentioned that I do not think of my girlfriends as anything more than friends. More like sisters. And that the close intimate relationships with guys made me feel uncomfortable.
I got home and saw my landlady, Patricia. She was like a mother to me. We acknowledged this on several occasions. She asked me about my afternoon. Enthusiastically, I told her how I had auditioned and rehearsed with this new pianist, Sam. I might have been gushing about it like it was some "sex or death" mission. I got aroused. But then my demeanour dropped. I sighed. Patricia prompted me, "but?" I said something along the lines of "but now, I have a big problem." Straightaway, she could tell. She read me like a book. "You love him, no?" I did not say yes. But the look was all that she needed.
Patricia & her daughter Maria kindly assisted us as roadies for the 1st September, driving us to and from Farnborough and London. Sam agreed to wear one of my pointy top hats, which turned me on even more. In the interval, Patricia walked around the band to the pianist. She started talking to him. I looked over in Sam direction and our eyes met. With dread, I could see exactly what was happening.
After the gig, I spoke to Maria at length. I was worried that Patricia had said something to Sam about my crush. Maria admitted that Sam had indeed said something to her in the car on the way back from the gig.
He had said:
"Your mother, Patricia, came up to me and asked me if I am gay. I said "no". Then Patricia said that Rory has a crush on me or something?"
I was upset. I was not intending for Sam to know. I had no intention of acting on my feelings for him. I thought that he might be straight. I did not wish to bother about it. All I was bothered about was him knowing. Maria reassured me. She said: he is "fond of you as a friend and a colleague. You have nothing to worry about".
The following gig, Sam acted cold and distant towards me. Feeling bad, I offered to lend him my keyboard for our gigs, so that he would not have to drag his equipment around. As I was saying this to him, he painted on a smile and said "thank you, very nice, Rory".
I possibly took that one a little personally... There was certainly a lot of bitterness.
It is the way in which I respond to things.
26th July, 2015.
I saw Sam @ The Libertine, Great Suffolk Street, Borough, London. Descarga Latin Jam. I was hungover. Walking around like a zombie. Sam was sat at the bar. I looked over at him. I recognised him. He blanked me. He pretended that I did not exist.
I am sensing a little projection, Yoda... He might not have recognised me. Or maybe neither of us had the confidence to acknowledge one another. I do not think that it was all on me. 05/03/21
On 1 Aug 2013, at 19:22, Sam wrote:
On 6 Aug 2013, at 12:01, Sam wrote:
On 19 Aug 2013, at 15:32, Sam wrote:
LOL. Dare I speculate...
Rory spent the first few years of his life in an ice cave, carving out his palace of wonder. He's a bit of a love doll, but he who melts the ice shall have his reward.
332 Brixton Road
Samaritans, 24 hours, on 116123 or email:
I have been recommended to acknowledge and process all that I have been though, where it all started from how it has affected me.